Ask Me Help Desk - Is she playing games

Hi everyone, I need some advice.

I fell for a girl in the gym she is an instructor. I have known her for 3 years, she is married but her hubby works on the ships 8 months of the year. I have heard not just from her she was unhappy in the relationship, but from her friends. I asked her out a few times, but it never worked out, then one day I got her number back in Dec 2007. We went out after talking for an hour on the phone, and got on well. We made love the next time at my place, and from there it appeared good. She has a dog which she spends a lot of time with, I guess she does this because she had no one else, but the dog rules her life and it sleeps with us, which I personally don't like, and I allowed the dog to stay at mine. She took me to meet her parents in poland and she met my mother. She told her parents she was divorcing her husband before we went, that is what she tells me, yet I go to her house and find pic of her husband on the wall still, and she never answers the phone, and gets upset when I talk about it. She says she wants us to live together, but I don't want to yet and she gets upsetsaying she wants to move out before he comes back in August, I don't want to risk this as we have hardly dated, yet I feel she is rushing for the wrong reason. She even said If I don't move in with her, she will move in with a guy at work and see me tweice a week, I got upset with this and then she said oh he has a girlfriend. I also find we use to text each other a lot, and email etc, and she use to call me, that has all stopped almost to zero. I don't hear from her as much and she has stopped coming round to mine or says she is and then does not. The last week has been most difficult she sends me a card saying I love you at work then I get no text when I text her, then she say she is coming round but then sends me a msn message saying I should come to her. We use to stay ateach others house every day but now it is down to 3 / 4 days a week. This might not sound that bad, but my gut feeling is something is not right, her enthusiasm has dropped, as if she is letting me down lightly but at same time trying to keep me with her. I am not sure what to do now, I think I should just confront her about it all and deal with the heart ache. She may be seeing someone else also I just don't know, our sex life is almost non existent, she says she is tired from gym wrk, going to kick boxing twice a week, when I say she is doing too much no wonder she is tired she gets upset. Does anyone have any ideas, there is so much to say here it would take ages.

God bless you all

... this went the wrong way the minute you started hitting on a married woman.

You're her "manstress" (male version of mistress)... and you know how that often works out? They don't. I doubt she'll leave her husband for you and is pretty much just using you for sex.

Now that the excitement of an affair is gone, the excitement of YOU is gone. Sorry bud.

Hi Mate thanks for what you said. It was not really like it sounds we did not go out for 3 years, and I heard from all around people in the gym about what was going on with her, and that I know she has not been with anyone else, so it was not exactly a fly by night affair. Saying that though you are right married woman etc, is bad news, I just did not expect the BS along the way not having dated a married woman before.

Always follow your gut because if you think something not right then most likey it isn'nt.

You know you should not involve with a marry women regardly of her situation and she can change it if she wants but let her do it. She might be unhappy due to her husband being on the ship 8 months out the year. I hope your was haviing sex in the bed they share because that nasty.

Also, it sounds like an ongoing affair that's dying slowly but you should count your blessing in disguise!Who knows how the husband would have reacted. Another thing she is allowed to have pics of her husband around the house because its her husband.

In closing, leave her alone and find someone for you who not involve with someone. It not good to be down with OPP(other people property).

Acting nobly should work for you in this situation.

Trusting your gut is probably BAD advice since guys want the ladies... led you to a married woman's bed, didn't it?

Doing what is right is harder, but if nothing else leads to a respectful life. I would break off all contact with this woman until such time as she IS divorced. Ask to see the divorce decree.

THEN, and only then, start dating all over. And I mean start completely over. Act the gentleman. No living together, no fury under the sheets, an actual courtship with simple fun dates and chance to let something real build up with nothing between you two like an errant husband.

Good luck, if not with this girl, make your next relationship a noble one.

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Does anyone have any ideas, there is so much to say here it would take ages.

Spare us the sordid details, because honestly this forum is FILLED with stories just like yours. What did you really expect from a married female?

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We use to stay ateach others house every day but now it is down to 3 / 4 days a week.

I guess the good sex is slowing down so what else can sustain this relationship? Nothing, because there was nothing there.

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It was not really like it sounds we did not go out for 3 years,

So it was a short term affair, and for the record its still old fashion... cheating.

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and I heard from all around people in the gym about what was going on with her, and that I know she has not been with anyone else, so it was not exactly a fly by night affair.

Because no one else knows her business, doesn't mean you are her first, and does that make you special? As you are finding out, there is a lot of things no one knows so why even believe them?

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Saying that though you are right married woman etc, is bad news

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Pursuing married people is not healthy, nor as safe as you thought. Drama and more drama, and now the fun is over because the husband is coming home.

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I just did not expect the BS along the way not having dated a married woman before.

Truly hope you have learned a lesson and cut this chapter from your life. If not, enjoy the confusion, misery, and pain. You'll get plenty.

The only advise I have to you is to tell this lady how you feel. I know it sounds like the answer everyone uses for everything but it's true. You can't just go on feeling this way about the situation and not let her know. "SHE HAS TO KNOW THAT YOUR HURTING" you never know what she might do, you know? She could get her act together and change or it might back fire on you and she might get mad and never talk to you again. Or she might just tell you that she's seeing someone else, or her husband again. And if I were you I would really try and talk to her about the whole divorce thing. She really needs to divorce him, and if she really loved like those cards she was sending you at work than she would start the divorce process.

Would like to thank everyone for there straight forward opinions.

I will take a step back, talked abouit and how I felt. She has told me she did not want me to feel the pressure hence why she backed off, she is filing for divorce and will prove it to me, so I will wait and see. It is like being between the devil and the deep blue sea, I met her parents etc. so I don't think that is done lightly. I also don't think bad of dating a married woman in paper only, if the husband is there all year then I agree he does not deserve to be crapped on nor would I, but if he CHOOSES to be away and I say CHOOSES then it is not for any person to be expected to put up with it whether another man is on the scene or not. He has moved all his things out to his parents house, back in November last year. I don't feel guilty there as he chose to leave and her friends have told me this, not just her word. Like I said it it not an overnight ffair I liked her for a long time, and niether one of us, did anything about it till christmas, this is by the wy her husbands 3rd trip overseas, so we are talking 24 months apart!! So details have to be taken into account to know the ins and outs.

Would like to thank everyone again, I won't be considering living with her until I know the divorce is happening.

How about living with her AFTER you two are married?

Hi I think there has only been one person here who has helped in actually answering the question for HELP I asked Charstar thanks for advice. It seems the rest on here have ths strange perception that they can dictate about morals of marriage etc. the website I assume is to guide people for help not to give your personal view on right or wrong, please wke up and give advice on the question not on acting like a poor effort of judge judy!!

Sorry you feel judged, but the truth is there is a right way, and a wrong way, to do things, so whatever course you choose is your ultimate choice.

Part of the reason so many things go wrong in relationships is because people do not discern the difference between right & wrong outside their feelings. They don't HAVE a developed sense of morality and thus are pretty open to trying "whatever" as they meander through situations.

This is common. And so is the chaos that results. But, hey, that chaos is almost an American pastime nowadays. What can you do?

If you think that someone telling you, "Hey, tell her how you feel 'cuz anything could happen, you know" (my summary of Charstar's post) is actually BETTER advice than what everyone else is giving, then you're right. We can't help you.

People who make judgements, people who have a core morality that results in sacrificial behavior in life, people who put action to their beliefs, these are people who succeed much more readily.

You can ignore our pleas to guide you towards making some decisions about this situation based on something OTHER than your feelings or yearning, of course. I sadly admit it sounds like you will. But that doesn't mean we're incorrect in the benefits of considering our words.

Whatever you do, at least we've HAD these talks together, right? That's good, too.

When you post question you ask for people opinions and even through you might not agree, it just that otherwised you would not have post on here. In reality it your life and you can do whatever you want but you always try to do right because this world is a big boomerang and whatever you do does come back to you.

Hold up... lets check for a pulse... ok that's good now lets search for a brain.. MAN I can't understand how you can expect to lay down with dogs and not get fleas.How much money have you given her? How much has she given you? someone is either getting paid or getting played... PERIOD