Ask Me Help Desk - Confused

Recent events over the last couple of weeks have left me confused and I need a little outside comments.

Just a quick recap... last Dec 05 my ex girlfriend and I broke up and she told me to never contact her again and that I should leave her alone and I needed to start seeing other people.

I have done as she has asked and moved on with my life. I've started dating others, not contacted my ex in a couple of months now and am even considering a career change.

Well two weeks ago I ran into my ex's, sister-in-law at the mall which is no where near her house by the way and one that is below her standards, and we caught up a bit and told her things were going well in my life since the break up and that I was considering the career change which would require me to travel for extended periods. She shares that my ex is once again dating and doing well, but that I shouldn't read anything into my ex dating again. I was told that my ex hasn't brought the new beau to meet any of the family and so on. The s-i-s also tells me that my ex has told the family that she hasn't heard from me since the break up as she requested, but that she thought she would definitely hear from me on her birthday in March (why would she think that I have no idea after two months of not hearing from me). We end our conversation and off I go. Well today I received a letter in the mail from my ex. When my ex and I broke up we were living together in my house and she had over paid for a bill we had so I sent her a letter explaining that and a check for the amount she over paid. Well today (two months later) I get the letter and check back in the mail. This confuses me. Is this my ex's attempt to try and get me to contact her since I'm sure her s-i-s has told my ex of our conversation. I mean my ex could have easily just cashed the check, torn it up, sherdded it, or who cares what. Why send it and the letter back to me two months later. Is there a point to her doing that or am I just reading something into this?

Hahaha, funny thing is, I dealt with something similar and you know what I think it is? I think it is getting the last word in. I had an ex where I ran into her sister and told her the same thing I was doing great, next thing I know she showed up at my sisters work talking about how great she was and how she doesn't miss me (the funny thing is, it wasn't to my sisters face, but close so she could hear). This happened 1 more time where I saw her friend and her friend was talking all about her and yet again she stepped into my life to have the final word.. Now this may not be your situation but that is what it sounds like to me.

I don't know what you're reading into this, but what I read into it is, that she now wants contact of some sort - even if it's to 'get even' for something she imagined you did wrong, or she did not get what she was looking for and thinks she'll try with you again.

If you are over her, stay that way, and continue with your new career and future.

Don't give her a second thought. She wanted the break, and she still tells her family she thinks she knows you like a book - therefore is sure she has control. Forget her - and enjoy your life without playing the type of games she apparently likes to play.

If you feel you should still give her the refund, give it to the s-i-s, and leave it at that. And, if she contacts you, keep it short, and busy, and ask her straight out what she wants - no games, it will only re-open the wounds.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by vartan

Hahaha, funny thing is, I dealt with something similar and you know what I think it is? I think it is getting the last word in. I had an ex where I ran into her sister and told her the same thing I was doing great, next thing I know she showed up at my sisters work talking about how great she was and how she doesn't miss me (the funny thing is, it wasn't to my sisters face, but close so she could hear). This happened 1 more time where I saw her friend and her friend was talking all about her and yet again she stepped into my life to have the final word.. Now this may not be your situation but that is what it sounds like to me.

I think you could be right there, and hope that you are over it also.

As I suggested to 03fridge, if you are over her, stay that way and go on with your life.

You both can reflect on this years later and have a good laugh about the games people play.

We all go through this in some point in our lives, but we also get over it and mature enough to go on.

Wishing you both lots of luck!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_12_7.gifBe strong and don't let anyone re-open wounds, it's a waste of valuable time.

I am.. I live in the present not in the past luckily my sister kept me in line back then and I am happily engaged now and wouldn't want it any other way. (Dig the lion)

That's exactly what I was reading into that. That this was some sort of effort by her to get me to contact her. That this would get me thinking about her again and I would contact her and then she could tell everyone "look, he contacted me again...first". I just find it strange that she kept both the letter and refund check all this time and sends it back now. If she really didn't want it why not send it back two months ago when she first got it? By the way I will be keeping the refund check... who can't use an extra couple of bucks.

Regarding the refund - she kept it because she expected you to contact her a lot sooner - and since you did not, she had to send it to make herself obvious in your life again.

Keep up the good job - and keep the refund - stay away from her!

Congrats on the engagement! And thanks, I like that little fella too.
I use a lot of smileys here. Hope you guys like this forum as much as we do, it's one of the best on the net!

Enjoy

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Ok something does not add up, your right why would she keep the check for 2mnths and them return it too you.

I would not read too much into bumping into her sis just sounds like one of those being in the same place at the same time.

I do feel she is trying to make contact with you for some reason, when you split up did she give you a good reason as too why this was happing?? Maybe she needs some kind of close herself before she can move on, maybe she feels guilt if she take's the check! Or maybe she is just trying to play games.

You may also find that if she wanted to start dating ect' that she has found out "GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER THE OTHER SIDE".

The reason for our break up was that she told me that she needed to "take a break". Guilt:rolleyes:... ha ha ha... my ex doesn't even now what or how that feels like.

Not knowing the full picture but did you ever feel that she was seeing someone else on the side as well as seeing you?

Quote:

"take a break".

As she said take a break, I'm wondering now if she is trying to win you back over too her.

Just do not mind too much about it. Take a check, buy yourself something nice and forget about that. You did good job, she does not need that money, or does not want to owe you smth, that's all.

I think it was an attempt to make contact more than the check. She wants to see if she still has you - women need this for some reason. I WOULD NOT contact her. Women have some sort of sick ego thing where they think they need to contact you and see if she still has you - it's not an attempt to get back together. Tear up the check. DO NOT contact her on her birthday - do not!! GREAT JOB on the no contact. She maybe 'missing you' - you gave her the gift of missing you. You needed time away from her. Be unpredictable for now - if you want to get back together - this WILL take time.

Wildcat21 - since you're usually correct, should I expect to see more types of contact coming my way for a while? So if I did consider getting back together what would be the next move, and if this is on her mind what should I expect to see from her?

I'd wait. People don't get that actually the longer you wait, the better chances you have. I'd wait for a couple weeks after her birthday - she will wonder why you did not call her on her birthday. Meet for coffee and just chat... 2 hours max... then you have to go. People don't get that you need to leave the person you are pursuing 'wanting more' - wanting more of you. LESS IS MORE with women... give her less of you going forward.

You also need to find out WHAT pushed her away. Where you getting jealous over things (usually the problem), possesive, needy?? Contacted too much??

I agree with Widcat21. Good post!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I'd wait. People don't get that actually the longer you wait, the better chances you have. I'd wait for a couple weeks after her birthday - she will wonder why you did not call her on her birthday. Meet for coffee and just chat.....2 hours max...then you have to go. People don't get that you need to leave the person you are pursuing 'wanting more' - wanting more of you. LESS IS MORE with women.....give her less of you going forward.

You also need to find out WHAT pushed her away. Where you getting jealous over things (usually the problem), possesive, needy????????? Contacted too much?????

It's an old show business fact... leave them wanting more. Guys blow it all the time by being way too available.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

It's an old show business fact.....leave them wanting more. Guys blow it all the time by being way too available.

From a women's point of view: too clingy, needy, and overwhelming are bad things. Being easygoing and fun to be with are a big plus!

Wildcat21 - to answer your question as to why she left. That is what I would like to know myself. She told me it was because she felt I wasn't into her like she was me... that I didn't do the little love trinkets thing anymore... that she just needed a break... that she had made so many bad dating and marriage mistakes that she just needed time for herself and needed to heal herself and that she needed to take a break but we would still be dating during this time, but I just needed to give her space. These reasons were given to me over a three month time frame before she actually moved out. Little did I know that she had already told her family and our friends that we had broken up and would never get back together and I was allowing her to stay until she could find a place to live. Unfortunately I found that out after the next para happened.

I gave her her space and she would call me on the phone a couple of times a week, we even got together a couple of times and so on during the first month of the break. The second month of the break the phone calls were more infrequent which was fine. Then at Christmas all heck broke loose. She was very adament about wanting to spend Christmas together. So I bit and bought the gift and was prepared to do the "Holiday" thing. So she sets a time for me to come to her apartment and then changed the date/time three different times. So I decide to stop by and just drop off the gift and call it a day. To make a long story short her, her date and I all happened to hit the front porch at the same time. I wasn't mad that she was going on a date, but was upset that she had lied to me about it. She had told me that she would be honest and tell me if she was ever going on a date since she had asked me not to date anyone else while she was on this break. So I told her that it probably was best if we just went our separate ways at that time since I felt I she couldn't live up to her end of the agreement about her telling me that she was dating. The next day she tells me that we can never be friends again and I am never ever to contact her again and we will never be friends again. That was two months ago.

So that's why I am confused as to why she sent me that letter and refund check after all this time. I lived up to what she asked. She wanted no contact... she got not contact.

New update from today. Since my ex girlfriend knows where I lunch almost every day... I had a guest visit today. The ex shows up while I'm eating and asks if I got the letter yet. I said I did. I asked if she would like to sit down and her response was most interesting... she said "I want you to be happy and find what you are looking for, however it's not with me...thank you for the offer, but no thanks." I thought, but didn't say this "Excuse me...it took you two months to come to that conclusion, and you had to drive clear across town to tell me. I think I had already figured it out." What I did say was "what makes you think I'm not happy and haven't found what I'm looking for. I agree with what I think you are trying to say, but I would enjoy having you as a friend in my life without being in a relationship with you. I can be your friend with out that". She looked dumbfounded, said goodbye and left. What's up with all this all the sudden? Two months of nothing then all of the sudden this! I almost fell off my park bench when she walked up. If she doesn't want any part of being in my life why is she doing this all of the sudden? By the way I am dating others and have moved on after the fiasco at the Holidays and other things I found out at that same time. Sad thing is I would get back with her in a New York minute, knowing though that it would never work out and what happened the first time would happen again. You would think I would be smarter knowing that.

You would think you would be smarter. Please be smarter and never let that happen again. Why would you go out with her again when she is just going to turn around and go out with somebody else.