Ask Me Help Desk - In a four year relationship which isn't so good and liking his best friend

I have been dating my boyfriend for four years now. I met him in high school and we are still dating in college. He is my first boyfriend, first guy I've ever kissed and so on. I am also his first everything as well. We started having some issues in the first 6 months of our relationship, he and one of his good gal friends were always real touchy feeling with one another and before we started going out he had openly told his gal friend that he liked her. Long story short he ended up falling for me. Through out high school we had some pretty serious fights. He has a very short temper and gets upset very easily. He got mad at me for winning a part in my high school play and he was never happy that I would leave town for something to do in theatre. Our senior year things took a huge turn. He was upset with me through out the whole year. Everything I did he got upset for. A great example is over winter break we were playing a video game and I beat him and he got so upset that I won that he started up this huge fight left me at his house with his family and didn't talk to me the whole night. He got upset at me even at our graduation for no apparent reason. Because he was treating me so bad I looked for comfort in anyone that I could find. One person that really helped me was one of his close friends. They ran track together and every weekend when I would go to his track meets his friend would always talk to me while my boyfriend would basically ignore me. After graduation my family took my boyfriend with us on vacation and everything seemed to be doing better. Unfortunately for me as soon as we got back we started fighting with each other again. I turned more and more to his friend. I began to realize that I had fallen for his friend and his friend had fallen for me. We were both in relationships, but we never saw each other we only talked over the internet. His girlfriend found out that we were talking and had him stop talking to me and I ended up telling my boyfriend what I had been up to. We worked those things out and when we started college things seemed to be doing better. But now I'm back in the same position I was in high school. He snaps at me for the smallest things last night he got mad at me cause I was playfully tickling his feet and then he decided he wanted to have sex after he got mad at me. I feel like we have become friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend. I used to see myself with him and now I really don't. My heart has been broken so many times now that its getting harder to fix. As for his friend he and his girlfriend are no longer together and he has seen me a good amount of times since December. His friend met me for lunch and held my hand, and I met him at his house to just hang out and he ended up cuddling with me. Me and his friend both have a lot in common and his friend has openly admitted that he would date me if I became single but he is leaving at the end of the summer to go off to a different college. I don't know what to do anymore. Yes I love my boyfriend and will always but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. He's trying to fix what he has been doing to me but I don't feel anything with him anymore. When I kiss him there is no spark when we make love there's nothing, when he touches me I feel as if he is just my friend. I've fallen for his friend once again but he is leaving. I know this was very long and I hope it made sense. If anyone can help me I would truly appreciate that. Thank you

Hi, I think you're really falling to your boyfriend friend, you have to make a final decision. If you don't love anymore your boyfriend you should tell him as soon as you realize it. It's better than to let yourself believe that your relationship is still strong. Your boyfriend is immature in his action and manners according to what you said. Maybe you need someone that will undestand you and have a wide understanding. And I think that's the reason why you fall in love to his friend. He has the manners that you didn't find to your boyfriend. If he is good enough for you and you really love him, then why don't you tell him honestly?But first you need to break with your boyfriend. You don't have to stay in a relationship that there's no love and understanding. It's better decision so that you will not regret and blame yourself that you did'nt tell him how you feel. And it's for him to decide if he is willing to give up his college far away from you and go at the same school with you or have a long distance relationship. Don't worry about it if you trully love each other there's always a way. What is important is you did not let the opportunity go without telling him how you feel. First you need to study well and finish your college it's more important than to end up with no degree and having a baby. Have a Good Day. God Bless.

You only get one walk through life. One set of days to enjoy and flourish. Whether you waste those days or how many of those days you'll waste is up to you.

In high school you were learning how to be a girlfriend. Somehow you allowed yourself to learn that part of being a girlfriend was calming your guy down when he got mad at you having a life. That was a mistake. The exact opposite is correct... you should have a full life of activity and accomplishment that is inspiring to be near, and the guy(s) you date are guys that already know about and respect your life.

You have to break it off with the first guy, you know that. Just don't lie when you do. You should've broken up with him in high school when he started making you defend yourself to him, but you were too immature to realize it then. Well, you're mature now, and are leading your life more and more with truth. Truth - he's too controlling, too insecure, and most of all, not your type anymore.

"Is there someone else?" He'll ask. Of course. There always has been. There has always been guys treating you nicer and being interested in you, you just had to hold them off because of him. Now you're not. Now you're going after good guys who make your life better. He doesn't do that, never really did after the first few months. He needs to know that so he can consider better behavior with his next g/f.

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You have to break it off with the first guy, you know that. Just don't lie when you do. You should've broken up with him in high school when he started making you defend yourself to him, but you were too immature to realize it then. Well, you're mature now, and are leading your life more and more with truth. Truth - he's too controlling, too insecure, and most of all, not your type anymore.

Had to spread the rep JB, but I think your absolutely right. Cut the bum loose.
Love yourself enough to stay single awhile and get used to knowing who you are. I know anyone would be better than what you had, but there is no hurry to jump into a relationship with any one is there? You really have a lot of healing and exploring self, to do.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

and most of all, not your type anymore.

JB,

Reading this brought up feelings I used to have but haven't really thought about in a while. It seems to me that many people start their dating during their high school years and continue to date the same person throughout their late teens and early twenties.

The problem with this is that people change an enormous amount during those years, and there is no guarantee that people will grow closer together. It is almost certain that people will not be the same at 21 as when they were 16 or 17 or 18. Any in many ways, the people may change in different ways and grow apart rather than together.

What I notice is that people spend a huge amount of time trying to save a relationship that has slowly grown apart because they are sad to see it go (understandably). Of course it was great in the beginning, but as time goes on, and its nothing personal, but people just may not be compatible anymore.

I guess the point of this is that people need to realize that many times breakups (especially at a younger age) are not personal attacks. I don't feel that the person dumping necessarily wants to cause any harm or pain to the dumpee, they are just doing what they know is right for both people. Thinking that a breakup is a personal attack just makes it harder to get over.

Sorry that was a little off topic :)

Hey Dolphin... Reading your post, I felt a bit sad. It sucks that you are falling for his friend, but I understand it is his fault. I read that he gets upset for very little things and makes you feel like crap after it. That is absolutely no way to treat a lady. It has been going on for a while in your relationship and every time he gets upset and starts a fight, he leaves you alone as if he does not care.

It's no wonder you are lead into another man's arms. Now you don't feel the same for your boyfriend and are looking elsewhere. To let you in on a little story; my aunt was going out with a guy and after a while ended up with the guy's best friend. She eventually married the best friend and has now been with my uncle for over 20 years.

I guess this is just a reminder to all men reading this that We the Men have to Step Up and treat our Women BETTER! If you don't do what you have to, somebody else will! Believe it or not, I am extremely lucky to have my girlfriend back after a break up. I love her with all my heart. To be very honest, sometimes it is very hard to deal with some things and sometimes you just feel like slacking and feel comfortable in the relationship, but I realized there is no time for that. There are people out there who want what is mine and I'm living everyday of my life to show my girl the MAN I am. I give my all and even when I don't have strength I put on a YouTube video or a song that reminds me of my mission. To some maybe a girlfriend is just a girlfriend or they try to be strong and say they are strong alone and don't need a girl and although that can work for them, I appreciate my girlfriend a lot and all we do together and I make it my mission to try everyday and let her know how much I care for her. We have to make our women happy!

The divorce rate is so high. We have to be men, and that doesn't mean attack and be strong with our women, it means we have to be soft with them but show them a bit aggressiveness elsewhere... Perhaps in bed, or when people bother or other things. Be very nice to her but show her who the man is by keeping her happy and by staying clean and charming and confident and just take good care of her. I'm sorry I'm rambling on, but I just feel bad for the boyfriend of the OP because he has no idea of the damage he is doing and he will regret it someday. For all other men, please let's do our thing and I'm sure you've goten the point by now. Good Luck and God bless you all!