My storey goes like this: I was with my Husband for 7 years for the first part everything was fine. We moved in together after 6 months into the relationship. 3 months after his sister moved in with us (arriving on a student visa from Hong Kong). She interfered with our relationship all the time and it became to tiring to deal with as she had issues of her own (she was 30 when she arrived, now 36).

This took a toll on our relationship as he was unwilling to kick her out or tell her that she needed to go home. She would just sign up for college courses on English as a second language classes and just not go (needed to be enrolled in a class to keep Visa). She would go once a week to make an appearance and spend the rest of the time sleeping during the days and staying up all night watching TV or cooking.

After 4 years of living with her I learned that he was the one paying for her courses and she had sucked up his all of his savings (over $50,000). I asked him why he needs to support her like this and she was using him, and he just explained it was it was a cultural thing I would not understand. Around the same time he got money from his parents to buy a new home. We found a nice loft on the waterfront but he insisted we get a 2 bedroom to accommodate his sister. We moved in and things got worse. The loft was open concept with wall partitions going up 8 feet while the ceiling height was 14 feet so you could here every sound.

Our sex life went from very little to even more so. My partner (Steve) and I were never really that sexually compatible to begin with we were both tops and he was more the romantic type that needed the candles flickering and soft music playing in the background. I was more spontaneous and aggressive and liked to be adventurous. Our sex life became worse and he got to the point he would be more into porn then me. He would rather just lay beside me and jerk off then do anything and if I tried to touch him he would push me away and this is even when his sister was not home.


I got sick of the situation and started to hook up with other guys on the side. I learned that I could have the sex I wanted and enjoyed with others that I could never get from my partner, as he would not let me him unless he was drunk or high and I was not into that as I would feel I was taking advantage of him and making him do something he did not enjoy.


Spring last year we decided to move to a new place with more privacy. I begged him to get rid of his sister and he kept telling me that since his parents gave him the money for the place he did not want to even though his parents wanted her to go back home and live her life as she owns her own place back in her home country. I got to a point where I felt alone and I was in a relationship with him and his sister. All the money I made I put into our home, everyday I would come home to find the house a complete mess as she would do nothing around the house but cook a meal she saw on a cooking show that day.

I begged Steve to do something but he refused as he said that it is not my house as his parents gave him the money for it. He started telling me that this was not my home. I began to feel like I was working towards nothing in my future and even started contemplating suicide.

I had enough I had to get away so I went to the UK for a week to clear my mind and distance myself from the relationship to evaluate what I should do. I came back with as much awnsers as I had when I left. When I returned I connected with a guy (Ryan)that I thought was very nice. We started talking and got to know each other well we hooked up and the sex was the best I ever had.

When it came time to move to the new place I decided I have had enough of being the 3rd person in my marriage and I decided to move out with Ryan and get our own place. I know this was not the brightest of idea's but I felt like I have finally met someone that I connect with on all levels of a relationship and I was not willing to pass up the opportunity to be happy for once.


When I moved out 4 months ago Steve finally sent his sister packing for home and asked for me to come back home and work out our problems. During that time I fell hard for Ryan and we seem to have a great relationship with the exception that he gets made that Steve and I still work and have a business together.


I feel Torn as both would like to have a relationship with me and I'm unsure what to do. I feel like all those years of trying to get rid of the sister from hell I should give Steve a second chance and try to work on things with him I know the sexual problems still exist however he is willing to open up the relationship (not sure he is emotionally ready to handle it). Steve is one of the nicest guys I know and he has the biggest heart I have seen. On the other hand my relationship with Ryan is great, sexually things are fantastic and things just feel right without having to try.


I have no one else to turn to in this matter and I'm looking for a unbiased opinion any help is greatly appreciatted. [/B]

Torn_lover as there is always three sides to a story, Your side, your husband side and the truth, I am going to answer this based on YOUR side
The bottom line is that I can understand how frustrated you are. The Problem Is your husband inability to put you first, and Your ability to bail when the going gets tough.
The communication from what I read was lacking. You totally disregarded your marriage and moved in with someone else. Your husband put his family first and put you on the back burner. This marriage lacks major communication, and priority. If I was to read your post, without knowing you were married I would have thought you were boyfriend and girlfriend.

I would say that both of you guys need counseling whether it be to save your marriage or end it. You both need closure, and to be honest. It really wasn't a good idea to move so fast into this new relationship until you solved the problems in your marriage. In the end only you can make the decision on which way you want to go. Sure everything may be great with Ryan Your still in the beginning of this relationship. In fact Ryan is a rebound. You are comparing a 7 year relationship to a four month relationship...

First, I think you need to figure out who you are and what you want. If you want to be in this marriage, You only stated Steve was a nice guy with a good heart. But you didn't SAY I want to be with him because "I love Him" I don't even think you mentioned the word love at all in your post. I think you are confused and honestly need to take this time to be alone. Seek counseling. Understand what you want, and realize that no relationship will be perfect. I also feel your husband need to see counseling as his priorities are a little distorted as well.

In the end in my opinion I can not tell you who to choose, but understand that you married someone and you should have worked it out before jumping into a new relationship. When I say work it out I mean either by divorcing, separating, or staying married.

Instead you swung to one branch while holding onto the other without letting go, so now your dangling in the middle.. First find yourself then have some closure with your marriage as to if you will stay or go, and Then decide about the rebound. Because with all honesty I think you fell for this guy hard because you were in a vulnerable state.. In fact you are still in a vulnerable state...

BTW I based this comment on the union of marriage, and not by your sexuality. All rules still imply when speaking in terms of marriage, when you make a commitment.

I think your ex had his chance he lst you it took you leaving him to see what he had, I think if you went back together time would pull you apart again, or the sexual issue would come up. I think if your happy with ryan stay with him you can keep running back to a guy that wouldn't listen to you especially for that long of a time he chose to sit back and watch the relationship dye. If your happy with ryan stay with him, at least this way you won't have to go out and find other guys to forfill your needs... (std's=danger lol) u only live once have fun man

Quote:

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We moved in together after 6 months into the relationship.

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You jumped into a relationship with a stranger, went thru hell, as he, and his family caused you much misery, and frustration, so your solution to that, and the bad sex was to go from bed, to bed looking, for the love you have waited for, and now your dangling between a new lover, who is also a stranger, and the old one, who has made changes, and wants you back, and your confused as to which one to be with. Does that sound about what you have written?
I can only say that you really need to take the time to love yourself, and stay out of any relationship at this time. You need to be happy with yourself, enough to know what you want, and how to get it, and keep it, and be willing to work for it. You and your husband, have not shown a willingness to work together, or communicate, and that is a disaster, as in those 7 years you could not solve your issues together, to the benefit of you both. He is not healthy enough, and neither are you, to sustain a healthy, loving, relationship, and the sister leaving will help, but not enough to solve your issues. Further leaving a relationship, and jumping to another, and wanting to leave that one, to go back to an already unhealthy one, makes no sense. Do yourself a favor, and get your own head together, before you jump into something again. Your dependence on a relationship, to be happy is not healthy, and sets you up for a lot of misery, pain, and confusion, as you find yourself in now.