I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

3. He wants children now, I don't want them for at least 5 more years.

4. Am I his fiancé or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

Please help me make my final decision.

First... id suggest all posters read the other threads before answering these questions...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...rt-210855.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...te-209465.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-a-209460.html

1) that he's attracted to a black woman isn't an issue. I've dated women of different frames and ethnicities. I have certain fetishes that tend to dictate who I dated. No big deal.

As for porn... well would you prefer he have porn of older white women only? If he has porn, is it shocking that he finds women like you attractive? Whether its good he has porn in another issue.. but really... should he have gay porn? Porn with people that look nothing like you?

2) I find your question, the way its phrased, insulting and rude. You have an issue with his being older. My wife is 5 years older than me and this never once was a concern. An old prune... guess what? You don't know how he is going to age, just as he doesn't know how you will. You could put on weight, you could have a terrible illness... that you ask this question this way blows me away.

3) neither side is wrong. If he has a child sooner, he will likely be able to play and be more active in the child's life. From your other posts its clear you want to run with the other friends your age to the clubs. That's not wrong, but why marry if you can't agree on this?

4) OK... so what's stopping you from paying? You are a student... fine. So? You let him pay. You don't choose to be in this situation and them blame him when you let him pay. Period. My wife was a single mother at 20 who worked through college and paid her own way. If this is an issue either suck it up or don't complain. As for the "rules"... you get a say here too. If he's too authoritarian for you, again... WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?

You have all these concerns and have yet to clearly state why you are with him... well, there's the fact you are scared to be alone

5) he wants to mold you... don't know what that's about.

6) he lives a sinful life with you... and you don't like church or religion... I give up.

Make another list

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE WITH HIM?

Pretend I'm a girlfriend who thinks he's too old for you and you'll waste the "best years" of your youth on a perverted, control freak who will be wrinkled before you know it.

Convince me that you should get married. Why marry him?

In my opinion... He is a control freak,, get out while you can.

KP- I need to spread the love. But I agree 100% with all that you have said. Well said and great job.

All I've seen so far is they have a lot of sex and he pays for things.

1. Everyone has a preference on their personal attraction

2. All people age differently, regardless of gender, race, etc. Your afraid he won't have it for you anymore once your not 20 or so I am guessing. Your asking, will he like me in the long run, like when I am 50, will he still have a fetish for younger women, that's a question for him.

3. Why have any children if things are so shaky right now?

4. Someone in the relationship does these things, it does not make one or the other a parent or child necessairly. Do you feel your roles are equal is the more important question? Does he?

5. If that is how you feel you and he should address these issues, no person is going to be perfect.

6. A lot of people do this, but you have to asks yourself if you can continue to respect him feeling that way.

Don't ask someone to change, ask yourself if you can accept them.

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

Please help me make my final decision.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

pretend im a girlfriend who thinks hes too old for you and youll waste the "best years" of your youth on a perverted, control freak who will be wrinkled before you know it.

convince me that you should get married. why marry him?

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Ok... we have a connection I have with no one else. We have exactly the same sense of humor and can talk for hours. He is my comfort. I feel so safe with him. He is extremely attractive to me and so great and considerate in bed. He has the best taste in food and teaches me something new everyday. My family loves him which is very important to me. He usually supports me 100% and helps me make the right decsions at times. He is taking care of me and tries his hardest to make sure I have everything I need and am happy. Although theses are my "best years" I sometimes feel giving them to him is totally worth it for all that he can do for me. But then again there are times when I have my doubts too.

He's your first big love, isn't he?

Lots of good in there... but being comfortable and safe isn't enough. Taking care of you isn't enough.

There are times when you write about him and it sounds like you loathe so much about him. And then this is more tender, though I think a lot of this is he is your first big love... at least that's my guess.

I am sure he has great qualities or you would not be with him, but the question is more about can the relationship be sustained on just the good things that you do have. Really, it's your decision and yours alone.

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Ok... we have a connection I have with no one else. We have exactly the same sense of humor and can talk for hours. He is my comfort. I feel so safe with him. He is extremely attractive to me and so great and considerate in bed. He has the best taste in food and teaches me something new everyday. My family loves him which is very important to me. He usually supports me 100% and helps me make the right decsions at times. He is taking care of me and tries his hardest to make sure I have everything I need and am happy. although theses are my "best years" i sometimes feel giving them to him is totally worth it for all that he can do for me. But then again there are times when I have my doubts too.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

Please help me make my final decision.

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Girl, this is kind of serious! It may not be enough to end the engagement, but I think it's enough to AT LEAST postpone it. Some of these are kind of serious issues. First, I'm a female, and I never see was wrong w/ men having sex videos. Hell, I watch them with my man! Lol 2)so you 10 yrs apart.worrying about how you going to look when you get older shouldn't even be an issue if you both love each other.go beyond the looks, & don't break off an engagement because of how someone will LOOK when they older! 3)he's a man, so he can have children anytime in his life.with women, we have at least until 35 maybe 40 to have children with low risk of complications. So yeah, have children, but damn, you only 20! You got about 10+ yrs.why rush it, girl?yeah, 5 more yrs is good.he needs to understand that! Don't have the child so fast!Cuz it's a handful!! 4)WHAT? he sets all the rules? I have heard so many times that older men are controlling, and I didn't believe it until a couple yrs ago when my boyfriend start dating a man 10yrs older than her.He is terrible when it comes to control! B4 you go further u need to talk to him about how thngs need to be = between you 2.if he set some rules, you set some rules, too. No matter how old that man is!! how dare he. 5)and how dare he say he want to MOLD YOU?? Basically he's saying he want to CHANGE YOU!! So something about you he doesn't like.What is a"perfect wife"to him? Cooking/cleaning, taking care of him?? Tell him to give you a definition of a perfect wife.& if it's like I said just now, you let his a** know, you ain't down with what they did in the 1950's. Because of that, you need to think twice about marrying him now. You need to talk all these things over again and again and then get married once both of you got a full understanding. 6)with #6, I'm sorry to say, but basically that's what they call a hypocryt.he needs to understand what being a true christian is.living in sin isn't a true christian life. Please don't get mad wit the advice I'm giving you, but I'm just keeping it real. You need to know the truth about this situation. Please open your eyes and reconsider this engagement, at least until you talked about these problems.he needs to know that he's wrong w/ what he trying to do, and you shouldn't follow up wit him. Love is blind, and it'll take over your mind. It'll make you not see things that's right in front of you. You must realize that some of thse aren't normal, and not acceptable! Please talk to him. Don't let it go on until he understands. This could mess up a marriage, so get it straightened out now.please!
P.s. try going to church with him, because not having God in your life is a terrible thing to do. God will help you mentally and physically, so give church a try! :-)

Oh my God, girl! I just read your other posts! I would've read them before I wrote my last answer, but KP didn't post that 1st answer until after I started writing. Anyway, he got a damn problem! His porn is all about YOUNG BLACK GIRLS!! Are you f***** serious? He got a problem. Seems like he would go after a young girl at his school, why do you think he's teaching?probably because it turns him on to go to work every morning. Seems like he'll be a future sex offender if he keep this crap up. And you just letting this happen? When you said porn collection, I just thought you meant the normal white man, black woman in their late 20's early 30's. But these are little kids! You cannot let this go on! And you see it, but you ain't doing nothing about it! Open those pretty eyes of yours and stand up to him and tell him about how you feel!
And then about your partying.You obviously are not ready to commit to being married to him. You young and still want to party! But that's very understandable, because you still young. That's why it will be a bad decision to marry him now.and then he's controlling! That'll be worse if you get married. When you want to go out, he won't let you. He'll definitely be acting like your father. Reconsider this marriage. You... no YOU ain't ready to get married, especially to a control freak.All your fun days will be over once you married. Your friends will want to go out, but you can't, and then you might break away from each other. And your husband wouldn't care because he'll really have you all to himself, then. YOU ARE NOT READY!Live your life. Damn, you just been dating for 1year, and you're 20 yrs old. You rushin into this , seriously! You too young to end your free life. Why don't you continue dating for a couple more years, and then consider marriage. He rushn you into this and you shouldn't let it happen!!

OK, now I am going to have to check these other posts, I am missing the boat, but it sounds serious.

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Originally Posted by michellet218

Oh my God, girl!! I just read your other posts!! I would've read them before i wrote my last answer, but KP didnt post that 1st answer til after i started writing. anyway, he got a damn problem! his porn is all about YOUNG BLACK GIRLS!!! Are you f***** serious? He got a problem. seems like he would go after a young girl at his school, why do you think he's teaching?probably because it turns him on to go to work every morning. seems like he'll be a future sex offender if he keep this crap up. and you just letting this happen? when you said porn collection, i just thought you meant the normal white man, black woman in their late 20's early 30's. but these are little kids! you cannot let this go on! And you see it, but you ain't doing nothing about it! open those pretty eyes of yours and stand up to him and tell him about how you feel!!
And then about your partying.You obviously are not ready to commit to being married to him. you young and still wanna party! but that's very understandable, because you still young. that's why it will be a bad decision to marry him now.and then he's controlling! That'll be worse if ya'll get married. when you want to go out, he won't let you. he'll definitely be acting like your father. reconsider this marriage. ya'll...no YOU ain't ready to get married, especially to a control freak.All your fun days will be over once ya'll married. your friends will want to go out, but you can't, and then ya'll might break away from each other. and your husband wouldn't care because he'll really have you all to himself, then. YOU ARE NOT READY!Live your life. Damn, yall just been dating for 1year, and you're 20 yrs old. you rushin into this , seriously! You too young to end your free life. why don't ya'll continue dating for a couple more years, and then consider marriage. he rushn you into this and you shouldn't let it happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Maybe that is why he wants a young girl, some guys get into that because they feel they can control them easier then a women who has time to get comfortable with herself.

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Originally Posted by michellet218

Oh my God, girl!! I just read your other posts!! I would've read them before i wrote my last answer, but KP didnt post that 1st answer til after i started writing. anyway, he got a damn problem! his porn is all about YOUNG BLACK GIRLS!!! Are you f***** serious? He got a problem. seems like he would go after a young girl at his school, why do you think he's teaching?probably because it turns him on to go to work every morning. seems like he'll be a future sex offender if he keep this crap up. and you just letting this happen? when you said porn collection, i just thought you meant the normal white man, black woman in their late 20's early 30's. but these are little kids! you cannot let this go on! And you see it, but you ain't doing nothing about it! open those pretty eyes of yours and stand up to him and tell him about how you feel!!
And then about your partying.You obviously are not ready to commit to being married to him. you young and still wanna party! but that's very understandable, because you still young. that's why it will be a bad decision to marry him now.and then he's controlling! That'll be worse if ya'll get married. when you want to go out, he won't let you. he'll definitely be acting like your father. reconsider this marriage. ya'll...no YOU ain't ready to get married, especially to a control freak.All your fun days will be over once ya'll married. your friends will want to go out, but you can't, and then ya'll might break away from each other. and your husband wouldn't care because he'll really have you all to himself, then. YOU ARE NOT READY!Live your life. Damn, yall just been dating for 1year, and you're 20 yrs old. you rushin into this , seriously! You too young to end your free life. why don't ya'll continue dating for a couple more years, and then consider marriage. he rushn you into this and you shouldn't let it happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Originally Posted by amIwrong

maybe that is why he wants a young girl, some guys get into that b/c they feel they can control them easier then a women who has time to get comfortable with herself.

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I think that is soooooo tru! Chrissymarie, you really need to think about what you're getting yourself into. It may be all lovey dovey now because you're so much in love with him, but if you don't do something about it now, your future with this man will be really bad. If you don't do something about it now, you will COMPLETELY regret it later on. And everybody you know and love will be telling you "I told you so". Think in the present to fix the future.

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Originally Posted by michellet218

Girl, this is kinda serious! It may not be enough to end the engagement, but i think it's enough to AT LEAST postpone it. Some of these are kinda serious issues. first, i'm a female, and i never see wuz wrong w/ men having sex videos. hell, i watch them with my man! lol 2)so ya'll 10 yrs apart.worrying about how ya'll gonna look when ya'll get older shouldn't even be an issue if ya'll both love each other.go beyond the looks, & don't break off an engagement jus because of how someone will LOOK when they older!! 3)he's a man, so he can have children anytime in his life.with women, we have at least until 35 maybe 40 to have children with low risk of complications. so yeah, have children, but damn, you only 20! you got bout 10+ yrs.why rush it, girl?yeah, 5 more yrs is good.he needs to understand that! Don't have the child so fast!Cuz its a handful!!! 4)WHAT??he sets all the rules? I have heard so many times that older men are controlling, and i didn't believe it until a couple yrs ago when my bf start dating a man 10yrs older than her.He is terrible when it comes to control! B4 ya'll go further u need to talk to him about how thngs need to be = between you 2.if he set some rules, you set some rules, too. no matter how old dat man is!!!how dare he. 5)and how dare he say he want to MOLD YOU???Basically he's saying he want to CHANGE YOU!!!So something about you he doesn't like.What is a"perfect wife"to him? cooking/cleaning, taking care of him??? tell him to give you a definition of a perfect wife.& if it's like i said just now, you let his a** know, you ain't down with wat they did in the 1950's. Because of that, you need to think twice about marrying him now. ya'll need to talk all these things over again and again and then get married once both of ya'll got a full understanding. 6)with #6, i'm sorry to say, but basically that's what they call a hypocryt.he needs to understand what being a true christian is.living in sin isn't a true christian life. Please don't get mad wit the advice i'm giving you, but i'm just keeping it real. you need to know the truth about this situation. Please open your eyes and reconsider this engagement, at least until yall talked about these problems.he needs to know that he's wrong w/ what he trying to do, and you shouldn't follow up wit him. love is blind, and it'll take over your mind. it'll make you not see things that's right in front of you. you must realize that some of thse aren't normal, and not acceptable! please talk to him. don't let it go on until he understands. this could mess up a marriage, so get it straightened out now.please!!
P.s. try going to church with him, because not having God in your life is a terrible thing to do. God will help you mentally and physically, so give church a try! :-)

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Thank you so much for this answer, I feel I want to ask him if he'd like to go to counseling before we get married but I just know he'll say no. He is set in his ways and I'mpretty sure his ways are right because he is so successful in life. I feel I should go home and tell him exactly how I'm feeling and all these issues I have but I'm worried about him calling off the engagement. How embarrassing if he did. I know that sounds stupid but put yourself in my shoes. We announced our engaement at dinner last night to his and my entire family. I just want ways to fix these problems. I know counseling could be the key. How I'll conivnce we need to go without making him angry I don't know.

As for the church stuff. I grew up catholic and then switched to christianity 2 years ago and neither are my thing.

Usually a younger wife or girlfriend or fiancée or whatever is considered a "status trophy" symbol. Right now you are having all your needs met as this is still the courting stage of your relationship. If you don't want to be controlled by him - then you don't need him to control you. You need to consider the fact that he will be the king with a capital K and you will be his willing/unwilling subject. Subject to his whims, subject to his desires, subject to his domineering attitude, etc. etc. I have one word for you - RUN!

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Thank you so much for this answer, I feel I want to ask him if he'd like to go to counseling before we get married but I just know he'll say no. He is set in his ways and I'mpretty sure his ways are right because he is so successful in life. I feel I should go home and tell him exactly how I'm feeling and all these issues I have but I'm worried about him calling off the engagement. How embarassing if he did. I know that sounds stupid but put yourself in my shoes. We announced our engaement at dinner last night to his and my entire family. I just want ways to fix these problems. I know counseling could be the key. How I'll conivnce we need to go without making him angry I don't know.

As for the church stuff. I grew up catholic and then switched to christianity 2 years ago and neither are my thing.

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Yeah, they always say no to counseling, but put your foot down this time! People don't like to change, but if they want to keep the one they love, they will sacrifice at lease one thing. Just because he's successful in life does NOT mean he is right or his ways are right! Look at all these successful people in this world that did something wrong in their lives! They weren't right! That doesn't even make sense his ways are right because he's successful. What?? Girl wake up please!you think his ways are right because he is your man and you love him, so you're defending him, and siking yourself up, trying to be OK with it, when you know you are not.Ask yourself why?And you scared he going to call off the engagement, and it's going to be embarrassing? No, why don't you call off... no... postpone the engagement.Just tell him that.You tell him that before he tells you.then it won't be "embarrassing" as you say.you worried about some engagement more than your feelings, and that's not right.your feelings come 1st, and if he can't respect that, then you need to let him no!If he really loves you, he wouldn't rush his "20 yr old" girlfriend into marrying him now. And if he really loves you, he would understand that you still got some kinks to work out and would push the engagement back a little. WHAT IS THE RUSH?Ask him that! Seriously. And Who cares if you announced it to everyone @ dinner? It's not embarrassing to tell them you changed your mind for now, and is postponing it.& it's not embarrassing to tell them you changed yo mind because you rushing into it, either. They will understand.I have been putting myself in your situation ever since I read your post for the very first time, and ever since then, I have been thinking what I would do if I were in the situation, and also been thinking what is the right thing to.but I really think counseling would work.don't worry about him getting mad, tell him you already are!Stop worrying about him just this once, and think about yourself this time! It's your turn to put your foot down! Stop letting him make the decisions! This is an equal relationship, so you need to put your foot down when you want to, too! And if he'll do anything for you, then he'll go to counseling for you, too.The way you talk, I can already see that you don't speak up in your relationship when something goes wrong, or when he does something wrong. Communication is a big thing to keep a relationship strong. Because you keep saying what he's going to do if you do this or if you do that.don't worry about what he going to do.you need to show him that you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN and it's time to listen to what YOU got to say for a change! And if he disagrees, remind him that he is not yo daddy!From the sound of it, he tells you how high to jump And he does make all the rules, just like you said earlier. Girl I seriously can't believe you letting this bs happen. And then you said your parents love him. I don't understand. You must be keeping a lot from your parents because I never heard of parents liking their daughters boyfriend that acts like this!! 99.5% of the time, parents dispize? Their daughters boyfriend if he acts like this one is acting.They must not know a lot about you relationship.If that's the case, they just see the good things that he's doing, and not the bad, because you're not showing them the bad stuff. Please Please Please!! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!! PUT IT DOWWWNNNNN!!

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Originally Posted by michellet218

Yeah, they always say no to counseling, but put your foot down this time! People don't like to change, but if they want to keep the one they love, they will sacrifice at lease one thing. Just because he's successful in life does NOT mean he is right or his ways are right! Look at all these successful people in this world that did something wrong in their lives! they weren't right! that doesn't even make sense his ways are right because he's successful. what???Girl wake up please!you think his ways are right because he is your man and you love him, so you're defending him, and siking yourself up, trying to be ok with it, when you know you are not.Ask yourself why?And you scared he gonna call off the engagement, and it's gonna be embarrassing? No, why don't you call off...no... postpone the engagement.Just tell him that.You tell him that before he tells you.then it won't be "embarrassing" as you say.you worried about some engagement more than your feelings, and that's not right.your feelings come 1st, and if he can't respect that, then you need to let him no!If he really loves you, he wouldn't rush his "20 yr old" girlfriend into marrying him now. And if he really loves you, he would understand that ya'll still got some kinks to work out and would push the engagement back a little. WHAT IS THE RUSH?Ask him that!! Seriously. And Who cares if you announced it to everyone @ dinner? It's not embarrassing to tell them you changed your mind for now, and is postponing it.& it's not embarrassing to tell them you changed yo mind because you rushing into it, either. they will understand.I have been putting myself in your situation ever since i read your post for the very first time, and ever since then, i have been thinking what i would do if i were in the situation, and also been thinking what is the right thing to.but i really think counseling would work.don't worry bout him getting mad, tell him you already are!Stop worrying about him just this once, and think about yourself this time! It's your turn to put your foot down! Stop letting him make the decisions! this is an equal relationship, so you need to put your foot down when you want to, too! And if he'll do anything for you, then he'll go to counseling for you, too.The way you talk, i can already see that you don't speak up in your relationship when something goes wrong, or when he does something wrong. Communication is a big thing to keep a relationship strong. Because you keep saying what he's gonna do if you do this or if you do that.don't worry about what he gonna do.you need to show him that you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN and it's time to listen to what YOU gotta say for a change! And if he disagrees, remind him that he is not yo daddy!From the sound of it, he tells you how high to jump And he does make all the rules, just like you said earlier. Girl i seriously can't believe you letting this bs happen. And then you said your parents love him. I don't understand. you must be keeping alot from your parents because i never heard of parents liking their daughters boyfriend that acts like this!!! 99.5% of the time, parents dispize? their daughters boyfriend if he acts like this one is acting.They must not know alot about ya'll relationship.If that's the case, they just see the good things that he's doing, and not the bad, because you're not showing them the bad stuff. Please Please Please!!! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! PUT IT DOWWWNNNNN!!!!

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I need to think but thank you for your help. And he's my dad's golf buddy. That's how we met. My dad basically gave me to him.

If he calls off an engagement because he doesn't want to address these issues... doesn't that mean you shouldn't be engaged?

I mean, I'm all for saving face and not putting your foot in your mouth when its possible... but you announced an engagement last night for a realationship that you've wondered about leaving.

So... if he's a little grumpy, well I think its understandable from his view. If you had issues to talk about, you should have brought them up before last night... but that's over and done.

So... you can deal with reality head on or you can try to wish it all away. One way is better for making a lasting relationship. But you get a say in this. You get to choose. You can take action. And if you refuse to do that, you choose to be in this relationship as is.

So... lets pretend he's going to go to counseling. What are the things you want to accomplish? Why would you be there, what would you want to see changed in yourself, and in him?

*btw... since some posts are long (like most of mine) if you respond to a post, you don't have to hit the "quote" button each time, as it strings threads out over many pages... just use peoples member names or similar... for ex, many post "kp, ...." when they want to address something I just said. Just a thought to keep these threads easier to read.

Kp... In counseling I would hope to solve the issue of the porn to where he can admit to himself that enjoying pornography portraying young teen women is wrong and hopefully help him to not act on it in the future. Also handle his controlling personality. I'd also like him to see me as an equal and be a little more understanding when it comes to the things I want that differ from the things he wants.