My husband and I are looking for some help. My step daughter came to live with my husband and I over a year ago. We have always played an active role in her life... WE do not know how to stop her lying.. She has went to school and said we beat her (which could have caused serious harm to our family because we have 3 small boys as well )ages 2-5). Fortunately the school knows us very well because we are so active and they phoned us first before contacting anyone else. She of cours admitted she was lying. She has runaway 3 times from our house and her mothers. She tells her friends that her parents are drunks, abusers etc. None of us drink. She tells her friends she cuts herself, I have checked her throughout and have found none, and then she tells us she lied. She tries to manipulate her father against her mother telling lies about them to one another. I have tried being supportive but she uses my niceness as a tool, so she ends up taking advantage of me. For example this weekend her mother was to pick her up on Friday, well my step daughter got of the phone hysterical crying and cursing and I asked her what was wrong. She stated her mother was not coming to get her she did not feel like driving. So I cried with her felt so badly for her I gave her cell phone back she had been grounded from and then had her call her mom to see if I brought her could she come. Come to find out my husband called her mom because he was so upset and she had told my step daugter she could not come that minute but she would be at our home later to get her... This caused as serious fight between my husband and her mother. Not to mention I felt used and manipulated... I hurt for her and she had not even been hurt by her mother... We have tried counseling (4 counselors), grounding (no cell, TV. etc.) even stripping her room of her pictures, TV and steroe, this has not worked. What can we do. I know some people might say this is a teenage stage but this has been ongoing with her mother(she could not handle her that's why she now lives with us) and our home for 5 years... Her father and I constantly look like the "bad guys" . Help!!

Take the money you had decided to spend on her for counseling and send her to an immersive environment. Something that controls her life 24 hours a day for as long as necessary.

Boarding School
Military School
Girls Academy
ROTC Boot Camp
(other people... have some immersive suggestions?)

This is her life we're talking about here. At 15, she is in a dangerous spot. You've already noted she can cause damage not only to herself but to your family stability as well.

Military schools won't bother "parenting" which is what you're doing and it's not working. They will teach responsibility, accountability, reward and punishment response to behavior, and they will do it fairly and with no ability for her to manipulate them. They don't love her, but they know how to get the job done.

When she comes home from THAT, boy will she appreciate you guys 1000% more. If she visits, there should always be the predetermined idea that she is going back. Especially if it's working. If she is improving, why would you STOP using the successful environment?

My best suggestion...

She sounds like a pathological liar. I don't think there is a cure for that. Sounds like you have tried everything short of a Boarding school for problem kids. I agree with the other writer. She needs to be in a military school or there are a couple of schools in Georgia that may not be as expensive as some. Raburn Gap Nachochee School which is co-ed and Tallula Falls School. Both in North Georgia.

Thank you so much for the suggestions. We have actually debated over a military/boot camp for her. It seems to be our only option! Thank you again

Don't warn her ahead of time.

When you get into an argument with her over this later, relax and don't defend as if what you did was wrong in any way. She will assume you "know" it was bad and will try to use that against you. Don't fall for it.

"Sweetie, we love you, but you've made it clear we can't influence you to behave better. We admit you're right...we can't. Fortunately, we love you enough to make sure you get help from people who can."

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Originally Posted by cls5

My husband and I are looking for some help. My step daughter came to live with my husband and I over a year ago. We have always played an active role in her life... WE do not know how to stop her lying.. She has went to school and said we beat her (which could have caused serious harm to our family b/c we have 3 small boys as well )ages 2-5). Fortunately the school knows us very well b/c we are so active and they phoned us first before contacting anyone else. She of cours admitted she was lying. She has runaway 3 times from our house and her mothers. She tells her friends that her parents are drunks, abusers etc. None of us drink. She tells her friends she cuts herself, I have checked her throughout and have found none, and then she tells us she lied. She tries to manipulate her father against her mother telling lies about them to one another. I have tried being supportive but she uses my niceness as a tool, so she ends up taking advantage of me. For example this weekend her mother was to pick her up on Friday, well my step daughter got of the phone hysterical crying and cursing and I asked her what was wrong. She stated her mother was not coming to get her she did not feel like driving. So i cried with her felt so badly for her I gave her cell phone back she had been grounded from and then had her call her mom to see if I brought her could she come. Come to find out my husband called her mom b/c he was so upset and she had told my step daugter she could not come that minute but she would be at our home later to get her... This caused as serious fight between my husband and her mother. Not to mention I felt used and manipulated... I hurt for her and she had not even been hurt by her mother...We have tried counseling (4 counselors), grounding (no cell, tv. etc.) even stripping her room of her pictures, tv and steroe, this has not worked. What can we do. I know some people might say this is a teenage stage but this has been ongoing with her mother(she could not handle her thats why she now lives with us) and our home for 5 years... Her father and I constantly look like the "bad guys" . Help!!!

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I'm so sorry you two are having so many problems. I just heard a child psychologist a few days ago, he was on t.v. If I'm not mistaken he said something to the tune of a child learns to lie from one of the parents. I don't think that it pertains to outright lying, but withholding the truth is basically lying also. I'm very interested in lying because my husband is a pathological liar. He lost his business and you don't want to even hear about this. This is why I am always trying to find out what causes it. Well, first of all his mother lied. She didn't mean to but she was very Southern and she refused to get in any king of dispute or confrontation so she would just lie. I think that's where my husband got it from I understand that pathological liars cannot help it or they don't know they are lying or if they are lying they believe it. Take your pick. They just make things up and lie.
That's what my husband does. I would not believe anything out of his mouth.

Basically I had mentioned a couple of schools in North Georgia. I went on line and Googled them. The first one is Raburn Gap Nacoochee School, 706-746-2273. I think this school has some kind of financial aid. The other one is Tullulah Falls School. Now, don't get me wrong. These schools are not for people who lie. They are very good schools. I think it would help your daughter to be sent away to school and that way she will find out here piers will not put up with her.

I don't know what your shrink says about all of this. I raised a problem son. He does not lie and he's a good business man. He does have other issues. His father never saw him. That was one of them but he is not a liar because I am not a liar and I did not withhold the truth from him no matter what the truth was.

I hope I have been of some help to you all. Just Google those two schools. My nice went to Raburn Gap and she was a liar. Seems everyone is. I think a school away from home would be great for your daughter. She's obviously been through a divorce and that causes many negative problems not to mention she has three young half siblings and that is probably hard on her. Just remember, everyone struggles.

Hope you and your daughter can fine peace some place. I think the boarding school would be good. If these schools are not close enough I'm sure there are other ones closer to you.

Have a good evening if you can.

Reecie

We took on my husbands son and step-daughter when there mother put them in care they have lived with us for six years and everyday has been hell with his step-daughter. She lies constantly saying we beat her up gag her pull her hair and generally push her about. She steals, ruins all her clothes and things as well as everyone else's, she has manipulated family members into believing her lies causing rifts in the family until they saw for themselves what she was doing. After putting up with this behaviour for 5 years having social services involved, lots of counselling etc and ripping mine, my husbands and our other two kid lives apart. We put her in boarding school. She comes home every 3rd weekend and all holidays unfortunately her behaviour is still the same and she turns our lives upside down every time she is home. Just recently we found out that she has a friendship with an 18 year old boy, she is 13 she has told this boy that that we beat her up and that we don't buy her anything or include her in family activities I am now very concerned because unlike the other people she has said this to, we don't know this boy and a report from him could be taken seriously and we risk losing our 2 other children because of some one else child's lies. I will not risk losing my child for something I haven't done. I want her to go back to care. Can I give up my parental rights to this child without compromising his son and my daughter??