My wife and I are going through some real rough times right now and she keeps telling me that it is all about me and that I am selfish. What I don't understand is that she goes out when she wants to and with whom she wants to with no thought of it al all. Leaving me with the two kids and the house to take care of. Then she tells me that I may need to move out for us to figure out what we really want. In the past she has had an emotional affair with another man (while I was depolyed to Iraq no less) and she continuously blames me for that. Now this guy at her work likes her and she says that she does not like him but they talk and text message late a night. I have my suspisions but I am trying to take her word for it that it is nothing. I know that I have been selfish and that I need to work on that but am I in the wrong for being hessitant with her right now? She does not want to touch me at all, not even a hug or a kiss. That is acceptable to her but when I don't want a hug or a kiss she thinks its something to do with her and that I am just being selfish again. Please some advise will be great, I am at whits end and getting so stressed out that my chest is hurting and some strang thoughts (other than my wife with another man) have been creaping into my head.

Thank you,
CCWARW

Wow, tough 1 man. I think that in a situation like this she is resentful about the fact you went away... all be it in Iraq, for our country, none the less you went away and left her with the kids and house to deal with all alone. Now she figures it's your turn. If you want to stay with her counciling may be the answer.

Well... she wants you to move out to figure it out. Is she willing to talk to a counselor with you?

Lack of physical affection can come from a lot of things, but clearly if she's not happy in the marriage, she's not going to be as driven... and you are going to notice it and feel it. Sometimes I think the sexes do much in reverse... she needs to feel comfortable and happy to extend that action, and men find the action helps comfort us and make us happy.

I know when my wife and I were in the middle of a rough few weeks of bickering and I felt I had to chase her down to get a kiss or be next to her, her response was that she wasn't deliberately punishing me... just that the general state of affairs in the relationship carry over into affection and the bedroom. And my wife isn't vindictive... I believed her when she said it was more about less of a drive due to the stress, and not some deliberate plan to put me in a corner. Happily, that was just an ugly couple of weeks, resolved by time and talking.

Not sure I can give your wife that much leeway. When someone asks about a separation, they've been thinking about it some time. Now... I've seen separations work to bring the couple back together. I've seen it in our extended family.

But I don't know how you've been selfish. And I don't know her spin or angle. But its an ugly spiral that's going to need time and talk to heal.

So... couples therapy on the table? Your gut check might be "man, i do NOT want to go to a therapist"... but if there's no communication now, that can start it up... and all you want is the truth, right? To know is it holding together or not...

I went to a therapist once after a about of depression brought on by changing jobs and financial stress. I hated making the appointment. Hated going there. Walked out glad that I went. Talking to someone else about it can be a good thing, and I'm not a touchy-feeling guy. I tend to think I can bear it all and figure it out myself with work and determination.

Just an option...

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Originally Posted by ccwarw

My wife and I are going thru some real rough times right now and she keeps telling me that it is all about me and that I am selfish. What I dont understand is that she goes out when she wants to and with whom she wants to with no thought of it al all. Leaving me with the two kids and the house to take care of. Then she tells me that I may need to move out for us to figure out what we really want. In the past she has had an emotional affair with another man (while I was depolyed to Iraq no less) and she continuously blames me for that. now this guy at her work likes her and she says that she does not like him but they talk and text message late a night. I have my suspisions but I am trying to take her word for it that it is nothing. I know that I have been selfish and that I need to work on that but am I in the wrong for being hessitant with her right now? she does not want to touch me at all, not even a hug or a kiss. That is acceptable to her but when i dont want a hug or a kiss she thinks its something to do with her and that I am just being selfish again. Please some advise will be great, I am at whits end and getting so stressed out that my chest is hurting and some strang thoughts (other than my wife with another man) have been creaping into my head.

Thank you,
CCWARW

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Are you married through the Church?

If you are, perhaps it is time to put God back in your lives. If not, perhaps it is time to put God in your lives.

You can't do it alone. For your marriage to succeed, you both needs the grace of God to cement your marriage. For this you need to understand that marriage is about sacrifice. Just as Jesus gave His life for us to live, you must give your lives to each other for your marriage to live.

Ephesians 5 24 Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so also let the wives be to their husbands in all things. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church, and delivered himself up for it: 26 That he might sanctify it, cleansing it by the laver of water in the word of life: 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle, or any; such thing; but that it should be holy, and without blemish. 28 So also ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, as also Christ doth the church: 30 Because we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be two in one flesh. 32 This is a great sacrament; but I speak in Christ and in the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular love his wife as himself: and let the wife fear her husband.

Sincerely,

De Maria

Hey. Look I hate to sound negative but it sounds to me like she doesn't appreciate you at all. . If I were you I would just act like you don't care. . let her do her own thing. . If she really loves you then she will come to you and only you... and if not then you can do so much better.. . Honestly it sounds to me like she wants you when she isn't interested in someone else... God I know that sounds harsh. . I've been there... and it hurts... but you need to realize that you are worth loving and if she can't see that then someone else will... There are so many good girls out there...

The only person you can change is you. You can't fix her and any attempt you make to show her why she's in the wrong will backfire. What you've got to do right now is trust your intuition. If you get the feeling that she's having another emotional affair, you need to confront her on it. Two wrongs never make a right so even if we say, yes, you're being selfish, that doesn't make her returning the favor okay.

The bottom line is this: "When people show you who they are, believe them."

If she's giving you no affection, if she's texting some co-worker late at night, if you ask her for her time and she doesn't want to give it to you because she's trying to "figure things out", what does that tell you?

The writing's on the wall and what you need to decide is not what she's thinking about this but what you're intending to do about all of this. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held onto.

Try to have an open, honest conversation with her but, if that doesn't happen, at the end of the day, go with your gut feeling. 99.9% of the time, it's right.

Pre-Divorce Planning For Smart People

It sounds like she is resentful and empty. She may be frustrated with how empty she feels, the most important thing is to increase communication, communicate so much it makes you sick! It will bring love that hasn't shown for months back to the surface, and more affection. I think your wife has some issues of her own, I don't think her shying away from you is any longer your fault. She needs to work on herself and vice versa.

I am way late to this but I am almost 100% sure she is having and affair. I cannot beliece that all these comments haven't spotted this. The reason she is negative, and trying to find fault with her husband is that she selfishly needs to justify leaving him for another man so that she doesn't feel like the villain. She is defensive because she is having an affair and she is distracting the husband by heaping problems on him. Hire a private detective and make her pay.