I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2 1/2 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. My husband is a terrible alcoholic and his disease is getting worse all the time. He has blackouts of time, is yelling a lot, totally irrational, accusatory and paranoid about everything and very depressed. He hit me for the first time in front of our daughter.
The thing is like alcoholics, he has like two personalities. If sober at all he is fun loving, attentive and a wonderful father (he loves his daughter and she loves him very much). I f alcohol is involved he's a completely different person.

We rent and he pays the rent and some bills, I pay most everything for our daughter and food and utilities. I work part time. The thing is all of our families live far away and mine lives on the other side of the United States. My family will take my daughter and I in, in a second but it's out of state. What I would like is for my husband to move out for awhile to see if he would rather be alone and drunk. He has burned out all of his friends. I want to protect my daughter and her future. I have been attended Al-Anon for 6 months now and trying to work my steps. I don't think that my daughter and I should have to move out of our home. What should I do and how should I go about asking him to move out??

I am so sorry for all that you and your daughter are currently going through. The thing is, this is a very serious situation, and because you are so deep in it, it may be hard for you to realize how serious it is.

As a result, I suggest that you pack your things and your daughters and fine safe shelter with your family.

He has hit you. That is more then enough to merit you removing yourself and your precious daughter from this awful situation.

Should you be the one to have to leave? Of course not, but you are dealing with a volitale disease and you have no idea how he will react if you ask him to leave. While sober, he maybe agreeable or at least listen, but the moment he drinks that fire water, his reaction will be too unpredicatable and it is not worth the risk.

It's not a matter of who should be the one to go, it's a matter of being safe and wanting better for you and your daughter. He's hit you once, chances are great that he would again, and may even spill over to your daughter. That alone removes the question who should move out.

The time spent away, hopefully, will be his wake-up call.

You have been given this disease the control, take the control back and keep you and your daughter safe.

Hoping for the very best for you.

You need to treat each of the reasons you noted in your post about why you can't move out as obstacles you MUST overcome or ignore.

Alcoholism alone is a tragedy, but add the ability for him to hit you (not all men can do that, even when drunk), and it's time to stop pretending. He must stop drinking cold-turkey or you're out.

Everything that follows is hard, but not as hard as staying. Remind yourself what is important, then ACT.

He may improve, perhaps fully. But not until you give him incentive. Since you WILL do that eventually, how much more pain (mentally and physically) do you need to occur before you finally act.

Since it is inevitable, how about today?

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Originally Posted by lauraknee

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2 1/2 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. My husband is a terrible alcoholic and his disease is getting worse all the time. He has blackouts of time, is yelling alot, totally irrational, accusatory and paranoid about everything and very depressed. He hit me for the first time in front of our daughter.
The thing is like alcoholics, he has like two personalities. If sober at all he is fun loving, attentive and a wonderful father (he loves his daughter and she loves him very much). I f alcohol is involved he's a completely different person.

We rent and he pays the rent and some bills, I pay most everything for our daughter and food and utilities. I work part time. The thing is all of our families live far away and mine lives on the other side of the United States. My family will take my daughter and I in, in a second but it's out of state. What I would like is for my husband to move out for awhile to see if he would rather be alone and drunk. He has burned out all of his friends. I want to protect my daughter and her future. I have been attended Al-Anon for 6 months now and trying to work my steps. I don't think that my daughter and I should have to move out of our home. What should I do and how should I go about asking him to move out???

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For the sake of your daughter who has now seen him strike you and who may think that is acceptable behavior and end up in an abusive relationship or because she may be the next one he strikes out - if you want your husband out you can either call the Police the next time he hits you (which you should have done the first time) OR file for a separation or divorce. You cannot force him out any other way.

You can always ask him to go but will he? Only you know that. If you leave the State you cannot file for a divorce in the State where you currently reside unless you file first, then take a "vacation" and then come back.

Save your daughter.

Be strong, be brave, be willing. If not for yourself, do it for your daughter, your parents, your siblings--all the people WHO LOVE YOU are in your corner.

None of us here have met you, but read what we are saying... Save yourself and have peace.

In prayer for your family & you!

Even if he leaves what would happen if he get drunk and do more damage and makes your life a living hell like my stepdad use to do. I remember when I young he hit my mother and she kick him out but he made life for us a living hell and did a lot of harassing things, until she moved,and 2 years later he died I was happy. He was a terrible drunk but was nice when he was sober and for a child seeing they mom get hit at a young age is not good. They can grow up immune to did behavior or turned off by it like me. But if he hit you he will do it again. He needs help but he have to want to get it,and the first step is AA and a therepist to help get to the root of his problem, and them if you go back to him, before you go back marriage counseling.

First step is for you to get out the help and start over and if you don't do it for you do it for your daughter.

Best wishes!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lauraknee

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2 1/2 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. My husband is a terrible alcoholic and his disease is getting worse all the time. He has blackouts of time, is yelling alot, totally irrational, accusatory and paranoid about everything and very depressed. He hit me for the first time in front of our daughter.
The thing is like alcoholics, he has like two personalities. If sober at all he is fun loving, attentive and a wonderful father (he loves his daughter and she loves him very much). I f alcohol is involved he's a completely different person.

We rent and he pays the rent and some bills, I pay most everything for our daughter and food and utilities. I work part time. The thing is all of our families live far away and mine lives on the other side of the United States. My family will take my daughter and I in, in a second but it's out of state. What I would like is for my husband to move out for awhile to see if he would rather be alone and drunk. He has burned out all of his friends. I want to protect my daughter and her future. I have been attended Al-Anon for 6 months now and trying to work my steps. I don't think that my daughter and I should have to move out of our home. What should I do and how should I go about asking him to move out???

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Sometimes what we like is not the best option. Thank God you have recourse to a loving family. Not everyone has that.

If you feel your husband has become dangerous to you or your daughter, then moving with your family would be the safest course.

Perhaps that might make him decide to choose what he truly loves, his family or the bottle.

Don't feel that leaving him is showing a lack of love for him. I do not advocate divorce and remarriage. I advocate keeping you and your daughter safe from a person who has become violent and out of control.

Then from a safe distance, you can explain to him that you still love him, that you will be faithful to him, but that you won't endanger yourself or your daughter. And that you won't return to him until he has proven he has changed his life.

In the meantime, pray continually that God grace may enter his heart. I'm sure, I and any Christian who has read your message will be praying for you.

Sincerely,

De Maria

[QUOTE=De Maria]Sometimes what we like is not the best option. Thank God you have recourse to a loving family. Not everyone has that.

If you feel your husband has become dangerous to you or your daughter, then moving with your family would be the safest course.

Perhaps that might make him decide to choose what he truly loves, his family or the bottle.

Don't feel that leaving him is showing a lack of love for him. I do not advocate divorce and remarriage. I advocate keeping you and your daughter safe from a person who has become violent and out of control.

Then from a safe distance, you can explain to him that you still love him, that you will be faithful to him, but that you won't endanger yourself or your daughter. And that you won't return to him until he has proven he has changed his life.

In the meantime, pray continually that God grace may enter his heart. I'm sure, I and any Christian who has read your message will be praying for you.



Unfortunately - religious advice aside - unless the OP is independently wealthy she has to go to Court to get child support and perhaps maintenance for herself. Living apart if he has alcoholic rages is not going to keep her safe.

Also - Christians aren't the only ones who pray.

There is pysical and mental abuse, get out, and get out NOW. Go to friends, or find out about a women shelter. And make plans of staying away for a long long time. If he would sober I would want him to be so a year before you even consider going back, and then only after anger management and other counseling on his part, and then group counseling for both of you.

Your children can be seroiusly damaged by having a man like this in their life.

Very difficult to do! You had your chance to send him out when he hit you. As long as his name is on the lease and you guys are married, he has equal rights to be in the house. If at anytime his alchoholism turns to rage and violence or being abusive in anyway, then you can get the authorities send him out. At this time... no luck!

Because the alcoholic is so unpredictable, and potentially dangerous my suggest is for you and your daughter to leave and let him have the rent house to himself as not knowing where you are works in your favor. Its your safety that is paramount, not comfort. Anything else can be worked out from that safe spot.

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