I have a 9 yr. old daughter whose father I never married. He left us for another woman and leaves me stuck with all his bills and unpaid rent,electricity bill , etc... This all took place 4 months ago. I moved in with my parents until I could get back on my feet again(which I have now). My daughters father all of a sudden after 6 months now that I'm working and back on my feet, decides he wants to see her. Well, in order to keep this out of court(he has some jail time hanging over his head for drug charges) I tried to let him see her. The first time he never showed up to the place we both agreed on, the second time all he wanted to do was argue with me instead of spending time with our daughter(I let him do all the arguing since my daughter was present), and the third time he showed up high and highly intoxicated causing a scene so bad that the cops were called(note... he did this also in front of our daughter.. again) and about went to jail if I hadn't agreed to give him a ride to his place where he is staying. I have custody of her. I tried to make it easy for him to see her without having to go in front of a judge. He is on SSI and I was told that I could not get any kind of support for her (from him or the government) what I would like to know is can he go to court and ask for visitation and can I get any kind of support for her from him? It doesn't seem fair that I'm being so easy about this and he doesn't have to pay a thing and threatens to take her away from me in court. NOTE: He is on drugs and alcohol really bad and has numerous run ins with the law, but everyone seems to critise me for not allowing him more time with her. I've already tried this 3 times and I've kept my mouth shut about it for my daughter sake, but I fear that if I let him visit with her alone, he will try to take her and leave state or be so high or intoxicated that he will hurt her or cause her to get hurt.NOTE: When we were together he would lay out drunk and stoned for days and weeks at a time, I finally had enough and left him after 9 yrs. Of this crap, I also have 2 other children. He did pay the bills though but that was it. He never spent time with our daughter or ever went to any of her school events or even read her a book or tuck her in a night, I did it all, but now I'm the bad guy in everyone's eyes because I won't let him see her alone without someone being there. Do you blame me? Am I wrong for this? Any advice or comments(good or bad) would be greatly appreciated. BTW... we live in Virginia, if that helps. I'm making it now with my 3 angels and they are truly a gift from GOD to me.

First, let's get rid of the good guy/bad guy. You are neither. You are a single mom trying to protect her child from a bum. That's your most important job you have.

I would suggest you contact an Family Law attorney and go over your options. I don't think that it matters to your State where the child support comes form, just that it is paid by the father.

Second, were I you I would consider petitioning the Courts, not to grant visitation to the father because of his habit and his personality. If that fails, I would then suggest that the Court order supervised visitation.

I would also suggest that you petition the Courts for Sole custody of the infant child (9 yrs. Old is considered to be infant by the courts).

I'm not a lawyer, but we did go through this once before over our granddaughter. Please talk to a Family Law Attorney.

4 part advice:

1) NO MORE BEING VICTIMIZED: Do not help this man in any way. Do not give him rides anywhere. Do not stand around when he wants to argue, just leave. Do not take any crap from his family about what you are doing. Do not be scared to be strong and forceful for your child's wellbeing.

2) DOCUMENT EVERYTHING/RETAIN WITNESSES: I have been in the business of helping men be better fathers, husbands and providers for many years. I have always given them the advice to document everything they do... conversations with their spouses or ex-spouses, time they spent with their children, money they give to their children's mother. Document everything! In many courts, personal diaries are admissible evidence. That is some real power to your documentation. AND, it doesn't hurt to have witnesses of course. If you take the children on an excursion to see daddy, bring friends and/or family with you. Their testimony is powerful evidence. If your ex-husband wants to tell you something, let him know that he can tell you with them around listening. You have that right!

3) USE THE LAW: If your boyfriend/husband is high when visiting the children, make notes of that. But if he gets belligerent or violent, call the cops right away. Get him under control and get a copy of the police report. ALSO, get a restraining order against him. It costs money but perhaps you can get some help from your family if you can't afford it. BUT, DO IT! Set reasonable terms with your order and recognize that a father has the right to see his children unless the law says that he cannot. The law is on your side if you do the right thing here. Another thing... if he has any belongings in your possession, give them back to him right away. Any connection to you other than his children gives him some leverage to mess with you. Don't let it happen. If you have his clothes, jewelry, engagement ring or a vehicle, make arrangements with him to give these things back asap. If he has to come to where you are to get them back, contact your local police or sheriff office for a Civil Standby. Once arranged, an officer of the law could be present to make sure the transfer of personal belongings is smooth and without incident. Do this especially if there is an order against him to have none or certain contact with you and your children. You DO NOT want to violate the terms of your restraining order EVER! He could use that against you in court.

Being a mother is tough when you have a deadbeat Dad on the other side. Not being able to collect child support through his SSI sounds fishy and ridiculous. If it is true that they won't give you support, then opt for some sort of welfare if you aren't already receiving it. This is a good way to get a State to collect from him when he should be paying.

4) FILE FOR FULL PHYSICAL CUSTODY NOW! The law typically sees the mother as having full physical custody in situations of family separations. However, it would not hurt for you to assert this by filing for all custody options yourself. If you don't, he might and let's say you get a job in another state and the custody has not be established, he could go to court and inhibit you from leaving the state for as long as custody is in question. Moreover, you east coasters court system give a lot more leeway to your men then the west coast ones. Don't give him any leverage to screw you over anymore. Find out what it takes to get it done and do it. Often times you can also receive help from your local courthouse through family service offices or departments. They can consult you for free on how to proceed in many cases. Look for the resources, they are out there!