Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

What should I do?

One year ago I became friends with a girl who is Muslim (not strict) of Albanian descent - I am Catholic (non practicing) and not of Albanian descent (we are both born Americans).

We became really good friends - laughed together - started to ride the train to and from work together. Went to lunch etc... We used to joke that it was too bad that her family would never accept a non-Albanian as a boyfriend.

Then one day at lunch 8 months ago, we looked into each others eyes and knew we were no longer just friends. We decided to try to make a relationship work, but we had to hide it from her family (unhealthy - I know). We came to love each other - were best friends. It wasn't perfect, we didn't have as much time together as we would have liked, but we made it work.

Then just two days ago I could sense something wrong as we were texting after work (I had taken a vacation day - she was on the train). I asked her what it was and she told me she thought we should go back to being just friends - that the guilt of lying to her mother was really getting to her. I couldn't think of anything to say... I just said OK but are you sure? She said yes and that she still loved me and was very sorry.

I said "Ok...I am sorry too...goodbye". She sent me another text asking me if we weren't going to still be friends. I told her "I have just been dumped - I think I need some time". She said OK. Well I went 36 hours with NC... but this morning I sent her a text thinking that maybe she had changed her mind (I know - stupid). I think we all know she hadn't.

I am just sick to think that with her taking a break for the Summer from college (she works full time also - at the same company as I do), we had planned on being able to spend more time together. So after putting up with the lack of time all school year - we break up just when things were supposed to get better.

Is NC still the best thing to do in this situation?

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I asked her what it was and she told me she thought we should go back to being just friends - that the guilt of lying to her mother was really getting to her.

Not a fair situation, but yes NC is the only way to go for now.

Thank you. I guess I already knew the answer, but it will be hard because of the work situation. And we still take the same train.

Wow - I really made a mess of my 9-5 day... lol

Wow, that have to hurt because no one cheated, but her culture killed it. This is something you knew from the start but at least your tried.

I think the NC is going be hard only because your work together, and if your not quitting be prepared to see her and if you do, just engaged in little contact. I pretty sure it killing her too but what can she do.

You never know what the future holds and you need time to heal as well and maybe you seeing will help you and if anything make you stronger, good luck.

Well NC is working, with the exception of one set back, but not quite the way I expected.

When she said she wanted to go back to being friends, I expected her to want to continue texting me, riding the train etc. Instead I get a text from her saying that maybe we should take a break from riding together as well, she said she will probably have to take another train anyway when school is out for summer.

It is almost as if she has been posting here and is much better at following advice than me... lol.

It seems like it makes it worse though, a huge blow to my ego, "how dare she not miss me"? I am hoping that this will make me angry soon, I could deal with that better than this.

I guess I fell into the trap that everyone does. That my situation is different, that she will see after a couple of days what a mistake she made and want me back. I keep telling myself that is never going to happen, but it isn't easy to make stick.

Well today was another nail in the coffin regarding any hopes I had that she still even cared about me as a friend (like she claimed). I had a big meeting today - it was why I took a vacation day on Friday and was out of the office today.

I really thought that I would get an email or text from her today seeing how things went. I got nothing. I am really apprehensive about returning to work and seeing her tomorrow - afraid I'm going to say something stupid like "The meeting went really well - thanks for asking".

This is not the first time that I have gone through this process - and I usually handle break ups with a "that's life" attitude. I just don't understand why I am not approaching this situation like I have in the past.

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This is not the first time that I have gone through this process - and I usually handle break ups with a "that's life" attitude.

Is it safe to say you had deeper feelings this time?

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I just don't understand why I am not approaching this situation like I have in the past.

It think you wanted this one to go further than the others. Just give yourself the time to heal. Sorry for your loss.

Thanks Tal - should have looked before I felt sorry for myself...

I am sure it was very hard for her to keep a relationship like this from her mother. Being a very family orinated female myself, I have tried to keep things from my mom and it doesn't go so well. It always slips one way or another especially if they are very close.

You should try to have a professional relationship with her, if you need to contact her at work don't bring up the friends or relationship thing. Wish you the best of luck... I know its all easier said then don't TRUST ME!

Well despite all that I have been told... I broke NC with two messages, telling her "that she wasn't there for me today like I was for her" and "I guess I know that you don't even want to be my friend as you claim"... so I guess I have no choice but to move on now as she should be rightly pissed getting those messages.

I wish I wasn't so weak... I need to lay off the alcohol for a while I think...

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I wish I wasn't so weak... I need to lay off the alcohol for a while I think...

Yes you do need to lay off the booze, if it makes you do some dumb stuff. Drunk dialing is as old as the hills, and was stupid even then. Its no smarter with today's technology either.

We are all weak when it comes to the heart.

Just an update. I woke up feeling more positive today. I remembered she won't be at work today so at least I have one day to get settled back in without dealing with that.

I am also lucky enough to be able to take a different train line downtown, so there will be no chance of running into her there either. I am determined to stick with NC now and hopefully when we are both clear headed we can pick up our friendship again.

My friends are taking me to a White Sox game tonight after work - that is helping too, it reminds me that even if we don't get together again, or even become friends again, that I am not alone and have great people in my life.

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that I am not alone and have great people in my life.

Enjoy your evening, as a ballgame in Chicago is a great way to spend the evening with friends. Keep with that attitude, and you will do very well with your healing. Don't drink to many high priced beers!

Can a moderator please close this thread. The issue has been resolved.

Thanks everyone for all the great advice :)

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