I need some serious advice from parents or the like who have had experience dealing with the unruly behavior of children.

I am a single mother of two children, a daughter aged 13, and a son aged 9. My ex-husband and I share custody. When I pick my children up from their father's home, they are completely out of control. They fight constantly - yelling, screaming, and hitting each other. I especially have problems with my 9-year-old son. When I ask him to do something or to stop doing something, he tells me, "No". He screams in anger at the top of his lungs. He gets mad and slams doors, and he throws things when he does not get his way. I have tried time-out, speaking to him about this behavior, and I've even resorted to spanking his bottom on occasion. It may work for a short time, but when I pick him up again, it's the same old story.

When I have each child one-on-one, they usually do not behave so badly. It's typically a nightmare when I have them together.

I know this sounds bad, but even though I miss them when they are with their dad, I am beginning to dread picking them up, because I know it will be an evening of fighting, yelling, and screaming.

I have stopped buying them things until they can learn to behave. I have taken privileges from both. Nothing is helping.

I would really like to have the time I spend with my children enjoyable for all.

I realize they are kids and that they will act up on occasion, but this is just ridiculous.

You're ex husband obviously doesn't have your two kids in control when they're with him. I suggest communicating with him. What does he do with them that whole time? Whatever they want? If that is the case I would put your foot down, and tell him that it's not acceptable for you and you don't like to think that your children could possible be in danger when with him. If he's mature enough, he'll listen and tame the children down.

With your 9 year old, you have to learn to ignore it. If he isn't big enough to realize that he needs to stop acting like a baby then he isn't big enough for T.V. computer, video games, cell phone etc and that he will need to go to bed every night at 7 o'clock. He needs to have his homework done by then too. Once you tell him that, the rest is up to him. The more and more you instigate on it (by giving him the attention he wants), the more brattier he is going to be. You need to step your foot down. He has control. Let him know that he doesn't.

Hopefully your son will get the hint and stop acting like a whinny three year old.

I also am a mother of three children ages 12, 3 and 7 months and boy do I know what your talking about.

My 12 year old fights with my three year old as if they were cats and dogs. It kids being kids but I definitely agree with bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE you should try communicating with your ex (As hard as that may be) you two are the parents and need to come to an agreement.

Don't give your nine year old ANY attention when he is misbehaving, truly ignore him completely when he acts the way he has been and when he does ask you for something say "Im sorry you dont know how to act, when you start to learn how then you will be taken into consideration".

The 13 year old Im sure thinks she knows everything if she is anything like my 12 year old but again take everything away PERMANANTLY and be Consistent until they start caring about you and your feelings.

Unruly Brunette,

Thanks for your advice.

I have discussed my children's bad behavior with my ex-husband and he INSISTS that he does not have this problem with them. I asked my daughter if they behave this badly for their father, and she stated that neither of them do, because they are both afraid of the repercussions. So... I guess this is only a problem that I am dealing with.

I am very, very frustrated, especially with my 9-year-old son. My daughter is for the most part well-behaved unless she antagonizes my son.

You are right, obviously he is in control of the situation and driving me completely mad. I will try the 7:00pm, not TV, toys, games, etc. until he can get it in his mind that I will no longer tolerate this sort of behavior from him.

The worst thing to do is loose your temper with them, just have a chat and tell them that what they're doing isn't fair on you and they're making your life quite hard for you. Part of the problem could be that you and your ex-husband aren't together anymore? When parents don't get along or there's problems at home, children sometimes go off the rails and act badly. Talk to your ex-husband about what you're going through and suggest you work together to help the situation, and spend some quality time with your kids together. Maybe then your children will realize spending time with you is fun and will stop acting like they do.
Hope this helps? :)
Xx

Have you ever sat down and talked with your son about WHY he does this type of behavior? Just punishing a child is one thing - I always used the "let's sit down and discuss this" with my son anytime he misbehaved. Sometimes it takes more than one sit down and discuss it for the real, true reason to emerge from the child. Take it one day at a time, one incident at a time. Just depriving him of privileges doesn't work with all kids. I always did the psychology thing on my son and it worked every time. We always had our "mommie/sonnie" time every day to discuss anything and everything with each other. You might be too busy with your life to give him the attention he craves right now to realize it. I know, parents should not be "friends" with their kids as some people advise, but I don't go along with that kind of parenting. I was always my son's friend first, mom second.

Kids will always test you but you have to be firm with them and set boundaries. The father might be allowing them to act anyway and he needs to work as a team with you when it comes to rules sometimes ignoring the problem makes it worst and needs to handle with am iron fist as it occurs. Maybe counseling is not a bad idea. My niece used to be out of control by yelling, throwing temper traums and she was only six after everything else fail and her mother turned to counseling and it did wonders. If this continue you it will leave you stress and give you high blood pressure. Their behavior is not acceptable and needs to be address now don't let it get too out of control where it can be unbearable.

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