Ask Me Help Desk - Say she's interested but doesn't have the time.

So here's the story. I met a woman on myspace about a year that I befriended, really got to know and finally met about half a year ago. She's a 32 year old single parent with a 17 year old daughter (yes you read that right) that works as a dental assistant. She lives GA and I'm in OH. I'm incredibly smitten with her and for the longest time I was often (as she put it) the needed distraction from her daily life. We've both discussed a possible future together but recognize that between all that's required of ourselves in our daily lives, she with her daughter nearly graduating and I'm attempting to get my foot in the door of an IT company to finally start my career in a failing market... that something really serious would be a little too much at the moment, but still entertained the thought of being closer to one another (physically speaking).

Well now here's my problem, this past spring she's gotten kind of distant, citing all sorts of stress and how she feels she never has any time for herself. We went from talking daily to maybe once a few days and she doesn't sound happy when she gets to talk to me like she used to. She claims that she still has the same interest as she did before but that she's miserable lately and just doesn't have the time for romantic thoughts what so ever. Recently I've been informed that I'd have an opportunity to move much closer to her and when I told her I figured she'd be somewhat excited, but in reality I was quite underwhelmed by her response. She claims she still enjoys our conversations and welcomes the thought of me being closer but as she states "you know what my situation is... I'm not going to have any more time then i did before.... I don't want you to come down here thinking 'I'm your's and you're mine' "

I am by nature not someone who falls in love at first sight but the kind that as more time passes the other person becomes a more important part of my daily life, I grow more attached to them as time passes. Thanks to bad experiences in both my childhood and adulthood I don't know how to handle when someone starts becoming more distant... I get insecure and paranoid. I'm not big into talking for hours and hours and hours but communication even if brief is really important to me and I don't take well to the silent treatment whether its my fault or not. So all this has been really disheartening on top of the fact that life is already hard enough living in one of the poorest cities in the US.

So she says one thing but totally acts a different way. I'm fighting this feeling of insecurity and paranoia while trying to take what she says at face value and I'm not doing well with it. Its like my instincts tell me one thing and she's telling me another.

I'd like a woman's perspective on this one because personally and maybe because I'm a guy, I've never at one point in my life, no matter how stressful or busy I was, felt that someone I was interested in I couldn't make time for or that they were taking up my time.

Any thoughts, opinions? What would you do?

I don't think there is just one clear answer.

1. she is honestly not interested anymore or may has started to see someone and doesn't know how to tell you.

2. she may be nervous about putting her words into actions. Sometimes women don't even fully understand why they are pushing a guy away

Honesty is the best policy in my opinion. Ask her about it. Talk to her. Don't push though. Ask if there is a man involved. Remember that you two are friends and that her dating someone isn't a breach on your relationship. Say something and talk to her but give her room. Women like to be seen as a puzzle but sometimes we're more of a tangled ball of yarn. It takes time to unravel the mess but we make something quite beautiful when it's all said and done.

Hi Jimmy. I'm going to try and give as concise answer as possible, but this is a difficult situation with many parameters. First, there is safety in distance. Your relationship with her began on-line, at a far distance. She may have been able to confide in you, because of this. She obviously has had to deal with some very difficult situations, at a very young age. This could cause her to put up a barrier to anyone that gets close to her on an intimate level. Consequently, for her, there is a certain level of safety at maintaining a relationship with someone she may never actually meet. Second, upon the realization that she's confided in someone, began to build a certain intimacy with them and that the other person is not only interested, but willing to move to be with her, could be scaring the h-e (double hockey sticks) out of her. Thus, causing her to distance herself from you in order to maintain what she deems as literally and figuratively a safe distance. Often, women who have children at a very young age, are very conservative about who they let into their life. They feel they must protect their children and themselves, even if the other person involved is not a threat. That being said, she's being honest about her situation. She's also trying to ensure that there are no false or over exceeded expectations. Talking to her and expressing your feelings in a non confrontational format, telling her how you feel about the situation and not the serious feelings for her may make her more open to the idea that you are not a threat. Giving her space and time, without sacrificing your own ideals or emotions could be the best course of action. Know when to fish or cut bait - if she's really not interested in a relationship in the real world, moving on could be best for both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy79

So here's the story. I met a woman on myspace about a year that I befriended, really got to know and finally met about half a year ago. She's a 32 year old single parent with a 17 year old daughter (yes you read that right) that works as a dental assistant. She lives GA and I'm in OH. I'm incredibly smitten with her and for the longest time I was often (as she put it) the needed distraction from her daily life. We've both discussed a possible future together but recognize that between all that's required of ourselves in our daily lives, she with her daughter nearly graduating and I'm attempting to get my foot in the door of an IT company to finally start my career in a failing market... that something really serious would be a lil too much at the moment, but still entertained the thought of being closer to one another (physically speaking).

Well now here's my problem, this past spring she's gotten kind of distant, citing all sorts of stress and how she feels she never has any time for herself. We went from talking daily to maybe once a few days and she doesn't sound happy when she gets to talk to me like she used to. She claims that she still has the same interest as she did before but that she's miserable lately and just doesnt have the time for romantic thoughts what so ever. Recently I've been informed that I'd have an opportunity to move much closer to her and when I told her I figured she'd be somewhat excited, but in reality I was quite underwhelmed by her response. She claims she still enjoys our conversations and welcomes the thought of me being closer but as she states "you know what my situation is... I'm not going to have any more time then i did before.... I don't want you to come down here thinking 'I'm your's and you're mine' "

I am by nature not someone who falls in love at first sight but the kind that as more time passes the other person becomes a more important part of my daily life, I grow more attached to them as time passes. Thanks to bad experiences in both my childhood and adulthood I don't know how to handle when someone starts becoming more distant... i get insecure and paranoid. I'm not big into talking for hours and hours and hours but communication even if brief is really important to me and I don't take well to the silent treatment whether its my fault or not. So all this has been really disheartening on top of the fact that life is already hard enough living in one of the poorest cities in the US.

So she says one thing but totally acts a different way. I'm fighting this feeling of insecurity and paranoia while trying to take what she says at face value and I'm not doing well with it. Its like my instincts tell me one thing and she's telling me another.

I'd like a woman's perspective on this one because personally and maybe because I'm a guy, I've never at one point in my life, no matter how stressful or busy i was, felt that someone I was interested in I couldn't make time for or that they were taking up my time.

Any thoughts, opinions? What would you do?

What's interesting is that for the longest time she constantly pushed me to move there to be with her, not necessarily living with her but physically close enough.

Well I've on several occaisions(one being about a week ago) said bluntly what my feelings were and that if they were a problem tell me now while I'm in the mind set to handle it and go my own way. She responded saying that I shouldn't take anything personally and that she cuts herself off from just about everyone just so she can have some time to relax maybe even watch some TV which is a rarity. She said that she knows she comes off as being cold but despite her stress and attitude lately she still maintains the mindset that after all is taken care of (my career/her daugher) that the thought of something abit more serious is possible once she really gets more time to focus on her personal life.

I've always told her that I want her to be honest with me because I'll be with her and that if she started to feel a little too alone because of the distance or what have you to just let me know because I do understand fully(and I really do, I'm not just saying that) and then I know I should go my own separate way. So far she's said nothing to the affect of "I'm not comfortable with you feeling that way about me".

So now I'm just stuck in this god awful feeling of am I stressing her out and she's just not telling me but what she tells me is the honest to god truth... and that if I split and leave her behind I'll just be another immature guy.

Sigh...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy79

What's interesting is that for the longest time she constantly pushed me to move there to be with her, not necessarily living with her but physically close enough.

Well I've on several occaisions(one being about a week ago) said bluntly what my feelings were and that if they were a problem tell me now while I'm in the mind set to handle it and go my own way. She responded saying that I shouldn't take anything personally and that she cuts herself off from just about everyone just so she can have some time to relax maybe even watch some TV which is a rarity. She said that she knows she comes off as being cold but despite her stress and attitude lately she still maintains the mindset that after all is taken care of (my career/her daugher) that the thought of something abit more serious is possible once she really gets more time to focus on her personal life.

I've always told her that I want her to be honest with me because I'll be with her and that if she started to feel a lil too alone because of the distance or what have you to just let me know because I do understand fully(and i really do, I'm not just saying that) and then I know I should go my own seperate way. So far she's said nothing to the affect of "I'm not comfortable with you feeling that way about me".

So now I'm just stuck in this god awful feeling of am i stressing her out and she's just not telling me but what she tells me is the honest to god truth.... and that if i split and leave her behind I'll just be another immature guy.

Sigh....

Wow. This is clearly, not easy. Saying one thing, but actions show another. Obviously you feel a connection or attraction to this woman. You want to love her and be with her. However, when you express this, she shies away, makes excuses and in general keeps you at a distance. The doubts you feel are natural, since it seems at one time she reciprocated the feelings you've expressed to her and now she doesn't want to pursue things past a specific point. Pushing the issue will only make her seclude herself. It would seem that she wants to stay in her current situation for an undetermined amount of time. It could be a while, a long while. If you want to stay around and stick it out, if you feel that the end would be worth the wait, then you can only heed to her advice and wait. However, guard yourself and don't let someone keep you waiting or string you along. I wouldn't put must trust in the theory that you're immature for "leaving her". You can only hold on for so long and sacrifice so much. I hope, despite whatever you decide, things work out in the future.

Quote:

I don't want you to come down here thinking 'I'm your's and you're mine' "

I think her intentions are quite clear. As you're a friend, and a welcome distraction. You must realize on some level, that you are more emotionally involved, and she wants nothing from you but conversation every now and then. Back away, and seek your own happiness with someone who wants to share, and care as you do, because she doesn't. Don't push it.

She actually just said to me today via email "Don't fret so much"... "you know Devon(daughter) is the most important thing right now"... "I can't stand my job as you know lately and there's so much going on with her and school, then theres the fact i can't stand living her anymore... I'm just overwhelmed, but I still feel the same way as I did before... stop fretting before it gets annoying"

I've even said that I'd stop being all sweet on the phone and what not but she said its really OK, and that she's just miserable lately with everything but that I shouldn't take it to heart and that if she were really not interested at all "I'd tell you"