First off, I would like to apologize for the length of this. There are a few issues I would like to get ALL out on the table. So I moved to a different state 3 years ago and met my husband. I was 20 at the time and on my little party verge. We dated for a few months.. mostly partied and all the sudden he wanted to have a kid with me. I told him HELL NO when I was sober. Just wasn't ready for that by any means. Well, apparently he desperately wanted a kid with me and when I was drunk... he would bring it up. I was an idiot and agreed to it. So boom! I was pregnant. Shortly after finding out the news.. he propsed and we got married... 9 months into the relationship. He conitined to drink and would promise me he would stop over and over and over again. If I had a dime for every time we had "the talk" I'd be filthy rich! Anyway.. most advice I had gotten online was "to give him another chance.. hes a new father!" He's NOT a new father. In fact he has a 9 year old daughter from the previous. AND he's almost 30 years old! I am just so confused as to why he would choose alcohol over his family. I gave it up completely! I told him a month into the marriage I was starting to "lose feelings" for him for filling my head with empty promises. I have lost so much love, respect, and trust in him. So, I sought getting professional help. He disagrees and doesn't want help... then all the sudden BOOM! He quits drinking? He quit for about 2 months and now he's slowly but surely going back on the booze. When he's drunk he will graphicly explain all the sexual encounters he had previous to me. Its so graphic I can tell you who has odd shaped nipples and who has a birthmark on their a$$. It truly sickens me to the point were I don't want to be sexual with him anymore. I feel so disrespected and degraded. In my head I want this to work for both of the kids. His daughter just loves me to pieces. But in my heart I feel this is not right. I should not feel like I don't LOVE HIM AT ALL!! I don't think its normal. Any advice would be much helpful as I am an open book!

Ps. I have tried sending him to AA he refuses after taking the classes from his 2nd DUI.
I have tried a spirtual route... with the church.
I have tried having previous alcholics talk to him about how their life was ruined by it
Im all out of answers at this point.

If he won't go with you for counseling, then you go alone. It's time you sort all this out and be able to spend your emotional life on positives.

First I will be a little rude, if you date and marry someone who is going to parties, and drinking and the such, why in the world do you think he will change when he gets married and has a child,? So you changed I will assume, he is still the person basically you were dating.

If you want a sober church going man, you find them in church, not in a bar or drinking at a party.

He will be just like he is, until he decides that HE wants to change, your asking or trying to make him will have no long term effect on him.

As for talking about prior sex, sounds like he has gotten tired of your relationship and most likely your fussing about his drinking and he is just picking something to get back at you with. ( childish but working)

So you can either decide that living with a drunk for the rest of your life is OK or you move on.

Whether you were drunk or not. YOU made the decision to get pregnant. Do not put all the blame on him. It was both of you. You both partied, you both drunk. It is both your responsibilities whether you guys were drunk or not.

You have a child with him and he has a child from a previous relationship. You need to seek out counseling for yourself, if he does not want to be a part of it. That is fine. Have you told him how you feel? If not, now is the time.

You can not change somebody but they need to change for themselves. You can not force that change on them. As far as telling you previous relationships , etc.. Details. I agree with Chuck on everything. Nit and pick and back and forth. Somebody needs to stop it.

So after counseling and making changes and if things start changing for the better then it is your choice to do whatever you think is best.

If it does not help, and you still want to make some series changes then you know what the best thing to do is.

Hi.. and thanks for the advice but I would just like to clarify a couple things... I understand it was my descion to have the child as well. I take full responsibility for that. And I have this whole time. I feel as if he had taken advantage of that. I completely understand drinking a lot was the wrong thing to do. I was young and I can promise you I am far more mature than other 22 year olds. I do not drink at all anymore. I have learned from my mistakes. Its part of life.

Before getting married I was "promised" a sober spouse. Which is why I thought he would change. HE PROMISED ME! When you love someone you trust them when they promise you things. Right?

I understand that I made these choices... Sometimes I don't understand why I did.. But I did. That's the harsh reality. I KNOW THIS! Not to be rude but, I am asking your advice.. not to tell me what is blantly obvious to me.

I don't think he is doing that to "get back at me" If he is than he is far more childish that I ever imagined. He is just a dirty man apparently as he would share these "amazing stories" with me BEFORE I ever spoke a word about his drinking!

And of course I have told him how Im feeling. I am not afraid to express myself. Bottling your feelings up does no good.

How does counseling work if you go alone? Your in a marriage.. aren't both partners supposed to try?

P.S. Wanting him to change for me is totally the WRONG reason! I have told him I want him to change for himself.. and that should be the only reason. Not cause his "nagging" wife told him too. I am not his mother. I understand the life of an alcohollic. My WHOLE family is! I know how the system works and I have seen families destroyed because of alcohol. Its sad and I don't want this!

We are all human, and sometimes promises are broken. Maybe not on purpose but does happen. I did give you advice. The advice was to seek out counsel. Do not make any rash decisions. Get into counseling. See if there are other approaches to this situation that you could try yourself and maybe the situation will improve. You will not find out until you try this. Not to be rude but I did give you advice. Detailed advice on what to do.

Counseling is normally last resort. Communication is important maybe there needs to be a change on how you communicate to him.

Counseling will give you the tools on how to handle different situations and even a different way of thinking and looking at the situations your in. New approaches on how to deal with these changes.

Remember to offer him marriage counseling before trying to go yourself. Give him the option of going or not.

If not, then that is fine then you go.

After your done, and if the situation does not improve you will need to end the marriage if you do not believe you can be in it anymore.

Sad, that he promised you he'd quit drinking. He is an alcoholic. He always will be. When and if he quits will have to be up to him. You get counselling for yourself so that your head is on as straight as possible.

If you grew up among alcoholics, it's normal to be attracted to one. When someone is addicted to alcohol, other people, and the promises made to them are of little consequence. Getting and staying drunk is the principle matter. Sorry to say, but then you already knew, alcohol is more important to him than either you, or the children. It will continue to dominate him for some time after he completely quits.

If you want to stick it out, go to Al-anon. Hang in there. If you want to leave, go to Al-anon. Hang in there. You did not escape from living with alcohol. You are not unscathed. It is a tenacious and deadly disease, one that neither of you asked for.

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Originally Posted by nikki1786

How does counseling work if you go alone? Your in a marriage.. arent both partners supposed to try??

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People want homeostasis. That means they don't like changes and want things to stay the same. If you go for counseling, you will begin to change how you think about things and how you interact with him. He, in turn, will also have to change in reaction to you. He might fight it, but he will have to change either for positive or for negative. Your changes will not allow him to remain the same. Your going into counseling will shake up what is normal and usual in your life with him.

The counselor, along the way, will invite him to a session. He might be willing to go. That might be the hook that gets him involved.

Cut and dry... DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR CHILD! To many people call it quits because "they're not happy". What about the children? Are they happy? Is he/she a good mother/father? You will have ups and downs and the easiest way is to get out. Trust me sweetie I've been there. My husband also drinks A LOT and wouldn't go to marriage counseling to save his life, but he is an excellent father and I didn't want to split them up. I made a few rules and compromises and now we're great. No drinking around or in front of the kids is one of them. So far it's worked for 2 years now with no signs of going away. I'm not saying that what we did will work for you, but it's a shot.

I finally gave him 4 choices. 1. Go to the dr. and see if he qualified for depression meds. (and just to clarify, depression does not always mean your unhappy or sad) 2. seek counseling on his own 3. seek counseling together or 4. call it quits but not until he had tried 2 out of 3. Once he saw I was serious and had given him 1 week to decided what to do, things flipped and changed.

I hope you all the best!