I have a dilema obviously... My boyfriend of 1 year has just turned 30 and I'm 20. Our age difference never really bother me but it does bother other people and now recently it's bothered me. He never wants to go to the clubs anymore or do fun young people stuff like I do. I understand he's older now but I'm not even 21 yet... I'm trying to PARTY! But he's not. Last night he proposed to me and I accepted but I know me and him are not on the same page. He wants children within the next 2 years and I don't want any for at least 5 more years. I feel like I'm being selfish but am I? I don't want to end this relationship I really love him, but if I stay will I have to give up my youth? What should I do? There really no in between. It's not fair for me to want to continue this relationship and have him wait till he's in his mid 30's for children, but it's also not fair that I don't get to party like all the rest of the people my age. Is this party period of life (19-25) really as important as all my friends say it is or is it just a waste of time?

My boyfriend/ fiancé is also paying my way through college... keep that in mind.

OK.. first..

Do you want to party because your friends say you should or you have a serious desire for drugs, hangovers, and sex with people you don't know and probably won't after?

Second, You need to talk to him and make sure before you go any further in this relationship, that you both are very clear on what you want out of life. IE: kids, Marriage, Ect..

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

riod of life (19-25) really as important as all my friends say it is or is it just a waste of time?

My boyfriend/ fiance is also paying my way through college... keep that in mind.

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So, are you afraid of losing him because you won't get your college paid for? If your answer is no then does it really matter. If the answer is yes, then...

There have been a number of questions over the years about whether age matters in a relationship. The general consensus has been that, as long as both parties are adults its not an important facter, but it becomes very important when one party is a minor.

Now both of you are essentailly adults, but your situation illustrates VERY well why age IS a factor in a relationship. Your b/f is an adult, he wants to settle down, raise a family etc. While you are chronologically an adult, you still have a bit of the kid in you. You want to enjoy life, have fun etc. There is NOTHING wrong with that at your age, but you should not be in a relationship with someone who has outgrown that phase of life.

If he really loves you, then he will wait until you outgrow the phase you are in. But you I see you heading for divorce if you marry in the next 5 years.

Give him back his ring and explain that while you still have feelings for him (I hope its not just gratitude) you think you are being unfair to him because you are both at different stages of your lives.

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Originally Posted by Smoked

ok..first..

Do you want to party because your friends say you should or you have a serious desire for drugs, hangovers, and sex with people you don't know and probably won't after?

Second, You need to talk to him and make sure before you go any further in this relationship, that you both are very clear on what you want out of life. IE: kids, Marriage, Ect..

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I have no desire to party like that but I do like the club scene and dancing and having a few drinks. We have talked about kids... marriage.. etc, I lied and told him I wanted babies soon too because he rated the importance of having children with the next 2 years on a scale of 1 to 10 an 11! Telling him the truth could crush our relationship. Do you think secretly continuing my birth control will make things worse?

A relationship has to be based on trust. You are already talking about sneaking behind his back and are lying to him. I don't see a future here.

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

I have no desire to party like that but I do like the club scene and dancing and having a few drinks.

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Well, I don't see why he wouldn't want to go out on occasion and I wouldn't expect that to be a make or break issue in a relationship.

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

we have talked about kids... marriage.. etc, I lied and told him I wanted babies soon too because he rated the importance of having children with the next 2 years on a scale of 1 to 10 an 11! Telling him the truth could crush our relationship.

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But you based his concept of what you want on a lie and now that it's coming to a head you are not on the same page. Best thing you can do at this point is try to address it and explain that you may have been less then honest about this topic in the past.. Honesty now is the only thing that will work here.

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Do you think secretly continuing my birth control will make things worse?

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Chrissy, this should not even be an option. (note: not an option to lie.. Keep taking your birth control at your choice)You really need to resort to honest options and not entertain things like this. Deception leads to all sorts of problems and the list is to long for me to type. You need.. You must be honest with him if you want this relationship to be a success.

I say meet him half way. You say 5, he says 2. so how about 3.5? Relationships don't need ultimatums, just a little flex. Trust me the party scene is so boring after a year or two, maybe you will want them at the same time as him.

Just read the sneak birth control line, jesus that's sneaky and immature. Just talk to him and compromise.

If you want to make a go of this relationship, then I strongly suggest pre marital counseling. But everything you are saying indicates that you are not happy with what he wants for the future. Unless you can find a middle grounbd you both can agree on, your relationship will probably not last.

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Telling him the truth could crush our relationship. Do you think secretly continuing my birth control will make things worse?

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Give this guy a break, and set him free to find someone who is ready for what he wants, and can be an honest partner. You aren't it. This whole relationship is based on lies to get what you want from him, and will never make either of you happy. If you can't be honest with a partner,r and work together, what's the point? The sad part is your using him, and that just isn't right, no matter what age you are. This is a lousy example of love in my opinion, and a bad example of a relationship. Ended it. The sooner the better and pay for your own college education. Stay on birth control, as that's the last thing you need is to be a mother before you grow into responsible adulthood.

Is it genetics or American culture that make people think that lying is better than simply compromising/talking things out? Sneaking birth control! Jesus that pisses me off and I am not even dating her