Hi folks,
Well, I am new to this. But I am desperate and don't know where else to turn. To start, I will give you guys a brief description on my situation. I'm a lesbian. And I was dating this girl for about 2 and a half years. We were completely in love. But seeing as how I was the first girl she has ever been with, and she had only one boyfriend prior to me, she was a bit unsure about dating girls. But nonetheless, we dated for 2 and a half years. We loved each other. And then she dumped me. Her reason was that she had to figure out this "guys" issue. And wasn't sure if she could commit to a girl seeing as how she had only been with one loser of a guy before. She told me constantly that I was perfect for her, and that there was nothing wrong with me. But had to work things out. One month later, she started dating another woman! A woman from work that I have actually met. When I asked her about the whole thing, she told me that this new woman had "changed her mind". And when I asked her about the issues she had about guys, she said nothing. She says that this new woman had nothing to do with us breaking up. Even though she started hanging out with her immediately after we broke up. Needless to say, I was heart broken. And part of me still is. Its been 3 months since the break up. And she is still dating this woman. I desperately want her back. And I think I have done all the wrong things to try to get her back. I've told her how I felt. Told her things would be different with us another time around. And that I loved her. And told her that she was the one for me. Despite how much hurt she has brought me. And all I got from her was the stuff that I left at her house. And that she can't give us another chance since she is with this other woman. I don't know what to do anymore. People tell me to get over her. But how can I get over her, when I think she is the one for me? I am welcome to any advice. On how to get her back, or anything else. Otherwise, thank you for reading. Take care.
Pauline

Hi Pauline...

Ughhhhhhhh - been there, done that.

It sucks... because all that movie crap: "i've told her how i felt. told her things would be different with us another time around. and that i loved her. and told her that she was the one for me" - NEVER WORKS.

You did a lot of damage with that.

All I can say is... the only way she comes back is through TIME. She won't come back tomorrow no matter what.

You have to give her time with this other women. You have to.

1. You have to leave her alone. No contact. I'd say AT LEAST 2 months. Nothing. You have to. Make her wonder about you. Don't call, don't return calls, no stalking, no running into her, no text, no e-mails.

2. Work on yourself. Also, learn about other things in life. When you put so much importance in ONE person, make them your world, pedestal, etc. - the huge hurt and heartache happens.

3. Date! Date! Date! - casual dates and if she knows your dating, she may wonder.

Me also thinks she was seeing this women while you were still technically together. No question. People just don't start dating like that. The guy thing was a good excuse. Maybe you might see her in a different light.

See - people WANT what they can't have. When you are desperate and needy for someone - they RUN!!

4. After 3 months, you can call her, but as a friend, ask to meet for coffee "to catch up" on things. You CAN NOT act like you are still interested. Slowly over months of slow interacting you can slow work your way back in.

5. You have to make her miss you. This other gal will screw up - more than likely they will not stay together. The newness will wear off.

Win back is possible.

THE KEY: Figure out WHAT pushed her away...

Were you TOO needy and clingy in the end??

Way too possesive of her?? (Yes)

Was there break in respect and trust in the relationship?? (Yes) Without respect and trust you have nothing.

Where there a lot of fights??

Jealousy??

Any abuse or cheating?? If so - move on.

Hey wildcat,
Thanks for your response. You know, I realize I did the wrong things. I did everything that I was not supposed to do. But of course, I didn't realize it until after the fact.
And yes, I know. That time is what we need. The thing is, I know this. But on the other hand, I keep thinking that if I give her this time, then she will just get more involved with this new woman. And then will I have missed my chance to get back together with her?
Did I put her on a pedestal? Yes, I did. And I know now that I somehow lost a part of who I was. I find myself being a different person now. I am more involved with my friends lives. And I wish I hadn't lost that part of me while I was dating her.
And my ex insists that this new woman had nothing to do with us breaking up. And that things "just happened" with her and this new woman. I would hate to think that she has been lying to me. The only thing I can think of, is that this other woman had feelings for her while she was still dating me. And then my ex just let it happen after we broke up. But who knows.
And its not that I want what I can't have. Its not that at all. Because believe me, I have asked myself every one of those questions since the break up. And since I wanted her back. But its not that I want just any relationship. Or I want that comfort level back. I want her. And even though she has done these horrible things to me, I still want her back. Because I still love her. And I do believe that we were right for each other.
As for your questions, I was not possesive of her. I let her be what she wanted. And supported her through anything and everything. Yes, near the end, there were more fights. But over stupid little things. One of the big things in the end, was that I wanted to commit to her. But she couldn't. So maybe I did push in that way. But what else am I to do? I wanted to marry this girl. Should I have not told her that? Should I not tell someone I love that I do love them? There was no cheating. Or abuse. We were a great match. But at the time, she just couldn't commit. And the fact that she thought that her parents would completely disown her was another issue. Although, I hung out with her parents often. We got along just fine. They just didn't know that I was dating their daughter. But they loved me. So I don't know what to do. As for now, I AM giving her time. I am not texting, calling or responding to her. And I am going crazy while I am at it. And I have tried going on some dates. But I just can't help but think of my ex. I am still in love with her. And I don't know how I am supposed to just shut off my feelings for her. Well, that's my response. I know I sound desperate. But that's probably what I am right now. Thanks again for reading. Much appreciated.
Pauline

No matter what our sexual orientation the pain of breaking up with someone we care about deeply is always there. There is no one or perhaps there is no answer. We can not "make" someone do exactly what we say or want. Some people have trouble committing, perhaps she was getting too close and wanted distance? Perhaps as many who have a long relationship with a first love, she wanted to see what the grass on the other side of the fence was like.

After 3 months one has to consider that she is gone and we have to start trying to rebuild our lives and go on.

Sorry no magic love pills, if I did I would be rich from any and all genders.

Wildcat once again shows his genius...

Id rep you but I can't yet

I agree with Wildcat, but I think you just have to accept that you've been dumped and have to move on.

Perhaps the question you want to ask yourself is "Is it worthwhile for me to spend all this time and energy pursuing this one person, when I can be free to check out everyone else?"

Right now it's not worth the time and energy to pursue her one bit. You need to work on yourself. Make yourself better. Again its - hanging with your friends again, family, work harder at work/school, WORKOUT (key!), hobbies/new hobbies, religion (if you are religious), go out and do stuff every day! Work on your home - change things up at home... try something new.

There was a great article yesterday at Yahoo in the relationship section about love stories in the movies AND how repulsive those same actions are in REAL life... the writitng of a love letter, telling someone how you feel, doing something drastic, writitng poetry for them, writitng a love song, begging, saying you will change... all NEVER work and are very creepy. Very creepy. Repulsive - pushes them away.

You need to SHOW that your life is great with them or without them. They should NEVER see/hear you being all sad and weepy about the break.

3 months is not a long time, especially for women.

THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE A BREAK, AND EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS IS:

You say - "Ok, that's fine, I want you to be happy, that wasn't so hard was it" They will see you in a different light. And then move on. Don't contact them for at least two months. It might be hard, BUT it's what you have to do. No begging works, no convincing works, no saying you will lchange works.

When you act indifferent to the break up you change things completely in their head. Completely.

Pleading, begging, trying to change their mind... NEVER WORKS. Telling them how YOU feel never works!! NEVER. It's how they FEEL is all that matters and YOU did something to push them away.

Figure out what you did to push them away!! Big key. Fix it... one day you can SHOW them you fixed it.

Usually its you come across as desperate, needy, clingy, jealous, possesvie... not good ways to handle a relationship. EVEN though you feel that way inside... you have to have the DISCIPLINE NOT show this on the outside - never.

Pauline: check out the fre articles at this site - they will help you: www.lovetactics.com

Oh yeah... couple things to work on...

1. Confidence... people are attracted to confident people - I increased my confidence to a huge degre by working out and changing my thinking process - LEARNING about women, not guessing.

2. Learn to build barriers and TESTS with people... don't fall too soon, don't get too close.

3. NEVER put someone on a pedestal. We all have faults. No one is perfect. It's too much pressure on the other person. You other needs to EARN the right to be your equal - always - earn, meaning over many months.

4. They are part of your life, NOT your life. Work, friends, family, hobbies etc. are just as important.

5. NEVER completely surrender to that person... ever... there always has to be some mystery to you... even if its just going out with your friends once a week without them. When you completely surrender, game over... you push them away. You need many other things in life - never give up your friends.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE!! ALWAYS AND FOREVER

First off, I would like to thank all of you for your replies. I do appreciate all that was said. And I would like to tell you kind folks that there is always more to an issue than what can be said in a little box.
I know everyone keeps telling me that these things they do in movies are just pushing people away. But why is that? No one ever explains that to me. They just say, oh well if you do all of these things, it will push them even further away. But why is that? If you love someone, why not tell them? Why does someone telling you that they love you want to pull away from them? Why does getting a love letter from someone make you want to pull away from them? I could be completely ignorant when it comes to all of this. Or I could just be trying to live out a movie life. But I just don't understand it.
What I do understand is that I did need a change in myself. I lost who I was. And am starting to find out who I am now. Its just too bad that I didn't realize all of this before we broke up. We may have had a happy life together. But thank you all for your advice. It will be taken to heart.
Oh and you know, another question I had was this. I recently found out that my ex went to las vegas with her new girlfriend for the weekend. What I don't understand, is what she is doing with this new girl? If this is a rebound relationship, then why is she trying to move so quickly? What's even worse, is that I went to vegas with her just last June. And then she starts dating this other woman, and after 2 months of dating, they go on a trip to vegas? I just don't understand this. And I know I shouldn't know. But I found out. I have not confronted her about it. Because I know it would just make me upset. But why would she do this? Someone told me that she is just trying to get back that comfort level she had with me. Is this true? I just wish I could understand all of this. Thanks again for reading.
Pauline

My official reason on why showing a person your true love...

They want excitement. Its been said before that they want mystery. I am going to have to work on that if you read my post from today. It hurts. I would definitely work on Wildcats advice but you should remember that you do love her and to not let it make you angry. Although I know I will have trouble giving up my own relationship, I feel it has been quite long enough for you to try to forget her (It sounds impossible to me too).

Lastly, think about how much you want her, especially since she doesn't want you. That is the feeling that you need to give to her. The one that knows they love the other needs to play the part of mystery, always on the edge. I personally feel it is a crock of **** also and wish my girl could remember how much she loves me.

"but why is that? no one ever explains that to me"

Again... as I tell everyone... "People want what they can't have"

You can NEVER completely surrender to someone.

She had you completely... there was no mystery or magic left. You were needy. Maybe jealous. Maybe possesive - very bad traits.

And you even stated you gave up part or almost ALL of your other life for her. Not good. Not good.

People want to feel free and when you are possesive and put them on a pedestal they feel trapped.

Whe nthey break with you they have in their mind that they are leaving. They have their decision made. When begging, stress undying love, and do anything for them, promise change, etc. - all you is cement their feelings - they knew they were right - those were the reaons they were leaving.

I bet you shared your feelings WAY too much... undying love... you have to learn to do this less... keep them guessing... puppy/undying love is high schoolers.

Painfully true wildcat.

More painfull than anything.
If only women could respect the fact that we are willing to give them ourselves rather then resenting it. I did it, I gave up a lot, but I knew it was worth every second. Even when we fought and such. I have no misconceptions that I will meet another girl, but yet the pain and heartbreak of losing someone you gave everything to still hurts. And we think telling you will make you understand that all the things we do, like puppy love, is because that is how we are. It is the person they had chosen. I guess if we all just said **** it and moved on at the drop of a hat many relationships would end prematurelly.

Eitherway, love like its forever. Because this is what you get. In my world I am dead after I die, no other chances. That is why when I know I love her I tell her. No games, my life has no room for petty BS. And you say the puppy love is for high schoolers, the leave me, love me crap is even worse.

I pull yor hair you like me? That is petty crap and if women can't respect a man that is a 'good guy' they should burn. We love you ladies and its not our fault we are broken when the women we love resent our love.

So I guess we play the game eh?

Hi folks,
Thank you again for taking the time to read my story. Am in denial? About what? About me wanting her back? Thinking that she is the one for me? I just might be. To update people on a few things. My ex called me this week. And she wanted to let me know that she had found something of mine in her room. And what was odd about the conversation was that she started telling me about this new medication she is going to be taking. She has colitus. And thought that I should know that she is getting these new meds. So, why tell me this? In my opinion, this is something you tell your friends. Or even your new girlfriend. But not your ex that you don't even talk to anymore. My question for you guys is this. Is she calling me out of pity? Just checking to make sure I am OK so that she can feel OK about what she has done to me? Or is this her clining on to me? And just keeping me on a little string to keep me nearby? The thing is, I will never know the answer to this. Because even if I ask her, she probably doesn't even know the answer. I guess time will tell. Thank you again for your time and listening.
Pauline

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lillypyh

hi folks,
thank you again for takin the time to read my story. am in denial? about what? about me wanting her back? thinking that she is the one for me? i just might be. to update people on a few things. my ex called me this week. and she wanted to let me know that she had found something of mine in her room. and what was odd about the conversation was that she started telling me about this new medication she is going to be taking. she has colitus. and thought that i should know that she is getting these new meds. so, why tell me this? in my opinion, this is something you tell your friends. or even your new girlfriend. but not your ex that you dont even talk to anymore. my question for you guys is this. is she calling me out of pity? just checkin to make sure i am ok so that she can feel ok about what she has done to me? or is this her clining on to me? and just keeping me on a little string to keep me nearby? the thing is, i will never know the answer to this. because even if i ask her, she probably doesnt even know the answer. i guess time will tell. thank you again for your time and listening.
pauline

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My friend, you can't make sense out of nonsense. She is confused about her life. She may need you for the wrong reasons. I would stay away and not talk/see her she needs to move on. She maybe testing you. She may need to know if you care or not. This will make her fell better about herself and has nothing to do with you. She is selfish. Good luck and just take care of number one. You...

"If only women could respect the fact that we are willing to give them ourselves rather then resenting it." - only works in the movies.

Lillypyh - I kind of wish you had NOT spoken with her... no contact MEANS - no contact... another opportunity LOST. I know it doesn't make sense. BUT, you should have left her hanging... she WOULD have wondered about you... start MISSING you... you need to give her the gift of missing you - and you haven't - she still thinks she has you and could come back anytime (she wont). This isn't a game... you need to act like you moved on and that she's on your pay-no-mind list. You don't want to be her friend right now do you?? And mean that she would never be your gal.

I mean you go rushing to answer the phone and there is no mystery. Boring. Especially after all the movie stuff you tried.

Hey wildcat,
I just wanted to let you know that I did try to not talk to her. I even had to avoid picking up my work phone in order to not talk to her. (I don't have caller id at work) and I even heard my phone ring a few times without them leaving a message. And she called my cell once without leaving a message. And then called again 30 min later but left a message. And I didn't even bother checking the message. But then she called my house an hour later. And no one ever calls me on my house phone, but my mother picked it up. And sure enough it was her. And she wouldn't even give me a chance to say I got to go because she just kept talking. So believe me, I avoided her calls. I know what no contact means. And I kept my word on it. But she tricked me and found a way to get a hold of me. At the end, I did tell her that I needed to go and then hung up. What's odd, is the message she left on my cell phone was what she told me over the phone. So again, she just makes me wonder about it all. Why leave me a message, and then call me to tell me the same thing? I get more confused each time I speak to her. So I know that I can't talk to her. And I don't plan on it. I just wanted to let you know. Thanks.
Pauline

That's interesting that she would go to all that trouble. I kind of took it you rushed to the phone.

It's interesting. Be busy. Try to avoid her for a while.

Oh, yeah... it could signal there is something wrong in the current relationship. Honeymoon being over.

You need to get your power back with this gal.

Thanks wildcat. And I am trying to get my power back. But then it also seems like she has the power. Because SHE can call me whenever SHE likes. But that's going to change now. I am not going to pick up. I just wish I didn't miss her so much. I wish everything didn't remind me of her. And I wish I could just stop thinking about her for one second. But thank you again for your advice.
Oh and I do hope that their little honeymoon is over. Although I doubt it. You know what else though? When my ex does call me, its always in times where she has a few minutes to speak. Either she is driving somewhere, or she is on a break or on lunch, I hate that she just fits me into these little time intervals and then SHE has to leave. But again, that's going to change from now on. Thanks again.
Pauline

Only thing that heals that is time sorry to say. That's another reason for no contact.