Ask Me Help Desk - I'm too critical

After an argument that led to a break up I suddenly realized that I am way to critical. My boyfriend said to me " I just can't do anything right, nothing I do is enough for you, you have something negative to say about everything I do." Then I realized that he was right. Everything he does I find something wrong with, I'm always telling him " dont do this, dont do that, dont say this , dont say that" and in the same breath I tell him to be himself. I also realized that I am like this with everyone. I constantly criticize myself, my kids, and all the work I do. Then it came to mind that I have destroyed every relationship that I've been in due to my critical attitude.

I've always set a high standard for myself and I've always expected the best. When I go out I always look my best and when I do something I do it 100% or not at all. I just expect others to do things the same way I do. I am suddenly realizing that even I cannot meet my own outrageous expectations. I'm just really not sure why I am doing this or how I can change it or stop it.

My boyfriend and I broke up last night on account of this, I just really need some advice or input. Please help I just don't understand this.

I know exactly what you mean... and I'm the same way.

I am a perfectionist, and I MUST get it right, EVERY single time.

This, of course, didn't make my ex happy, as she's kind of the care-free... laid back... it'll happen when it happens type. Of course, in the end, it didn't work out.

Obviously, you can't change overnight... but what I did was, I tried to get off MY high horse, and realized that I'm not perfect... and thus I can't expect others to be perfect.

... but mainly, I just stopped caring about whether other people get it right. I just worry about me. This may be the wrong way to go about it... but it's how I dealt with it.

Usually people don't change unless they see a darned good reason to. When its enough of a problem you'll change. It's a slow hard process, and just a matter of being courteous, to others, instead of abrasive, argumentative, and judgemental.

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I am suddenly realizing that even I cannot meet my own outrageous expectations.

That's a start, now try being nicer.

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Originally Posted by CaRRazyBootiful

After an arguement that led to a break up I suddenly realized that I am way to critical. My bf said to me " I just can't do anything right, nothing I do is enough for you, you have something negative to say about everything I do." Then I realized that he was right. Everything he does I find something wrong with, I'm always telling him " dont do this, dont do that, dont say this , dont say that" and in the same breath I tell him to be himself. I also realized that I am like this with everyone. I constantly critisize myself, my kids, and all the work I do. Then it came to mind that I have destroyed every relationship that I've been in due to my critical attitude.

I've always set a high standard for myself and I've always expected the best. When I go out I always look my best and when I do something I do it 100% or not at all. I just expect others to do things the same way I do. I am suddenly realizing that even I cannot meet my own outrageous expectations. I'm just really not sure why I am doing this or how I can change it or stop it.

My bf and I broke up last night on account of this, I just really need some advice or input. Please help I just dont understand this.

Your post is EXACTLY what I'm going through. My BF of four years was recently laid off so I thought planning a nice romantic long weekend may do both of us good. The only problem was, anything that could go wrong... did. The result was we came home not speaking and helf left angry. A couple of days passed and I got an e-mail (he lives an hour away). He told me he would call the following night to "settle" what's been on his mind since he got home. What he told me was that the weekend showed him that I expect things to be a certain way and when they aren't I have a difficult time dealing with it. He feels he can not make me happy (if he only knew how much he does) and that he "needed some time to put his life in order with a new job and to file for divorce (been separated 8 years). Then he dropped the bomb. He's decided to interview for a position in another state. Since it is a 5 hour drive, he cautioned me that if he accepted the position, all the discussion about our relationship would be a mute point. I came away crushed. While I know I am a good person, this is my flaw - to not show disappointment very well. Even at times to act childish about it.
What I have decided to do is stop a moment and think, before I react. Sometimes thinking out the situation and realizing that the way we interpreted something, isn't necessarily how it was intended.
As the interview is scheduled for tomorrow, I love him too much not to wish him the best, but deep inside, I know I could be facing the worst. Maybe if I had taken my own advice a week ago, things would be different as I write this note.

You got it from your parents. Try your best not to vocalize your complaints about other people, but you criticism of yourself will drive you to excel. Ask me how I know.

You need to learn to loosen up and look at things from different perspectives.
I have known perfectionists and I have known people who always say don't this and do that.
You need to realize that just because your perfect way to do something is not necessarily the best, the most perfect or the only way to do something.
Go out somewhere and have a general idea of where you want to go but don't make plans. Just do stuff spur of the moment and every time you catch yourself wanting to do something 'a certain' way do the opposite just to break your habit and help condition yourself to not jump into the conditioned way you think. Do things that you told others 'no not that way' and see how it feels to do it the way they were going to do it.

I believe I am this way too, more hypocritical though.

What I do is try to take a step back, focus on exactly what I'm mad about, and then analyze it over and over again to figure out why I'm feeling this way.

I've been working on it for quite some time now. I try to be as positive as I can towards everything I do.