Ask Me Help Desk - Baby momma dramra

I've been dating this guy for 3 years now and about July of 07' we split up just to see if we were meant to be together. Eventually we got back with each other Jan 0f 08', but while we were split up he got another woman pregnant. She is due in July and he is in MO at basic training but he wants to with me and we've decided to start our own family when he gets home next month, and she is already on that drama tip, with trying to control him. He was living with me before he left in March and he will come home to me and she and I have meet and I'm not a drama type person but I will if I have to be and I don't want that to happen I would love to except their child in our lives like he excepted my 10 year old daughter when we met 3 years ago, so what do I do?

How old are you both?

He's 29 She's 28 and I'm 27

You realize that accepting their child into your lives means accepting HER into your lives too, right?

She is NEVER going to go away.

I suggest all THREE of you go to a counselor together, or at least have a mediated meeting, where you can hammer out some of how you will handle the details of the three of you dealing with each other for at least the next 18 years.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

You realize that accepting their child into your lives means accepting HER into your lives too, right?

She is NEVER going to go away.

I suggest all THREE of you go to a counselor together, or at least have a mediated meeting, where you can hammer out some of how you will handle the details of the three of you dealing with each other for at least the next 18 years.

I totally undersand that and I'm willing to do just that and so is he but what if she isn't willing. And the other thing she knew about me and still had unprotected sex with him.

Whoa whoa whoa... see, that's part of the attitude that has to change.

HE knew about you too... and still had unprotected sex with HER.

EQUAL blame here, honey.

And if she isn't willing, then fine. You take the kid for his visitations (and make sure to get a good lawyer for that court battle) and don't deal with her otherwise.

Thing is--YOU need to realize that he's as much (or MORE!) to blame for this situation as she is. Being upset with her because she won't fall into your happy little plans is fruitless. SHE might have had happy little plans too--and hey, you were broken up at the time. How was SHE to know that it wasn't permanent? I mean, was this a one night stand that he just said "hey baby, let's have sex and never talk again?" If that's the case, then what are YOU expecting from this guy? If it was MORE than that--then she had every right to hope that he would NOT get back together with you and instead fall for her. I mean, you guys split up! He was fair game!

Part of the reason that I think all three of you should get together in the same room, preferably with a 3rd party mediator, is because I think he's telling you one thing, and her another. Either that, or he's consistent in HIS story, but one or both of you women are hearing it the way you WANT to hear it, and he's not correcting your assumptions because then everyone is mad at HIM again.

Bottom line is--don't be mad at her. Be mad at him. HE had unprotected sex too. HE knew about you. HE made the choices that led to this woman being pregnant. Take a long hard look at your man, sweetie, because the "other woman" (who, remember, had sex with a SINGLE man) is probably royally ticked with both you and him--you for stealing "her" man, and him for lying to her and abandoning her (because that's how she probably sees it) when she's pregnant to go back to his ex.

You and the girl sounds like your have resentment towards each other when in fact it should be the guy your should be mad at for putting your both in this situation and for the next 18 she and him will have a relationship because of the child. She really don't have to like or deal with you, but it will be nice, only him so remember that, your not even married. Why did he want a break from you in the first place.

The only thing I did not like about your post is that you putting all the blame on her and that's want most women do. They better be happy thdt all that happen when all these std's are going around, that's nasty and foolish, both should know better.

In closing two things could happen your all learn to get along and make each other life a living hell. If she don't take to you want can you do and its her choice, but don't interfere with him having a relationship with the child because even if you don't like it it includes one with her. She might also take him for child support so he better get ready for court.

This all could have been avoided if a condom was use, see how one minor decision can change your life.

He made a bad error in judgement and must now pay, if its his, and for that it takes a test and not just someone's word. If its his he must support the child and ALL the so called adults should pull together, and raise this child with love. To only blame this other female, is not wise, nor fair.

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so what do I do?

See him for what he is, and don't just accept what he puts down, without a lot of thought.

There's only one of two things you can do:
1] leave him
2]stay with him

You and her might not get along and have a right to dislike one another and she going be around for the next 18 years top, so if you think its too much to handle then go. What happens when your split again and the reason your split sounds childish, I would never split with someone I love unless I want to fool around with other people in order not to cheat after being with that person for a number of years.

If your can't work it out by talking and you stay get ready for your world to get turned outside down.

Also I agree with othees don't blame her for getting pregnant because your boyfriend played a role in it and at the time you was something of the past not current.