Hi I'm new here

I have a situation. I thought it went away and I had made my mind up yet I find now that I'm having issues again within myself.

I'm engaged to be married to a person with whom I love, yet do not trust there have been several cases where he has lied regarding various things. He's great in a lot of other ways we get along well laugh joke etc. we share a home he only has one child I have 3 kids.

He has strong connection with his ex wife, very strong, they are very good friends it bothers me quite a bit. It doesn't bother her new boyfriend though? Go figure

There's this person my best friend we were best friend for over two years. We dated, we were very close very supportive of one another yet we began arguing a lot. We were both under a lot of stress in our personal lives and we clashed due to that. I ended the relationship he was gun shy I wanted more and I walked away. Time later is when I met my fiancé. We did remain friends though. It hasn't been easy. There is an attraction there. Yet I would never do anything to hurt the person I am with.

Yet as of late when I am thinking about spending the rest of forever with this person my friend comes into my mind a lot. We are best friends, hands down. We love one another very deeply on a very real level. We have similar interests, hobbies, we talk a lot but everything. He's a part of who I am this I know. Yet have I made a mistake in ending it? Things got tough and I bolted.

So here I am now in love with the person I'm with but very nervous due to fact I do not trust him, he is excellent to me in most other ways. And I have my friend who the passion isn't nearly as it is with my fiancé yet instead is this very real very deep connection and bond ihave never experienced before.

I love them both. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do about this. Help

First of all,

You said you have known your best friend for two years. Within those two years, you also dated him. Also within those two years, you met your fiancée and got engaged. How long have you and your fiancée been dating?

Also, you said that he has been dishonest with you in the past. What was he dishonest about? I hope that they are severe enough to be having second thoughts about the marriage.

One final thought - it isn't fair of either of you to continue with a marriage if you are not fully committed to him, or have doubts about it. Try talking it out with him, maybe your worried about nothing??

It sounds like you are not ready to be with either and need to stop seeing one or the other and see if you can make it work

Dating and marriage are two completely different lives. While dating, you are perfectly fine to date, fiddle, stress, change your mind, change it again, despair, get engaged, break the engagement, etc. All this happens, all of it is normal.

But the day you say "I do" you declare "DONE" to all that garbage. You swear a blood oath to a man and he to you that you will pass up all the worldly influences with other men, including the feelings/urges that will come from your own heart, and you will cleave to him... forever. You are giving him a "peace" that says "we will work it out together, whatever comes...good or bad...hard or agonizing...we will stay and work it out...we will never be alone. No matter what, we are one."

So bear that in mind. The struggle you're going through right now is a luxury. One you will forfeit on your wedding day. After that, it won't matter how you feel for other men, ever, you will have made a choice and you will be entering a new method of living and dealing with things.

If you don't view marriage this way, and you think it's OK to change your mind later and get divorced, well, you're like many other Americans, and that is unfortunate for you and your future mate. Without that security, just about any big sin that occurs can and will break you up. Why not? Forgiveness can only really exist in the relationship I described. The marriage that allows easy outs is the death of any chance at unconditional love.

So, as for your dilemma, you know no one here on the forum can tell you which guy to go with. My belief is that you can have an AWESOME life with either one, as long as your commitment to them is real and your love oath is unconditional.

Armed with the confidence that you CAN swear an oath to that degree, you can now follow everyone else's advice about ways you might make your choice.

My suggestion is to honor the path you are on if there is nothing going on IN your relationship that warrants bailing. You and your ex took a shot and it didn't work out. There's no need to second guess it now if there's not a REAL reason to do so other than your own fleeting reminiscences... plus this is good practice since you will spend the rest of your life squelching these thoughts for other men that would distract you from your bond to your fiancé.

Perhaps this can be thought of as your first marital test. If you can't squelch these thoughts/feelings now while you still HAVE the out, how much worse will it be after you're married. I hope you pass this one.

I would suggest that you wait a while before making any decisions. The fact that your one friend has an excellent relationship with his ex is NOT a bad thing. It is good for people to get on with their lives and leave the past behind them. Firstly, if they harbored a lot of ill will against each other, it would affect the children. I would be proud that he is a kind and thinking person. Believe me, two years is not enough time. If there is a trust issue, you have to either get over that or accept it and walk away. Do you want to be suspicious all of the time? That is a terrible thing to put yourself though. Be true to yourself. It is YOUR future and YOUR happiness. Good Luck

Hi thanks! I read all your responses wanted to answer the questions asked. I believe in marriage and am very well aware that once it occurs this will be the person in which is most important in my world besides my children. With that said maybe that is why I am feeling this way.

My fiancé still loves his ex (complicated situation; she left it not him), they talk, text, it gets really annoying. He has lied to me quite a few times in the year we have been together regarding relationships he's had with other woman which he claims were just friends yet he was afraid to tell me about them due to my reaction. So yes it's complicated. I do believe he has been faithful. Yet he flirted via text quite a bit. He tends to lie a lot when a situation isn't to his liking he lies to cover it up and he has done it a lot.

Other than that he's been great. Very supportive of me, my goals, etc.

The other person we have known one another for about 3 1/2 years. We dated for year and a half of that. We have been friends for the rest. He is my best friend, I ran away from the relationship for various reasons me being scared was a big one and bored I bore easily which I know is so very bad. I've been to therapy since :) there were other reasons also yet had I stuck around we could have worked them out.

So here I am now. If I make this commitment, and I do love this man I truly do and in love with him I'm going to be scared he's lying to me because there has been so much in the past of which isn't that long. So I feel like it's going to take a lot of time until I trust him again. Also we have wonderful chemistry together which is great, yet that deeper connection friendship isn't there it really isn't. Yet I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me, he wants a forever and isn't afraid to make the plunge with me.

The other is afraid to take the plunge yet we can sit and talk for hours on end, never really argue (I argue a lot with my fiance) we share dreams and hopes and it's that deeper connection

When I'm with my fiancé I am in love and often uneasy about who is texting him I feel as though he's lying. Yet I also watch him and his ex their repoire with one another and know we don't have the connection they do. I'm afriad we'll never have it. When I'm talking to my friend that connection is there. Ihaven't done anything wrong haven't seen him or made physical contact or anything like that. Yet I know he feels the same still loves me. May not want to run away and get married but would go it again with me.

So there's the dileman. I could ignore the friend as I did for months. And focus on our relationship yet I feel guilty to do so and miss the friendship and that connection we share so much. Or I could end what I'm in which saddens me as well on multiple levels.

Am I just spooked about the upcoming marriage is that what I'm feeling?? This is a horror show.

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Originally Posted by sunshi007

so there's the dilemma. I could ignore the friend as I did for months. And focus on our relationship... or I could end what I'm in...

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Yep, you could do either one.

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... am I just spooked about the upcoming marriage is that what I'm feeling?? This is a horror show.

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Yes, maybe that's it. Or not.

Being a grownup and having to make choices like this, sacrificial choices, it's a pain, isn't it?

We can't tell you which choice is right, just help you keep expressing it while YOU decide. Just make sure you realize there is no "correct" choice, there is only the one you made. That means "regret" later is dishonest, too, so don't waste any energy on it. You inhabit your choice 100% and fight the fight.

don't marry a man you can't trust. I wouldn't wish that on you, or wish upon him a spouse who will always be peeking over his shoulder. Period. If you can't get past this honestly and completely, you don't get married.

period.

no matter how good he is or how great he can be for you... if you cannot trust him, you are the "broken" part of the equation and it won't work... if I couldn't trust that my wife, halfway across the globe on business, getting bought bottles of champagne by interested men, was going to be faithful, it would fall apart.

so if you stay with him you talk to him about your concerns and then you accept him. Otherwise it'll be hell.

as for the other guy... why is he the only other choice? A man who isn't willing to chase you down and pusue you is a buddy, a roommate, a confidant. Not a lover.

please... don't get married thinking about another person. We've seen it here before. Its ugly. Years into a marriage, maybe children involved with the man, and now the person is still thinking about her "soul mate"... I hate those posts.

do not get married unless you come to terms with this.

OK I totally agree with you on that. OK maybe this is what I am asking.

Is a deep true friendship a very important component in a marriage in order for it to thrive? Can a marriage survive without it? Can a relationship survive lies and some betrayal?

I was always told that a deep connection is necessary a deep friendshp because when the in love feeling fades it is the friendship that floats you through the rough times.

Very blunt, thank you. Yes you are right. Trust is so very important. I do not think, wait I know he would never do anything physical with anyone else. Yet to him flirting with other woman via text is OK and to me it is not.

The other person did try when we first were engaged he proclaimed his great love and I didn't falter. I decided it was too new and that he was wrong for waiting until then to speak passionately about his feelings.

If I cannot make it past his lies then you are correct I have no choice but to not move forward.

I think a marriage thrives on compatibility in a number of areas... goals, sex, money, faith, etc... I have a good marriage. I've been with other women before that I had "deeper" conversations with... my first big love I had connections with that have never been matched as I swear I could read he mind and finish her sentences.

So... the trust thing hits home hard with me, probably because I was cheated on by two big loves. Yet I completely trust my wife, who is beautiful and sometimes a flirt. I just get it that she believes in her vows... even if the cute 20 something at the bar wants to buy her drinks and work her a bit. I'm a jealous man who can turn the other cheek.

But I get what you are saying... this is with an ex.. its different. All I can say is the more you can talk it out, the better. You don't have to be angry or attacking... but my opinion is to always give another person a chance to do right by you by telling them what you need... not what you want... what you need. You might have to bend a little here too... my wife is good friends with her HS sweetheart, a man for years that the families thought she would marry.

So... all you can do is all you can do. That starts with open communication. If you can't talk to your spouse about problems or issues... its not going to last.

Thanks and I see your point on all levels. Let me ask you this though, so the flirtacious behavior doesn't bother you? Does it ever occur on a more direct note like via cell or text? Like what I experienced. I'm so nervous I can't even tell you. To me this is huge decision one in which shouldn't be taken lightly at all. Once I commit that's it no turning back this is who I chose to spend forever with. I know it's silly at my age I just don't want to make a mistake for myself my kids his kid, etc.

He said that to me once he said regardless of connection with ex or of flirting with others you should know that it's us and always will be that I love you and would never cheat at all. I said yea OK I'll buy that yet I watched for five months. Him lie about the text thing. Then of course other lies as well. He has hard time with truth I'm noticing. Is that a sign that maybe he's got a problem? Or is it just feeding into my insecurity thinking he is protecting me due from truth for fear of my reaction which is still wrong.

Gosh how do people feel on those horrible shows like the bachelor when their deciding between ten people? :)

The other one yup great friend cna't imagine my life w/o knowing him, yet passion isn't there at least the way it should be. And he's not the stop the wedding kind of person wearing heart on sleeve sort of thing.

Is it normal to feel this? How will I feel the day of? Will I be throwing up?? LOL

Oh wait and there's more we don't share common interests is that bad too? We're learning to find them and we are yet our times not always there. He works long hours at office, a business he just started up a few years ago.

Other person we share all common interests, all. We know how each other likes stuff, food, drinks, everything and anything.

You are not ready to be married at this time, nor is a relationship a good idea. At least not a committed one. You have a lot to live and learn at this time, and that's what I suggest you do before just jumping into something that looks good, or makes you comfortable.