So long story short, girlfriend and I were together for almost 7 years. She cheated on me once and I took her back. Three years later (a few weeks ago) we realized that we were not a match for each other (thoughts of infidelity in her head) and both of us were basically unhappy, so we broke it off.

We are both still living together until we can find places for us to move out on our own. There is also a guy friend from her work that she sends text messages to like crazy (50-80 a day, although all of the messages are essentially innocuous. This is also the guy she admitted having REALLY strong feelings for and where her toughts of infidelity came back in. This is driving me crazy... mainly because of the quantity of contact, almost like it was so easy for her to find someone to fill my role and talk about stuff with. Also this guy from work has a relationship and I feel like she is being really selfish to continue to contact this guy when he already has a relationship.

Due to her previous infidelity and this new guy (even though we are broken up) I seem to want to know everything that is going on in her head. I have asked her to see the text messages just to ease my mind and she has accepted, but I really do not want that. I want to not care or have the desire to know everything she is doing.

I realize that I never really got over her first instance of infidelity and then with this new guy I feel like it is happening all over again (yes I realize we are really broken up).

How can I get myself to not care who she is contacting or what she is really thinking and just let her live her new life. Or will this not really happen until we both move out? I feel like even then I will still have this desire to see how quickly she fills my place...

I want to be normal again...

You're going to need to break off contact and be away from her, out of contact... and still, for a time, you are going to drive yourself mad wondering who she is with, what she is doing, etc.

After going through a 7 year relationship when young, having her cheat, and finally breaking it off after much time wasted and spent, it wasn't until I had no contact that I was able to start to move on... and even then, it wasn't fast. Had that girl still been in my life, even with casual contact, it would have been a complete distraction... every time we talked I wouldve been looking for hints and signs of what's going on...

So in my case, complete no contact forced me to move on. I stopped taking her calls and told her I needed to not be around her to get over her.

Your job isn't to be her buddy or the shoulder she uses to get over you. And no good is going to come from trying to get in her head or wonder how fast you'll be replaced. It doesn't matter. There is no perfect clock. Chances are this breakup has been a long time coming... so what does it matter if she takes a day or a month or a year. You aren't right together... not now or tomorrow or in a month or a year.

I'm not saying its easy. Not saying you are in a good place. I've been there. Took me a long time to shake that girl from my head. It happens.

At this point, you need to use some of that anger to help yourself push away from her. And get your nose out of her messages. Its none of your business now. Until you make yourself walk away, you are just delaying the process of getting her out of your system.

She will find another guy. You will find another girl. It will happen. And sure, it sucks when she seems to move on first. Again... you can't control her or what she chooses.

Your feelings and desires are normal... you just need to do your best to act in your best interests... that means getting out of her business and start walking away from her emotionally. Isn't fun, but its needed.

You need to remove yourself completely from that situation. ASAP! It will drive you crazy until you do.

Is it fair at all for me to ask her to dial down on the contact with the guy and going out until the end of May or until we both move out, whichever is sooner?

The reason I ask is I have a huge project due at the end of may and since this is driving me crazy I have had a of a time focusing on getting anything done. I can not really move out right now and I really need to focus this last month.

Or would that not really be right to limit her since we are no longer together?

Dude you can't make her do anything right now, and if its important, stay with a friend or get a hotel. You can ask though, but its up to her.

Leave her alone. Think about your project. Call your mother. Leave her alone.

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Originally Posted by unsuretoday

Is it fair at all for me to ask her to dial down on the contact with the guy and going out until the end of May or until we both move out, whichever is sooner?

Or would that not really be right to limit her since we are no longer together?

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Well you can say whatever you want. She has the right to contact whomever she wishes, whether with you or not.

While my gut check was to say don't say anything... what have you to lose? That said... would you feel any better if she packed her things and spent nights elsewhere? no. you'd wonder what she was doing.

So... you just need to tough it out. You can make yourself scarce for a month. If that means hitting the library, gym, so be it. You will go separate ways in short time. Don't let her screw with your work too... if she won't dial down, then you spend less time there.