Hi everyone, any help in this matter that anyone can give will be greatly appreciated.
I don't know exactly what I'm dealing with here so I decided to get input from others to help me understand this better.

I have a sister 3 yrs younger than me. We were raised in the same household together, but we have two different fathers.
Her father is my step father and raised me.
She & I shared a room.
There is another daughter also, an older one. I am in the middle.
From the time we were little girls, I had a good relationship with my step dad and his mother.
My younger sister didn't have a close relationship with him or his mother even though they are her real family members.

While we roomed together my younger sister would often lie a lot and steal from me.
I thought these were things she would grow out of but she hasn't, and we are both in our forties.
Her dad would often do nice things for me when I was younger, but that was mainly because I would always run behind him seeking love from him.
I would go to visit his mom everyday.
While I was in jr high school & high school, most of the kids in the neighborhood turned against me, called me names, rejected me and made me feel ostracized.
I never thought my hard times from the kids I went to school with had anything to do with my younger sister until as an adult she offered to allow me to live with her because I left my husband due to infidelity, and she did some things that were so offensive I don't even want to look at her face anymore.
The things she did caused me to wonder why?
In the process of wondering why, my mind went back to the things that had happened between us when we were younger, really things she had done to me that were also offensive and had hurt a lot.
There was no doubt in my mind that while I was thinking the things she had done when we were younger were things she would grow out of, I was wrong because evidently she was still doing things to me as an adult, which showed me there was a problem still.

I feel like my younger sister hates me, but I can't figure out why she would hate me, unless its because she feels I got attention she should have got from people like her step dad, and grandmother.
But she had the same opportunities I had to form relationships with them that I did.

She has done some seriously attrocious things and sometimes I wonder if its envy/jealousy causing her to do these things.

Here are some of the things she has done; As a child/teen she:

Stole my jewelry more than once
Stole the bike my stepdad gave me
Stole my clothes & money
Refused to do her chores
Messed around with a guy I liked for a long time while in a sleeping bag with him
Did things she knew was wrong and lied about who really did it to my stepdad to get me in trouble.
Ate the food my stepdads mom gave to me to bring home.
Tried to ruin my character/reputation by saying negative things about me to everyone in the neighborhood behind my back.
Jumped into the arms of one of my boyfriends, wrapping her legs around his waist when he came to visit one day. (He was so shocked, he looked at me with a surprised/questionable look on his face, as if to ask me what is this? I was so embarrassed all I could do was shrug my shoulders.
Coveted everything I had to include my boyfriends

As an adult she:

Invited me to live with her in her home under the pretense of helping me when I left my husband, and offered that I could live there rent free & without paying bills until I got on my feet, but would later (1 week later) accuse me of not giving her any money for anything, accuse me of treating her children like S***, and tell me she wanted me out of her house that day, knowing I had no where else to live.

Offer to help me get a job by talking to others she knew (at least that's what she told my mom) but behind my back, talk to those very same people she told me to go to to fill out applications with, and fill their heads with a bunch of negative lies about me so they wouldn't hire me. She was sabotaging me behind my back.

Tell me to my face I could take my nephews out somewhere to get to know them better, but behind my back talk to one of her girlfriends about taking them somewhere on the very same day and time I was scheduled to take them, so I couldn't take them.

Lied to my male friend who called, saying I wasn't home.

Try to portray me to her boyfriend as being a liar by saying "I hope she is not lying" when he told her I had found an apt.

While I was married and living with my husband, call me one day out of the blue under the pretense of being concerned about me because of a storm coming in the direction of the place I lived, talk to me on the phone all of 2 minutes, and then turn around and ask me where is my husband as if she wanted to talk to him. (A man she never met & someone she didn't know and someone I never introduced her to )
When I said he is around here somewhere, and she realized I wasn't going to call him to come to the phone to talk to her, she hangs up with me and never calls me again.

Calls me to tell me my elder sister is a B****, and when I wouldn't play into that, she never calls with that again.

Calls me to tell me she is bitter with her father because of something to do with her name, but after me questioning her reveals to me she never attempted to talk it out with him on her own. And after questioning her she reveals to me she wants me to try to talk to him for her. I refused.

Calls me to voice her dissatisfaction about her father marrying another woman who was about the same age as my elder sister. ( I'm not sure what she wanted me to do about these things when she called at these times, unless it was to insert myself into the situations causing conflict and problems for myself and these people, and to create division between me and them)

Whenever she sees me, makes comments on the types of shoes I have on, or the clothes I am wearing, or the jewelry I have on like "I like your ______"(insert whatever it is in the blank) as if she wants it for herself.

Makes comments like "We should go visit grandma" (As if she is trying to poke me with a pointed stick about the relationship I had with her grandma, knowing she never went to visit her when she was younger and never cultivated a relationship with her then, so why bother now?)

Say things to me to get me to get angry so I will say something (since I've always been outspoken & she knows it) and look bad to everyone around.

Say negative things to others in the family behind my back, including calling me a liar (knowing that she is the one who practises lying )

Accuse me of messing with her boyfriend (Even though it never occurred to her that I have morals and #1 Do not mess with my sisters boyfriends as if I'm desperate & #2 The types of men she chooses for her boyfriends are not the type of men that appeal to me, they are not my taste in men)

Attempting to ruin my reputation with her friends & her eventual husband, before they even meet me ( I Know because most of them have treated me hostily upon meeting me for the first time, and I didn't understand why since they didn't know me. The women would look me up and down as if to say "who the h**** do you think you are?")

Lie to me using the love I had for my nephews to get money out of me.

Lie to me saying she is going to do something to help me and never do it & keep me waiting around all day without hearing from her as if to psychologically torture me.

Lie to my mother and tell her I am her favorite sister, all the while doing things to sabotage me, my life, and my relationships behind my back & my mothers.

Put my life in danger by supposedly giving me a ride somewhere only to stop the car in a dangerous (drug infested) part of town & at night & kick me out and drive off, soon after I had come to live with her, causing me to depend on someone I hardly knew to help me by coming to get me and give me a ride, and knowing that I wouldn't know where I was since I was new to the state.

Turn my nephews and other family members against me by speaking evil about me behind my back.


These are most of the things I can remember that she has done, yet she will tell me to my face that she loves me!
Call me crazy but these types of behavior do not exhibit love to me, but abuse, and I'm trying to figure out why would my sister hate me so much?

Some things I've figured is she is jealous/envious of the relationships I've had with her father and grandmother.
She is jealous of how my mom used to say I was so smart when we were younger.

Other than these things I can't think of anything else.

Although there is one thing, her father used to abuse us as children at times.
Not sexually, but physically, and he at one time burned her hands, and put them into an open flame because she wouldn't stop playing on a stove.

Can my sister blame me for that abuse in a indirect way & resent me for the close relationship I had with him? Maybe somehow thinking in a twisted way that I approved of what he did to her?
She was young when he did it and sometimes at a young age, we tend to cultivate the wrong thoughts without having a good understanding.

I am so confused and hurting because I cannot talk rationally to anyone else in the family.
THey are all against me and say I need help.
But in my opinion I think my younger sister needs help.
Certain members of my family have even called me a liar when I tried to tell them some of the things she has done.
This has hurt me immensely and caused a rift between me and my family members who I love very much that I don't know how to bridge.

Looking forward to all input thanks

I am so sorry you are and have been experiencing so much negative and hurtful things in your life with this sister. Many things go into making a person who they are. Lack of self-eseteem, lack of self-love, jealousy as you mentioned, envy, fear, control issues, all can come into play.

I realize these things you have shared here in this post have taken place over a long period and probably there were some kind times between that made you believe she was trying to have a good relationship with you.

Have you ever heard the saying, "A lie will go half-way around the world before the truth gets it's boots on."?

At the present time, I would say she is toxic to you. One ever wins by trying to convince someone else that another person is doing wrong or that they are doing right or have not done what is being said they did.

Time to step back from the family, give yourself some time for your emotions to level out and find some peace of mind. Give yourself time to heal from the emotional upheavel. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Distance, at this time, yourself from your sister and as much as is within you to do so, the rest of your family. I don't mean take a big stance about it. Just stay busy with your activities. As you feel led, write a short note to those you love dearly and just state that you sure do love them and miss them but have been really busy. You hope to connect with them soon.

When you begin to heal from the hurts and realize it is not within your power to fix the situation or your sister, you will be better able to come back around your family little by little and enjoy their company.

If something is said or done offensive to you while you are around family, by this sister, I suggest you ignore it, smile, say gentle goodbyes and excuse yourself to take care of some pressing business. (The pressing business being keeping some sanity in your life) :)

Some people are enablers. It sounds that perhaps you have been an enabler by continually being in her path and accepting help when needed (no one can fault you for that, you were in need and too trusting but that is better than never trusting anyone).

Human nature is to pounce on the victim many times. Don't allow yourself to be the victim any longer. Just realize that your sister has some deep issues to resolve. You can't fix those problems or resolve them for her. I imagine she does these things to most people in her life.

Remove yourself from the situaiton, take time to heal, resist the temptation to explain or take up for yourself when you hear something she has said. Be proactive for yourself. That doesn't mean you have to be mean to her but you do need to be kind to yourself.

I wish you the best and I am sure other's will come along here and post some good suggestions also.

My heart breaks for you in the hurts you feel. To be lied about is painful and one of the most difficult things to deal with because you just can't go around putting out fires someone else has set all the time. Again, be good to yourself, distance yourself for a time, just stay busy and don't give in to the temptation to trust this sister. Hopefully, there will be a time that you can trust her and reestablish a healthy relationship but for now, just concentrate on making you the best you can be and keeping your spirits up. Best to you!

(My heart does go out to each member of your family as well because everyone is being affected by this problem. Perhaps things happened to your sister that you are unaware of to cause her to be the way she is right now, but still, you have a responsibility to yourself to step back, and heal from some of these hurts. People have a tendency if they know someone has problems to excuse their behavior or explain it away. I don't believe that is the answer, it just perpetuates the behavior.)

Thanks Jrebel7 for answering my question.
Now that I remember, I don't think she ever tried to have a real relationship with me.
That's part of what bothers me, neither she nor the rest of the members of my family have never really tried to get to know me, but insist that they do.
They've never really spent any quality time with me or had any meaningful conversations with me to get to know me.
When I was in my 20's I left America & my family to go off on my own, and only tried to interact with members of my family in my late thirties.
But they all swear they know me.
They have nothing positive to say to me and they only criticize everything I say and do.
Since they are all women, & I know women usually have problems with other women, I wondered if this might have something to do with it.
But the thing that bothers me the most is I thought because they were family they would accept me as I am, but they don't & it's really bothering me because I don't know why.
As far as I can remember through all the hurtful things they've said and done to me, I've always forgiven and shown love & never retaliated or said anything critical or ugly to them.
I say them because although I've written about my sister, it's actually her, my mother & my other sister who treats me this way.
I realized in my twenties that they were toxic for me hence me going away off on my own, but I always hoped after time we could have a healthy relationship with each other.
I know what I have to do, but it's painful to even think about.
But anyway, thank you for responding.
Let me just say as well that I've struggled with my own self esteem issues over the years because of this situation, but I worked on myself, educated myself with self help books about issues like this, and tried to understand myself better.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
Since this has happened recently, I feel as though all the work I've done to better myself is all coming unraveled. I am slipping into a deep depression, where I don't want to do anything much less take care of myself & I'm feeling the old struggle I had with self esteem returning.
I know you are not a Doctor, but sometimes it helps just to talk about it.
If anyone else has any thoughts on this matter, I would appreciate your input as well.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hurtn2

Thanks Jrebel7 for answering my question.
Now that I remember, I don't think she ever tried to have a real relationship with me.
That's part of what bothers me, neither she nor the rest of the members of my family have never really tried to get to know me, but insist that they do.

Since this has happened recently, I feel as though all the work I've done to better myself is all coming unraveled. I am slipping into a deep depression, where I don't want to do anything much less take care of myself & I'm feeling the old struggle I had with self esteem returning.
I know you are not a Doctor, but sometimes it helps just to talk about it.
If anyone else has any thoughts on this matter, I would appreciate your input as well.

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I was happy to answer your post. There will be others answer later on. Sometimes it takes a bit of time for others to run across a particular thread.

Please don't despair. I know, easier said than done. You mentioned that you felt your family was toxic to you the reason you left earlier. I know we grow up thinking family is our base and our strength. Although I have a good family base, they fail me. I accepted Jesus Christ into my life and have found He never fails me. Friends will, family will but He never will.

You are right, I am not a doctor or an expert of any kind but I will read your posts and do my best to be an ecourager to you. There were some family members (extended family) that I always wanted to love me like they appered to love others in the family. Maybe they did. I never felt it and I wasted many years spending time with them, hoping to make them love me, rather than spending more time with those more accepting perhaps. Life sure can give us some crazy turns. It would be nice if we all came with guide books but the only guide book I know of is the Bible and even though I do read it and study it, I fail every day. We are all human.

The age you are right now might have something to do with you really feeling a need to connect with your family while when you were in your 20's, you just removed yourself and moved on. They could possibly resent that you left and continue to shut you out because they feel you shut them out or they may just be mean spirited. Hard to say from just a few words on a page and I wouldn't try to make a judgment of any kind on anyone. Just putting thoughts out here for you to consider as you work through the emotions of this situation.

Please keep posting. There will be others that can shed more light on this than I. Just know you are not alone. Depression is tough to get out of, knowing you are not alone, does help to some degree even though we are only "virtual' since this is on line but you will find, there are so many warm and loving people on this site. Many of whom I feel a closer relationship than with some of my friends here in town. They consistently get with me online, private message, join in on some of the same posts, etc. Just hang with us on the site long enough to allow others to encourage you. No one needs to feel alone and you are not. I am here and others will be also.

I do understand when you say that you feel things are coming unraveled. I went for a long time after receiving a self-love from the Lord, of having total peace and felt very directed but circumstances came in and made me feel a bit unraveled. Sometimes we just have to voice those things, step back, look at the situation, makes some good healthy choices for ourselves and begin again. All is not lost that you have gained in your quest to better yourself.

Keep posting your thoughts and feelings, providing updates, etc. Don't give up on finding a resolve to this situation. Take care! Until later then! :) Know you are not alone!

I would like to answer your post but my answer will undoubtedly be a long one and I'm sorry, my time is very limited until Monday or Tuesday of next week. I will try to work on it a bit on the weekend.

I do want to tell you that I agree with jrebel7 wholeheartedly! Try to keep in focus that your family has always been dysfunctional, so the behaviors exhibited by your sister are just part of that cycle. A lot of it is probably due to abuse and her emotional withdrawal as a result of that.

You have obviously made tremendous gains in life and please don't allow this to pull you back into a pit of depression. Please do keep posting! I'll be back with more as soon as possible.

Hugs, Didi

Dear Hurtn,

It's time you take care of yourself and isolate yourself from the ongoing pain and wonderment of why so much hateful acts come your way. I hurt for you.

I say hateful acts of your sister, because that's what they are, but she probably does love you, she, herself, is in much need of some help. But you have been the dumping ground for her unhealthiness far too long and it's due time you cut yourself away from it and find a healthy place for yourself.

I strongly recommend talking to a therapist of some sort. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because a lot of unkindness and terrible acts have been done to you.

The only thing you can do, as far as those members in your family who have hurt you, is to let go. Let go of the pain they inflicted on you. By holding on to it, only causes reinjury to yourself. I can almost guarantee that if it were someone else in your shoes, they would treat them the same way, so IT IS NOT YOU.

I feel for your sister as well, she is misplacing all her hurt and upset for your Dad, onto you. But you have to not put yourself in a posistion where that can be done to you any longer.

When she phones you, tell her you love her and want what is best for her, but that you now need time to yourself to heal from the many hurtful things that has been done to you. You don't have to go into detail, she's done them, she knows what they are. Keep it brief to ensure no more ugliness is aloud to slip in.

If you are religious, pray for them. Ask God to watch over them and to free you from all of this hurt and pain.

If you are not, just take some quiet time and in your heart and mind, forgive them, let it all go, be determined that you won't allow anymore to come your way, and sincerely in your heart want the very best for all of them. And then... it's time for you. Time to heal, time to cry and let it all out.

I will keep all of you in my thoughts.