And not wanting what I already have... wanting it when I lose it... and letting meaningful relationships slip through my fingers...

HELP. How do I fix this??
I've let 9s and 10s slip through my fingers and ones I really loved move on because I was apprehensive to settling down

I apologize that this is a bit of a rant and there's scattered questions... I'm kind of scatterbrained with everything I've got going on with my breakup...
I wasn't the best partner in the world. I really liked her. I obsess about her now. I broke up with her and then realized I messed up. I went through months of heartache - exhausting work, hardest work in the world, and finally got her back. Then things weren't going so well -there was some distance. I didn't let her move in and marry me right away I think is the real issue. It was only a 2 year relationship. And she broke up with me... now I heartache again and I'm going through the pain of loss right now. Abandonment, jealousy, lonliness, hate, despair, grief, all rolled into 1. I groveled to get her back and promised her EVERYTHING including rings and marriage and all (stupid I know). That is what she wanted just months ago... Hell, even two weeks ago, we went on a date and I think she was waiting for me to pop the question... I didn't -but I was really thinking about it... she was down to go out to dinner and even stay a night at a hotel. We didn't do the hotel thing because I was a little pushy on kissing her and the date ended prematurely. I IMd her at work too much and Now she won't return my calls or texts and blocked me on AIM and it's a real blow. She says she wants to avoid all contact. I guess my question is-- Can someone love you so incredibly much but because you don't offer commitment to them, block you out completely? I mean I would have married this girl if she would have waited. But she needed it NOW and has been pressuring me to move in since week 2 that I knew her. When we split, she moved in with a guy. And now, after this breakup, she's moving in with some other guy. I guess I just don't get love. I think sometimes I loved her for her but she loved me for what I had to offer. I loved her (and obsess now) but she saw that I was stable, successful, could provide money and a house. Are all girls like this? I know she sounds like a B and I sound like an idiot for getting involved with her and everyone tells me I should RUN... but I fell for her hard for some reason. I know I sound stupid too when I say this but I think guys can be the recipient of emotional abuse too. After she broke up with me, I got blamed for everything, and she never ever apologized for anything, the relationship failed because of me,every nice thing I ever did was for bad intentions, every bad thing was blown way out of proportion, every extremely considerate thing was rejected. I try to listen to her feelings but she doesn't give a crap about mine. When she complains about me I say sorry, but when I complain about her she's like "im done i dont want to talk to you anymore, and hangs up." she's really vindictive and mean and I hate it!! I even gave her money because she said she was sill paying off the debt to come visit me when I was away. I'm a sucker and I got manipulated. She's a drama queen and I got played I'm so frustrated but I'm still sooo drawn to trying to get her back. I'm stuck in a rut, dealing with jealousy depression and ocd. I've never written so many letters, love and hate, that I never send but vent my thoughts... I'm so aggravated and yet so upset. I feel like I'm going nuts and I have so little game to pick up new chicks. I'm a pathetic mess for a dood right now. :(

I learned about getting a girl back the first time you can't talk about the relationship you can only basically talk about casual things and validate all of her arguments . All of her gripes you have to say, you know you were right. You're right to feel that way and here's a solution. They run out of complaints and start telling you how much that they *hate* you because they still really like you. I just can't talk to her now to pull that off...


I guess I always look back and I need to start looking foreword. Did I dodge a bullet? I'm totally going to get flamed, I know because my storys so wack- eh.

She was the type who falls in love every week and wants to move in right away. You, on the other hand like to take things slow and deliberate. I think you dodged the bullet with this one as she was way ahead of you in the relationship and was not interested in waiting for you to catch up to her. That's why she immediately moved in with other guys. It's her thing.

You, on the otherhand need to find a girl who is not so quick to want to move in with you and shack up right away. Those type of girls are too fast for you. You need to cultivate a relationship and if the girl is not willing to do this, then it is HER loss. Keep looking honey. There are more fish in the sea - you just have to catch the right one for you.

Can I tell her we got along fine 2 weeks ago and we spent 2 years involved with each other... what happened? No of course not! She's making me out to be creepy and its not like that!! How come she insists on making sure I pay for it? She says stuff like You're not listening to me, I don't want to hang out, I don't want to talk anymore, I'm done with everything. You need to stop contacting me all together, you keep saying we need to hang out, but no we don't I've moved on in my life and I don't need to feel uncomfortable anymore. Just reading this email made me feel uncomfortable and like you are smothering me.--- I feel like an A$ $ and I'm not a creepy stalker or anything. I'm backing off but that's coming from someone that was sooo in love with me and I just don't get it. I get the message though and I'm not talking to her but seriously W TF!! How could you be like this? Could I let her know that there is no coming back and that she's passing this opportnity up for good? But I'm sure its not good for me. Aarg I never let her move in because I was afraid that was the only thing she loved about me. IS THAT STUPID OF ME??

Deep breaths. More deep breaths. Feeling calm now? Good. Keep doing that.

You want to find some peace here, and I bet you believe that peace will come from "understanding her thinking" through all this and figuring out some way that she "realizes what she's given up"... sound about right? Ok.

That's not going to work. Worse, it wastes so much of your energy on something that won't change in any way once you toss all the extra mental anguish at it. In the end, she'll still be gone, she still won't like you or accept any blame, and you'll be frustrated because deep down you know she's responsible for a lot of went wrong with you two and she won't admit it... UGH!

<Phew> Ok. Now we're ready to start over.

Dude, the reason people do the "no contact" thing after a hard break up is to avoid all the futile negative stresses you're experiencing right now. Every single phone call, text message, voice message, ANY contact with her rips open the scabs completely and leaves you bleeding and shaking with frustration. Doesn't it? Doesn't IT?

You have got to find the strength to put FEET on the reality that exists between you two... your are broken up. Now go to your separate corner and DO NOT LET anything with her influence on it back in... least of all her voice or even herself. It's not going to work. You can't win, you can't get closure that way.

The feelings you have for her aren't gone making it all the worse. You have to man up and shut this thing down by the strength of your mind and your spine. Do it. Make the breakup real, go NC. (no contact)

Since you love(d) so deeply, keep in mind that means you CAN. That means as soon as your heart is given the opportunity to start pining after someone new, it might happen. But only if you force those situations to occur. You must get back out there. Date up a storm. Relax the strings of what you need and just have some fun... lots of fun. Distract your mind and enjoy your days.

You'll always feel things for this girl, but this breakup will always hurt when you think about it. You need to get your life going again so the # of times you think about it start to diminish.

Good luck, dude. You can do it.

If you asked me, like you said, you dodged a bullet...
This girl seems completely inappropriate for you.. You can't be pressured into a decision like that, and because you can't give it to her she's already replaced you?
This girl has issues, and it's not your fault - but I understand where you're coming from.. I was in a relationship where much like you I felt constantly emotionally abused. I would always put my pride down, I would always put more effort into our relationship than she would, I would back down from arguments.. If things weren't going well I would do everything in my power to patch things up for us, so we didn't go to sleep angry at each other.. She treated me like s * * t. But I loved her. It's sick and it's twisted but it happens.. the irony is that she left me.. it wasn't supposed to happen that way - but it did :)
The good news?
I still miss her a lot. But I know she wasn't doing me any good - and you will find that out too in due time. It always takes two to tango, though in this case she should shoulder most of the blame. But this shouldn't matter. What you should do is detach yourself from this crazy moment you are in. Where everything doesn't seem real anymore. Nothing makes sense. Two weeks ago things were white with this girl now they are black. The world has turned on its back e.t.c e.t.c. I know - I've been there, as many others have before you and I. Don't torture your heart and your mind. Take a step back from all of this crazyness, and reflect on yourself.
Things will get better, and like JBeaucaire mentioned, NC is the first step. Don't break it. Let her be - and if and when she returns, be strong. You don't need this type of girl in your life. Especially for the rest of your life.

By the way to add to that.
I recall times when I was with her when she treated me the way she did.. and I would think to myself "should I end things..?...I deserve so much better than this..." and I never did. When she left me I was on my knees begging her to come back to me..
So don't feel bad. Now that the emotion is gone I can see that in the long run this will be for the best. Always think of the long run.
Good luck

Everyone makes a lot a sense and I agree and appreciate everyone's input. I wish that the person I loved was as rational and understanding as any of you. I feel compelled, as always, to justify her end of the story because I'm a fair person. Of course she would never do the same for me, period. She was always very judgemental and once her mind was made up, that's the way it stayed. A very cold and stubborn person. But I also tell her side so I can further justify my own past decisions.
When we met she immediately knew all my friends and family, better than I did in many cases. My dad got a christmas card that said "here's to many more christmas's to come" and he was weirded out by it. I felt weird when she was talking to all my friends and a sense of, almost invasion, set in... she had a fire at her parent's house and "needed some place to stay." being that I had only just met this person 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't let her. And it worked out okay... she found a place with her parents in a nice area. I ended up staying with her a lot though and probably took advantage of the fact that she lived near my work. So I took advantage of her I think... we lived together and had a great time, with a very physical relationship, one that I'm still drawn to sadly, but I was always very hesitant to live with her. I think its possible that she did certain things sexually so that it would keep me around for good.
Well then came the big blow--- I ended up getting the job of a lifetime but in another state. I moved from ca to nv but I didn't bring her along. Why, I don't know. If she got a place next door to me I would have been delighted but I didn't want to live with this person. I think living with her anywhere was just rushing things and I also think that you're right- I wanted to be slow and deliberate. So every weekend I would see her or she would come see me and it was planned that she would eventually move to be with me. When I completed the entrance level to this new position, she thought I was going to propose to her. WHAT A RUSH! I'm sorry for putting this girls hopes and dreams off for a bit but dang I just want some time for us to develop. I ended up breaking up with her soon after that, further destroying her hopes for me and it tears me apart that I would do that to her because I know she really loved me and it was hard on her. I'm so sad because I'm sure she was devastated. I'm so very regretful for being mean but it was because I was being pushed to marry her or else... and she became very impatient with me and suddenly I went through the first round of groveling and begging for her back. Saying... 'i made a mistake.' by that point, only two months later, she was dating someone new. She wouldn't leave him for me. Wel suddenly there came a day where I was confident and I could talk to her plainly and I told her that I was doing very well and that she was right to feel the way she did and that she was right about a lot of things. She ended up breaking up with him and came back to me, but only after it wasn't going very well for them... nonetheless, I was delighted, to say the least, and I took things very slow and let her make all the first moves. We had an amazing first encounter, one so desperatly needed at the time. Well then things didn't change for her, she thought I was going to marry her and live with her, things I told her I would do, eventually do, but it didn't happen soon enough and I upset her. I don't think she wanted to go through anymore delays. She suddenly got kicked out of her house and had to go somewhere. Again I wasn't there for her and she moved in with her female friend. Everything was always very dramatic and I had to rescue her. Maybe I was at fault again for not being more open. A month later I started asking her when she could move in with me and she said she was no longer interested...
So that brings us to today, 2 months after she broke up with me, 2 weeks after a really nice date with her however, but I was too pushy with all the text messages and now I'm still am crazy about her.
Its not much of a relationship and the fact that I probably wronged her in many ways by not letting her live with me, ruined things. I think in the end, our relationship was danmed because as much as I could have given in to letting her live with me, I needed to know that she was right for me first, slowly, before letting her quit her job and moving to a new state and housing with her. Maybe that sounds chicken $hit but I wanted it to be slower and to love her completely before we moved in together. Like I said if she lived next door we would see each other everyday and it would have been wonderful. Maybe I'm an a$$. I asked her one time if she would move out here and get a place of her own and she scoffed...
Recently, as a last ditch effort I put everything on the line and said I would give her the ring and the promise... well, only to be shut down.
Was I wrong? I very well could have been. I just want to justify the way I felt... its messed up and I know that if I were on the answering side of this I would say I dodged a bullet and I there's much greener grass... I should start a another New and Fresh relationship but I still miss her... :( I second guess myself all the time and mind f everything...

So there... a good explanation of why I couldn't commit to her sooner... I take important things like marriage slow. As I think it should be taken. Should I send her an email telling her why and that if she was willing to wait just a few more months we could both have done it and despite the bumpy road I have always loved her..? Because that's the truth and she doesn't see it that way. She sees it as me breaking promises and trust problems

I am willing to reason but she does not. I am willing to talk about our issues but she says goodbye

Can I just send her the link to this thread? It will resolve evrything

Im 100% against linking her to this thread.. You two obviously have compatibility issues.. You both want different things at this moment in your life.. Your logic does not coincide with hers.. You have a forum of people agreeing with your perspective, and Im sure if she came on and told her story, she would have her group of supporters as well.
I've found in most situations where I try to use logical points in an argument with someone who is stubborn and who has her own opinion, it would only make them angrier because I would be insisting constantly and doubting her "beliefs". The "mistake" you feel guilty about is not rushing into moving in with her and getting married when you weren't sure... Dude, that's not a mistake... Maybe you shouldn't have dumped her the first time. But I believe you should have taken that first time as a hint towards what it is that's coming your way. She wants "x" things. You want "y" things... The only reason you want to marry her now is because you lost her. You're wrong in promising her anything now-I'm sure deep down inside you know yourself that if you two were together you would have probably come on these forums to post about feeling pressured by this girl who wants marriage e.t.c e.t.c. She knew what you wanted, you knew what she wanted - it just can't work if they are different things.
Can't you see that this girl has a pattern of rushing into things?
She wanted to live with you within 3 weeks. Scenarios kept coming up where she would get a chance to move in..
Let her go.

I will do just that- let her go. And no looking back. - thank you for putting time and effort into helping me. You are a commendable person for not even knowing me and putting so much time, and typing so much, to help a stranger. Pretty cool of everyone here. Some good people...

We're all on the same boat.
So when you have your moments of weakness just vent on these forums and someone'll help you out :]
Or share what you've learned from your experience to others seeking advice.. I came on here a "victim of love" -much like you.. and I stuck around.. tried to share what I learned from love, and I try to follow my own advice.. We're all human and we all make mistakes after all.

Look I know nc is a good thing but had I went nc a while back I would have lost her the first time... I worked hard and restored our relationship. At least for a little while...

I was going to write one last throw in the towel email...

Can I write this to her? Venting people... I will edit it for pushyness- but is it OK??
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I'm listening to you and I'm stopping
I'm not going to try and convince you and I certainly don't intent to change your mind. But before you let me go, I just should let you know why I didn't commit to you sooner…
I always had plans on living with you. But I wasn't ready.
Understand for a minute that I take these things really slow and all of my moves are deliberate. I needed time to make our relationship grow. Perhaps it was taking too long… But when you broke up with me, it was still too premature for us to live together. It was only about 4 months. I was going to marry you yes. Unfortunately I didn't give you a time and date because I wanted us to grow first. Unfortunately the distance thing was horrible for us and it saddened me on a daily basis as much as you. I wanted to see you everyday, wake up with you every morning. And I would have loved being with you everyday but I'm not the type that wanted to move in with each other right away. I'm sorry but timing was horrible for me. The only reason I would have continued to be your boyfriend when I moved to Vegas was because I wanted a future with you. I always wanted a future with you. And just like I told you, it was going to happen but our relationship needed time.
I did invest in a ring and I wanted to give it to you for several months now but I needed to make sure it was going to be right. The reason I've been sounding so desperate and pathetic lately is because I WAS asking you to marry me. I actually have a ring I wanted to give you. I even had it with me on several occasions when I was with you as early as when you stayed with me at red rock. I was waiting for the right moment. And so seeing you leave at that moment where I asked you to live with me and make things happen was the absolute wrong timing for it to happen. I was going to hold on to it for a while and things were going to happen in stages… finish school, spend a lot more time with EXNAME, ask EXNAME to live together, look at houses together, buy a house, live with you, ask for you to be my fiancé, give it a little time and marry you. And I was honestly shooting for our anniversary to live with you. But for me, things needed to happen in stages... and I didn't want to rush anything because IMPORTANT things to me need to be done right.
So there it is. I was going to give you a house, a ring, a lasting promise, and my undying love. I needed time and that's just what I don't have anymore. I miss my best friend and wish you would understand that I am slow and deliberate in making IMPORTANT relationships work. I had a path for us and should have been more obvious in my intentions, but I was following my instinct, loving you always, making sure that we would be financially secure, comfortably housed, happily married and on our way to living a great life.
I really wanted us to work out ever since I met you and we've had some big setbacks. My first step would be to be more open with my intentions and to inform: this is when I think we will live together… this is when I think we should get married….
In the end I LOVED YOU and I always planned on being with you forever, giving you my entire heart, and giving you everything I could… to be a good partner, friend, companion, workout partner, beach buddy, lover, confidant, helping hand, husband, and soul mate and everything else you ever need me to be. I miss you and my family misses you.

I didn't communicate my roadmap to you and I am forever sorry.

Do me a favor a read this email a few months later when the smoke has cleared and you arnt so irritated at me. It might make more sense then…

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Good idea or no? Again its just a LAST ditch effort. Sorry for the size and length ;)

Lol, it's ridiculous to how similar my e-mail is, the details are different obviously but I'll send it to you if you want... It took me weeks to write, I kept change it.. I noticed how much I apologized in it, taking the blame blablabal - would I be doing that if we were together : NO.
Whatever the case I'm not an example to go by, I sent her the e-mail in the end.. She contacted me 4 days later. Didn't mention a thing- she wanted my friendship. And then I went NC.
I keep re-reading it.. It's incredible how similar it is..
I did it because I wanted closure.. I told her it wasn't for her to pity me I told her she didn't have to reply, it was just so she knew how I felt. "the final chapter". But that's BS - I wanted closure.. I wanted to trigger a nerve that will bring her back.. Now that I look back at it.. It was probably better she didn't come back because she would have done this again..
You've done an awful lot of apologizing in your e-mail.. are you sure about it?
I'm going to have to disagree with sending it... Let her come back on her own terms if she ever does.. THEN things will be different..

I don't know if I will feel any worse sending it... it's very open and honest. I have nothing to lose really... I would like to read yours and I'll PM you my email. I do fall into the category of wanting her to realize she made a mistake and I feel a sense of deadline because she's getting this new male roommate which would severely compromise any possibilities of her living with me. Timecrunch, you know...
She said she's just done waiting. BUT SO AM I!! Why won't she accept that? She says I broke a promise and that I really gave her the impression I was going to marry her. But I AM

Take the blinders off, and throw away that letter. Its too late for anything but acceptance that this is over, and you dodged a very big bullet. The rest of that stuff, and that letter, is your mind playing tricks on you because your in shock still over the break up.

Quote:

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I have nothing to lose really

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What about your dignity and self respect?

So lets get this straight. From what I can tell, despite the fact that she says she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and that she's moved on with her life, I think that disappointment and frustration cloud her very real affection for me!! But she's done waiting for me to ask her to move out here with me. She feels that I broke a promise by not letting her move in and marry her. But her choice is to NC me altogether. I don't get it. IM READY to do WHATEVER she wants! I'm ready to fulfill any promise. I'm almost certain this is the basic framework to my problem. Is she justified? I can't just sit here and let things be over... were so close. Is it right/wrong for a girl to leave a guy because he didn't commit to her? Even if the love is unanimous. Or is it a twisted outlook on a loving relationship? I've asked my buddy a while back and he said that had he not married his girl she probably would have left him. That seems kind of sick to me... like how in love could she be with him if she would move on... is that normal?

I wish there were SOME WORDS I could use that you would actually hear, but I fear you're hopeless. What you "think" about her affections, frustations, motivations, whatever... it's irrelevant now. That's the ONE fact you seem hell bent to ignore.

Do you have to "get/understand" her actions? Of course not. AND Every second you're spending on it is a wasted moment.

You're willing to marry her? She's not interested. Right?

Can a girl leave a guy because things didn't progress fast enough. ABSOLUTELY! And good for her! At least one of you was honest about what they needed and made that need important enough to affect change. She did that, you didn't.

This is really easy stuff.

No, it's not sick breaking off from a stagnated b/f, not sick in the least. What you're doing with this belief you have any say so in her decision and all the energy you're expending on this after-death hyper-analysis... I'm convinced more and more with each post this may be sick.

Everything she did was normal, understandable, even predictable. It WAS avoidable. You didn't avoid it... it happened, it's over.

You DO know you have a future and life just waiting to start? It's right there... in front of you. You're looking back over your shoulder at her pouting... you go nowhere until you finish and start looking forward again.

None of the things you need in your life right now include her in any way. Everyone here knows that... except you.

I wish I knew the words to get through to you. Maybe they don't exist.

Take care, we really are hoping the best for you.

3 weeks ago she was really excited to see me and I'm 98% sure she thought I was going to propose to her. There was a certain giddiness to her and we laughed and kissed even. I could have proposed to her and all but it didn't happen. You don't think that's worth following up on?? She's just frustrated because I didn't do it and waited too long. I am obsessed now I think. I hate it! But I hate giving up too! Just not something I do. This crap is so messed up... :( obviously she didn't love me that much

Quote:

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this crap is so messed up... :( obviously she didn't love me that much

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You have much to learn about females my friend, (as we all do) and unfortunately its going to hurt.

I hate her sooo much. Its unbelievable. She's moving in with her new roommate which is a guy and she says she's not dating him or seeing him but "me and my roomate" hung out over one of the weekends with his sister and her "hubby" at a hotel/casino. She said "he and I adore eachother but it would never work out." she's totally banging this dude I'm sure of it!! She's got a male roommate. Tell me that's not his prerogative! What a bich. It totally spits in my face and in the face of anything we had I hate her and am going crazy :mad: :mad: :mad:

Ouch!