My stepdaughter is a pathological liar. There is no doubt about it. She lies about any and everything. She is thirteen years old. My plan was to put her in pop warner cheerleading on Saturday. I found out today that she took the check that I wrote to her middle school for her lunch and instead of using it for her lunch she used it for the American Heart Association Hoops for Hearts. I found out because the check finally cashed and the name of her middle school was crossed out and American Heart Association was written instead. That is not why I am upset, I am upset because the check was written over a month ago, I have asked her twice where the check disappeared to because it was never cashed. She stood right in my face and told me that she didn't know what happened to the check and that the school claims that she never gave it to them. Why lie about something like that? It absolutely disgusts me and makes me not want anything to do with her. I feel that if you can lie easily like that then you can just as easily steal from me.

At this point I want to tell her the cheerleading signups are off because she lied to me. I do not want to put $175 in registration fees into a liar. Am I being too harsh or is it OK for me to use that as a punishment for lying to me? Keep in mind that she lies about everything!

She's 13. That means boundaries will be tested and she will tell lies when directly confronted. This is reality, dude.

I know you don't want to hear this, but calling her a liar is pointless in dealing with situation. If you do that so quick and harshly in your mind, I KNOW you are doing that to her face, too. Let me tell you, that is the #1 absolute best way to drive a permanent wedge between herself and you. It will make dealing with her impossible because you've already made sure you two won't have ground to stand on together.

I'm not blaming you for her lying, I'm letting you know that calm, unconditional acceptance of the girl is your FIRST character need to dealing with her. She needs to know that you are here for her, no matter what she does, you are there to work with her and help her succeed.

She will lie. She will do things and try to keep them from you. When cornered with any question at all concerning "why did you" or "what were you thinking" or "who do you think you are" or ANYTHING like that will get you an automatic self-defense lie. Every time. And when it happens, she's not "getting worse" or is "out of control" or any of that. She's still in the same place doing the same thing.

So, you need to take a huge chill pill. You need to grab ahold of your love for this girl and keep it near and dear in your mouth when you speak with her. Try try TRY to not ask more "explain this to me" questions than you can get away with. Truth is you can figure most of the reality out on your own and her answers aren't needed anyway.

As for cheerleading, I'd say in general that cheerleading is a positive influence and you should consider encouraging her in the things that make her life better.

It is hard, you feel like you need to punish her, but the best punishments aren't in the form of taking away privileges, their in the form of taking away comfort. Some privileges SHOULD be kept separate as they are rare and character building, while some comforts are common and more immediate in their impact.

For instance, keep the cheerleading, but take away the cell-phone during school days, only giving it back on weekends. Or adding more chores, or cleanup jobs that would have been shared become her sole responsibility. Less TV, more time at the gym.

As for the check, you know what happened, skip the "why" and calmly talk to her about the "why not". American Heart Association is a potentially GOOD place for money to go. Ask her what her interest is in that organization and how you can help her get more involved with them. "I'd love to help you donate to/work with that organization without making you feel like you need to use your lunch money. It's a great idea. How can I help? Is it something we can do together?"

When you catch her in a lie, relax. "I realize you're not telling me the truth on this issue, so I hope you believe that I'm really on your side. If you think this is important enough to be secretive about, maybe its something I could actually help you with. Think about it, OK? I'm going to make dinner, come help if you want and we can talk. I'm not the enemy honey." Give a hug, and go make dinner.

This stuff takes time to develop. Her lies are perfectly normal, as is your anger over it. But you're the grownup. Teach her by example how you want HER to deal with people who are dishonest to her, especially close people. Do you want HER going ballistic and using harsh names and accusing tones and do you want HER to demand unfettered obedience and apologies from those who've lied to her? I know if she did that, she'd just lose those friends/relationships, wouldn't she? So you have to be the smart one.

Being right isn't the point. Bridge-building with this girl is the ONLY point. Angry, happy, sad, ecstatic... she's still your daughter and you need to set the tone for the mature relationship she's going to need with you over the next 10 years.

I know she's your step-daughter, which means if she thinks SHE is a step-daughter, you will have a harder time exerting authority over her. That's OK. Treat her the same way I've described. You don't need to go light on the issue, you do need to work with her on it, but you need to be consistent and non-abusive with your treatment of her. Love, patience, acceptance, perserverance, steadfast commitment TO her... she needs to perceive all that from you.

Take care.

That was a very good answer and makes total sense in a normal situation. However, the problem that I am having now is that I have absolutely no warm feelings toward this child. It may sound sad but she has done so many things to me that I really don't want to even be in the same room with her anymore. I am disappointed in myself for feeling this way about a child because this is not who I am, but I am being honest. I try to "act like the adult" but at the same time I do not feel that she should be able to get away with lying, stealing or disrespecting me and she has pushed me to a point where I can't take it anymore. The girl already doesn't have any privileges left. She was just grounded by her dad last week for stealing her aunt's cell phone and then lying about it when confronted with the outgoing call history proving that she had it and was calling her friends. She already is not allowed to use the cell phone during the week because no matter how many times she is told not to use it before 7pm or after 10pm, she does it anyway; so now she is only allowed to have it from Friday night to Sunday night. She has no other privileges. She doesn't have any electronics because she is irresponsible and loses or breaks them. She doesn't have a TV in her room because she will stay up all night watching it instead of going to bed. Her dad is a major problem in this because and is a big reason why her and I don't get along, because he undermines me and does not discipline her for disrespecting me and he is not consistent in his discipline. Therefore, I have no control over her punishments. The only thing I can do is withdraw myself from her, which in turn causes more animosity. This is the reason why I said that I wasn't going to do cheerleading because it would be me going to the games, practices, etc and I don't feel that I should waste my time and effort on someone who lies, steals and disrespects me. :(

All of that is unfortunate. You are correct to lay some controlling blame at your husbands feet, but you need to be pragmatic here. You chose to marry a man with children. Like it or not, you're a grownup and SHE IS NOT. She is still young and impressionable. Very impressionable.

Parenting is about many things, but it is not about you getting your way. It usually doesn't matter what a child does wrong, you're still the one who HAS to keep slugging away, it is the job you chose and is one of the few decisions in life the simply CAN'T be taken back.

Understand, I know exactly how hard/harsh this sounds, but you giving up on this girl may take away the only remaining "give a crap" person in her life. It appears her dad isn't involved enough using the techniques I described above. He needs to be, but you can't control that.

You're not her mother. Agreed. Also, Dad has undermined your authority with her. But you are an adult so you absolutely MUST MUST MUST suppress outward demonstrations of how much you can't stand her. You don't have a choice in that. These particular feelings you have towards her are irrelevant. Worse, displaying them can have REAL, long-term negative impact on this 13 year old.

Your hands are tied, you sit on your disgust for her as if it didn't exist. You do that because this is the "for better or worse" you promised you husband... and by default promised her as well. This is the "worse" in case you were wondering.

But perhaps your "not the Mama" status can be used to your advantage. You don't need to be her mother, you can play the role of confidant. You can develop secrets with her, you can sneak her privileges behind Dad's back (he can actually know if you want, but she can think it's sneaking) to develop your repoire with her.

Cheerleading, you may have to go to practices and games and such, but can do so with an ear towards having fun, not chaperoning her. Let her Dad know he's responsible for what she does and you're just there for the ride until such time as he takes the lead elevating your parenting status with her. And in the meantime, you two can lean more towards "buddying around". Let Dad deal with the fallout.

This is so critical at 13. She is so completely capable of being roped back in, but only by someone who is unconditionally "hanging in there" for her.

You don't want to hear it, but the terrible truth may be that you're the only one that can give this girl a chance at all.