Hi all. I've been lurking on here for a few weeks but this is my first time posting. My boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We were together for a year. Honestly, everything was fine leading up to the break. He was acting no different at all. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in denial or can't see it - that is the honest truth. So it definitely knocked me on a$$ when it happened. We've had typical disagreements like any couple, but nothing that would be a relationship destroyer. His reasonings were that he felt we had different expectations for our relationship. Which is difficult to surmise when he never asked me and we had never discussed them. I guess maybe he felt the relationship was getting too serious and I suspect he felt he wasn't spending as much time with his friends alone as he would have liked. Again, things that weren't ever discussed with me. I feel as though he saw running away as the only solution. A week or so after we broke up I sent an email telling him my feelings and how I didn't believe we should give up our whole relationship over relatively minor things that can be discussed. Or at least try to discuss and if nothing gets resolved, well then at least we tried. Well, he did write back to acknowledge my email and say it was a lot to think about but he appreciated my sentiments and was taking what I said to heart. Since then I've been NC.

Anyway, I'm not holding out hope that he will come back. I've accepted that for now, it is over. I'm trying to move forward with my life. But I'm finding that a month and a half later I still feel more or less the same as I did the day after the break! Getting up and going to work is a physical chore. When I come home most days I zone out on the couch like a depressed lump. Then other days I have overwhelming anxiety where I feel like I won't make it through the day. I've gone out with friends a few times and hung out here and there and it helps temporarily. But my mind still wanders back to this whole situation. I try to do things to keep busy but sometimes I can't keep my mind off things for long enough to go to the supermarket. I find myself tearing up on the way there or worse, inside!

I know, I know, I know that time will tell and time heals all wounds. I've been there before. But for some reason, this time I am taking it especially hard. Harder than any other breakup. I'm just wondering if anyone else here has felt as miserable a month and half later as they did when the breakup first happened? Its just frustrating and its hard to be optimistic and proactive when I feel so awful. I've read the stickys and know I should be feeling and what I should be doing. It's the actual doing part that isn't happening. Has anyone found anything that helped you snap out of "it" and at least take some baby steps forward? Anything at all?? Help and words of advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!

My boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. Since then I've been NC except to ask for the spare keys to my apartment back. Which I just had him drop off when I wasn't around and lock the door behind him. He had offered to drop them off in person but said he would understand if I didn't want to be there. I said that (this was over email) I would like to see him but there was no point. I said what's the point in seeing someone who doesn't want me in their life and cut me out of it? He wrote back saying its been hard for him too and he didn't mean to cut me out of his life and doesn't want to but he didn't know where to go from here. I just wrote back and said that I don't want him in my life as just a friend so there wasn't anywhere to go from here. Its been hard going on day to day but I'm stubborn so that helps with the NC :o I go back and forth on my feelings. I have days where I find any little thing that was wrong with our relationship and use that to assure myself we should be broken up. But then I have days where I'm so confused and am still baffled that its over. Honestly, overall I don't think we had a "bad" relationship at all. Up until the day of the break, we had a great relationship and he hadn't been acting any different at all. He truly was my best friend and having him instantaneously plucked from my life almost feels like he died. We had had a few recurring arguments about something that was, in my mind, a relatively small issue. And he also said he felt like we had different "expectations" for the relationship. Which is hard to deduce since we had never discussed each others expectations. I feel like he took an immature way out and just ran away rather than working out the issue or talking about our expectations. I know there's many ways this scenario can be interpreted. Who knows exactly what was going through his mind. Believe me, I've spent countless hours pondering everything and trying to figure it out. Maybe he thought we had tried to work on things.. . Or he was scared that the relationship was getting too "serious".. . Or he just didn't love me anymore.. . I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm really sad because I miss my best friend. I miss having him to talk to everything about on a daily basis. I miss the activities and interests we shared. I miss having him in my life. Like I said, we didn't have a bad relationship. The positives far outweighed any of the few negatives. So I really feel like I'm grieving as though he died and I'm never going to see him again. I'm trying to move forward and accept its over. I know I just have to give it time. I don't contact him at all and actually don't think about it or even want to. Again, perhaps my stubbornness there. I've tried to keep busy but there are days I just don't want to do anything. I guess I'm just looking to spill my feelings here and have people "listen". If anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice it would have course be appreciated.

Hi brightside
First of all you have to realise that a month and a half really isn't that long so you just need to be patient. Look we all take to the healing process differently and you have to remember it doesn't really start until you accept the fact that's its over.

Having said that what you could do is start a list of negatives and positive and you need to be totally honest with yourself , you'll be surprised and how it turns out. You can then take him off that pedestal and realise he wasn't really as special as you thought.

Also writing a journal of how your feeling each day , even go back to the beginning , this way you will realise how much you are progressing and it's also a real good way to get your feelings out.

And read the stories on here and see how people are progressing , its good therapy.

It's not easy I know , but really it does just take time , I wish you luck and please just come on here and vent when you need to.

Well, I can empathise. I hope that helps. I've been told the same things: Time will heal, be active doing what you love to do. And being active does help. If anything, the time passes more quickly when you're active. I'm just about over a girl I mistakenly left. (maybe it was the right thing to do) But God, I still think about her and what could've been. I know she doesn't want to be with me (she's married now) yet, I still think that she may want to try again. (vexing) Moving on is difficult but, you got to try (I know, you are trying) I'm still trying. I feel the same as you. Sometimes it hits me really hard. I've resolved not to worry about a relationship as of now and to really dive into the things I love to do. And I must admit I still have the times that I do nothing but watch TV or lay around the house. It seems that I'm always happier when I'm busy. And I feel good about my accomplishments. I guess we simply have to do it. I've started writing the things that I'm thankful for in my journal. Do you keep a journal? I do miss her but, if she really loved me she would want to talk to me. She would call. She has my #. I'm sure that there is a lot of positive things about you. Focus on those things. You know, nobody can pull you out of this slump but you. I feel hypocritical for telling you this. I'm having somewhat of the same problem. It's been a year and a half for me. And I was the one that left. (funny) Maybe that's what makes it hard for me since it was my doing. I guess my answer is stay busy. Be active. It would help me to see you pull out of this. Be an inspiration to others that are going through the same thing. Humans are so resilient. We're tough. Read some books about how certain people have overcome incredible obstacles. Record your assets. If you have an older friend (parent, uncle, aunt whatever) Someone you respect admire, have them tell you about your qualities.
Your going to make it. I believe in you.

Thanks for you input friend and stuck. Its frustrating because I [I]know[I] what I should be doing and trying to feel. But yes, its just hard to get to that place. I'm kind of going between feeling angry and being sad right now. Being dumped is a hard thing to not take personally. I guess I'm really just looking for some pats on the back and words of inspiration from anyone. As I suspect my friends are getting bored with my day-to-day internal drama. It is helpful to come on here and read what other people are going through. It especially helps when I have a lot of anxiety. It helps me calm down and remember that I'm not the only one in the world this has happened to and, heck I've been through it before anyway! Thanks for all your help!

You call him your best friend. A friend who is so close can never go so far for long time. Time will heal up the broken line. In the meanwhile, try to be in contact with him just as a friend. Send him Best Friends Day cards on June 8th. Say him that you are still his best friend and he is still your best friend. Send him cards, gifts, or just give a call to him.

My situation is pretty similar, even down to the line about different expectations. We also never had a talk about any expectations, and I also don't know if he got scared or if he didn't have feelings for me anymore. It's a pretty tough position to be in when you can't be angry at the person or when he didn't do anything "wrong" and when the relationship didn't seem to have any problems and like you, I am just giving it lots and lots of time. Losing a best friend is tough. How long did you guys date?

I've been NC with him for almost two weeks now and I'm really impressed with your resolve to stay that way with him. If you guys are really going to stay friends, NC is the way to go for now and that's what I try to tell myself. Is that something you want (eventually being friends)? I'm still a little torn, but I will have to see him in the fall when we go back to school since we are involved in the same activities.

I have the same situation that you are in and being friends with him is not going to help you at all it is just going to make you miserable because you will never be able to forget. Just have no contact with him and trust me he will be out of your life soon give it a month or so I know its hard not having that best friend of yours but make new friends and then you won't need him in your life

Some of the advice in here is pretty lame...

My situation is pretty similar,and it sucks cause you lose two people at once,a lover and a best friend.It's twice as hard as usual.Plus you get this feeling of losing something that could potentially have been great.It's from everything to nothing in a matter of minutes.It's really tough to cope.My situation is even more complicated and worse.I'm NC for almost a month now,she calls,texts,once or twice a week,and I just don't do anything.It sucks.But what can you do?. I miss her,but I can't do much either..

Quote:

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I'm just looking to spill my feelings here and have people "listen".

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Your in the right place to vent, for sure. Please read the "stickies" for this forum, and see if they relate to your situation, and let us know. You are not alone as we have all gotten through those tough break ups. Click on the links in my signature.

The two threads have been merged, please do not start similar threads. Merely add to your original thread.

Thanks

Thanks to everyone for their help. My two separate posts got put together so the second half of this post is what I posted yesterday which was about a week after the first one. So it kind of sounds like the same thing said twice over. I just didn't want anyone to think I was redundant in my writing ;)

Hi all. I don't post very often but I look on here just about every day. Here is the link to my original story I posted a while back.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-217731.html

We broke up 3 months ago and have been totally NC for two months which is when I had him drop off my spare keys and various items left at his place. And that was all done over email. He dropped the keys off and locked the door behind him. I haven't seen him in 3 months. Eerily enough, I had been having these feelings lately that he was going to call me or email me or I would run into him.. . And when I say feelings I don't mean that I was "wishing" for him to do those thing. Like creepy, nagging feelings in the back of your mind. Well, lo and behold this is what I get in my inbox this evening:

"Hi,
Would you be interested in getting dinner or lunch in the next week or so? I don't like how everything happened and how things were left between us. I hope you feel the same way. I'd like to at least try to clear the air and talk about everything in person. Feel free to think about it for a few days to decide whether it's a good idea or not. I don't want to argue, just talk without any pressure or expectations on either of us. Let me know what you think."


We didn't really end on bad terms. More like sad terms. We were on a soccer team when we broke up and had to play a few more games before the season ended. He never said hi to me and barely acknowledged my presence. I just didn't think it was an ugly enough breakup to require us to be ignoring each other. I sent an email right after we split saying how I thought we could work on our relationship and laid out how I felt about everything. He did write back saying he appreciated what I had written but it was a lot to think about. Read my original post to get more insight into that and other things that hurt and bothered me about the breakup.


Anyway, I have no idea how to respond to this or what to think!! He has been in the back of my mind for three months. I've kept busy, gone out with friends, gone on vacation, am taking masters classes, flirt with guys when I'm out :) , going to the beach, and maintained NC. Yet I've missed him and the connection we had dearly. I've always had these lingering feelings that he cannot be out of my life forever. I can't really describe it. I've been keeping busy and trying to stay happy. But at the same time I've been sad and missed him so much. In the three months I haven't felt any better about the breakup. And that is just not "me". I've never taken that long to move on and let the other person go. I AM SO CONFUSED!! So, on the one hand I want to go and look beautiful and talk about how great my summer has been and show him what he's missing. On the other hand, I'm not sure what his intentions are. What would be the need to rehash our breakup? I don't understand what "clear the air" means really. Or is this just a way for him to see me again and he's questioning the breakup? Seriously, women are as clueless about men as they are about us when it comes to stuff like this.

I would really, really appreciate any words of advice on this! I'm sure there has to be some of you out there that have experienced a similar situation with mysterious, out of the blue ex contact. What did you do/say?? Please help! Thanks!

Move on. If he didn't appreciate you before what's changed? Maybe he's lonely waiting for the next bus to come by and needs something to pass the time with. Chances are if he lost interest before he'll lose interest again. Quit thinking about him and think of yourself, you know what you need to do. Time for an upgrade, you deserve it.

I guess the ball is in your court. But, as his email indicates, don't have any expectations if you do. Meet up only as friends. If you're harboring expectations or thinking of getting back together when you know you should not, as your post indicates, then meeting up with him may not be the most genius of ideas. Why bother going through the pain... again?

-J

You said you didn't end on bad terms, so what is the need to clear the air? Continue the NC path and stay happy!

A lot of people say they need closure and they can't get through the day because they do not have closure so that may be all he wants.
I would not meet with him if he is the type that is confrontational, argumentative or accusing.
If you are afraid he will try to persuade you to get back with him and you know that is something you do not want then you probably should not meet with him.
If you decide to meet with him you should make it in a public place and tell him before you meet he has a time limit like 15 to 30 minutes.

I did not read your original post because I am extremely tired (saw the dark knight premier hooray!)

But the way I see it, you're going to miss him, you're going to think about him, but if the relationship is NOT the best thing for your happiness, then you need to not involve it into your life.

You also shouldn't try to rub it in his face on how great your doing because playing games get us no where in life. Cut to the chase, if you want to see him, do so. If you don't, you don't have to be rude, but you can simply say that at your point in time, you're very busy and although you'd like to talk to him in person you are currently occupied with obligations or something of the sort.

Just be true to yourself in your decisions, if you decide to go, you can get all "beautiful" as you like to say it, but just treat him like an acquaintance. Let him say his peace, answer his questions, and speak your mind. It could be that he just wants to know what he could have done better, so that he can take that knowledge and better himself (whether he wants you back or not)

Good luck!

Thanks for all your input guys. I'm still on the fence about this. I really miss him and would want him back in my life. I feel the break up had a lot to do with how I acted in the relationship. And it got to the point where he couldn't deal with my irrational and selfish behaviors. The breakup really was the slap in the face I needed for me to improve and change how I act in relationships. Its sad because I feel with that cleared up, our relationship could be better than ever. Granted, he wasn't perfect himself but his faults in the relationship were mostly things related to being less experienced with relationships. But, I don't know his exact motives for this get together. Maybe he wants to test the waters and see what its like to be around me again. I mean, "clear the air" I just don't get. Why do you need to see me? I feel like if I don't go then I'll always wonder what would have come of us meeting? But if I do go and it turns out bad, then I might feel crappy. I don't know, I'm really trying to have a more positive outlook on life and just live in the moment and roll with the punches. You know, it is what it is.

<Sigh> So I don't know. I think I'm going to give it the weekend and see how I feel about it.

Maybe tell him you would like to see him and make a list of things you want to tell him about where you know you were wrong and things you appreciated about him and then ask him if he will consider getting back together.

Although most of us AMHD-ers push the "NC" line (because the majority of situations require it), I think you should openly tell him what you just posted. Be straight, direct, and honest. Tell him you want to have another go. At least then you know that you don't have any regrets and truly gave it your best, regardless of the result.

Good luck,
J