Ask Me Help Desk - Yes, he is married

Yes, he is married

I have been living with a kind, sweet man, for 5 years. I did not find out he was married until we were together for 1 year. He has been separated from her for 7 years, but won't get a divorce until her Mother passes away because she will inherit a lot. He feels that she will then divorce him and she won't try to get any money from him. They do not see each other or have contact, other than a phone call every once in a while. He says be patient it will happen. He tells me he loves me 20 times a day and ask me to always stay with him. How long should I wait?

He lies...

Inheritance is separate property, so it's all hers. If they get divorce, he probably has to pay certain sum for spousal support which could be quite a lot. Assuming they stayed married for over 7 years.

Confront him... if he tells you to 'be patient', it's time to say ADIOS!!

It would be divorce or the highway. He is saying that money is more important than you are.

So, is he currently supporting his wife? But living with you? I am quoting from your post, the next sentence, which makes no sense to me: "He feels that she will then divorce him and she wont try to get any money from him." Then why not divorce him right now? Why wait until her mother passes away? There may be a way to trigger an end to alimony when her mother dies, so this does not make sense to me. Just curious: does his wife work outside the home? And, are there any minor children?

If he can string you along for a year, he will string you along forever. He knows you aren't to smart, he fooled you about being married for a year!!?!!!?!!

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Originally Posted by whattado

I have been living with a kind, sweet man, for 5 years. I did not find out he was married until we were together for 1 year. He has been separated from her for 7 years, but wont get a divorce until her Mother passes away because she will inherit a lot. He feels that she will then divorce him and she wont try to get any money from him. They do not see each other or have contact, other than a phone call every once in a while. He says be patient it will happen. He tells me he loves me 20 times a day and ask me to always stay with him. How long should I wait?

He may seem kind and sweet, but he lied to you for a year, and cares more about money than his relationship with you, AND he hasn't even done the homework to find out that he won't be getting his wife's inheritance. He's either dim or lazy or it's another lie. Run!

(Who knows how long the mother will live anyway... )

You deserve much better.

Sorry, whattado. I misunderstood perhaps from another post, thinking he expected to get something from this death. What makes him think that he will owe his wife a lot of money if they get divorced? Normally, when people are married, the assets they accumulate together are shared, but nothing else. If their marriage had lasted a long time, like 10 years, she might be eligible for alimony, but it sounds like the marriage was very short, so she probably wouldn't be. I assume there are no kids. So I can't see what he's so worried about. Is there more you haven't said?

Since they've been separated for at least 5 of the 7 years they were married, does community property apply for the time he's been with you? If it does, it would seem that the longer they stay married, the more he would have to pay if the separation doesn't change community property. On the other hand, if the separation ends community property, then he was with her 2 years or less and how much could he possibly owe her? I don't think anyone can advise you without knowing why he is waiting. I still doubt it is for a good reason. I agree with Fr. Chuck.

He's been with you longer, so maybe it's you he doesn't want to have to owe money to? I know this is harsh, but a person who thinks the way he does might have that in mind.

I have a friend that's in the same situation as you and me or anyone that knows her like it. She been with him for 10 years and lived with him for 7. He promise her years afters year he was going get a divorce and never did. Finally this Feb. she did because she got sick of being his mistress.

My cousin went through a divorce last year and he had to pay alimony to his ex wife because she never worked in the marriage and he had to pay it for 1 year.

In closing, your relationship starting with a lie because he was marry and did not tell you, I would have left and not stay. I a, against being involved with a married man when there are a lot of single ones walking around. As soon as a guy tell me I'm marry but, I turn around. I don't need something to come back at me years later down the road.

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but he does not want any money from her, he just wants her to divorce him.

This is one of the oldest lines in the history of adultery. If he wanted a divorce and YOU, he would have them already. He may want you but not the divorce. Then he can have his cake and eat it too.