Ask Me Help Desk - Everything was fine before but things changed out of the blue

Before I start I just would like to say that I have never asked for help online but a friend of mine told me of this site and the helpful people in it.

Am currently in a 6 month relationship with my girlfriend. In the beginning everything was fine. She would be very open and loving. She would want to talk to me all the time, she would text me all day. It was like she wanted my attention all the time and I loved it! At first I didn't open up to fast because I didn't want to get hurt. But I saw that it was OK to open up and be loving and show my feelings. So I did! It was great we hardly fought at all. Actually I don't think we ever fought the first 3 or 4 months. I was her world and she was mine.

But all of a sudden things change out of the blue. She would not be so loving or open any more. I would think that I was doing something wrong, that I was not making her happy. So I tried everything I could think of. I would try and talk to her to see what had happened. Why she changed and became some what cold. She never really gave me a straight answer so I was confused.

That's when all the problems started to happen. I would start getting butt hurt more often when she would want to hang out with her friends or not be so loving and open. I guess I would get upset because I would show her affection, love, openness so I expected the same but it never happened. Now there is always something wrong and it bothers both of us. We want to work on it but its hard when one is doing most of the work which is me.

Recently she went to mexico and came back very happy. She had a lot of fun over their with her sister. We had an argument when she came back and told me that she was happy over their because she did not have to worry about me getting mad about things. But the only reason I would get mad or why we have problems is because she has changed and does not show me the love, affection and openness that one needs from their loved one. Its weird, she told me she really cares about me and she doesn't want to lose me. But that she needs space. So we talked about it and ended up working it out.

The last 2days have been some what rough. We began arguing about the space issue again. I asked her why she needed space. And she told me because she had a lot of things on her mind and she explained them to me. They were legit so I said OK ill support you and give you space.

Last night we were talking on the phone and some how that issue came up again(space). We some what argued about it again! Then she told me that the reason she wants space is because she feels that we are married to a certain extent. That she feels that I only want her for me and no one els like her friends. And that is why she stopped being so loving and open with me. Because she doesn't want to feel like that but she does want a serious relationship that has a lot of trust that we won't do dumb things with others but at the same time feel some what free. Another factor that she added is that she is going to fresno state next year and their might be a possibility that I won't go their so she does not want to get hurt when the time comes that she has to leave.

All this confuses me a lot and I don't know what to do. Am lost in a way and am not sure what's going on... I would aprpreciate it if any one could help me and maybe a girls opinion would do the trick...

I know many of you are busy but if you could give me a minute of your time to give me an answer or help I would really appreciate it... Thank You!

Where to start with this one...
First some will say you are, but you aren't doomed. That being said, you need to make some changes to have a healthier relationship.

It sounds like the honeymoon stage is over. There are ways to help this, but to a degree, this will always happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zerou

All of a sudden things change out of the blue. She would not be so loving or open any more. I would think that i was doing something wrong, that i was not making her happy. So i tried everything i could think of. I would try and talk to her to see what had happened. Why she changed and became some what cold. She never really gave me a straight answer so i was confused.

Ok here we go.
1) Its not your job, right, or purpose to "make her happy." She and ONLY she is responsible for her happiness. If you keep trying to make her happy, it will drag you down and push her away. Instead, you need to BE happy and be responsible ONLY for YOUR happiness. If you are a happy person, then she won't have to worry about your happiness and she can be free to take charge of her own. Its easier to be happy around a happy person.
2) Bugging her about "whats wrong?" will only make her more unhappy. To be honest, she probably wasn't as unhappy as you thought she was until you started bugging the cr@p out of her about it. Just be the happy normal self that she started dating 6 months ago and not the worrying insecure guy you are being right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zerou

Thats when all the problems started to happen. I would start getting butt hurt more often when she would want to hang out with her friends or not be so loving and open. I guess i would get upset because i would show her affection, love, openness so i expected the same but it never happened. Now their is always something wrong and it bothers both of us. We want to work on it but its hard when one is doing most of the work which is me.

There is nothing wrong with her spending more time with friends and less time with you. This is healthy. You should do the same!! Ease up on the attention and affection you are givign her, because frankly, you are smothering her!! Have a life outside of her. Don't be so clingy. Stop doing all the work, because its only putting pressure on her and the situation. I know it feels like you are doing the right thing, because what you are doing is the natural thing. But intuition is leading you wrong in this case. You feel she is pulling away so you want to clamp down tighter, but what you actually need to do is relax your grip and give her and the situation room to breath. It's not easy, but you need to relax before the situation does get to bad to fix. You're killing yourself. STOP IT!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by zerou

Recently she went to mexico and came back very happy. She had a lot of fun over their with her sister. We had an argument when she came back and told me that she was happy over their because she did not have to worry about me getting mad about things. But the only reason i would get mad or why we have problems is because she has changed and does not show me the love, affection and openness that one needs from their loved one. Its weird, she told me she really cares about me and she doesnt want to lose me. But that she needs space. So we talked about it and ended up working it out

Were you upset she had a good time without you? She is being completely honest with you. SHE IS UNHAPPY BECAUSE YOU KEEP AGRAVATING THE SITUATION!! Stop acting so worrisome and insecure and just relax. Stop smothering her with attention. She told you what the problem is in plain English, something a lot of people don't do. LISTEN TO HER! Your language is showing how needy you are being. People don't like is when you are being too needy of them. Like I said earlier, have a life OF YOUR OWN. She CANNOT be your universe or the center of your world. This is too much pressure for anyone. Be an individual and have your own life. She is having hers, you should too. It sounds like whatever "working out" with her you did was only a bandaid for the symptoms and not a cure for the cause. Cure the cause before you become the disease, because if she figures out you are the cause, you won't like her cure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zerou

The last 2days have been some what rough. We began arguing about the space issue again. I asked her why she needed space. And she told me because she had a lot of things on her mind and she explained them to me. They were legit so i said ok ill support u and give u space.

STICK TO WHAT YOU SAID. Give her space and in the meantime, make a life of your own outside of her. Spend time with your friends and have fun without her. She should only be a part of your life, not the whole thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zerou

Last nite we were talking on the phone and some how that issue came up again(space). We some what argued about it again! Then she told me that the reason she wants space is because she feels that we are married to a certain extent. That she feels that i only want her for me and no one els like her friends. And that is why she stoped being so loving and open with me. Because she doesnt want to feel like that but she does want a serious relationship that has a lot of trust that we wont do dumb things with others but at the same time feel some what free. Another factor that she added is that she is going to fresno state next year and their might b a possibility that i wont go their so she does not want to get hurt when the time comes that she has to leave.

Again she is being honest with you. Even married couples have individual lives outside of each other. You have to otherwise you drive each other insane. You sound young, and you've only been together 6 months, you shouldn't be spending every waking second with her. Its not healthy to make her your whole world. You need to let her have a life outside of you, and you need a life outside of her. This is the way healthy mature relationships, even marriages, work. Learn this now, my friend, and it will save you a lot of heartache in the future. If you build this healthy relationship NOW you stand a better chance of surviving not going to the same school and being separated by distance. Not to discourage you dude, but most couples don't survive college. Do what you can to increase your odds. Even if you don't survive it, at least you will learn now while you are young something most people don't learn until they are much older and you will be able to have healthierm relationships in the future. That being said, I'm still hoping the best for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zerou

All this confuses me a lot and i don't know what to do. Am lost in a way and am not sure whats going on...I would aprpreciate it if any one could help me and maybe a girls opinion would do the trick...

I knw many of u are busy but if u could give me a minute of ur time to give me an answer or help i would really appreciate it...Thank You!

I may sound harsh, but better you hear this from me instead of her, because when you hear it from her, it will be over. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the Props KD33, but just FYI I'm a guy. :) Thanks though!

Thank You very much for your help SJB1701E I really appreciate it! Yea it sounds a little harsh but you are right.

But I am tryn to give her space and be the relax guy I was when we first met its just hard when your hit with a curve ball like this to get up and dust yourself off like nothing has happened. It just hurts to know that I might loser and their isn't much I can do.

I had one last question SJB1701E if you may help. Do u think she might of found some one els and if she has how can I tell?

Thank you SJB1701E for taking the time to read my question I really appreciate it!

Hey Zerou,

She probably feels like she is your world, try and give her the space she needs,

Get busy wioth your own friends and activities and do fun things apart from her,

You are prob getting a bit clingy and she is pulling away.

I think your feelings are much stronger than hers, and she really has a lot more on her mind concerning friends, and having her fun, than being in a serious relationship. She has her college in front of her, and I'll bet she isn't into carring this thing on long distance. I hope your enjoying things now, because whether she has a romantic interest in someone else, or not, she will not be taking any baggage (you) with her to college.

Had to spread the rep SJB, but your breakdown was right on point.

First, give her space. Something has happened in the relationship that she isn't willing to discuss (assumption by the sudden change of attitude). Remember fighting in relationships is not unnatural. It is terrible hard when you are in the situation, but work for her if you want her and don't if you don't.

Yeah I can see everyone's point, am going to try my best to get through this by using all of the advice everyone has given me. I will get back to every one soon to let you know what happens...

Thank you all(SJB1701E, rol, talaniman, Smoked) very much for your time and your honest anwers!

Follow what SJB said and you will save your relationship..
And stop making plans for the future..
I remember when I was 18 or so I got with a girl who was leaving in 3 months time.. and it would drag me down so bad. By the time she left she had dated 2 guys after me.
I live on uni campus now, when I was choosing my house for next year, I was imagining what my girlfriend would like and what she wouldn't like, where SHE would be comfortable too..
Now, my girlfriend is my ex-girlfriend... and I'm still on campus :)
You catch the drift.
Good luck.
Great advice SJB

Yea I think I catch your drift... and thank u

If any one would like to add any more advice pleas fill free to do so... it can only help
And for everyone reading this... learn from my mistakes so this won't happen to u :(

Hello everyone... this is just an update of the past couple of days.
I tried to fallow SJB advice (Thank you again) and gave her the space she wanted. However, we still hung out and talked. Not as much of course but their was still contact. It honestly did not seem like she wanted space at all, my close friend even saw that. So it was a little confusing. It was going good though. She started to concentrate more on her school work and the CSU she is going to. But she was still over whelmed. So I just tried to be their for her when she needed it.
One day though the conversation came up about our relationship. I had told her that if their was some one else or if she fell out of love to be honest with me and if that was the case I would let her go before we got hurt in any way. So we could end in good terms. But she nodded her head and said no that she wants to be with me and that she still feels the same way and there is no one else. That it's just her school work and other problems she told me about. After that I just let that subject be.
However, yesterday I made the biggest mistake I could ever make...
She went out for lunch with her close friend and two other guy friends which are also close. I normally do not mind but her friend moved to a new house and she wanted to show them the house. But it was just two guys and two girls; I don't know I just felt disrespected because I have never done that. I don't mind her going out with them but I just felt really weird when she told me that. She was text me the whole time and I even told her I would let her go but she didn't want me to. When she came back I told her how I felt and how I saw it. That it didn't look rite. She said that she understood how I felt but that it also depended on whom the people were (that they are with or I am with). I understood her point but I was still a little upset. (I know. I know. I mest up, now am single for it.)
The good thing is that we didn't end in bad terms. She told me that she feels that anything she does I won't agree with and that I will get mad. In any other words yesterday was the braking point. She said that she has a lot going on and that she doesn't want to be worrying about a relationship right now. I told her I understood and that it was fine. Now I see that we do need space to revaluate if this is what we really want. Before I dropped her off she told me, “I am not telling you this to make you feel better but... I love you and I can see you in my future and I want you in it just not now. I don't know why but I have a really strong feeling that we are going to be OK that after we graduate we are going to be back together." She also said that she still wants to communicate and be good. I was not to sure about it at first but I agreed.
That same night she sent me a txt saying if I still wanted to be her "FEO"( We gave each other nicknames FEA for her and FEO for me when we first started talking) I told her if that is what she wanted. She said yes. That left me confused though. I asked her what we were then. She asked me what I wanted to be. I did not know what to say so I told her what she wants. She told me she was, " a very good closely girlfriend." I was even more confused. We were text for some time and she told me that she loves me and that deep in her heart I am still her boyfriend and she was going to give me my place. I told her the same. After a while she said she was sleepy so I told her I would let her go. She asked if I was going to sleep to and I said yes (Even though I was having a hard time sleeping because of the brake up but I didn't want to let her know). At this point I was very confused. Around one in the morning she calls me telling me she had a nightmare about a witch. That she was scared and wanted to fall a sleep on the phone like we would when we were together. I told her I was here for her and we went to sleep.
And just now she text me that she wants to see me.
Am very confused about this whole thing. I would like to know what others think and this. I need help.
Thank you all again for the help you have given me! And sorry for making it so long.

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Am very confused about this whole thing. I would like to know what others think and this. I need help.

I would say its time to take the bull by the horns, and build a life that you enjoy without her. Sadly your healing can only begin, after you have stop contacting her, or letting her contact you, as this CONTACT is at the root of your confusion.

Like she says she just wants to concentrate on her studies and not really worry about a relationship for now.

Let her contact you and don't get clingy.