Hi there. This is kind of a long one, so I apologize in advance.
D. and I met in college during our senior year. We broke up shortly after we graduated, but got back together a few months later, realizing that we missed one another. We then dated long-distance for a year and a half, and things were good. Okay, yes, I had my temptations here and there, and occasionally acted on them, which was a problem, and I look back on that as a self-destructive and/or experimental phase of my life. I had my transgressions, but I never loved anyone but D. Then, I met M.
I didn't set out to fall for M. but I did. He's sweet, sensitive, adoring, and probably the kindest person I've ever met. I can trust him. He didn't go on a job for which he would have been paid $3,000 (for a couple days) just to spend time with me. Within a week or two, we'd said "I love you."
So, I had to stop lying before things went further. I broke things off with D. The breakup was awful and a complete mind, for lack of a better word. It left me an emotional wreck. I needed a little alone time afterwards to pick up the pieces, so to speak. M. was happy I did what I did, and appreciated that it wasn't easy.
Now that I've been with M. for a few months, things are still good. We rarely have arguments, but nothing too heated, and it's always a result of that we are both sensitive people and sometimes take things the wrong way. He still loves me just as much, and I do love him... and would love him more if I didn't have these doubts creeping into my head.
The doubts:
1. His job. He's a professional guitarist. Part of what makes me love him is his passion for what he does, and I'd never make him give it up. That said...
A. work is not always stable, jobs do not always flow in.
B. The job requires him to be away on tour sometimes. I get lonely when he's away (but it is a great chance to occupy myself with interests and friends, and to rediscover each other when we're back in proximity.) I worry about explaining why Daddy's gone to our kids - and taking care of them myself, plus having a career! Hopefully M's career will become a little more stable... but I can't bank on it.
C. I worry about making more money than my spouse - specifically, that it could breed resentment (of course, that could change!)
2. His friends and family. They are nice people, but a lot of them are kind of losers with no ambition. One friend is 35 and still lives in his parents' basement. Another friend is 24 and still hasn't even gotten his associate's degree because he's too busy doing drugs, reading the Beats, and being depressed. M's family is, again, incredibly nice - his mom is definitely where he gets his sweet nature from - but no ambition at all. NONE of his siblings went to college, and I'm not sure even his dad did. Meanwhile, just about everyone my family and I know went to college or has kids who are attending college. It's just a different socioeconomic background, I guess, and I think my parents will not accept him because they'll think he's "bringing me down." They want me to do BETTER for myself.
3. I worry that he may never leave the area where he grew up - and I don't want to live there. Scratch that - there are certain towns in that area where I wouldn't mind living. Either way, I don't want to feel tied to living in one state my whole life just because he doesn't want to change. We haven't discussed this and probably should.
4. He smokes weed a lot. I do rarely (only w/him) but he seems to do it almost for medicinal purposes. It just doesn't seem like something that a 32-year-old should be doing. Perhaps I'm being old-fashioned.
5. My parents share my concerns - to an unhealthy, exponential degree. When we had barely started dating, I told them about him. They were horrified by that he's 7 years older and that he's a rock musician. I just don't think they will ever get over this. I seriously don't even think they'd attend my wedding - and if they did, they'd do it with cross looks on their faces. My mother would be ashamed to tell her friends about him (I know this because she told me outright.) I'm not sure I could live with this.
I haven't mentioned M. to them since. For all they know, I'm single.
All these factors have put doubts into my head. Now I wonder if I should get back with my ex (assuming he'd give me the chance.) There was really nothing wrong with him, aside from that our relationship was getting a little stale - comfortable, like old sweatpants, but also kind of ratty. I wondered if it was normal for this to happen so soon into a relationship, particularly a long-distance one. He's going to be a scientist, is 7 months my junior, and is a very level-headed guy. We got along well - our senses of humor matched, taste in music (to a certain extent), we both READ (I've never seen M. with a book, which concerns me.) He was a very stable person to have in my life. I could see what our life together would be like, and it was comfortable, for sure. Financial security, kids at some point, we both wanted to live in the country some day. A lot of our values were similar, and I think we did grow as a couple.
I greatly appreciate any and all insights. Thank you for reading.
