Another she needs space thread, but hopeful (Very long)
Hi all, I've been lurking here for a few days reading others problems and advice and it's helped a lot with my situation, so thanks all you experts on here.
This is going to be real lengthy novel-like post to get all I can out there, but any views on it would be greatly appreciated, I really don't know what to do from here anymore... Maybe Tal and others can give me some ideas.
Just a little background information, I'm 20 and she's 18. We were together for 10 months up until over a week ago. We've also both slept with more people then you can count on your fingers and toes prior to this, so we were a little unsure about the relationship thing, despite what everyone else would like to say about it. But it ended up an amazing time. Neither of us saw other people, even though their were always opportunities I've always backed out like I should same goes for her. (She would tell me I know this for fact.)
For the past several months she's been under a lot of stress and pretty much depressed. Her parents have had her on a leash (I had to sleep on the couch if I stayed over?. ) and never really let her out at night. She's also trying to work two jobs, pay car insurance and bills herself, working as a hostess it's VERY little pay. Also we both go to the same college (commute), which is about 6 minutes from her house. In which, she's been failing pretty badly no matter how much I tell her go to class just doesn't get through.
As for myself, I've been trying to get a job but with an empty resume it's hard to get one. :eek:
I was also wrapped up in her the few days she's off we'd spend the day together, a job would make it impossible to see her as it's hard already.
Rewinding back to a month or so; the "distancing" started. Day by day it would get worse. She'd never want to go out and do something like she used to. We always ended up sitting around watching movies , etc. Maybe it was the depression setting in. (This really bothered me and I tried my best to get her to do fun things yet to no avail... ) She'd also always end up falling asleep in my bed while I'm wide awake. Wonders why I'd go play video games. (I'm a computer engineer major so it's one of my favourite hobbies). Don't get me wrong it's only 2 feet away from my bed so we still talked and I came over when she was feeling more active or made her food/drinks/whatever else cuddled and so on. But just couldn't lay around all day you know?
About a week before the "space" came up, she started not picking up her phone and would be out until 6 in morning. (Most of her guy friends are gay and mutual friends so I didn't think much of it when she said she was over their houses, but it could be a white lie, at least that always ran through my head, I really didn't know what she was doing at all.)
So of course I confronted her about it next time I was over, and apparently she "lost" her phone, so I'm curious, I look at it when she's not looking and there's calls from all week, except mine were missed. What the f#ck? :confused: More excuses of course, I didn't argue and just forgot about it altogether.
I started seeing more and more flags, and honestly saw this coming any day now. She basically disappeared for 2 days straight one time and I admit I called quite a few times, actually maybe too much. (But out of worry not clingyness, what if something bad happened?) NOT one picked up call. Again at her friends house (gay one). Had a hard time believing this anymore, seriously, I felt something was going on she's never acted like this before.
"Space" day. So she wants to hang out, so of course I'm going to go see what's going on. I act like nothing ever happened and run up to her give her a big hug and talked about our days. THEN she drops the "I have to talk to you" line while staring at the ground. I had already read about this stuff for HOURS on this site so I was ready for it.
To sum it up just some points in conversation, as she was crying very hard and I seemed calm as ever about it pretending it wasn't killing me inside, but who am I kidding?
"This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do"
"I just need some space to figure things out, I hate my life the way it is right now"
"I'm not breaking up with you, but I want you to be my friend for now while I fix things, we'll be back together soon, I promise."
"Without you in my life I'd be miserable, you'll always be a part of it no matter what"
She kept asking if I was going to be okay and that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I told her I'd respect her space and that I fully understood, that seemed to shock her, I guess she expected me to just walk away and kill myself or something. :rolleyes:
"Thank for you understanding that it's just not some excuse to break up with you, I really do need some time to think about where my life's going right now."
After that awkward moment I ended up cheering her up, everything was like it used to be the rest of the day went great since she offered I could stay over. I should have left I suppose... Held hands, kissed, cuddled, even had sex that night like nothing was wrong.
She kept everything I gave her, as did I, stuffed animals and small memorable things like that. So I figure that's a good sign.
To this day her myspace still says "In A Relationship" and there's still pictures of us, just the words changed around a lot, ex: I have everything I need in my life right now - to - I used to think I had everything, I don't know where I'm going anymore and it's caused some bad situations lately. I guess still a hopeful sign. She uses it a lot, she's one of those 10,000+ friends kind of girls on that site.
We made plans for next day and once again, ignoring my text and call. Again what the f#ck is going on now? I get a text later saying she forgot? Uh okay. Ended up she calls me next day, "We can't be doing this everyday again, I'm just scared."
:confused:
Okay so time to get serious about her space, I did no contact unless she did, which was several times again. Of course if I even try to contact she won't respond so I don't bother anymore. Few days went by like this, I'm trying to hide every picture and memory of her but I still can't sleep at all or eat lately I couldn't get this out of my head. I did as most of you would say though, re-established contact with friends and have started getting out a lot more and it does help, but the thing is can't do that when your trying to go to bed.
I try not to EVER bring up the relationship when I talk to her. She still calls me baby and we say I love you before hanging up the phone like always.
2 days later I end up needing a ride because I'm stuck in her town and needed a ride back to the school. Well I really didn't, was just a way to get to see her for a while, I really needed it. Went out for about half an hour, held hands and kissed still (Her initiative not mine) It was really relieving. So dropping me back off we said our goodbyes and now she tries to give me a kiss on cheek goodbye like she didn't even know me.
Skip ahead a few days.. I didn't talk to her all day. She IM's me at 4 in morning and starts a conversation then out of nowhere gets very flirty and "I miss you so much", I'm getting really tired of this sh!t at this point and just keep it simple with one word responses and said I have to go.
Next night was HORRIBLE. Her "friend" called my house accidentally at 3AM? So I call back twice, and a GUY picks up her phone?
I was furious so I grab my knuckles and speed over her house to see what the hell is going on there, since we were still together or so I thought. I hate to be a stalker but this really got to me so it was time to snoop around. I parked down the road, there was some unknown car there in her driveway! I go up to the window, and there I see it another guy with his arms around her on the couch :eek:
Turns out it was someone I know too, he's on drugs constantly, and also her ex.
I really wish I didn't have to see that, but I've never been so angry in my life finding this out... I realize if we were formerly broken up it wouldn't really be any of my business and I wouldn't of gone in the first place, but we weren't. So I go in front door and confront this guy. Anyway he was kind of speechless and kind of cowered behind her and his friend not saying a word. Never thought of myself as intimidating at all it felt good.
She held me back and I contained myself I didn't in any way want to hurt her by accident. Only words were exchanged, well one way conversation he couldn't speak. We went outside since I had to calm down. So I'm asking why would you do this to me?
(She was kind of drunk too I could tell.. )
"I'm sorry.. I didn't sleep with him he knows better by now not to try that."
"I've never cheated on you and I never would, you know this."
She tries to change the blame on me now for make a scene about this. What am I supposed to think having my house called at 4AM and guys picking up her phone f#cking with me? Conversation when on for a while, mostly silent since I couldn't think straight at all. She doesn't let me drive when I'm upset about something so I pretended to be cooled down and headed back home to dwell in my misery once again. Played some games to keep my mind off things since everyone wasn't out this time of night. No way I was getting any sleep tonight. :rolleyes: She called me to make sure I got home safe and talked for a while but I suggested to wait until she was sober.
Today. So I got out for a while and was in a good mood, did I overreact last night? I guess so. She said she'd call me when she's out of work, and did, about 3 hours ago, we talked for about an hour, avoiding everything about last night for the most part, it was good to hear her laugh and be talkative for once. I apologized about things and called the people that witnessed everything and made up with them.
So why am I apologizing to all these people? I'm trying to be mature about my actions and I know she'll see this as good thing. I'm starting to talk to her friends and get closer to them so they have good things to say about me and help her make up her mind. I called her gay friend up even though I've only met him once and we talked for a while, as he's more aware of what's in her head at this point since they are together quite often. He assured me she hasn't been messing around with anyone else, but more so leading them on like last night, he's actually on my side cause he knows she's making mistakes lately and that I've been so good to her even while this sh!t is going on. I'm sure any other person would have gone to those hills you all talk about by now.
I feel like after yesterday she's thought about it a lot and regrets it even though nothing serious happened (AFAIK), I could tell from the way she spoke today. The distance felt like it wasn't there today.
I'm just hoping we can forget all about this and start like it never happened at all. Maybe I'm stupid but that's just how I feel, I can't let this all go just yet. I know I know, love myself first, but I'm being cautious and keeping a safe distance from now even if I'm setting myself up for more pain, I'm willing to take it I guess.
So do you think getting closer to her friends would be a good step to take? Hoping it's for the better to get a good reputation with them since they are with her a lot lately and that'll influence her thoughts. Never really bothered with talking to them before. I'm not attempting doing NC anymore, but keeping it minimal to avoid that sad puppy effect fer sure. Just waiting for her to to initiate as usual.
Should be hanging out with her since I talked to the gay friend today who's going with her to some peak, he said he'd like to meet me too. So we'll get some time together out of civilization and this small minded town, figure out what's on her mind and sort this all out, or end it altogether.
Don't think anyone's going to read this all but any clue what's in her head and what to do from here would be great. Thanks.
-sxv
Comment on Babble05's post
I agree, breaking up or deciding what to do it hard. You should look deeply at what it is you need and decide if she is giving you that.
