Back story: GF and I have been together for around 7 years. Technically she cheated on her current boyfriend when her and I got together. Around 3 years in we took a 6 month break since things were just not working well and she wanted to see other people. We eventually found each other again and things could not have been better.

At the 4.5 year mark she cheated on me. It started with sex and the "relationship" continued for about a month until I found out. I accepted that she made a mistake and we agreed to go to counseling. I took this pretty hard for a while. Counseling lasted a few months and it seemed like she had completely changed and things were back to being better than ever. Although I always had the thought in my mind wondering if she would do it again, each time eventually convincing myself that nope, she really has changed.

There have been some major changes in out lives but we currently live together and things are OK. We both love each other but there are definitely good times and bad. We have been in a down trend for the last few months due to school (major time draw) and both working (another major time draw).

Recently I found out that she has some serious feelings for a friend of hers. To the extent that she has thought about leaving me, and the effects it would have on our family, friends, relationship, etc. She has only known this friend for about a month or so. Nothing has happened between them at all, just her feelings at this point.

After I found out, we had a talk and many things were discussed but basically she admitted that she thinks she has infidelity issues and she can not guarantee that she would not cheat in the future. She can not seem to rationalize why she seeks out other relationships or guys and thinks this would happen with anyone she is with based on her past infidelity in every relationship she has been in.

I am trying to determine if I should make an effort to go to counseling with her. I have been hurt before and I am not really willing to wait until it (cheating) happens again. Seven years is a long time and overall I really do love her and we get along better than anyone when times are good but infidelity is something I can not seem to get over. A deal-breaker you might say. Especially if she thinks it could easily happen again.

Can someone really change, is this worth it for me, I wish this was easy.

School and working can very hard, and often people do find thierself drawn toward someone else, saying no and not doing it is an important thing. I would say get back to counseling, and perhaps figure on some regular couselfing over time on a regular basis

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Originally Posted by unsuretoday

Back story: GF and I have been together for around 7 years. Technically she cheated on her current boyfriend when her and I got together. Around 3 years in we took a 6 month break since things were just not working well and she wanted to see other people. We eventually found each other again and things could not have been better.

At the 4.5 year mark she cheated on me. It started with sex and the "relationship" continued for about a month until I found out. I accepted that she made a mistake and we agreed to go to counseling. I took this pretty hard for a while. Counseling lasted a few months and it seemed like she had completely changed and things were back to being better than ever. Although I always had the thought in my mind wondering if she would do it again, each time eventually convincing myself that nope, she really has changed.

There have been some major changes in out lives but we currently live together and things are ok. We both love each other but there are definitely good times and bad. We have been in a down trend for the last few months due to school (major time draw) and both working (another major time draw).

Recently I found out that she has some serious feelings for a friend of hers. To the extent that she has thought about leaving me, and the effects it would have on our family, friends, relationship, etc. She has only known this friend for about a month or so. Nothing has happened between them at all, just her feelings at this point.

After I found out, we had a talk and many things were discussed but basically she admitted that she thinks she has infidelity issues and she can not guarantee that she would not cheat in the future. She can not seem to rationalize why she seeks out other relationships or guys and thinks this would happen with anyone she is with based on her past infidelity in every relationship she has been in.

I am trying to determine if I should make an effort to go to counseling with her. I have been hurt before and I am not really willing to wait until it (cheating) happens again. Seven years is a long time and overall I really do love her and we get along better than anyone when times are good but infidelity is something I can not seem to get over. A deal-breaker you might say. Especially if she thinks it could easily happen again.

Can someone really change, is this worth it for me, I wish this was easy.

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If she cheated on you before and before she will do it again and again leave her before she leaves you hanging by a rope best thing is move on and find someone that will love you and not everyone else best wishes on any decision you make but remember mine is the right one

She seems to be very honest about the situation. Have you talked to her about counseling again? Does she feel it will work? At least you know you two can talk about it, so that may be your best bet. Tell her how you feel, she must understand. Maybe you two together can decide what's best...

We are considering counseling but not for another month or so because of certain things in our life. We are able to communicate really well so that is definitely helping our situation.

At this point I do not know how much she wants "us" to work. This is all fairly new so we are trying to figure it out.

In addition, I am struggling with trying to decide if I should just throw in the towel, not worry about it working out and start new. Although it would be helpful to know how and why this happened so either it fixes what we have or so that I can avoid it in the future.

The other issue we both have is the marriage pressure. Neither of us really wants to get married right now but having been with someone for 7 years, everyone starts asking "so when are you two getting married?". It almost seems as a relief if we were to break up and not have all of out family and friends asking us the same question.

First off, I don't think you should allow anyone to pressure you into a decision...

Who cares how long you've been together if neither of you are ready for it. It would be a different story if she wanted it and you didn't...

I say, stick with what works, talk with her about it. Tell her that you are contemplating throwing in the towel... that you don't know if you can stick by her if she can't stick by you...

If you haven't made up your minds about each other, after 7 years, you never will. Sounds like a relationship of convenience to me, with no purpose but to allow some comfort, and a roof over your heads. There is no commitment on either side, so what keeps this together? Comfort.

But it's not that we have not made up our mind about each other. It's just the whole get married to get married thing. There has definitely been times in our relationship when we both thought this will last forever and times when things were not so great. But every long-term relationship has down times right?

I think both of us have always thought what is the big deal to get married, what's everyone's rush. If two people love each other, marriage does not change that. It just shows others you are committed and gives you some tax breaks but in the end you are still the same two people with some common goal. Most of our friends and family almost considered us married anyway (since the writing is on the wall). If things do not work out, this will be a pretty big shock to everyone.

We continue to talk through our issues right now. I am mainly on this forum to try and see our relationship/situation from someone else's point of view. I am trying not to make any rash decisions.

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she has infidelity issues and she can not guarantee that she would not cheat in the future.

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This is a dealbreaker, even for the most committed marriage.

I agree with Tal. This sounds like a relationship of convience that dragged out for years as opposed to a relationship between two people committed to one another. I'm sorry to say this, but wasn't your first clue she's not trustworthy when she cheated with you on someone else? Then she cheated on you and told you which I will give her credit for honesty, but it also seems like she enjoys telling you because she can make you do whatever she wants. You know she's a cheater, she says she might do it again and yet you still stay, so for her this is a win/win situation. She keeps you around as a back up and when the time is right she drops you. Then she can honestly say, "I warned you ahead of time, and you didn't listen, this is your fault - not mine."

In my gut I agree with you tal and chuff, but some of our friends that know about our situation have strongly suggested counseling and that it has helped them in similar situations.

I think what it comes down to is should I allow an attempt at counseling and see how it goes or just cut my losses now. We have very limited experience with counseling but some people swear by it. I know that relationships are never easy but I am definitely leaning towards giving up on this one.

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I know that relationships are never easy but I am definitely leaning towards giving up on this one.

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That's the way your post comes across. Your trying to look for reasons to stay, but would rather leave. That is one of your options. Another is to go 'fishing' and give yourself some thinking time.

Humm she cheated on her then boyfriend to be with you?? Damn son you need to get hit by a truck to figure this out. You have had more than enough slaps in the face by this girl move on. On second thought maybe you like being steeped on by women hell stay. Now go do the dishes.
Sincerely Mr. Sensitive

I think that you should try to work on your relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years now I am 25 years old. We have broken up a few times. I have a major trust issue with him as well. In high school he cheated on me not sex just kissing but I consider that cheating. He told me he would never cheat on me again. And I don't know if I believe that. So I know how you feel. But a friend of mine once told me don't worry about it now because if something is going on you will always find out about it.. And as far as the pressure for marriage goes we go through the same stuff. But we are def not ready. Work on it I always felt if we come this far there must be a reason for it.. I love him and he loves me. I say keep working on it and if she cheats again then leave her. But then decide if you are going to take her back because as I know they always come back...

I know what its like to wash your hands of a 7 year relationship when the other partner has cheated in the past, and seems to be drifting.

For me, walking away was the hardest thing, and yet the best thing I could have done. Wed been good, wed fought through some issues, but it really was done at the end.

Counseling can do a lot... but it takes both people wanting to actively create a better relationship... and I just think she's wanting to explore. Having been in your shoes before, were I in your situation again, id leave in a breath.

I actually had to leave two relationships like this, one of 7 years, one of 2 years. Thank God I did.

I'm now married 8 years to a woman I trust with all of my heart.

It's over now. Had the talk last night. I must say it is rough. I know this is for the best, as much as I wish it wasn't.

I feel like she only wanted to be there for/with me when times were great. Once there was a hiccup, she started to stray rather than focus back on us.

Now we just need to figure out how to separate ourselves since we live together, and moving out is easier said than done.

I think this was the best decision for you to make now. The truth is, if you didn't do it now you would have done it later and it would have been after she cheated on you so you would have been worse off. You would have been dealing with that rage and the rage of knowing you were warned ahead of time. By stepping out now, you've done so on your terms with your head held high. I know it sucks but at the same time this was the best possible scenerio for you and still keep your dignity.

Sucks to be in your spot right now, except that it's the first step toward a better place. Been there. More than once, as I told you.

If it had to happen, I'm "glad" it happened now and now after another 6mo or a year of trying to work it out.

Sorry you're in this spot, and glad you are taking steps to move on to better places.

Ask yourself if you really want her to change. Maybe she has "issues" but this might be an intrinsic part of her personality. Human beings, unlike the majority of other animals, have the innate quality of choosing a mate not purely for mating and reproduction but for fun. If she would have her fun, it might be best to let her do so. She can either get it out of her system, go to counseling, and beat this idea of monogamy into herself or you can get over it. I don't always give the answers people want to hear, just the ones they should think about. Ever thought about expanding your relationship? Partner swapping and the like? Maybe you 2 can get along at a new level. If you are in love, if you care about each other more than anyone else, go sleep around a little just be sure to be within the confines of the original relationship.

Fyi, this thread is 7 months old... before we continue to give advice on this issue we might wait to see if the OP'er, who hasn't been here since may, has anything more to add.

It is not wrong to revive an old thread, but it might be more useful to tend to those questions that are current, with members who are presently needing help.

Just something to think about... I hate it when I spend a bunch of time on a revived thread just to find out its many months old and the OP'er never comes back.