I want to feel special so bad that we don't get along anymore
My husband and I have been married for 3years. Known each other for 4years... at the beginning,it was more like a relationship of whatever happens,just happens.. then I got pregnant. Our parents talked and advised us to get married. He's really nice. I wasn't sure if I loved him at the time but I knew I wanted to be with him. I asked him if he wanted to get married and he just kept asking me back the same question. So I said. I just don't want you to marry me just because I'm pregnant. We tested out living with each other for 3months. He took care of me. I had premature labor symptoms so I wasn't able to move around that much. He would do the laundry, get me food that I craved. And I saw his effort to care for me. So we set the date. April18,2005. We we're very tired. I was 5months pregnant. I always dreamed of getting married on a beach,and then there would be a boat waiting to take us away after the ceremony. Well the boat thing didn't work out. But I did have a beach wedding. Everyone wore hawaiian attire. Everyone was there.. even people we didn't know,to share our happiness. I could have sworn,every time I would look straight at him,he looked scared. I didn't even see him smile at me. Only at the camera. But we got through the wedding. There was no honeymoon.. we were both tired. But I didn't expect him to tell me he's tired. I had my oldest child. Our son. Ever since he was born,I saw my husband smile all the time. But it seemed his smile still wasn't a me. I tell him I love him. He says I love you too. I don't remember him ever telling me first that he loves me. I fell in love with him,it didn't take long. Because he's so nice to everyone. He does't have to choose a crowd. People his age,younger,older,kids,babies... he smiled at everyone. But I still didn't feel like his smile was for me. I made a mistake. I was supposed to give birth to my son in america. I am a US citizen. But I gave birth in the philippines. So I was trying to go back home so I can petition my husband and we can settle in Illinois. Where I was born and raised. Problem is,I got pregnant right away. With our daughter. My kids are only 10months apart. We had trouble in the US embassy and I wasn't able to take my son back with me right away. I didn't want to have my baby girl in the philippines 'cause then I'd end up leaving both kids. I didn't want to leave but I wanted our family to have a future ahead of us. I was 7months pregnant,depressed. I left my husband and son to await the petition process. I remember before I left I just dropped and cried,I snuggled close to him,but I don't remember him holding me tight to tell me everything will be all right. He said That's LIFE. I used to call him longdistance,crying because I was so depressed. I also had premature labor symptoms with my second pregnancy. The doctor had to monitor me twice or thrice a week. Whenever I called crying,he would get mad. He would say,think about the baby in your carrying. I don't remember him telling me don't cry,it's okay.. I waited a year to get him here. Unfortunately my son took longer. I gave birth to my babygirl the day after my birthday. I was extremely depressed on my birthday. 'cause my birthday wish was for my family to be whole. I was probably the only pregnant lady with insomnia.. I hardly slept. I was always on the computer texting him asking about him and my son. When my husband finally got here in Illinois,I was more used to life without him. Because I started working right away after I gave birth. My legs were still swollen because of the after birth symptoms. I worked 16hours a day. To keep my mind off my family in the philippines. I guess I never smiled. Up to now I can't seem to smile when I see him. Up to now I still feel like he won't smile for me. I started thinking of how much I love him. I know I do. He only says he loves me when we're making up after a fight. We seem to argue all the time now. I've changed,he's changed. We finally got our son here last december2007. Our family is whole. I just don't know why I'm happy yet. Sometimes I crave for him just to hug me for no reason,tell me he loves me,ask me to go out with him on a date. But we never go out alone. We take our kids. I crave alone time with him. It's been hard with the kids. He works second shift. I work first shift. We pretty much only see each other on the weekends. I cried and told him we don't spend time together. But it didn't seem to change anything. Then sundays he started going basketball with his coworkers. I complained because we don't see each other at all during the weekdays. He's sleeping when I leave for work. I'm sleeping when he get's home. All we have is our weekend. And it's supposed to be our family time. I guess time together as only him and I won't really fit too well. We fought. I thought I made it clear that I want to feel special. He stopped going to Sunday basketball. He cried and told me he loves me after the fight. Didn't take long I started feeling lonely again. He never asks me out,when we go out as a family he wants me to choose where we should go. Because he never has anything planned for us. Our 3rd year wedding anniversary just passed. I remember I told him about my coworker getting flowers at work and I felt so jealous. So guess what he did. He sent me flowers at work. I pretty much asked him for it. Pretty red roses. And a teddy bear. Strange.. it said #1mom... the card said happy anniversary. But it just didn't connect. It made me feel like I was a good mom. Not a wife. I feel like he see's all my flaws. He tells me every time we argue. Lately we argued a lot. Now we haven't spoken for a week. And we're in the same house. I told him I don't feel that he loves me. He says he does. It seems that based on everything bad he said about me when we fight,just hit me. I'm not the girl he wanted to marry. According to him,I'm mean I'm fat,I'm not a good mother,I'm lazy,I'm selfish.. and more.. and I feel I am what he says I am. He makes me feel like I'm nothing to him. He's nice. He loves his kids,all I wanted was to feel special. He never took me out for our anniversary. I just got the flowers.I wanted time with him... now that we're not talking,and I've been crying a lot lately. I don't know if my tears are because I love him,don't want to lose him,I miss him,still want him to make me feel special.. or if I'm hurting because I'm with a guy that don't really love me. And I'm ready to give up and love myself more... I don't want him to say he loves me just because he loves my kids.. he gives them the attention they need. But I don't think he gives me mine. I love my kids.. he loves my kids. I don't know if I really love him the way I thought I did. Because I keep saying I can't live without him. Or is that I just don't want to be alone and just can't live without anyone by my side. How do I fix it? He is who I want to be with. I just highly doubt I'm who he wants to be with. I tried to tell him how I feel but nothing has changed.