Ask Me Help Desk - Am I being overly senitive?

Married 20 years and trying to spice up our sex life. Have the toys, etc. (not used as often as I would like). Several days ago we went to the store and picked out lingerie that both of us like. I wanted to go home and have some fun while on the other hand he wanted to go out. Needless to say no sex that night. The other night I wanted to surprise him so I slipped into the lingerie and waited for him to come to the bedroom. When he saw me he said "It looks nice, hone" put his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room. (no sex that night either) I really was trying to be sexy, so am I being overly senitive to his comment. Since then I have been hesitant to initiate for fear of rejection. Any advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaguarjivin

Married 20 years and trying to spice up our sex life. Have the toys, etc. (not used as often as I would like). Several days ago we went to the store and picked out lingerie that both of us like. I wanted to go home and have some fun while on the other hand he wanted to go out. Needless to say no sex that night. The other night I wanted to suprise him so I slipped into the lingerie and waited for him to come the bedroom. When he saw me he said "It looks nice, hone" put his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room. (no sex that night either) I really was tring to be sexy, so am I being overly senitive to his comment.

I have been there. It sucks, your not alone. A lot of women go through this. Here are some of the things I have learned:

* he could be cheating
*he may not be cheating, he may be stressed
*people are employees, employers, parents, spouses, etc sometimes they need some down time before they can just put the sexy lover hat on
*he could be having self doubts, self image issues
*he could be tired
* the ugly truth, he may want to finish without a start

He may have his own reasons and only he knows what they are, and it would be nice if he could communicate those to you, openly and honestly since this is a relationship. If not, see a counselor. Also, check Amazon out for the sex starved wife Amazon.com: sex starved wife

How often do you and your husband have sex per month?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaguarjivin

Married 20 years and trying to spice up our sex life. Have the toys, etc. (not used as often as I would like). Several days ago we went to the store and picked out lingerie that both of us like. I wanted to go home and have some fun while on the other hand he wanted to go out. Needless to say no sex that night. The other night I wanted to suprise him so I slipped into the lingerie and waited for him to come to the bedroom. When he saw me he said "It looks nice, hone" put his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room. (no sex that night either) I really was tring to be sexy, so am I being overly senitive to his comment. Since then I have been hesitant to initiate for fear of rejection. Any advice.

I'd say he's cheating or isn't not attracted to you anymore. Are you mean to him sometimes?

I'd say you need to talk to HIM about it.

If you can't talk about sex with your lover, then what the heck are you doing HAVING sex?

Sex without communication is like driving without eyes. Ask HIM what his problem is. Do it non-confrontationally--just say something like "hon, I was really hurt and felt rejected when you weren't interested in me in my new lingerie--is somethign wrong?"

He's the only one that can answer this for you.

These threads appear often and I repeat the kinds of things that can affect libido...

Does he exercise regularly? This is one of the things I feel makes a huge difference. One study of men who were statistically obese and experienced ED issues found half of them saw improvements in libido and performance simply by being on a regular exercise schedule. I'm fit and active, with a regular workout being a part of almost every day, but when I skip a few days due to schedule, I can tell the difference in my body's overall energy and my sex drive.

I think most men lose some drive along the way due to desensitization. A fav line of mine is that steel piercing hard-ons are wasted on 16 year old punks with nothing good to do with them. Meaning I once actually hit orgasm riding the bumpy school bus to school... how about that... my first orgasm brought about by another person was due to an old nun hitting all the pot holes? How twisted is that? ;)

Well... over time things change. Yes... the sight of a woman's bra strap can piqué my interest, but it isn't the same as when you are 16. Then, you don't know what a woman smells like, tastes like, you don't know so much that you need to know before you ever become a good lover... and then by the time you are a better lover, some of the mystery is gone. And I don't think that its entirely "personal"... I think its like watching violence on TV... see enough of it and you become desensitized.

So.. being 10 years into a relationship, how do we keep things running well when its no longer about the chase? We talk about it openly. And we still try to chase as best we can.

One thing we do is plan on a night out, without kids, at least once a quarter. This mean dinner, music and/or dancing, and a hotel room. Once we stayed in a hotel that was less than two miles from home. Wasted money? no. it was a way to reconnect and get out from under the house and all the things that come with it. It makes a difference. Its so easy to lose the couple in the noise of the family. It makes a difference.

Also, as men age there are clearly issues that can be tied to ED and performance concerns. Any issues in bed with longevity? Lots of things can affect this... stress, fitness, diet, meds, mental state, sleep, smoking, even simple aging changes the vascular system and can make a mans performance diminish... and anxiety about performance can clearly tie into drops in libido.

Studies show that young men with libido issues/ED often respond well to counseling... that its mostly a mental block present... but older men often have a number of little things add up that can suddenly create a problem... a lack of exercise plus a little higher blood pressure plus anxiety about performance plus normal desensitization equals a problem.

I'm not willing to say he is cheating. I'm not willing to say he isn't. I've seen monogamous men in long term relationships turn their back on sex as their drive diminishes. And clearly there's the other extreme, where he gets his elsewhere.

None of us can get into his head.

So all you can do is give him the chance to do the right thing. Talk it out openly. Tell him what's missing. Tell him how often you'd like sex. Tell him what you need.

If he doesn't respond well... then its time to take stock. Time for counseling? Time to step back? Time to live with it?

I'm sorry you are in this place. I'm hoping he's just not taking care his health and that's showing up in the bedroom by his neglect of you.

Time to talk it out and give him a chance to do the right thing.

I agree with you. I have seen my man work out and have high energy and drive and when he stopped so did all of that. Also, if a person does not feel good about themselves they may be less likely to be intimate. My previous relationship was for 10 years also, and there was just a point where it was routine, like you said, not as exciting. I mean, we could have tried anything and everything, but... it's not the same as when you have the excitement of the unknown. It's like watching the same movies over again. Not that there is anything wrong with that and for a lot it's comforting. Sadly, if that is the case there is almost nothing you could do about it I would guess. I mean, being in that position myself I had discovered that even if I was doing a variety of things to turn up the heat, the flame was still luke warm. It is something you two should talk about, you shouldn't have to guess. My hope is that you both, equally want to make it better, however that may be. In my case it was one of several things that aided in the beginning of the end. I once heard someone say "sex is a reflection of a relationship".

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

these threads appear often and i repeat the kinds of things that can affect libido...

does he exercise regularly? this is one of the things i feel makes a huge difference. one study of men who were statistically obese and experienced ED issues found half of them saw improvements in libido and performance simply by being on a regular exercise schedule. im fit and active, with a regular workout being a part of almost every day, but when i skip a few days due to schedule, i can tell the difference in my body's overall energy and my sex drive.

i think most men lose some drive along the way due to desensitization. a fav line of mine is that steel piercing hard-ons are wasted on 16 year old punks with nothing good to do with them. meaning i once actually hit orgasm riding the bumpy school bus to school... how about that... my first orgasm brought about by another person was due to an old nun hitting all the pot holes? how twisted is that? ;)

well... over time things change. yes... the sight of a womans bra strap can pique my interest, but it isnt the same as when you are 16. then, you dont know what a woman smells like, tastes like, you dont know so much that you need to know before you ever become a good lover... and then by the time you are a better lover, some of the mystery is gone. and i dont think that its entirely "personal"...i think its like watching violence on tv... see enough of it and you become desensitized.

so.. being 10 years into a relationship, how do we keep things running well when its no longer about the chase? we talk about it openly. and we still try to chase as best we can.

one thing we do is plan on a night out, without kids, at least once a quarter. this mean dinner, music and/or dancing, and a hotel room. once we stayed in a hotel that was less than two miles from home. wasted money? no. it was a way to reconnect and get out from under the house and all the things that come with it. it makes a difference. its so easy to lose the couple in the noise of the family. it makes a difference.

also, as men age there are clearly issues that can be tied to ED and performance concerns. any issues in bed with longevity? lots of things can affect this... stress, fitness, diet, meds, mental state, sleep, smoking, even simple aging changes the vascular system and can make a mans performance diminish... and anxiety about performance can clearly tie into drops in libido.

studies show that young men with libido issues/ED often respond well to counseling... that its mostly a mental block present... but older men often have a number of little things add up that can suddenly create a problem... a lack of exercise plus a little higher blood pressure plus anxiety about performance plus normal desensitization equals a problem.

im not willing to say he is cheating. im not willing to say he isnt. ive seen monogamous men in long term relationships turn their back on sex as their drive diminishes. and clearly theres the other extreme, where he gets his elsewhere.

none of us can get into his head.

so all you can do is give him the chance to do the right thing. talk it out openly. tell him whats missing. tell him how often youd like sex. tell him what you need.

if he doesnt respond well... then its time to take stock. time for counseling? time to step back? time to live with it?

im sorry you are in this place. im hoping hes just not taking care his health and thats showing up in the bedroom by his neglect of you.

time to talk it out and give him a chance to do the right thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amIwrong

I once heard someone say "sex is a reflection of a relationship".

And the problem is compounded sometimes by the differences in how some approach sex and the health of the relationship.

For ex, my partner completely agress that if all is going to hell outside the bedroom, that a lack of intimacy is bound to follow. If her head isn't in the game, its just not going to work at all.

From a different angle, when we were working though a couple of big projects, and under stress to get things done on time, I was climbing the walls because sex had fallen off. For me, a little personal attention, even when other things are rough, could give me the "boost" to keep fighting the fires that were going on.

We weren't fighting about sex, just having different responses to the same stressful situation... her libido dropped, and mine increased.

So I agree that its possible that what happens in the bedroom can reflect what's happening outside the bedroom. Though we've also had our share of people writing in with the "he/she is perfect except theres no sex" posts too...