Ask Me Help Desk - Dating a Divorced Dad

My suggestion would be to not go to bed until after he has finished with the children.

This way, you both get to start this close of your day event together instead of you waiting there, fuming over how long it is taking him. I can just picture you laying there, counting the minutes, getting angrier and angrier as they tick by... right?

The big issue here is that it is disturbing that you have this type of issue with his children and the time he spends with them. Given the attitude I hear in your post tells me that you may be headed down a path that will only continue to anger and frustrate you.

Good Luck

For starts remind yourself that he is with his kids NOT out running around doing who knows what with who knows. Try taking a nap earlier if you can or try participating in time with them sometimes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RayDiant

I am in the process of getting a divorce after 21 years of marriage. I have an 18 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. I recently started to date a friend who I have know all my life, our paths happen to cross and we had an immediate attraction to one another. He is also going thru a divorce. His children are 6 and 7. I stay at his place a lot and his kids have come to accept this. HE is a wonderful father and his kids are terrific and treat me with the same respect they give their father. I am finding it difficult to not get upset when he spends time with them in the evening, trying to get them to settle down before bed time. He tells me he will be in bed (with me) in about 15 minutes or so, and it ends up turning into a half hour, even longer at times. By the time he gets to bed, I have lost the "mood" and tell him as much. After I am upset, I feel terrible because I know I am being selfish in that he is spending quality time with his kids.

My girlfriend told me that I feel this way because my kids are grown and I feel that it should be all about me but this cannot be the case if I want this relationship to work out, he has many many years of child raising (WE DO together if our relationship turns into something more, which we both feel it will) ahead so I need to adjust the way I am feeling.

Does any one have any advice on how to control my feelings? I know I am being selfish, I admit that. Advice is appreciated.

Sorry to say, yes, you are being very selfish. These children have lost their 2 parent home and it is very hard on them. I think their dad is wonderful to spend the extra time with them. They need that reassurance.
That being said, if you can accept the fact that the children must come first (until they are a little older), great. If you can't learn to give of his time freely, you may need to move on.
One way to control your feelings may be, while waiting for him, to consider how sweet and loving he is with the children. He will also treat your grandchildren with the same sweetness and attention. If you can turn it around in your head, you may come to appreciate the nurturing side of him.

Well to be honest, if you are both "in the process" of a divorce you both have no busniess even dating yet unless this is almost perhaps a year after a separation, since the worst mistake people make is jumping into another relationship and not learning to live on their own first.

Next sorry you are going to have to put up with him talking with his ex about the kids, having to go to places his ex will be at ( school events and the such) for years. You will have to adapt to their schedules just like you did for your kids when they were young. And yes often kids will come first.

But also I don't agree with girl friend sleep overs with young children in the home since if your relationship does not work, it wlll be a new girlfriend in a few months, sets a real wrong example for young kids.

That's want happen when you date a guy with kids, and you have to deal with that and be happy he is. A lot of guys don't care about their kids and he do. You should not make him feel gulity about it because that can make him hate you all because you want to have sex. It don't sound like his kids are there every night and it sounds like you trying to use sex over him spending time with his kids which is bad. They are kids and you're an adult so act like it. How would you feel if you was in his shoes?

Also, I agree with the last post, your both still married and going through a divorcel not divorce yet. So even you shape up or find someone else because if you continue he might and the next guy might not be so great.Remember his kids should always come firse no matter age and you even deal with it or hit the road. You sound jealous mix with selfish and that's not a good mix. Let him enjoy his kids like you did yours!

As you're not yet living together, there's still plenty of opportunity for you to step back and consider what you really want, without confusing or hurting anyone too much in the process.

Your being selfish, and I think it has a lot to do with the circumstances in your life right now, and the things your coping with. I honestly think you would benefit being alone, and learning more about yourself as a single person. I'll bet it hasn't been long at all between dating this fellow, and leaving your husband. Step back, and honestly evaluate where you are, and where you want to go. Seems your afraid to be alone and are needing more attention to be happy. Did you have enough healing time, and have you adjusted to your new life enough?? I don't think so.

I agree with those that say both of you need to finish with your divorces before you start a relationship, especially with young children in the mix. My friend moved his new girlfriend in his house two months after his wife moved out and three months before the divorce, because he needs to "fix someone", but what he really needed was to fix himself first. Now he spends all his time with her and ignores his two young children.