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-   -   My Partner is all talk and no action (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=218084)

  • May 20, 2008, 06:12 PM
    RallyGirl
    My Partner is all talk and no action
    So over the last 2 years I have been with my current partner (on and off). Our relationship has been temaltuisous to say the least...

    Early on we spoke of marriage and a future together, the sex was great, breath taking, the stuff of dreams, we would have hot sex daily and I felt loved and wanted... then we started to argue about my sexual history (which is average I think for a mid thirties woman, but he thinks it is large) and then we argued about threesome's (I have had 2 or 3 when I was in my late teens -early 20's and he has not but want's one) I love this man and can't imagine how it would hurt to see him having sex with another person in front of me! (he says the other girl would be our sex toy and we could use her, but I don't want this... )and then there is arguing about me being hossile during agruements.

    So our current situation: we broke up for 3 months, because I went for a cancer test at the hospital and he didn't even call me... and during the brake up one week in he stated dating a girl (who he says he really loved, he gave her expansive gifts (particularly a $400 necklace which he also brought me for my birthday last year) and she is the complete oppersite to me and what he originally said he was attracted to.) He has been talking to her behind my back now on MSN, email and SMS and when I found out accidentlly he said "I can't tell him who to talk to, he won't be didtated too by me and he won't stop talking to her") When I said "if it's innocent let me read the chats" he said no way.

    We only have sex occasionally now (like once every 2 weeks) and it is only anal sex and short and unsatifiying to me. We no longer talk about the future, and even though I try to stay with him every night, he often says things like "this is not your place", "we don't live together you know" and "I'm not responsible for you" or "I'm not responsible for your happiness" And when I do go home he says he misses me.

    He spends a lot of time looking at porn and downloading it and he even makes comments on rate the girl sites like "i'd eat your with a spoon". And "you're hot"

    I told him a lie as well and I don't know what to do ( I said I had sex with the guy I dated while we broke up (I saw him towards the end of the 3 months brake up), but we just had oral sex and fingering, cause I couldn't have sex with him as I felt like I was cheating on my partner... even though we were broken up?? )

    He is 24 and has changed from a sweet guy, into a demanding, dominating, deviant, he has brought loads of ropes and extreme sex toys and now likes to slap my face during the anal sex.

    What should I do, I really do love him and his family?
  • May 20, 2008, 10:32 PM
    Synnen
    You should leave.

    He's using you, and you're letting him.

    Stop letting him walk all over you.

    And FYI--I seldom tell people to just give up--but seriously--this is whacked. This relationship is going NOWHERE< and HE knows it, and keeps telling you so.

    YOU have become his sex toy.

    Tell him to find someone else to abuse.
  • May 21, 2008, 07:14 AM
    450donn
    Do you love him because of the sex? Or is the sex because you love him? Sounds from my read of your post that you love the sex. Move on and remember next time,
    Friends first
    Then marriage
    Then sex.
  • May 21, 2008, 08:00 AM
    photogirl777
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RallyGirl
    So over the the last 2 years I have been with my current partner (on and off). Our relationship has been temaltuisous to say the least...

    Early on we spoke of marraige and a future together, the sex was great, breath taking, the stuff of dreams, we would have hot sex daily and I felt loved and wanted...then we started to argue about my sexual history (which is average I think for a mid thirties woman, but he thinks it is large) and then we argued about threesome's (I have had 2 or 3 when I was in my late teens -early 20's and he has not but want's one) I love this man and can't imagine how it would hurt to see him having sex with another person in front of me! (he says the other girl would be our sex toy and we could use her, but I don't want this....)and then there is arguing about me being hossile during agruements.

    So our current situation: we broke up for 3 months, because I went for a cancer test at the hospital and he didn't even call me....and during the brake up one week in he stated dating a girl (who he says he really loved, he gave her expansive gifts (particularly a $400 necklace which he also brought me for my birthday last year) and she is the complete oppersite to me and what he originally said he was attracted to.) He has been talking to her behind my back now on MSN, email and SMS and when I found out accidentlly he said "I can't tell him who to talk to, he won't be didtated too by me and he won't stop talking to her") When I said "if it's innocent let me read the chats" he said no way.

    We only have sex occasionally now (like once every 2 weeks) and it is only anal sex and short and unsatifiying to me. We no longer talk about the future, and even though I try to stay with him every night, he often says things like "this is not your place", "we don't live together you know" and "I'm not responsible for you" or "I'm not responsible for your happiness" And when I do go home he says he misses me.

    He spends a lot of time looking at porn and downloading it and he even makes comments on rate the girl sites like "i'd eat your with a spoon". and "you're hot"

    I told him a lie as well and I don't know what to do ( I said I had sex with the guy I dated while we broke up (I saw him towards the end of the 3 months brake up), but we just had oral sex and fingering, cause I couldn't have sex with him as I felt like I was cheating on my partner...even though we were broken up???)

    He is 24 and has changed from a sweet guy, into a demanding, dominating, deviant, he has brought loads of ropes and extreme sex toys and now likes to slap my face during the anal sex.

    What should I do, I really do love him and his family?
    No offense... but your guys sounds like a loser. Move on, threre are so many more wonderful men out there.

    Good luck.
  • May 21, 2008, 11:04 AM
    kp2171
    You are having infrequent, unsatisfying sex with a man who has been inconsiderate, insensitive, quick to move on and make efforts with another girl, who continually reminds you that you don't belong in his space, and who has taken over complete control of the bedroom.

    If you were my sister id put him through a wall.

    You might love who he was, and who he could have been. You love the possibilities that seemed attainable and the comfort of knowing his family.

    But you cannot tell me that this is what you want for yourself.

    Most of us lose some big loves along the way. Hurts like hell. You've lost a big love too, its just you are still sleeping with him when he decides you're good enough to be his receptable.
  • May 21, 2008, 01:32 PM
    Choux
    I think it is a good time for you to have a good honest talk with yourself. Is possible that you have a lot of growing up to do? This guy is abusing you, move on immediately.
  • May 21, 2008, 04:02 PM
    MrsHec4
    It sounds to me like this guy has some control issues, some sexual frustration issues, some commitment issues, etc...
    Why would you want to stay with someone that treats you like crap?
    If he won't stop talking to the other girl and won't stop talking/rating other women online and won't be open with you and won't share his space then he obviously does not want to be in a relationship. The whole "i miss you" thing when you're gone is a mind game. He realizes that he can control you.
    If you don't enjoy the sex why keep giving it to him?
    There's nothing wrong with trying new things in the bedroom but if you're not up for it then don't allow him to pressure you into it.
    I think you're in love with the person he used to be and you're hoping he can be that again for you. People can change but only when they want to and I don't think he wants to. Even if you don't want to leave him and you want to try to make this work. Give him some space. Maybe if he gets it all out of his system (the games, the sex, the porn) he'll settle down and be that sensitive caring man again. If not then consider it his loss and move on.
  • May 22, 2008, 01:39 PM
    RallyGirl
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 450donn
    Do you love him because of the sex? Or is the sex because you love him? Sounds from my read of your post that you love the sex. Move on and remember next time,
    Friends first
    Then marriage
    Then sex.

    We used to be the best of friends, just not anymore.
  • May 22, 2008, 01:47 PM
    RallyGirl
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RallyGirl
    So over the the last 2 years I have been with my current partner (on and off). Our relationship has been temaltuisous to say the least...

    Early on we spoke of marraige and a future together, the sex was great, breath taking, the stuff of dreams, we would have hot sex daily and I felt loved and wanted...then we started to argue about my sexual history (which is average I think for a mid thirties woman, but he thinks it is large) and then we argued about threesome's (I have had 2 or 3 when I was in my late teens -early 20's and he has not but want's one) I love this man and can't imagine how it would hurt to see him having sex with another person in front of me! (he says the other girl would be our sex toy and we could use her, but I don't want this....)and then there is arguing about me being hossile during agruements.

    So our current situation: we broke up for 3 months, because I went for a cancer test at the hospital and he didn't even call me....and during the brake up one week in he stated dating a girl (who he says he really loved, he gave her expansive gifts (particularly a $400 necklace which he also brought me for my birthday last year) and she is the complete oppersite to me and what he originally said he was attracted to.) He has been talking to her behind my back now on MSN, email and SMS and when I found out accidentlly he said "I can't tell him who to talk to, he won't be didtated too by me and he won't stop talking to her") When I said "if it's innocent let me read the chats" he said no way.

    We only have sex occasionally now (like once every 2 weeks) and it is only anal sex and short and unsatifiying to me. We no longer talk about the future, and even though I try to stay with him every night, he often says things like "this is not your place", "we don't live together you know" and "I'm not responsible for you" or "I'm not responsible for your happiness" And when I do go home he says he misses me.

    He spends a lot of time looking at porn and downloading it and he even makes comments on rate the girl sites like "i'd eat your with a spoon". and "you're hot"

    I told him a lie as well and I don't know what to do ( I said I had sex with the guy I dated while we broke up (I saw him towards the end of the 3 months brake up), but we just had oral sex and fingering, cause I couldn't have sex with him as I felt like I was cheating on my partner...even though we were broken up???)

    He is 24 and has changed from a sweet guy, into a demanding, dominating, deviant, he has brought loads of ropes and extreme sex toys and now likes to slap my face during the anal sex.

    What should I do, I really do love him and his family?
    Tumultuous - appol's for the spelling opps, why is there no edit button?? thanks for your help everyone...

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