Ask Me Help Desk - I want to feel special so bad that we don't get along anymore

My husband and I have been married for 3years. Known each other for 4years... at the beginning,it was more like a relationship of whatever happens,just happens.. then I got pregnant. Our parents talked and advised us to get married. He's really nice. I wasn't sure if I loved him at the time but I knew I wanted to be with him. I asked him if he wanted to get married and he just kept asking me back the same question. So I said. I just don't want you to marry me just because I'm pregnant. We tested out living with each other for 3months. He took care of me. I had premature labor symptoms so I wasn't able to move around that much. He would do the laundry, get me food that I craved. And I saw his effort to care for me. So we set the date. April18,2005. We we're very tired. I was 5months pregnant. I always dreamed of getting married on a beach,and then there would be a boat waiting to take us away after the ceremony. Well the boat thing didn't work out. But I did have a beach wedding. Everyone wore hawaiian attire. Everyone was there.. even people we didn't know,to share our happiness. I could have sworn,every time I would look straight at him,he looked scared. I didn't even see him smile at me. Only at the camera. But we got through the wedding. There was no honeymoon.. we were both tired. But I didn't expect him to tell me he's tired. I had my oldest child. Our son. Ever since he was born,I saw my husband smile all the time. But it seemed his smile still wasn't a me. I tell him I love him. He says I love you too. I don't remember him ever telling me first that he loves me. I fell in love with him,it didn't take long. Because he's so nice to everyone. He does't have to choose a crowd. People his age,younger,older,kids,babies... he smiled at everyone. But I still didn't feel like his smile was for me. I made a mistake. I was supposed to give birth to my son in america. I am a US citizen. But I gave birth in the philippines. So I was trying to go back home so I can petition my husband and we can settle in Illinois. Where I was born and raised. Problem is,I got pregnant right away. With our daughter. My kids are only 10months apart. We had trouble in the US embassy and I wasn't able to take my son back with me right away. I didn't want to have my baby girl in the philippines 'cause then I'd end up leaving both kids. I didn't want to leave but I wanted our family to have a future ahead of us. I was 7months pregnant,depressed. I left my husband and son to await the petition process. I remember before I left I just dropped and cried,I snuggled close to him,but I don't remember him holding me tight to tell me everything will be all right. He said That's LIFE. I used to call him longdistance,crying because I was so depressed. I also had premature labor symptoms with my second pregnancy. The doctor had to monitor me twice or thrice a week. Whenever I called crying,he would get mad. He would say,think about the baby in your carrying. I don't remember him telling me don't cry,it's okay.. I waited a year to get him here. Unfortunately my son took longer. I gave birth to my babygirl the day after my birthday. I was extremely depressed on my birthday. 'cause my birthday wish was for my family to be whole. I was probably the only pregnant lady with insomnia.. I hardly slept. I was always on the computer texting him asking about him and my son. When my husband finally got here in Illinois,I was more used to life without him. Because I started working right away after I gave birth. My legs were still swollen because of the after birth symptoms. I worked 16hours a day. To keep my mind off my family in the philippines. I guess I never smiled. Up to now I can't seem to smile when I see him. Up to now I still feel like he won't smile for me. I started thinking of how much I love him. I know I do. He only says he loves me when we're making up after a fight. We seem to argue all the time now. I've changed,he's changed. We finally got our son here last december2007. Our family is whole. I just don't know why I'm happy yet. Sometimes I crave for him just to hug me for no reason,tell me he loves me,ask me to go out with him on a date. But we never go out alone. We take our kids. I crave alone time with him. It's been hard with the kids. He works second shift. I work first shift. We pretty much only see each other on the weekends. I cried and told him we don't spend time together. But it didn't seem to change anything. Then sundays he started going basketball with his coworkers. I complained because we don't see each other at all during the weekdays. He's sleeping when I leave for work. I'm sleeping when he get's home. All we have is our weekend. And it's supposed to be our family time. I guess time together as only him and I won't really fit too well. We fought. I thought I made it clear that I want to feel special. He stopped going to Sunday basketball. He cried and told me he loves me after the fight. Didn't take long I started feeling lonely again. He never asks me out,when we go out as a family he wants me to choose where we should go. Because he never has anything planned for us. Our 3rd year wedding anniversary just passed. I remember I told him about my coworker getting flowers at work and I felt so jealous. So guess what he did. He sent me flowers at work. I pretty much asked him for it. Pretty red roses. And a teddy bear. Strange.. it said #1mom... the card said happy anniversary. But it just didn't connect. It made me feel like I was a good mom. Not a wife. I feel like he see's all my flaws. He tells me every time we argue. Lately we argued a lot. Now we haven't spoken for a week. And we're in the same house. I told him I don't feel that he loves me. He says he does. It seems that based on everything bad he said about me when we fight,just hit me. I'm not the girl he wanted to marry. According to him,I'm mean I'm fat,I'm not a good mother,I'm lazy,I'm selfish.. and more.. and I feel I am what he says I am. He makes me feel like I'm nothing to him. He's nice. He loves his kids,all I wanted was to feel special. He never took me out for our anniversary. I just got the flowers.I wanted time with him... now that we're not talking,and I've been crying a lot lately. I don't know if my tears are because I love him,don't want to lose him,I miss him,still want him to make me feel special.. or if I'm hurting because I'm with a guy that don't really love me. And I'm ready to give up and love myself more... I don't want him to say he loves me just because he loves my kids.. he gives them the attention they need. But I don't think he gives me mine. I love my kids.. he loves my kids. I don't know if I really love him the way I thought I did. Because I keep saying I can't live without him. Or is that I just don't want to be alone and just can't live without anyone by my side. How do I fix it? He is who I want to be with. I just highly doubt I'm who he wants to be with. I tried to tell him how I feel but nothing has changed.

I strongly suggest you two find a good marriage counselor. You also must talk with your doctor about your depression or have him refer you to a reputable psychiatrist who will help you establish personal goals to get over your neediness. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with three (two? I lost count) children, so be sure to get some help and advice. It also sounds like your husband loves you a lot, but you are your own worst enemy in this marriage. I wish you well!

Quote:

Originally Posted by WAHSAH

my husband and i have been married for 3years. known each other for 4years... at the beginning,it was more like a relationship of whatever happens,just happens...i just highly doubt im who he wants to be with. i tried to tell him how i feel but nothing has changed.

From the description above, it doesn't sound as though you are in a Christian marriage. If you are open to learning what marriage is about from a Christian perspective, let me know. I think it would help you and your husband rekindle your marriage.

Sincerely,

De Maria

I am so sorry for your situation. I understand how painful it is. No one wants to go this far down this path to realize every day that it all feels wrong.

But it doesn't have to be that way. I have to caution you, it is my belief that as long as you continue to view your marital relationship and basis for being happy in it on how HE treats YOU, you will probably never find the peace you want. I know that may sound harsh, but let me add...

A guy is a pretty simple creature. He is ultimately the sum of what he does. His actions usually speak VOLUMES above anything he says about what is real for him and his character. Right now your man is saying mean, hard things, but he is still there, isn't he?

He doesn't give you what you want. That may not happen for a long time. But you may be able to create the environment to foster the development of that actually happening. Doing that will require a very "unAmerican" concept - unconditional love.

You will need to become a very big fan of your man. You need to fully understand and appreciate his likes, needs, and what he is proud of. He needs to learn from you that you admire him in the ways important to him... and not by your words, but also by how you treat him, defer to his wishes when you can, and respect the way he wants things done. You need to learn to disagree with him in ways that do not include attacking his point of view, only in presenting your own as if it isn't better, just your own.

You will practice building him up in the eyes of the children. And not just when he's around, all the time. You speak lovingly and caringly and with deference about him to everyone. Everywhere he goes he sees the fruit of your opinion of him in the great way he is received by everyone. No one is a bigger advocate for him that\n you are. No one.

This all sounds pretty one-sided, doesn't it. I can promise you that at first, it will be. At first. But men are predictable creatures. In an environment where we find sustainance, nurturing and full-on loving feedback, we start to crave more of it. We begin to commit ourselves to this as well. We start to do the things in that environment that ensure these things will continue... and that's where you start to see benefits begin to come back in your direction.

It is very difficult, nigh impossible, for a man to maintain a negative and disrespectful attitude and behavior pattern towards a woman who is loving him back unconditionally. As long as he stays and experiences these things, he should slowly begin to improve in the things YOU want. It won't happen quickly, but when it does happen it will be sincere.

Isn't that the best result of all?

Check your private messages. I'm sending you some recommended reading material. You do NOT want to let your husband see this material, he won't appreciate what it means and might actually be offended by it. This is for you alone.

Good luck dear, I am, as always, rooting for unconditional love.

I am so sorry. I have no advice for you but I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you for your advice everyone. I know I'm not a perfect person. I know I'm too emotional.. I know I let my marriage go for three years still hoping that I can feel he loves me. It's a longer story than what I typed. Maybe I'm a bad person. I think I pushed him away. I know he's cheated on me before. I just let it go. I figured that,I love my kids too much to let them experience a broken family. Now,I told him that I wasn't sure if I could give them a broken family or a whole family that is endlessly breaking. I want to go to a counselor with him. But he's very practical when it comes to money. I told him maybe I should attend a anger management session because I have been very mean lately. He said it's too expensive. I know it cost money. But I thought maybe he cared enough for me that he would want me to be a better person for myself and not just for him. When I left the philippines to come back to america,he didn't even cry. I was pregnant at the time. My last week before I left him and my son behind,he went out drinkin' I remember one night he didn't even tell me where he was going and came home at 4am. I didn't want to let him in the house but I did,and I just stayed quiet. I found out from my cousins that one of my cousins wife tried to kiss him. And they disappeared. But then others said he didn't kiss her back and pushed her away. But it still doesn't explain where he was that night. I was so hurt. Because I was helpless. Pregnant with premature labor problems. In bed early with no one lying by my side. He is a nice person... I didn't know what to believe. But I knew he did cheat on me before we got married. With his ex girlfriend. I made him call her on the phone and end it,if he still wanted me to be with him. A few months later I got pregnant. That's when we had to decide if we would get married or not. As I type my story to people I don't even know,for answers on how to save my marriage... he is not home right now. At 1:45 in the early morning. I don't know where he is... sometimes I feel like it's my fault.. I push him away.. but now I'm tired of crying.. he is a good person.. I just don't know if it's because of me,or he is just not right for me. I went out last night without him... I haven't done that ever since I met him... I wanted to enjoy myself.. but I didn't. It just didn't feel right without him. But when I think about it,I believe he enjoys without me. I asked him if he would rather separate. I told him I don't feel loved by him. But that's when I hear him say he loves me... and that's when he tries to make me feel special. The next day it's back to how it was the day before... and it's a repetitive cycle. This time I asked him the same questions through text because he's not here... and I got no reply.. how do you think I could get him to go with me to a marriage counselor.. I love him... I love my kids... I love my family.. I don't want to be the reason why I feel this way... if that's why he is getting away from me,is because I'm not a good wife to him.. I asked him if I was a bad wife.. he won't answer that..

First, please stop blaming yourself for everything that's wrong with your marriage. It takes two to make a healthy--or unhealthy--relationship. Have you ever heard the expression, "Don't go to the hardware store if you're shopping for bread"? No matter how many times you go to the hardware store, there ain't going to be bread there. With some people in our lives, they are never going to be the person we wish they were. So if someone is unwilling or unable to show lots of love and affection, they are not going to change that unless they want to--they may not even know how to. And no matter how many times and different ways you approach them (using guilt, crying, hollering--there are many ways to manipulate someone to try to get what we want/need, and we may not even be aware we're doing it), you won't get what you want, if you're lookin' for something they ain't got. So, at some point, you stop going to the hardware store and go to a bakery. They've got bread. Are there no other people in your life from whom you get affection? Do you love yourself? It sounds like you need to spend some major time and effort in that area. I know, 'cause I'm learning to love myself, too. You sound like you've been miserable in this marriage from the get go. Are you an extremely dependent type of person? That's about self-love, too. And, for God's sake, it's not up to him to decide if you're a good wife or not. YOU decide if you're a good wife or not. And a good person. I can tell from your words that you are. A good person who is hurting. You need someone in your life to offer some support, stability, and guidance. Your hubbie isn't giving you that. That's okay. That's why there are counselors. And, believe me, I've been poor much of my life, and I've managed to swing counseling into the budget even when I was scraping mold off bread so I could make toast. There are many places that offer counseling on a sliding fee scale, based upon income and what you can pay, unless you're in some remote area, which could make that harder. You know, it's NOT the woman's job to make the man happy. Nor is it the man's job to make the woman happy. You got to make yourself happy first, then you can add joy to others' lives. I really hope you'll get some help (support groups are generally free), because you are clearly suffering, and possibly creating most of that yourself because you're trying to get something from your husband that you should be giving yourself. This is just my take on the words you wrote here. A different view. For what it's worth, I'm a mental health practitioner who has worked in the field for about 15 years, so that's where my angle comes from; that, and a lot of life experience. If hubbie doesn't want to go to counseling right now, YOU do it. As you start getting healthier in your heart and mind, I bet you'll start to see this marriage in a very different, much clearer light. That's when you'll truly be able to make serious decisions about your marriage and family. Remember, you (not your husband or anybody else on this planet) are the only person who can truly make you feel better. The ability and strength are in you already. You just need help tapping into it, it sounds like. If you have spiritual beliefs that give you strength, make you feel good about your rightful place as a worthy equal to all the rest of us on this crazy planet, beliefs that make you feel loved, that might be a helpful avenue, too. Anyway, I wish you well, I wish you healing. I hope you'll take some actions now to make that happen. The power's in your hands if you choose it to be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WAHSAH

i know i'm too emotional...i want to go to a counselor with him. but he's very practical when it comes to money...sometimes i feel like it's my fault...

You aren't a bad person and it's not your fault.

There are many counselors who will help you and do their counseling on a sliding scale. That means they ask you to pay only what you can afford. I've even had clients who bartered with me and did some kind of work to pay for each session. To a good counselor, the money isn't important. What's important is helping people improve their lives. Call Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services (you don't have to belong to a church to get their help). Anger management classes are handled in a similar way.

The main thing is that the two of you get a third person involved to "referee" and to help you set goals to improve things in your marriage. If he won't go, then you go alone.

Your local public library has files and directories to help you find reputable counselors or social workers in your area.

Thank you all so much! I know I'm just starting to make the first step at trying to save my marriage... maybe he'll see how much I love him by me trying to get help for us. All of you have given me strength to keep on giving it another shot! I think I know what's best now... I gave in! I set my pride aside... I don't think I care about the reasons we fight,anymore... I care more about making things work. Because I don't want to lose him. I talked to him about how depressed I feel. And I told him that I think we should see a counselor even though it may cost money... I said that, "i want to be a better person for you." and I think this will help us... now all I have to do is search for a counselor... ;) you people are unbelievable! Who'd of thought,the words of wisdom can slap you in the face... thank you for waking me up! I am still a little shocked that I knew what I needed... I knew what I wanted... but I wouldn't give it to myself. And who else do I blame for it? Of course,the only one that I know loves me with all his heart... he tries to show me,but I just wouldn't let him... I guess,my problems aren't as big as I think they are... I just have a strange way of stressing myself out! The smallest things bother me,and then it starts to become the center of my life... now I want to work on making the center of my life (my family! Which is actually my HUSBAND and my kids),the main reason why I SHOULDN'T let the smallest things bother me.. hehehheehehe... I'm starting to get the hang of trying to understand myself,with all the obscure reasonings I always seem to make of petty bullshizit! ;) *you know what I mean!* well,then again,maybe my depression isn't just petty! But thanks to you all,I know I want to get some help... I'm glad I googled "HOW CAN I SAVE MY MARRIAGE?" because that lead me to this website... and all your wonderful advice, that smacked some sense into me... godbless you all!

Oh and to, DE MARIA... yes I am a part of the christian world. I am proudly a roman catholic. I believe in christ. And yes,my marriage seemed to be going farther down the drain... ever since we stopped attending church these past few months.. I am looking forward to bringing back our family sundays that begin with the lords word... I know I have always been a better person every time I felt my faith in church... thank you for your advice...

"TO THE WORLD, YOU MAY BE JUST ONE PERSON... BUT TO ONE PERSON, YOU JUST MAY BE THE WORLD!"

Wahsah,

Back up just a little, please. For example to the day you were welcomed to life. There has not been anyone as unique as you since that time forward.

No one can be a substitution for you. Your perspective is perfect and uniquely yours.

Your sense of well being is right there at the center of you. Look deep into yourself. That's where you are going to find you and what's more, she will always be there for you should you get shaken or doubtful.