To make a long story short, Im 19 years old and my first real girlfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We dated for almost 4 years and I was in love with her and I was real tight with her family. We immaturely talked about marriage and all that stuff. She broke up me for a variety of reasons but from what I can gather it was mostly for wanting to be independent. I tried everything I could to get her back but she just wouldn't have me. I finally got it through my head that it was really over when she told me "im sorry your just aren't the one." I know its over now I've accepted that and I'm OK with it, but I still think about her and day dream about what couldve been and all the things I regret and did wrong and I'm so sick of it. I just want to ask if anyone could give me any kind of timeline where I won't think about the things I shouldve or couldve done and quit thinking about my regrets. And also I would like to think you all in advance because even though Ive never asked on here before I went through and read about these things and you all have helped get to the point where I am and made me realize that I have to let go and accept that its over. Thank you

It is a choice that you make if you are really going to let go. A person can choose to "drag themselves over the coals" and bemoan the things that could have been. (I tend to do both of those things!) I don't know that there is any sort of time line for getting over someone or in loving them. What I do know has helped me, is for people to encourage me to get over something and also to dive right into some kind of healthy activity for myself, like maybe a new project or becoming more active in a club or joining a new club. The list could go on for the possibilities.

I know that when I just sit and think, that I will tend to get depressed and ruminate about things. Time to get active, then!

There have been quite a few women with whom I have been truly, in love. Am I still in love with some of them? Yes. Do some of them still love me? Yes. Is this okay? Yes. The only thing there is though, is that for some reason or reasons, things didn't work out and we went our separate ways. That's okay, too. If having a good, solid, communicative, supportive relationship is that after which you seek, I am sure that you will find the person. You just might have to shop around some. Water seeks its own level. That's a basic law of physics. It's the same way with people.

When I was your age, I dated lots of girls. A person gets better at dating and in having and maintaining relationships the more that they practice pro-actively in doing so.

You can turn your scars into stars! The choice is yours!

Hopefully, others will also come along to address your post.

I don't think there's really a timeline. Everyone wrks through things at there own pace. Learn from the things you feel you did wrong in the relationship to make your next one that much better. In the mean time, focus on other things. School, work, hobbies, whatever. Anything to keep you busy, well, maybe not exactly anything. Any healthy activities.

I got dumped by my "first love" when I was 18-19 as well.. Part of me didn't want to let go.. Our relationship was bumpy as it was, we'd break up - get together all the time, it was very dramatic.. But then it sunk in that she wasn't coming back,and I began obsessing.. It took me about 6-7 months to actually realize what had happened.. and though I dated and slept with girls in the mean time, it never "officially" stopped bugging me until I fell in love again 3 years later. We remained friends in the mean time and when I saw her, we would talk.. and though in those 2.5 years (6 months after we broke up), I decided it was best we weren't together - it still bothered me a little bit.
After coming on here and receiving some insight - reading posts and advice.. I know it was three years wasted that I don't intend on wasting again.. The second time around (dumped again haha :P) My timeline of realization of the situation has been a lot briefer.. I'm on 37 days of No Contact, and I haven't seen her for a couple of months.. She still creeps into my head but that's normal and I just shrug it off.
To get to the point: The first time around I didn't want to let go.. it's all in our head..
I suffered.. I knew I was suffering and I gave myself up and thought I was powerless too it. Second time around I know I was just BSing myself..
We choose to go through that world of pain.. Obviously a break up will hurt anyone - but there comes a point where we decide if we want to take the easy road or the hard road.
Now that I've grown up I laugh at how pathetic I was the first time around.. and to be honest our relationship was pretty bad as it was... I still love the girl to bits we're great friends now but we just were NOT compatible on any level.
You may or may not see that.. but what's important now is you.

I am now friends with my ex-wife. After all of these years of divorce, she, my children and I see that there is no way that being together was going to work. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize that because our thinking can be so clouded by what is happening in the present time.

[QUOTE=Clough]I am now friends with my ex-wife. After all of these years of divorce, she, my children and I see that there is no way that being together was going to work. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize that because our thinking can be so clouded by what is happening in the present time.[/QUOT

Ive accepted that I will never be with her again, I would even say that I wouldn't take her back because I know it wouldn't be the same, just the fact that threw in the towel changes every thing. I opened up to her and trusted her not to hurt me, I wouldn't be able to trust her and she probably wouldn't be able to trust her own feelings. I miss what her and I had, but that's gone. That's why I'm so sick of just thinking the about past but its almost like I can't help it.

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That's why I'm so sick of just thinking the about past but its almost like I can't help it.

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The best way to bury old feelings and memories, is to make new ones. Be proactive in building a life that you enjoy, without her in it, and time does the rest. Every time those past memories come up, it's a signal to get busy, even if all you do is clean the nike's, or whatever you young guys wear. Click on the links in my signature, for some very good suggestions to help move on.

Hey I just wanted to thank you guys again, Im feeling so much better now, and I know its cause Ive been trying to follow the advice as much as I could.

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Originally Posted by jd12688

hey I just wanted to thank you guys again, Im feeling so much better now, and I know its cause Ive been trying to follow the advice as much as I could.

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That's really good to hear! Thank you for getting back to us! :)

Moving on is a process, and you have to promise yourself that you are truly ready to take that step. From what you have said, you are still in the stage where you are clinging to the 'what if's and the alternate happy endings. You have to accept that this is not going to get you anywhere. The relationship has ended for one reason or another, and no matter how much you want it, you will never get it back, and even if you did get back together, it would never be the same.

You must remember that an is an ex for a reason. And as for wanting a timeline, the only person who can give you that is yourself. People move on and get over these kind of things differently, some people instantly move on, some people take longer, but you can't look to someone else for the answers. All the answers you need are right there inside you, you just need to search for them, accept them, and only then will you be able to move on and remember the happy times you had without experiencing the regret.

This is so hard. I want to move on and make the pain go away, and stop worrying about what she's doing. Its like one minute Ill feel perfectly fine and it won't bother me, then Ill feel like I have a relapse and I feel terrible and I won't be able to get her out of my head.
I try hanging out with my friends as much as I can, the thing is I don't have that many anymore. Its ironic, she left me after 4 years to be independent and have more of a social lfe, and yet we when we first starting dating I had a great social life and lots of friends, but she would get jealous and say that I want to be around them instead of her so eventually I started spending all my time with her and in the process alienated most of my friends.

You mentioned something earlier about feeling better and following the advice that you have been given. Is that not working now?

At the time it seemed like it was.. I was feeling better, but like I said its like I have mood swings, one minute Im be fine and not worried about it, then it'll comeback and Ill get emotional, then it goes away, then it comes back.

Oftentimes, it can take a lot of time to get over someone that we really care about. We also really need to accept that it's over...

Please see the following thread. You might find some things that will be helpful to you there. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1057884

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we when we first starting dating I had a great social life and lots of friends, but she would get jealous and say that i want to be around them instead of her so eventually I started spending all my time with her and in the process alienated most of my friends.

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This is often the case after a long relationship. We lose ourselves by putting in a lot of time with someone. You must be very proactive in rebuilding your life without her with things and people you enjoy, and bring some balance back in your life. It's a challenge that many here go through, and achieve, but it requires a lot of work on your part.

I half expected a girl to ask a question like that... but not to do diss but kind of sounds like she was a player... and it sounds really sweet that you were in love with her and all but hunny I think she was just loving on you to not hurt your feeling,and in the possible case that none of that is true then maybe she just wasn't feeling the relationship anymore... hope this helps(doubt it did though)and don't.get upset over my answer I just say what I think and I kind of think that if your still stuck on a dead relationship then you sir are disturbed