Ask Me Help Desk - I want my kids? But how?

I'm a mother of four beautiful children, three of them were not planned(birth control never worked!) The problem isn't that I don't love my children, I do more than anything! The problem is that I was 15 when I had my first and I thought keeping all of my babies was the "right thing to do" I thought about adoption and abortion, but never could bring myself to do either. Now that they're older I find myself overwhelmed and resentful. I feel like I am not doing any of them justice! I want the best for them and I feel like I am not providing that. I am only 24 years old! I haven't been able to start a career or even get a job for that matter daycare is just too expensive. I want to go to college and teach them to strive for better and be productive members of society, but how can I teach them that if I am not doing that! My little boy he is four, he is the most difficult of the bunch he has odd and adhd and serious behavior problems amongst other things. Basically he requires a lot of my time and energy. I am incapible of doing even minor things with him and no one will even babysit him for a few min. so I can run to the store with out disaster! My family's philosophy is "you had them so it's your problem" My Dad used to help a lot, but he died last year, joining my brother and sister in heaven. So I have virtually no help. Oh his father refuses to take him for any amount of time, but will take his 6 year old sister all the time. There are a lot of variables to this situation, so I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I don't know what to do I just know I have no fight left in me I need someone to take my children long enough for me to get a life set up for us and a better mental satus before I really mess them up or just give up on life all together! I am giving my eldest to my mother for a while, but he is not the problem, he is such a beautiful child, it's not fair to him he is always suffering because of my four year old. I just don't know what else to do. I want to give my boy to someone, but I am wondering if I will beable to get him back? That coupled with the fact I have been the only for sure thing in this baby's life. I don't really have a choice however, I cannot afford to take care of all of them. I don't know how I've managed this long. I just don't think I am doing him any good mentally either. I'm fed up with how he acts and how he is infrindging on the rest of my children, I loose my temper way to easy now a days and I find myself resenting him then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I do know something has to change and quick! Any advice?? Please!!

YOu may be able to qualify for respite care for you child.

Contact your local social services agencies, they should at least be able to get you in contact with some resources to help you.

The previous responder is correct. I did respite care for a while. I would go in and take care of the kids while the mom went to school or an AA meeting or a doctor appointment. It gave mom some time to take care of herself and run errands. In your case they may send 2 people to watch the kids. Also reach out to your church. If you don't attend, maybe this is a good time to start having a conversation with God about his plan for you and your children. I wish you the best and you are in my prayers

Quote:

Originally Posted by curlymom

The previous responder is correct. I did respite care for a while. I would go in and take care of the kids while the mom went to school or an AA meeting or a doctor appointment. It gave mom some time to take care of herself and run errands. In your case they may send 2 people to watch the kids. Also reach out to your church. If you don't attend, maybe this is a good time to start having a conversation with God about his plan for you and your children. I wish you the best and you are in my prayers

Well that was nice of you to respond, however I have tried every resource out there, including respite. Headstart (which I usually had to go get him from because even they could not handle him) my church has a fri. night parents fun night out/ kids fun night in and I also received a call from them to come and get him they couldn't handle him either. So usually I don't even bother anymore. I understand God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, but on the same token, I didn't make these babies by myself. So I still don't know. Respite care also doesn't solve all of the other problems I am facing, like providing a life for them!~

what do you mean by "providing a life for them"?

Have you had your son psychologically evaluated? Have you spoken to his pediatrician about courses of action to take regarding his ODD and ADHD?

As far as feeling angry and resentful---YOU need to adjust your thinking about it. I'm sure you wish you could be out having fun with friends, or have a free night occasionally when the kids' dad takes care of them... well, YOU need to make that happen. For one thing--how would you feel if you were 4, and your daddy spent time with your sister but not you? Would that make you feel loved?

You need to remember that your primary job is "mommy". I know you're frustrated, but are you also consistent with the rules in your household? If doing X means you'll be punished by Y, does that happen every single time X happens? Or is it different rules for different situations or different kids? Do you have a schedule in your household?

I know of one child that was really helped with her ADHD by taking martial arts. Perhaps you could look into that?

Did I mess where the kids dad or dads are? How much child support are you getting a month, if no, why?

If you are low income the kids should have complete medical coverage so you should be getting medication for your child.

You can take online college classes, and you can also see if there is support groups for families with children like yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

what do you mean by "providing a life for them"?

Have you had your son psychologically evaluated? Have you spoken to his pediatrician about courses of action to take regarding his ODD and ADHD?

As far as feeling angry and resentful---YOU need to adjust your thinking about it. I'm sure you wish you could be out having fun with friends, or have a free night occasionally when the kids' dad takes care of them...well, YOU need to make that happen. For one thing--how would you feel if you were 4, and your daddy spent time with your sister but not you? Would that make you feel loved?

You need to remember that your primary job is "mommy". I know you're frustrated, but are you also consistant with the rules in your household? If doing X means you'll be punished by Y, does that happen every single time X happens? Or is it different rules for different situations or different kids? Do you have a schedule in your household?

I know of one child that was really helped with her ADHD by taking martial arts. Perhaps you could look into that?

Of course I have had my son evaluated! I have taken every step you can imagine! This is why I am frustrsted. He is in therapy and on regular meds and sees his pediatrition regularly. My eldest son also has adhd, but not all the other problems Blaine has and my baby has a heart condition and severe problems with her lungs, so they all see the doctor quite frequently and various specialists. I also work with AWARE, kind of a family help advocate. I't is NOT that I want to go out with my friends and "HAVE FUN" I couldn't care less what people my age are doing their priorities are different than mine and we have nothing in common. Being Mommy is what I have always done! I have never left my children in the 9 years I have had them. I have always been devoted to them and only them. To answer your other question they have consistancy I have not been a mother this long not to have learned the importance of that! What I mean by providing a life is just that, Financial support etc. I cannot have a job because of the childcare expenses and Blaine being special needs also puts a damper all on that. I need to go to school and figure out a way to provide for these children. They deserve that. If I don'tshow them how to be productive members of society who is? I just need help for the temporary moment long enough to get our life staight. I have no time to do any of these things when I have them 24/7 it is virtually impossible. I CANNOT punish all my children the same way because they are all different. Blaine doesn't have as much control over some of his behaviors. He actually reguires the most time and "special" treatment. He is also slightly autistic. He cannot have a change in schedule at all with out a melt down. He can't have loud music, noise etc, He likes to where head phones to keep the noise lavel down he is picky about food, touch noise pretty much everything. So in lieu of wanting to make sure he has every possible chance at a normal life it seems my eldest is suffering because he is great and is pretty self sufficient and very helpful. I just don't think that is fair to him.He deserves to have more time to be loved on and just be a kid like sports or other activities that being in a special needs family prevents him from doing. These are the reasons I feel guilty because I am a one woman show. There are certain things I want to instill in my children teach them and just be a part of normal activities and such. I don't feel like they are getting all they deserve, from my lack of not being able to "do" everytthing. I'm wondering if you can understand this.

I am so sorry you are going through this and respect you for trying to see what else is out there for your children. Have you considered temporary foster care? You need to contact your local dhs office.

Where is the father to all 4 of your children? Do they have visitation? How much child support are you getting?

I am sure you qualify for financial aid so your education will be paid for by the government.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amess

I am so sorry you are going through this and respect you for trying to see what else is out there for your children. Have you considered temporary foster care? You need to contact your local dhs office.

Where is the father to all 4 of your children? Do they have visitation? How much child support are you getting?

I am sure you qualify for financial aid so your education will be paid for by the government.

Thank you for your post. Yes I have thought about temp faoster care, but I AM DEATHLY AFRAID of what that will do to my children or if I will even be able to get them back. I don't know how that stuff works. I wouldn't want to put all of them in it though. Ecspecially since the baby is so young I wouldn't want her to lose the bond we have because this definitely wouldn't be permanent.
Well I had cam when I was 15 and I caught his father doing drugs around him when he was like 2mo. Old so I said he couldn't take him anymore. He moved to another town and I didn't see him again. He has however, started paying child support of $365/a mo. When he is working. Lilly and Blaines Father lives in another state and is willing and has taken Lilly, but refuses to take his son because that would just be too hard for him. I have never kept anyone of there fathers away from them except for that time when Cam's dad was indangering my child. I have been in contact with him since, but still no relationship. Cam has never officially met the man. As far as I'm concerned he is a stranger to us. I haven't seen him in almost 9 years. My youngest, Nytalia, her Father is around (sort of) and he helps tremndously. He is 7 hours away and works for the union and travels a lot. He is the reason I have made it this far. He pays for most all of her stuff and helps me with the other children's bills and stuff they need, but he is getting tierd of it that's clear. He is struggling to over come a really bad divorce and can't afford to be helping me like he has. I'm surprised he did it this long. As far as the actual parenting part goes I do that all on my own. Occasionally Joel (nytalia's father) will take her for a few hours, when he is not working and is in town, and Cam too because he is pretty found of him. Other than that he can't handle Blaine either so having any kind of relationship with Joel has been virtually impossible. I love the man a lot, but my kids had to come first. Problem is how do you make that work when you can't work or take care of your family and you constantly have to rely on other people. That is a terrifying feeling.