Ask Me Help Desk - How to reconcile

Can I please get some feedback or your views on reconciling with your ex. I guess what I am asking and I know this depends on the details of the issue but, is there ever a point of no return to get back with your ex whether you are the dumper or dumpee? If so then what would be the best way to approach this meaning the steps I would take as the dumpee to take if she is willing to try to work things out or give it a shot to see if things will get better. Also what are the steps needed from her other then commitment. Basically if the person is willing to hang out and see what happens but how do or would I handle this with her. I know I would be on shaky ground with her so I would want to say the right things and so the right things to not smother her or pressure her.

Thank Guys!!

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this depends on the details of the issue

I found it rarely depends on the details.. As unique and as special as you value your relationship, reading these forums has made me come to the conclusion that they're all the same down to the core.

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is there ever a point of no return to get back with your ex

Once you get dumped it kind of is the point of no return - it means the other person just doesn't want to be with you

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If so then what would be the best way to approach this meaning the steps i would take as the dumpee to take if she is willing to try to work things out or give it a shot to see if things will get better.

Chances are if you are dumped ,she doesn't want to work things out again.. if she does there's even more of a chance that you'll just take a longer route to back where you started. You need to reflect on your own life or at least have some time apart for the two of you to change in any way. If you reconcile in a week/month after you've broken up.. You're going to feel the intense feeling of love for a while, and everything will be perfect - until that problem that caused you to break up in the first instant pops up again.. It is inevitable.. If you haven't grown from when you last let it each other go then it is highly unlikely things are going to be different second time around.
and to be honest, you reach a point (as the dumpee) where if you got back together you would act like a dog with his tail between his legs.. You'd conform to every request of your ex in fear of losing her again.. OR you would be extra cautious so you don't get heart broken again, go into it with low expectations but guess what - this wasn't the relationship you had in the first place, so its not the relationship you thought you wanted back.
You're getting something different this time around.

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Basically if the person is willing to hang out and see what happens but how do or would i handle this with her

If you got dumped and the person is still "willing to hang around" - chances are she's keeping you there to drown her own guilt..
OR she's stringing you along for a ride because she doesn't want to lose you.. But trust me when the right guy comes along, your 2 hour conversations will cease to exist.. and your cries of "you were sending me mixed feelings" will only return "I told you I just wanted to be friends".
The best way to go about it is NO CONTACT - nothing.
Why?
So you can focus on yourself.. and absorb what you have learned from this relationship.. cause if you haven't learned anything then its only going to come back and bite you in the a** again with another girl..
Also - when you think about it: the only way she will miss you and understand if its you she truthfully wants to be with is if you Aren't IN HER LIFE ANYMORE.. If she has you as a friend , she won't miss you at all. She'll just have the freedom she requested + your company as a bonus.
But NC isn't a way of getting your ex back..
It's so you start controlling the one thing you have control over : YOUR OWN LIFE... and looking ahead for greener pastures.
When something is dead - let it be.

Written well, thank you! Anymore advice from someone else please!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2788688,

You aren't going to like this, but your still to freshly hurt to process any information that can help you move on. As I have read all your posts, and can tell your still in a fog, just by the questions you ask, and the directions the post take. Time and being proactive in rebuilding your life, will eventually allow you to cope with your loss.

Thanks and you are right, you have to understand, and I am sure you do because you give great advise, that I am far from over her and time will have to take it course. I am asking such questions because even though I am and know its over and I must move on, I just have a lot of questions in which I know you can't answer them all, but your take on this reconcile matter would be greatly appeciated, meaning would would be the factors for it to happen not just as a relationship but as a friendship with her.?

I can do that, reconcilliations comes,

When both partners are willing to try again.

Friendship comes when,

Both partners agree to be friends
Disclaimer, for a healthy relationship, or friendship, both partners must be healthy and mentally and emotionally stable.

You can't give me just your opinion on the apropiate steps when both partners agree to reconcile?? Meaning what needs to be done to make the second change work??

I think to reconcile in either a friendship or a relationship as tal mentioned depends on many factors.
Did you end things on good terms? If no, see what went wrong and be the bigger person and make sure that it ends on good terms. Reconciliation occurs when two people can reach a mutual agreement from where they can then start planning for the future, whether together or apart

What are the motives for the both of you? If she doesn't want you back then you mustn't pressure her by being to clingy or needy. You must accept her decision and understand that this may be what is best RIGHT NOW. She changed and so did her feelings and who knows what the future may hold? But right now if she says she doesn't want you in her life, accept her decision and walk away. I know it's hard, I'm going through it right now day-by-day. Just take baby steps before you take giant leaps.
Don't take matters into your owns hands by "trying to get her back." She MUST WANT YOU back and for that to occur, she must see what she's missing by not being with you. If that means dating other guys, then so be it. Also WORK ON YOURSELF. There is nothing better than having an ex look back and see what she's messed up on. Better yourself anyway you can. LOOK AT THE STICKY's on this forum to see how you can better yourself, depending on the type of person that you are.

But the most important thing for you is to be PATIENT. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was your relationship. It took time and effort. Take the time and effort on yourself, explore what's out there, enjoy life by the minute. Who knows, you may want to reconcile for all the wrong reasons right now, but if you're patient and can think logically, maybe you might change your mind. You may also find someone who compliments you better than your ex. I wanted my ex back but I changed my mind and now I don't want her back. I still think about her a lot but that doesn't mean I want to reconcile.

Be patient, be strong, and if you really want to reconcile start by improving yourself and become the person that she fell in love with. Be the independent person you know you can be and move forward. Who knows, this may be a detour in both your lives and further down the road you two may get back together. So worry about your life and let her worry about hers. Think about today and plan for tomorrow by remembering the past.

Hope that kind of helps

nickshehe, I had to spread it, but what you pointed out was well put.

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I have told her that and at this time anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. She says she has giving me chances before, and which she did not. She is really not her self and my talking to...

Apparently, what she told you also traveled in the same way in your head... so leave it alone.

miller3... how do you know she is not 'herself'? The only person you can be sure about is YOU... so are you being 'yourself'?? What have you learned out of this whole business? Have you learned to listen and not assume - just because you want to hear something else?

If she said she has given you chances, then in her mind, she has - and there is nothing you can do to change that. She is in charge of her emotions and opinions, not you.

Life is hard and we don't cope well with rejection, but in time we learn how to avoid it by picking someone more compatible with our interests in life and ones who share common goals. Apparently you did not cut the mustard with this girl, so don't you think it's time that you accepted this fact and got on with your own life?

There is no recipe for mending things in a relationship, but one thing I do know is that when that 'special' feeling is gone, so is the woman - and you'll not get her back. We women might not have that exterior organ that erects when we get an urge, but we do have something similar and it starts in our head - and when this no longer 'erects' because you killed it, no amount of 'viagra' will get it back. No promises, no headstands, nada!

There is no use in trying to understand it or think that you can read her mind and that you are sure that something is wrong with her... when you beg her to come back, you only make it worse and she will feel sorry for you - then the 'mother instinct' shows, but don't mistake it for recindling of lust - it's not.

Be a man and accept rejection and start mending your own life and go on.

And in reply to your post #7 - unless you both go to therapy together and be totally honest - THERE WILL NEVER BE THE ANSWER you want in this relationship!

I think you have a blockage here, because nothing we are saying seems to sink in. But you are not alone in this, this is not unique - read the stickies mentioned in my signature and see that others have had similar problems and learned to listen and heal to pass it on to those that need our help.

Good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Miller,

How long were you two together for?

Never say never, but if this were a casino, I wouldn't gamble on it. I know that the odds are stacked against me.

Never mind that question, just got to your other posts.

Look at it this way. Focus on yourself! You need to take some time to learn how to be single again.

I know where you are coming from. Going through it right now in fact.

Are you really trying to focus on yourself or are you still sitting there thinking about ways to get this girl back? I ask only because that is what it sounds like.

Sorry to tell you, but if that's what's happening, reconciliation is just not going to happen. This is because if she did either see or talk to you, she would know right away that nothing has changed with you and it will just reaffirm her decision to leave.

Reconciliations rarely work (and I stress rarely). It takes two people that have learned from the experience and have come together to discuss the possibility. They have to work twice as hard at the relationship than those who are first timers because they have to make sure that they do not slip into the patterns that caused the break up in the first place. Also, the emotional attachment is never the same. One or both of you will always have this feeling that the ball is going to drop again and causes you to be a bit withdrawn emotionally and mentally.

Are you starting to see the picture as to why when you break up, it is better to move on rather than to restart?

You just need to focus on you. It is extremely hard to get past it at first, but you can do it.

Do yourself a favor before you even think about reconciliation again.

Write a letter that you will never send her (and NEVER send it). In that letter to her, write about how all the things that she did just prior to and including the break-up were her fault and that you are a better person than she thought of you. Make sure to include how much you worked at the relationship in comparison to her and how much value that you placed on it and her. Don't be afraid to call it the way that you see it because you are never going to send it anyway. If you want, include how much more you should have been valued than she ever realized and that you are better off without her.

I know that it may seem strange, but you need to write it to get it all out. Then put the letter away for a few days - say a week. After that week, take the letter out and reread it. You will see that you really are better than she thought of you, and then you can begin moving forward. The key question here is do you really want to be with someone who couldn't respect and trust you enough to be honest and open when the were problems starting. Remember, when someone breaks up with you, it's because they are a) to selfish to try to work it out, or b) to trust that you can learn and make the right decisions.

The less that you know about where she is and what she is doing, the better that it is for you. You need time and space, but more importantly, you need to find new things to do to fill the void left in your life. Focus on sports and social activities. The more that you do to be out with others, the less that you will think about her.

Get out there learn and love yourself and your life again.

Moving> good post you really need to take a step back and examine things before you can even think of reconciliation. Is it worth it? Can you EVER forgive someone for putting you through all the crap she is putting you through now?

If your best friend walked up to you and punched you in the face, you'd be ticked and probably not talk to him again. So why should you be missing someone who did something worse to you?

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Originally Posted by miller3

you can't give me just your opinion on the apropiate steps when both partners agree to reconcile???? Meaning what needs to be done to make the second change work????

What your looking for a roadmap when you need a star chart as there is a lot about two partners that you must consider. Life doesn't always have exact answers to your questions, and it's a journey to solve your problems so imagine what it takes for two people to work together. It starts with being healthy yourself, and goes right along.