Ask Me Help Desk - I REALLY need to make this relationship last! I love her.

I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now. We started dating about 2 months after she got out of a serious 3 year relationship. She also slept with this guy(I guess loneliness is a factor) once before we started dating. It destroyed me. But I stuck by her side. Talked her through it. Was very hard to deal with. But I cared about her enough...

I was also in a 3 year or so relationship... she was flirty... but she was always good to me... she always was there for me.. etc... but for some reason I was never able to TRUST her. When we would go out I would always get panicky, frustrated, just want to go up to her constantly and tell her like "hey dont forget...i care about you a lot" but why do I feel the need to be compulsive about that? She already knows. A lot of that type of stuff happened for a LONG time. I also was in the process of getting rid of some friends who I was just not getting a long with anymore, but SHE became friends with my friends... so I had to see them still... screwed me up a lot, and made me really angry all the time... some reason , I was always paranoid and insecure, all the things girls hate about guys. I just wasn't in control...

So after the girl I'm dating now, was out of her relationship... and I was out of mine for quite some time... we met... I like her a lot. We share much more interests, and we get a long great when we are together. But when we are not together. I'm a nightmare... I just constantly think about what she's doing. She recently told me I need to take a step back and give her some space. I didn't have this problem with the past relationship... but this one is different. What I want to know is... is it possible I took all of the pain and anger and frustration from the past relationship... into this new one? I seem to be so worried all the time about maintaining this relationship, when all I want to do is be stronger about this, and make her happy. I been so consumed with this, I'm getting in really bad places and states of mind. She is not liking this. Today we got into a scuffle because for some reason, after she got out of her past relationship... she never seems phased by too many things at all. She said she didn't even cry. She is like frozen or something. And I'm like a SUPER emotional guy, and I want her to be emotional with me, explain her problems with me. Just talk to me. Today I got down on my knees and tried asking her if she can open up to me... and it freaks her out... she turns away... she says I'm being too pressuring.and I don't want to be. She said she just needs some time to figure things out. Is this my problem? Can a emotional guy, and a girl like her, in her state right now, work out? We have problems all the time, I'm always fighting with her about this. I want more out of her, and I don't get it. Its so hard. But we both like each other enough where we don't want to let each other go. Is there any steps I can do for her to help her understand that I'm here for her, and try to make her open up more to me? Or is it best to just let her be and do her thing?

I guess jumping into this relationship was a bad idea... right now all I want to do is call her up (shes at the bar with friends ugh) and tell her how much I feel for her... but its too much... she doesn't like it. I feel like I'm in love with her. Sorry for the incredibly long message, but you people are great and reliable. Any suggestions would help immensely.thanks.

Im going to give you my opinion-I may be wrong so don't ride a lot on it.
I don't think it was a good idea to get emotionally attached to a girl who got out of a 3 year relationship after two months... It's no wonder she's emotionally dead when it comes to these things. After a 3 year relationship I'm sure what the girl wants is something fun, no strings attached, easy going kind of relationship... NO ONE in their right minds can jump from one 3 year relationship to another one after two months..
What you need to do is give her what she wants.. Discipline yourself to stop showing so much emotion. I know it's against your natural instinct.. you feel you should shower her with love so she knows that she is loved and she won't cheat on you or leave you or whatever. But it will have an opposite effect.
You can see yourself she's frightened by your smothering..
SHE Doesn't WANT SOMETHING SERIOUS. - End of story.
Now its your call to decide.. Can you suck in your feelings and give her what she wants, and take on the role of "fun guy" that she's with? - what this could lead too:
You getting hurt because you can't cope pretending all the time.
She may eventually get bored with it since she knows it was probably just a rebound and its pointless so she leaves you.
She may grow to love you eventually.
Or your alternative decision is to jump this sinking ship while you're a head.. It's only been four months.. you cut your losses.. You're obviously at a more serious place than she is, and to be honest with you my friend I don't think she wants to go where you are. BUT you shouldn't take it personally, you shouldve expected this from her after she was in such a long relationship and the gap between yours was so small..
After 3 years I would give a person at least 9 months to get into dating again.
Good luck amigo

Never mind... she broke up with me. Kill me now.

You'll live and love again, later.

Sorry man but it seemed doomed from the start..
Treat this experience as a lesson and be thankful that it didn't happen later in the relationship(it was almost destined to happen sooner or later) and you would have been in a world of pain then..
I know you liked her a lot and you're probably glorifying her in your mind now, thinking she was the best thing that happened to you... But in a couple of months you will laugh at that idea you had in your head.
Chin up - and be strong, don't beg her and don't accept her if she returns...
Be angry that she used you for her own selfish reasons-because if you look at it objectively it is exactly what she did.. and you deserve better than that. Be happy that she's out of your life.

Yea she let me go... then it turned into "well if you can do this for me" then we'll give this another chance. She asked me to "give her space. she didn't want affection or loving things ONLY if she wanted it. i had no input. ok....what if i did that for her...would i still be the guy being strung along, waitin for her to come through? what if i get strung along and a month down the road she tells me "you know, I like this, I'm better off without you" THAT. im not a puppet for entertainment.i basically hung out with her last night...i tried my best to do this. try it out. NEGATIVE. i can't. i told her how i felt about her on the way home from a show, and she did NOT like that. and freaked out on me. and hasnt talked to me since. fun huh? s killing me inside right now, but i wanna get over this. thanks for your input man. really appreciate it. side note* she also told me a few days ago that "she wants to make sure she's in this for the right reasons" and she also came here a few days ago with a weird look on her face...and i kept asking her whats up? whats the deal....and she was like "I don't think I'm fully over my ex" haha... im ed. Done.

Your in pain, and shock and need to heal. No more contact with her, as you let the emotional dust settle. It will hurt, but it will get better. Click on the links in my signature, for some good suggestions on what to do next. Sorry for your loss.

Thanks a lot man. You won't believe what she just called me with now... she calls crying her eyes out, and tells me "i need to tell you something that will probably make you never want to talk to me again" so I go "OH BOY, here we go!" (to myself that is). She hesitates, then I ask "well come on" and she goes "i cheated on my ex boyfriend, and he never knew" so I ask her "did you feel any regret after that, and she goes "I felt a lot of that" so I told her she needs to forgive herself. Geez, gives me a whole new standpoint. I'm not going to settle to be cheated on. Ugh. After all the time she tells me that. Does she know she is wrong all along, and she wants me to feel sorry for her now? I told herself I would put myself through some more pain to help her out with this situation. I told her she needs to forgive herself and needs someone to talk too. AND NOT FREEZE UP ALL THE TIME. Pour it out to me. Bad idea right? Yes it probably is.

Initiate the NCR immediately.

[QUOTE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SolRosenberg

she also slept with this guy(i guess loneliness is a factor) once before we started dating. it destroyed me. But I stuck by her side. Talked her through it. Was very hard to deal with. But I cared about her enough...

I was also in a 3 year or so relationship... but for some reason I was never able to TRUST her. When we would go out I would always get panicky, frustrated, just want to go up to her constantly and tell her like "hey dont forget...i care about you a lot" but why do I feel the need to be compulsive about that?. screwed me up a lot, and made me really angry all the time....some reason , i was always paranoid and insecure, all the things girls hate about guys. i just wasn't in control....

So after the girl I'm dating now, was out of her relationship... and I was out of mine for quite some time... we met... I like her a lot. We share much more interests, and we get a long great when we are together. But when we are not together. I'm a nightmare... I just constantly think about what she's doing. She recently told me I need to take a step back and give her some space. I didn't have this problem with the past relationship... but this one is different. What I want to know is... is it possible I took all of the pain and anger and frustration from the past relationship... into this new one? I seem to be so worried all the time about maintaining this relationship, when all I want to do is be stronger about this, and make her happy. I been so consumed with this, I'm getting in really bad places and states of mind.------and I'm like a SUPER emotional guy, and i want her to be emotional with me,

I guess jumping into this relationship was a bad idea... right now all I want to do is call her up (shes at the bar with friends ugh) and tell her how much I feel for her... but its too much... quote]

You guess loneliness on her part.. and this was BEFORE you started dating, and this destroyed you??

Your ex was flirty, and you were not able to TRUST her - after three years??

Did I underline the wrong hint in your entire post here? I don't think so...

Stop now and listen to yourself talk... you are so involved with YOU that there is not room for you to care or trust anyone unless you have control over them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.. and guess what - even then you won't be sure. You are right, you are insecure and this is the main reason you are freaked out...

So, before we get any deeper into this, take a look at yourself again, go on a sabatical and see if you can stand to be alone with yourself and like yourself before you include anyone else in your universe.

If you don't figure out what this is leading you into and how to get out of this, you will never be able to be happy with her or anyone else in the future. Please get to know yourself first. Get help in finding out what in your past has made you so determined to go on the road to self-destruction and mistrust in all others around you.

Good luck dear, I sincerely hope you find well deserved peace of mind soon - stop suffering!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Quote:

Originally Posted by SolRosenberg

ive been dating this girl for about 4 months now. we started dating about 2 months after she got out of a serious 3 year relationship. she also slept with this guy(i guess lonelyness is a factor) once before we started dating. it destroyed me. but i stuck by her side. talked her through it. was very hard to deal with. but i cared about her enough....

I was also in a 3 year or so relationship....she was flirty...but she was always good to me....she always was there for me..etc...but for some reason i was never able to TRUST her. when we would go out i would always get panicky, frustrated, just want to go up to her constantly and tell her like "hey dont forget...i care about you a lot" but why do i feel the need to be compulsive about that? she already knows. a lot of that type of stuff happened for a LONG time. i also was in the process of getting rid of some friends who i was just not getting a long with anymore, but SHE became friends with my friends...so i had to see them still...screwed me up a lot, and made me really angry all the time....some reason , i was always paranoid and insecure, all the things girls hate about guys. i just wasn't in control....

So after the girl im dating now, was out of her relationship....and i was out of mine for quite some time...we met...i like her a lot. we share much more interests, and we get a long great when we are together. but when we are not together. im a nightmare...i just constantly think about what shes doing. she recently told me i need to take a step back and give her some space. i didnt have this problem with the past relationship...but this one is different. what i wanna know is...is it possible i took all of the pain and anger and frustration from the past relationship...into this new one? i seem to be so worried all the time about maintaining this relationship, when all i wanna do is be stronger about this, and make her happy. i been so consumed with this, im getting in really bad places and states of mind. she is not liking this. today we got into a scuffle because for some reason, after she got out of her past relationship...she never seems phased by too many things at all. she said she didnt even cry. she is like frozen or something. and im like a SUPER emotional guy, and i want her to be emotional with me, explain her problems with me. just talk to me. today i got down on my knees and tried asking her if she can open up to me....and it freaks her out...she turns away...she says im being too pressuring.and i dont want to be. she said she just needs some time to figure things out. is this my problem? can a emotional guy, and a girl like her, in her state right now, work out? we have problems all the time, im always fighting with her about this. i want more out of her, and i dont get it. its soo hard. but we both like each other enough where we dont wanna let each other go. is there any steps i can do for her to help her understand that im here for her, and try to make her open up more to me? or is it best to just let her be and do her thing?

i guess jumping into this relationship was a bad idea....right now all i wanna do is call her up (shes at the bar with friends ugh) and tell her how much i feel for her...but its too much...she doesnt like it. i feel like im in love with her. sorry for the incredibly long message, but you people are great and reliable. any suggestions would help immensely.thanks.

Hey dude, Just give her space. Let her have time. When people break up (or get broken up with) in more specific they can't help but concentrate more on the good times than the bad, so it makes them feel at first like they may have done the wrong thing by ending it. I am not saying she wants to go back, but sometimes people think the problems that existed in the past relationship will continue into the next, ESPECIALLY if it was something they view as their fault. She just needs time to get over the past relationship and see that there are better people out there. She will realize in time how good a guy you are, but don't give up the chase. Women like a challenge as much as men, and if you are 'On your knees' in front of her then not only does she feel pressured, but that beginning of a relationship excitement isn't there.

Give her some time. She knows you are there for her and she will come to you if and when she is ready. But there is NO way to make her see you any better. She is pre-occupied with other thoughts, so let her vent, have some fun and get over the past before moving on to the future. Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SolRosenberg

i told herself i would put myself through some more pain to help her out with this situation. i told her she needs to forgive herself and needs someone to talk too. AND NOT FREEZE UP ALL THE TIME. pour it out to me. bad idea right? yes it probably is.

DON'T HELP HER!!!!
It is now time to HELP YOURSELF!!!!

Dear Sol, you've learned a real hard lesson here within a few short days. Believe me, you'll be better off just taking a break from any and all intimate relationships for a while. You need time to heal - seriously heal... from your past relationship as well as this one.

While in the healing process, you should also take a look at why you put yourself into positions like this. Are you looking for punishment and looking to be used? Do you seem to open yourself up to 'playing' the role of knight in shining armor and then falling off the horse?

There is a lot of work to be done here, and we will stay with you and help you each step of the way if you need us. So take off that armor, get naked - open up to us and take a second look at yourself to find out what made you so vulnerable.

So, now it's time to look up. You are already down so low - there is no other way but to ascend from where you are and it can only get better from now on.

Time, and your willingness to work on yourself will help you heal. And, we are here with you, so stay with us.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

That story sounds familiar... what's her name?

Its hard to hold onto things in this life, because nothing I really ours to hold onto.. this did sound doomed from the start though sadly, I think you was hurting from you 3 year relationship beforehand and you did transferance onto this girl.

Its OK man you'll find someone else

Just relax and try and do things that make you happy

Regards

Thanks a lot for all your responses. I really need to find a way to just cut off my emotions more often. Not just with relationships, but with a lot of things. And YES, I do need to learn how to relax! For gods sake! I'm so sick of drama.I should have just been her friend. And if all these feelings started creeping up anyway... then I should have faced it then and there, and did what I can to move away from it. But then again, everyone needs to take chances. I'm an idiot. I'm probably more of an idiot right now because I'm thinking I want to see her, and talk to her about just doing the friend business. Giving myself no time. I'm always just wanting to fix fix fix so quickly at a fast pace.

What I do to get things off my mind are:
Tasting a new type of tea
Trying out a new restaurant
Check out new style of music or literature
Wear myself out with exercise
Watching a lot of comedy, or even documentaries and Animal Planet.
Then there is always a good reason to rearrange the furniture and get new decorations for the place - it changes atmosphere to reduce the memories.

Anything is worth a try.

Again, good luck - you'll do just fine - and stay with us.

And STOP calling yourself an idiot! You are human, and we all go through this - it is as normal as breathing. Do not open wounds by thinking of 'friendship trip' with her. Make new friends and keep them at friendship distance - just for fun, laughs, entertainment, etc.

Quote:

I'm an idiot. I'm probably more of an idiot right now because I'm thinking I want to see her, and talk to her about just doing the friend business. Giving myself no time. I'm always just wanting to fix fix fix so quickly at a fast pace.

Your not an idiot at all. Just a guy who is learning a better way to go about things is all. Experience is a painful way to learn about yourself, and the world, but it is effective. Oh you thought "no pain, no gain" was just for fat people?? Think again, and remember the life lessons you have just learned.