Ask Me Help Desk - Friends over family?

I wasn't sure what category to put this under so I hope it fits..
ever since I can remember my father has always been a distant person twords my family. When he's at home he acts totally uniterested in everything, he just sits in his chair and stairs at the TV, or into blank space. When he takes us somewhere or has to do anything with us he acts like it's a chore, and clearly doesn't enjoy it. He never takes my mom anywhere or does anything with her, but when it comes to his friends he's always ready to jump. He's a different person when he's with his friends.. he acts.. well, happy. He'll spend hundreds of dollars on himself buying things he really doesn't need, and rarely looks at twice, when I don't even have a matress to sleep on. My mom doesn't know what to do about him... here's an example.. Saturday was supposed to be my moms day, but that morning he wakes up bright an early to go hunting (he's all about hunting and whatnot) and when he gets back, he takes my mom out for two hours just random regular places and stores in the area that we normally go to, then comes home, goes fishing.. gets back and calls up one of his best friends, and goes fishing again with him, until past dark. It's always been like this.. I don't know anything about him except he loves to go hunting and fishing with his friends.. and he knows nothing about me. In all reality.. he didn't even know my age until I confronted him about it.. he didn't know my little sisters age either until my mom corrected him. His exact words "she's gonna be 17 this year right" noo!! She's not!! She's not even 16!! But that's beside the point.. the point is that he doesn't enjoy being with his family, he doesn't enjoy spending time with his wife, but he'd do anything for his friends. Could anybody help me figure out what's wrong? :(

This is a really tough situation and Im sorry to hear about it... Im sure this is stating the obvious but it just seems like your dad isn't happy with his family life and no one here could accurately tell you why that is.
Are you interested in bridging the gap between yourself and your father?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kat18

i wasn't sure what catagory to put this under so i hope it fits..
ever since i can remember my father has always been a distant person twords my family. when he's at home he acts totally uniterested in everything, he just sits in his chair and stairs at the tv, or into blank space. when he takes us somewhere or has to do anything with us he acts like it's a chore, and clearly doesn't enjoy it. he never takes my mom anywhere or does anything with her, but when it comes to his friends he's always ready to jump. he's a different person when he's with his friends.. he acts.. well, happy. he'll spend hundreds of dollers on himself buying things he really doesn't need, and rarely looks at twice, when i don't even have a matress to sleep on. my mom doesn't know what to do about him... heres an example.. saturday was supposed to be my moms day, but that morning he wakes up bright an early to go hunting (he's all about hunting and whatnot) and when he gets back, he takes my mom out for two hours just random regular places and stores in the area that we normally go to, then comes home, goes fishing.. gets back and calls up one of his best friends, and goes fishing again with him, until past dark. it's always been like this.. i don't know anything about him except he loves to go hunting and fishing with his friends.. and he knows nothing about me. in all reality.. he didn't even know my age until i confronted him about it.. he didn't know my little sisters age either until my mom corrected him. his exact words "she's gonna be 17 this year right" noo!!! she's not!!! she's not even 16!!!! but thats beside the point.. the point is that he doesn't enjoy being with his family, he doesn't enjoy spending time with his wife, but he'd do anything for his friends. could anybody help me figure out whats wrong??:(

I want to have a father/daughter relationship with him, and I've tried.. but he has these walls that seem to be unbreakable. The whole family has sat down to talk to him.. sort of like an intervention, but he just walks out and starts mowing or something.. goes to his friends house.

Wow, so you all have tried to talk to him about this... and that didn't wok :(
It seems to me that this is something internal for him, meaning it can't be changed until he's willing to change it...
I don't know why he wouldn't want to have a father-daughter relationship with you either but the best suggestion I can give is to write to your father, tell him that "you love him and would like a relationship with him and although you dont know why he's distancing himself from the family you a will be welcoming and without resentment when he's ready to be involved again"... something to that effect, you know your true feelings.

Meanwhile support the other members of your family (b/c they probably feel the same way esp. your mom) You all should be very loving to one another and hopefully your dad will come around or at least give you guys his explanation

I'll try the letter thing.. maybe we should all write him one. My mom has been asking me if she should divorce him, and I don't know what to tell her. She can't be happy dealing with all of this apathy from him, but I don't know if she could handle it. Another thing is the fact that he is very controlling of her.. she's been scared to drive ever since she got shot (by her first husband) but every time she asks him if she can, he won't let her... she hasn't been out of the house without him in as long as I can remember.. and when they do go out together, to the grocery store or something, he makes her stay right beside him. I think the last time she drove was when she took me to kindergarten one day.. ( and that was a llooonnnggg time ago) and I don't know where she'd go, he would get everything as far as I know.

Kat... there seems to be a lot of control issues going on here. Mom needs to get into some type of counseling to deal with her past as well as what is going on now.

She is going to start counceling soon.. she was recently put on some medacation to help her calm down.. she's under so much stress, I don't see how she deals with it all. I just wish there was something I could do. My dad needs to stop being selfish and realize that this is doing something to the whole family. Everyone is effected by it. I would have already moved out, but I don't want to leave her here.. or my little sister.

Kat number one you can not save the world. You must do what is best for yourself and in turn you can still help your family. You being healthy will only help show your family there is another way.

Ok this new info changes my opinion a little, so maybe the letters can be written for personal relief to vent if you feel giving them to him won't really encourage any emotional response... also there are just so many wounds to heal here... I'll have to think more and comment later, but I just don't know what more you can do besides being a source of support... your mom has a lot of decisions to make and Im sure you lend an ear to her already, it's good she's getting prof. help

I'm going to try to be as supportive as I can, and always be there for her. Thanks so much, I guess I just needed an ear. I don't know if this battle will ever be won with him, but only time can tell.

Have you tried sitting him down and just telling him how you feel straight out?
Maybe he doesn't get the whole picture... and you need to help him undersatnd

Several times.. I've sat him down and tried to talk to him one on one, and we have all tried to have a "family talk" with him. My mom has talked to him alone too.. but even when he does stay for the conversation, he never has anything to say. Just okay, uh hu, sure.. and gets up and walks off.. then it's all the same. It's like he doesn't care.. at all. I've looked him in the eyes while crying and asked him why he doesn't understand, as streight up about it as I can be.. and he simply walked off.