Ask Me Help Desk - In love With two men

:confused:

I live in Utah where in our culture getting married young and getting engaged quick is the norm. I met a man Before I got married we had an amazing connection just everything was wonderful and fun.Due to my religious beliefs that he didn't share I felt like I had to let him go. I met My husband 2 months later and he fulfilled all the requirements that I was told to marry all during my youth. ( keep in mind I was 18)

My husband was a good man but I had my doubts during our engagements.. little things like he wanted to see me everyday and starting telling me what to do subtle like.

Our first year was really nice just getting through school, little apartment. I must have not felt a real strong connection with my husband, because the first chance I had to reconnect with my old flame I did. We would talk all day long on the internet while I was at work. We still could talk for hours and never get bored and we had so much fun. We wanted to meet up and when I saw him again my heart lept it was so exciting. We didn't start having an affair until 3 years later. I had to work up a lot of gusto to get to that point. It just isn't like me to be so secretive and lie. I love to take care of those around me and I love to have fun and be kind. I wasn't feeling loved my husband and I went else where for it. I understand what I did was wrong. But now I am faced with a choice.

My husband found out and is willing to work on his and my faults to build our marriage to be stronger. He has a very controlling and dominating personality, where as I have a hard time sticking up for myself and I am constatntly afraid of making him mad. I am Just too nice. He has his moments though when things are up they are good.

Then I have this other guy who knows how to make me smile and wants me to be who I am. I am not afraid of him. He is special to me and just a great guy. I Know he would treat me like a princess forever.

So comes to my real question: Why can't I just choose one!! I am done with fooling around. Should I stay with my husband continue the life we have built and just suck it up and try to make everything work.

Or start from ground Zero with the man I betrayed my husband with, the man that I think really knows me.

I love them both but in order to continue I have to decide and I am just stuck... So back and forth with what to do. So many pros and cons.

Maybe it would be best if I just went on my own and grew up.. because I am obviously not mature enough to handle this.

Right now I live in a an apartment alone... I kind of have a deadline... they both want me to just decide and its so much pressure.

I just have so much guilt and pain. I don't know who to go to for help.

Any input would be nice.
Thanks for listening to my story

So its not really up for anyone on this site to say who they think you should be with because they don't know the whole story. You live every day with your husband you know his god and bad faults, you know this other guy, do you know his good and bad afaults as welll. Would he be willing to date you or marry you eventually? All I have to say is fun is fun but you have to grow up eventually, and a demanding controlling relationship is not healthy. Juat weigh your pro's and con's girl!

Oh yes the other guy wants to have it all with me. Willing to sacrifice everything he has to be with me. He wants a family with me.

I just worry about the whole ordeal, I don't want to get in a cycle get in the same mess cheat on him later. I mean is this how I handle relationships? When things get rough go somewhere else, or do I really just need a healthy relationship with a person who knows how to love me?

That's why I wonder if staying with my husband is best. So I can learn from it and we can help each other change.

Does any of this make sense?

But that's the thing its not about haneling the relationship I think. You seen to know right from wrong.I think its more about who do you want to be with or grow old with. From what you've said you got married young you haven't been in a lot of relationships, but there are at least 3 billion men in the world honestly your husband may not be the one for you especially if yourself admiting he is controlling. If you really want go woth the other guy if you end up cheating on him for a another man then you might want to see someone as then it would become a habbit. But in the first place you should have broken it off or asked for a break before going and doing what you did. Why don't you stay with your husband and try to work it out tell the other guy your alreay married you need to see if your relationship can be fixed, he is your husband after all. If he's still controlling and you don't see a change in the relationship go with the other guy ask him to wait for you. But you have to pick between one or the other and you choice will affect the outcome of your life. So where do you want to be in a year 5 years. And where would you be at thoes times with each guy..

Just my opinion, I say, stay in your apartment, give your husband the respect he deserves, let him go.
This other guy, well, if he loves you, he will wait until you have gathered yourself from this overcomeable disaster. You will need time to grow and find the true self in you. You were married too young and to a controlling man. It doesn't mean he is a bad man, just not the one for you. Please, stay right where you are and set aside everyone but you for a while. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thegirl123

Maybe it would be best if I just went on my own and grew up.. because I am obviously not mature enough to handle this.

I think you're onto something here. It's regrettable that you were stampeded into marriage too young, and that you dealt with it by cheating on your husband. But jumping into another premature relationship isn't likely to be the answer. Your lover may seem like the perfect man, but trust me, he has his own faults and shortcomings as well--for example, being willing to get involved with a married woman. Take some time alone to grow up and find your own center.

I think that's one of my better options at this point. I really need to spend time alone. This time I have had has been really good for me.

I shouldn't need anyone to support me... I mean its nice and all but I have never had that chance to be alone and grow and do things for myself.
I could become a very strong women and learn from my mistakes.

Thanks for you input. I really appreicate it.

Dang right you are and DANG right you can get on with this. True feelings and thoughs can be very enlightening, and help you through many things! Always, always be honest with yourself and always make sure you are taken care of and not respected. Here, they make some lovely points here that we tend to forget about.
Psychology Today: Relationship Rules

Excellent I will look into that webside thanks :)
I am so glad I could write it out and get opinions from people that are not surrounding me constantly. Friends and family are biased and not helping.They tend to make things worse.

I understand Thegirl, I really understand what you just said about other family and friends. Don't leave them out though, they tend to be important at times too:):):)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thegirl123

:confused:

I live in Utah where in our culture getting married young and getting engaged quick is the norm. I met a man Before i got married we had an amazing connection just everything was wonderful and fun.Due to my religious beliefs that he didn't share I felt like I had to let him go. I met My husband 2 months later and he fulfilled all the requirements that i was told to marry all during my youth. ( keep in mind I was 18)

My husband was a good man but I had my doubts during our engagements.. little things like he wanted to see me everyday and starting telling me what to do subtle like.

Our first year was really nice just getting through school, little apartment. I must have not felt a real strong connection with my husband, because the first chance I had to reconnect with my old flame I did. We would talk all day long on the internet while I was at work. We still could talk for hours and never get bored and we had so much fun. We wanted to meet up and when I saw him again my heart lept it was so exciting. We didn't start having an affair til 3 years later. I had to work up a lot of gusto to get to that point. It just isn't like me to be so secretive and lie. I love to take care of those around me and I love to have fun and be kind. I wasn't feeling loved my husband and I went else where for it. I understand what I did was wrong. But now I am faced with a choice.

My husband found out and is willing to work on his and my faults to build our marriage to be stronger. He has a very controlling and dominating personality, where as i have a hard time sticking up for my self and I am constatntly afraid of making him mad. I am Just too nice. He has his moments though when things are up they are good.

Then I have this other guy who knows how to make me smile and wants me to be who I am. I am not afraid of him. He is special to me and just a great guy. I Know he would treat me like a princess forever.

So comes to my real question: Why can't i just choose one!!! I am done with fooling around. Should I stay with my husband continue the life we have built and just suck it up and try to make everything work.

Or start from ground Zero with the man I betrayed my husband with, the man that I think really knows me.

I love them both but in order to continue I have to decide and I am just stuck... So back and forth with what to do. so many pros and cons.

Maybe it would be best if I just went on my own and grew up.. because I am obviously not mature enough to handle this.

Right now I live in a an apartment alone... I kinda have a deadline... they both want me to just decide and its so much pressure.

I just have so much guilt and pain. I don't know who to go to for help.

Any input would be nice.
Thanks for listening to my story

I understand how you feel. I to got married at 18 and had a similar problem the only difference is my husband was the one who knew me best and let me be myself.My advice to you is just stop take a deep breath and really think about what you want,the answer is there.Who will make you the happiest and love you no matter what.No one should control you or make you be something your not,and if they really tuely love you they will wait no matter how long it takes.If neither can wait then maybe neither are the right one.I followed my heart and have been happily married to the same man for almost 16 years.

From what I have seen once a control freak always a control freak and sure they will treat you great when everything is going their way. In the end you are miserable because they want what they want when they want and you think you are getting what you want UNTIL you go against what they want. Then it is their way. I don't know if he is that extreme but the two of you do not even sound compatible in the least.