I have a 17 year old step daughter who is extremely disrespectful and hateful. I have been around her for about 9 years now as well as her older half sister( my husbands other daughter) and I get along with the older one just great. The younger one was raised very differently and she is very angry, hateful and disrespectful to her Father and especially me. I know from the beginning that her mom talked a lot of trash about us but now she is 17 and we have had custody of her for about 3 years now. My husband does not discipline her at all and I am not aloud to. I am not even aloud to say anything to her even though she lives under my roof. When its just her and I home and her Dad is out of the house she is terrible towards me to the point that sometimes I have to leave the house too! She will not help me around the house what so ever, she will not do her own laundry or get a job. She will not lift a finger to do anything and my husband does nothing about it! I have not done her laundry for 3 weeks and I do not intend to do it! She and I aren't on speaking terms right now because when ever I say something to her she blow up at me. This is starting to put a huge strain on my marriage and I don't know what to do besides ask my husband for a divorce because of her. My husband has some health issues and I feel bad about them but I do not know how to deal with this any longer. The problems other than the 17 year old daughter that my husband and I have are a totally different story and topic from this but this, in my opinion, is our biggest problem. Does anyone have any advise for me? I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a rock and hard place with her and the husband and don't know what to do! PLEASE HELP!! :confused:

Your husband shouldn't be allowing her to disrespect you like that. You should be able to stand up for yourself. If your husbands not going to do it, then someone has to.

If I were her parent I would be kicking her out when she's eighteen. It's a privilege that she has a roof over her head and food to eat. If she doesn't appreciate it then she can go. That would be a nice wake-up call.

I wouldn't expect you to sit there and take it, so I don't believe your husband should either.

I'd point blank tell your husband to get on the ball. She's too old to discipline but your husband can surely make it clearly known to her that disrespecting you is not an option.

Thank you so much for your support! I thought I was losing my mind but now I don't think so. I have tried and tried to get my husband to stand up for not only me but for himself and if and when he does it doesn't work out at all! When she turns eighteen and graduates from high school she is getting a free one way pass out the door. Of course she thinks we are kidding about this but little does she know we will clear a path to get her out at that point and it just can't come soon enough in my opinion! But for now I just wish she would stop being so disrespectful and I know its too late to teach her manners, but I told her a long time ago- you have to treat paople the way you want to be treated- it went in one ear and out the other after about two hours. I think its just a lost cause and we may just have to deal with it for one moree school year. The biggest part of the problem is that my husband won't stand up to her consistently. Whe he does stand up to her it shocks the whole family- my parents have about had it with both of them and we actually have a few friends that told us to call them when ever she is out of our home- they can't stand to watch her act the way she does! Once again thank you for your resonse- it really does help!

The most important thing I've learned about kids after working at an elementary school is that you have to be consistent. Otherwise they'll just think you'll let them get away with it again.

I don't think anything is going to work at this point, right now my husband and step daughter are down stairs having a screaming match- and it sounds like world war 3 in here. I am scared and feel like leaving to my mom and dads house for the night but that will just add to the fighting that I am not aloud to defend myself in. I think I am just at my witts end, maybe I need to just get out and go on with my own life- apart from them. That is something I have been considering for some time now anyway. Thank you for being there to chat with me- I will talk to you tomorrow evening.

Krissy,
You need to tell your husband exactly what changes you want made in the household. If you make threats such as "or I will leave" be prepared to follow through. You might even consider writing him a letter and reading it to him. People are less likely to interrupt you when you are reading to them.

I would start the letter by telling him how much you love him, mention some good memories--especially if there is a good time including the daughter. The next paragraph could explain how you feel when the daughter disrepects you and when he doesn't allow you any say. Avoid blame phrases like "you make me feel..." Say things like "I feel hurt when this or that happens". In the final part of the letter I would explain how you would like it to be, some ideas for change and ask him to help you make these changes.

If he is unwilling to make these changes with you it is time for you to make changes on your own which may mean you heading to Mom & Dad's or you laying down the law in your own home.

Good luck.

How exactly are you "not allowed" to discipline? If your husband won't stand up to his daughter, I don't think he'll stand up to you if you decided to lay down the law. And maybe that's what you need to do, tell the daughter AND you husband how it's going to be from now on (you can always soften it by saying "well are things working now? then try it!") Another idea is to start a countdown board till her 18th birthday and kicking out. Maybe something will sink in.

You all are so supportive of me! First off- my husband doesn't have a problem standing up to me but when it comes to his daughter or her mother that's a different story. For the 9 years we have been together I have only seen or heard him stand up to them about 5 or 6n times. Can't figure that one out at all! I plan on have a chat with him tonight and I feel bad about it because tomorrow is his birthday. I just decided that it needs to be out of the way though! He has a tendency to get very defensive and mad though so I am first going to ask him to let his guard down and not have the attitude that he has to "fix" everything. I learned in a communications class one time that men have the fix it attitude and its hard to get rid of but I am going to try. I would like to be able to get through this smoothly, but I am very nervous! I will let you all know how it turns out. None of you realize how much you are appreciated to me right now! I thought I was losing my mind and felt so alone but now I see there are others out there that understand! Thanks again!

I pray for the best for you and your family.

Thank you very much! I will write more when I have a little more time.