Ask Me Help Desk - Starting a relationship while in treatment

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. After about 5 years of crack and other drug additions, my stepdaughter wanted our help. She gave birth to two children while on crack, and both were taken away from her and the babies' daddy.. who is also an addict/dealer.
After a couple weeks of research and begging I got her into a center for drug free living where we live. She was there for 3 months. The whole time she was there, she continuously broke the rules, because she thought they were stupid, and lied about everything. She got involved with another resident. They were told on several occasions that the involvement was not advised during their treatment. They thought that was stupid too. They were both kicked out last week, because of the continuing of breaking of the rules.
She is staying with us, temporarily, but I have a few questions.
Today she is on the bus going for a visit to her "new friend's" house. I don't think she should have gone. I think she should have stayed and gone through the papers looking for jobs, and making calls for interviews. Her mother is saying that if she doesn't have a job in two weeks, we will kick her out. Her lying is the biggest problem. She is lying about everything little things and big.
Someone give me some advice please. I want to do what's right... but I feel like this is a continuation of the past year. If we say something she doesn't like, she will leave and go.
Thanks.

Unfortunately 90 days is not a cure, but a guide, and detox time, and a chance to learn how to deal with the addiction. Having been kicked out, she wasn't ready to quite, and is not ready to do what it takes to stay clean (going to meetings etc). So the only thing I can advise is don't be surprised if she is back to square one, and using again. Sorry, until she is ready to change all the help and good intentions in the world are useless. Do you attend Al-Anon? Try it for yourself, not her.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry, until she is ready to change all the help and good intentions in the world are useless. Do you attend Al-Anon? Try it for yourself, not her.

Absolute truth. Get involved with Al-Anon or something similar through your church. Let the daughter know you will support her in her recovery but she needs to stick to a professional plan--following ALL the rules not just those she considers un-stupid and until that time the door is closed. It hurts. I almost lost everything sticking by someone recovering by his own plan because the professionals didn't have a clue--per him, not me.

Yesterday 05:54 PM
Shellyjo68 Quote:

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Absolute truth. Get involved with Al-Anon or something similar through your church. Let the daughter know you will support her in her recovery but she needs to stick to a professional plan--following ALL the rules not just those she considers un-stupid and until that time the door is closed. It hurts. I almost lost everything sticking by someone recovering by his own plan because the professionals didn't have a clue--per him, not me.

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Yesterday 03:30 PM
Talaniman Unfortunately 90 days is not a cure, but a guide, and detox time, and a chance to learn how to deal with the addiction. Having been kicked out, she wasn't ready to quite, and is not ready to do what it takes to stay clean (going to meetings etc). So the only thing I can advise is don't be surprised if she is back to square one, and using again. Sorry, until she is ready to change all the help and good intentions in the world are useless. Do you attend Al-Anon? Try it for yourself, not her

Thanks to you both for responding.Did you catch the part where she is staying with us? We are going to sit her down tonight and lay down the rules and also let her know how we feel. She called late last night to let us know she was spending the night with her friend. We both kind of figured this would happen, but still knew it was immature and inconsiderate behavior. She might get upset and leave tonight... that will be her choice. We are both in our mid 50's and don't feel we should have to support a 25 year old, who has chosen this path. We love her and will help, but she has to be willing to work with us.
Thanks again.

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Did you catch the part where she is staying with us?

Yes I did, and know it won't last long at all. Your doing the right thing by setting rules in your house, and its her choice what she does about it. Its is important that you not enable her bad choices, nor help her out of the fixes those choices cause. Your tough love will help her reach her bottom, and when she has had enough misery and pain she MAY be ready to quite. I wish you much luck, and pray for the best.

I really feel for you, it is very hard to deal with a crack addict because treating that addiction is next to impossible. My little boys father is an addict and it has tore my life apart. Be careful with your valuables because any addict who "needs" the high will steal from you and not think twice about it. Me and my little boys father just split up after a 3 year up and down struggle with his drug problem. My last straw was finding pawn receipts in his wallet to all my gold jewerly. That hurt. I hope she has better luck coming off crack but like I said before it is a never ending struggle to stay clean off crack. Just protect yourself and your family and if she continues to remain out of control or exhibits signs of drug use. Throw her out, she will have to hit rock bottom before getting any better.

Hi there. I,myself am an addict. I have been through a whole bunch of recovery houses and treatment centers. Like your daughter I thought all their rules were absolutely ridiculous and had nothing to do with me staying clean. It is no wonder that I relapsed over and over again. I also did the early recovery relationship thing. A couple of times. Bad,bad move. I am sorry to say that it really sounds like yor daughter is on her way to a relapse if she hasn't already. I will tell you when I was able to stay clean. When I was completely broken. My father wrote me off. He no longer saved me every time I needed him. The rest of my family also let me sink. I went at the drugs real hard and heavy for a while. But when I decided toclean up I knew it was for me. Not to placate my dad. Not knowing in the back of my mind that I would use again and everything would still be okay really. I cleaned up because using sucked real real bad when I didn't have any one there to bail me out. Being clean I have rebuilt my relationships and they are better than they have evr been. I think you need to take a look at that maybe you are enabling her a bit. Good luck. My prayers are with you and your daughter.

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Originally Posted by andybear72

Hi there. I,myself am an addict. I have been through a whole bunch of recovery houses and treatment centers. Like your daughter i thought all their rules were absolutely ridiculous and had nothing to do with me staying clean. It is no wonder that I relapsed over and over again. I also did the early recovery relationship thing. A couple of times. Bad,bad move. I am sorry to say that it really sounds like yor daughter is on her way to a relapse if she hasn't already. I will tell you when I was able to stay clean. When I was completely broken. My father wrote me off. He no longer saved me every time I needed him. The rest of my family also let me sink. I went at the drugs real hard and heavy for a while. But when I decided toclean up I knew it was for me. Not to placate my dad. Not knowing in the back of my mind that I would use again and everything would still be okay really. I cleaned up because using sucked real real bad when i didn't have any one there to bail me out. Being clean I have rebuilt my relationships and they are better than they have evr been. I think you need to take a look at that maybe you are enabling her a bit. Good luck. My prayers are with you and your daughter.

I apologaize. Why I wrote this I don't know. I am in no place to give advice. In all truth I am in a relapse and obviously in denial

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Originally Posted by andybear72

I apologaize. Why i wrote this i don't know. I am in no place to give advice. In all truth I am in a relapse and obviously in denial

Let your honesty motivate you to be the person your talking about. Don't give up on yourself, just start now, and love yourself.
You can do this.

Originally Posted by andybear72

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I apologaize. Why I wrote this I don't know. I am in no place to give advice. In all truth I am in a relapse and obviously in denial

Well andybear, I'm sorry that you relapsed, and hope you are on your way to be where you need to be. I will pray for you too.

Grets

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Originally Posted by grets1333

Originally Posted by andybear72

Well andybear, I'm sorry that you relapsed, and hope you are on your way to be where you need to be. I will pray for you too.

grets

Thank you. Since I have posted this I have made some positive steps. I have gotten honest with my closest friends and also with my doctor who I have a very good relationship with. I am really trying to take one day at a time. I really do hope things are good with your daughter.

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Originally Posted by grets1333

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. After about 5 years of crack and other drug additions, my stepdaughter wanted our help. She gave birth to two children while on crack, and both were taken away from her and the babies' daddy..who is also an addict/dealer.
After a couple weeks of research and begging I got her into a center for drug free living where we live. She was there for 3 months. The whole time she was there, she continuously broke the rules, because she thought they were stupid, and lied about everything. She got involved with another resident. They were told on several occasions that the involvement was not advised during their treatment. They thought that was stupid too. They were both kicked out last week, because of the continuing of breaking of the rules.
She is staying with us, temporarily, but I have a few questions.
Today she is on the bus going for a visit to her "new friend's" house. I don't think she should have gone. I think she should have stayed and gone thru the papers looking for jobs, and making calls for interviews. Her mother is saying that if she doesn't have a job in two weeks, we will kick her out. Her lying is the biggest problem. She is lying about everything little things and big.
Someone give me some advice please. I want to do what's right...but I feel like this is a continuation of the past year. If we say something she doesn't like, she will leave and go.
Thanks.

I have to add onto this, and hope you all will be able to guide me. Update. She stayed at the friends. They are "involved in a relationship." She was full of anger when we went to talk to her, and said she wanted to stay there. We told her, we can't make her come with us. So she's stayed. She didn't rreally seem to be trying to find a job or anything for the first week, until her mother let loose on her. Now she has filled out a few applications... how many I don't know. How many meetings she's gone to? One or two tops. She calls and tries the sympathy line, "well I really want to see my daughter, so I'll use the few bucks I have to catch the bus, but then I'll be broke!"
My response is this... you are the one who chose to move further away from your daughter, so now you live with that decision. Get a job and then you'll have the money for the bus, and won't have to worry about using your last few dollars. I want her to learn all the consequences of her actions. We wanted her to come home, we asked that she not get into a relationship... that is why she was kicked out of re-hab. She was getting involved, and they warned her. Its like she wants to do what she wants, and then we're suppose to pick up the slack. Am I being to hard on her? I mean last week I was panicing I wouldn't be able to get my bills paid, and now I'm suppose to explain again, how we can't afford to drive 45 minutes one way to drive her back and forth? She wants the girlfriend to come with her, because she wants to see how she will get along with her daughter.. I said, its not important now... you won't be getting your daughter for quite awhile. Worry about getting a job and let her do the same. When you have money to spend then you come for a visit.
Just tell me if I'm being to harsh, or should I ease up? It's causing stress on both her mother and me...and I don't want to drive a wedge between us either.Thanks everyone. Grets

Let her mother read this whole post and try and educate her about addictions by going to an aanon meeting or googling it on the net. To answer your question, no your not being harsh at all. And don't be manipulated by anyone trying to convince you otherwise.
This girl needs to learn to want to get help for herself, or realise the consequences, JAIL, INSTITUTIONS, OR DEATH. THAT'S THE FUTURE FOR ADDICTS, AND ALCOHOLICS.

Grets,
You are doing right. Stand your ground.
I know a father who was in a similar situation as yours. He took his daughter's welfare check each month and would buy diapers, pay the bills etc (thngs were different then). She hated him for years. He would take her food stamps and buy food so that she couldn't trade them for cash. Eventually she ended up in college, became a microbiologist and also owns a small local business. As she matured and got clean she understood that if it had not been for his strong fist and forcing the rules she would never be where she is today.

Alnon would really help you deal with this situation and let you talk with other parents in similar situations and find out how they dealt with things. You would feel less alone in all this and get ideas of what to do and how addicts have been helped successfully. Sometimes 'tough love' is what brings an addict to their senses, when they run out of all resources, they are left with themselves and HAVE to face things. You always have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. Due to their risky lifestyle and unpredictibility, anything can happen. Remembering that an addict or alcoholic NOT on a recovery programme is a very sick person can be helpful, but also remember they have the ability to make others unwell around them through lies, stress, and forcing their responsbilities on others. It is vitally important that you have support through this for you and your wife to gain insight into your situation and make informed decisions that could potentially affect the rest of your family's future. Sounds like your daughter is still clean which is something to build on and encourage, even if everything else is not going as well as you think it should. Recovery takes a long time especially from a mind bending drug, so be patient as you can be and be there for her but keep your own lives and interests active and important. You can look up the Big Book of AA on the net, there is a chapter called 'the family afterward' which may be helpful to read.