Hello,

I figured this to be the best forum to ask my question, so apologies if it's not.

Me and a buddy of mine were in a car one day coming back from a restaurant and he jokingly asked me, "You're not...you know...", basically asking me if I was gay because I didn't find this girl he pointed out in the street to be attractive. I didn't answer him to see what type of reaction he would have, he then started to freak out - "jokingly", but there was a definite and serious undertone beneath all of that "humor." I then questioned him as to whether it would matter if I was gay, and he said "yes". And he also said that he could not associate with me any more if I was - smirking all the way through his sentence, because I believe he didn't want to make it seem as if he was serious, when in actuality, he really was.

My question is this: Is it wrong of me to recent friends because I personally feel that they would (what seems) literally disown me at the drop of a dime? Does this speak mountains of a persons character and of how much they truly value a friendship or am I digging deep on this one? Am I off to think that there is more to this situation than meets the eye? People call you "brother" this and "brother" that when all is good, but then their "loyalty" starts to (more like completely) diminish the second they think your actions go against the grain or what they believe to be "right" or "wrong".

To be able to so easily disown a friend you've known for many, many years - someone you've had great times with, just doesn't sit right with me. Not saying I'm perfect, I'm far from - but me not being perfect doesn't neutralize other peoples disloyal actions.

Can it be that he simply doesn't appreciate me enough as a friend - or at all? Should I not be resentful, because my feelings say the opposite. I've tried considering how he feels about the situation, and even put myself in his shoes, but I still can't seem to find a good defense for him. I completely understand that some people are just extremely homophobic, but does that justify his, not only ignorance, but his lack of loyalty to a long-time friend? His comment (and actions way after that incident) proves to me that he would discontinue contact with me if I was gay, so it's not one of those, "Oh, he'll get over it" things - I'm positive he's convicted deep within about how he feels.

Anyway, I figured I'd just ask random people what they thought, because I'd rather have outside opinions from neutral sources rather than from my inner circle.

So, all helpful advice, comments, opinions are completely welcomed. :)

Thanks,
-Anthony

Honestly it sounds like he is uncomfortable in not knowing if you are "gay" or not. I don't think it is right to end a friendship based on that it doesn't change who you are or what type of friend you are whether you are gay or straight. It shouldn't matter one way or the other and if that person was a true friend I don't think they would be acting this way.

So much for being a friend!

Your friends should love you weather your black,white,gay or straight,short or tall,fat or thin and if they can't then they are not very good friends

Sometimes a friendship means accepting who someone is. You may not agree but that's the way he feels. By the same token, its your call whether to accept how he feels or not. Some friends are better than others. Some you can depend on no matter what, some ain't worth a rat's a$$. You'll be the one to judge, and deal accordingly. Strange, of all the people I have dealt with on many levels, I only have one who I know, can be counted on, as popular as I am!:D :eek:

Thanks for the quick response, concerned11.

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Originally Posted by concerned11

Honestly it sounds like he is uncomfortable in not knowing if you are "gay" or not.

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True. But I personally think it went beyond that considering the hypothetical question that was asked. I mean I literally asked him how he would feel if I was gay and he said that he couldn't handle it and would not be able to, basically, hang around me anymore. And I am almost certain that he was speaking from the heart when he said that.

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Originally Posted by concerned11

I don't think it is right to end a friendship based on that it doesn't change who you are or what type of friend you are whether you are gay or straight.

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Exactly!!

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Originally Posted by concerned11

It shouldn't matter one way or the other and if that person was a true friend I don't think they would be acting this way.

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That's exactly what I'm saying. If their words and actions weren't disingenuous prior to that incident (whether subconsciously or consciously) I don't believe he would so (and the keyword here being) easily disassociate himself with me.

Glad to know I'm not blowing this out of proportion.

I would feel the same way.. you are definitley not blowing it out of proportion. I hope things work out in this situation you need to do what is best for you and nobody else ;)

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sometimes a friendship means accepting who someone is.

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Even under these circumstances?

You sound like a level-headed person - would you be accepting of a long-time friend who not only wouldn't accept you, but within the second of making a specific statement on your personality (or whatever else), would disown you? Does it make me a not-so-good friend that I simply cannot accept that?

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Originally Posted by concerned11

I would feel the same way..you are definitley not blowing it out of proportion. I hope things work out in this situation you need to do what is best for you and nobody else ;)

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Thanks! :)

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Does it make me a not-so-good friend that I simply cannot accept that?

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My point was, that there are different levels of friendship. Where he falls is up to you. I have seen many people who say one thing, and do another, or who have a change of heart, when the chips are down. You never know. To judge a person from a hypothetical question, is speculative and premature, and basically not fair. In my opinion!