Ask Me Help Desk - Does he want me or not

Does he want me or not

I've been with my boyfriend now for nearly 1yr1/2 n I had an abortion about 6 mnths after we got together but now for quite a few months he's been talking about getting married and I said id love 2 marry him but then the next time its bought up he says he don't want 2 get married & he's been doing it with kids as well completely out the blue he says things like shall we have a baby soon like really soon and then again the next day he's saying that he don't want kids and its really confussing me I feel like he's not sure whether he wants to be with me or not but doesn't want to be single so he says these things 2 keep there but its just making me want 2 leave I've tried talking to him about it but he just said I don't want 2 have kids an I don't want 2 het married but it was only 2 days before that said to me before we went 2 bed that's he wants 2 get engaged because nothing would make him happier than 2 have me by his side as his fiancé rather than his girlfriend can anyone help because its really doing my head in now

It would be a lot easier to read your post without all the short form.

How old are you and your boyfriend?

Does not sound like anybody is ready for anything. I think that you both are rushing into things or already have in the past.

Why did you have an abortion? Now all of a sudden he is ready? I do not believe it.

I think your better off slowing down, taking a step back and think this through.

Only you can answer these questions for yourself. It is obvious to me your having major doubts about his sincerity. Listen to what your gut is telling you.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2682939
You have been going back and forth with this guy for a while now, and the last post was about cheating. What happen with that, and is that why he is talking about kids and marriage?

I'm 18 and he's 21 but age doesn't really matter its just a number I had the abortion because I was only 16 and I wasn't ready and he wasn't ready and neither of us had jobs and we knew we wouldn't be able to give a child everything that it would need we were finding it hard to keep ourselves let alone a baby so we didn't think it would be fair 2 bring a baby into the world 2 not have a good start

We did rush into things a bit quicker than most would but we have always been so comfortable with each other and still changed but he just doesn't seem to know what he wants and I can't decide what I want until he has cause I don't like disappointment I know I want him and that won't ever change but I haven't really had time to think about the rest cause I've been to busy trying to figure out what he's thinking

To answer tals question I got to the bottom of that cause I knew he was hiding something from me I couldn't trust him but I gave it one last go at talking to him about it and he told me what he was hiding the girl in question had made a pass at him but he didn't want to tell me cause he knew I would go mad and go over to her flat and he didn't want me to get hurt but after that happened he stopped going over to her flat and doesn't talk to her anymore I know nothing happened when he was over there cause his brother in law or sister was always with him and whenever he's lied to me and I've asked them they always tell me the truth even though it gets him in trouble and we had gone through a rough time just before that and myself confidence was down a bit so that didn't help with my thoughts but we have got past that now and I know I can trust him

You need to stop trying to figure out what he is thinking and start thinking about your own life. You are not willing to make up your own mind until he makes up his, does this sound fair to you?

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Originally Posted by sammi01

the next time its bought up he says he dnt want 2 get married & hes been doin it with kids aswell

What does this mean??

It means that one minute he says he wants to get married, and the other he does not. One minute he is mentioning wanting to have kids, and the next minute not wanting to have kids.

Neither of you has any business playing house. You should be looking to getting your acts together, for your own futures. Not really meaning to sound harsh or rude, really I don't, but I think your holding each other back, and you both have a lot of growing to do. I don't think you can help each other to do that! Sorry, just my opinion. You didn't sound ready in your other posts, and you don't sound ready in this one. I wish you luck though in whatever you decide.

Sammi, you have no idea how screwed up you look when I... and everybody else reads your posts. You've had an aboration at 16, your talking about possibly getting married and possibly having more children, your with a cheater, and worst of all you don't even see what you've done to yourself and the direction you life is taking doesn't seem to be taking a turn for the better. What would happen if he died today? Can you take care of yourself? It sure doesn't sound like it. You have co dependency issues so badly that you are willing to do anything and believe anything he tells you. Try living your life for you, that's what it's for.

chuff I know I can look after myself always I'm the only person I depend on I know I can't afford to get into a posiistion where I can't do anything without him because I have other people depending on me who needs me more than he or anyone else would before I met him me and my life was just one big mess then I moved back in with my mom who is mentally ill and really depends on me being her full time carrer and she helped me let go of my past and get my life back

I don't want to get married not yet anyway or have kids but I just want to know why he keeps changing his mind

And about believeing everything he says you couoldnt be further away from the truth I believe him a lot more now than I used to when I think he's not telling me things I go about it in a different way to most would I suppose

I know where my life is going and it has taken me a long time to get to this point of being able to say this . I will agree I do have some issuses but not co dependency issuses and I'm working through these step by step each day I've had to change my way of thinking to do this and I'm much happier and I do have him to thank for that cause he's never given up on me its cause of him I done it his support.

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Originally Posted by sammi01

chuff i know i can look after myself always im the only person i depend on i know i can't afford to get into a posiistion where i can't do anything without him coz i have other ppl depending on me who needs me more than he or anyone else would before i met him me and my life was just one big mess then i moved back in with my mom who is mentally ill and really depends on me being her full time carrer and she helped me let go of my past and get my life back

Sammi this is not an attack on you so please don't take it that way, but my first clue that you are not in clued in to real life yet is the fact that what you wrote was the biggest run on sentence about 5 different topics, two of which are complete opposite of one another. You can't even stop and organize your thoughts into small sentences without being all over the place.

You say you know you can't get into a position where you can afford to do anything without him then you turn around and say your life was a mess before he came into it. Let me tell you that if you think this guy has cleaned up your life, you are lying to yourself about you life being cleaned up and about him deserving credit.

Nothing against your mother but if she is mentally ill I question how she can help you get your life back and your emotional well being in check.

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Originally Posted by sammi01

i dont want to get married not yet anyway or have kids but i just want to know why he keeps changing his mind

If you don't want to get married then why do you give a damn why he changes his mind.

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Originally Posted by sammi01

and about believeing everything he says you couoldnt be futher away from the truth i beleive him alot more now than i used to

What? You just contradicted yourself without even starting a new sentence.

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Originally Posted by sammi01

when i think hes not telling me things i go about it in a different way to most would i suppose

Like holding him to it and demanding the truth from him?

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Originally Posted by sammi01

i know where my life is going and it has taken me a long time to get to this point of being able to say this .

Where is it going?

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Originally Posted by sammi01

i will agree i do have some issuses but not co dependancy issuses and im working through these step by step each day ive had to change my way of thinkin to do this and im much happier and i do have him to thank for that cause hes never given up on me its cause of him i done it his support.

Hey, I have issues too, I'm not knocking having issues, but I at least address what mine are. Whatever issues you've had, you've made progress on your own. Any change you make it is yours to claim as your own, and nobody else's to share.

I to question whether he deserve so much credit, as his actions, as you have presented them in your post, are of a boy who is not ready to be a man, and deal with MAN responsibilities. Your both on a roller coaster, and its taking you through life faster than you can adjust to. Come on, your depending on in-laws to keep his act honest?

I was reading this post and it reminds me of a preivious relationship I had when I was younger. I understand that you are able to do things by yourself, but do you think you lack confidence in yourself? Do you feel you need an engagement ring, which would prove to you that he loves you? Do you think that you wouldn't find anyone else? Feel that you aren't good enough? It seems like he's winding you up, promising you something like marriage and stability when you haven't had any in the past. A ring on your finger won't help, honestly. Anything before that was bad will still be bad, any commitment issues you may have with him will still be there. You both sound confused. Maybe you are growing apart but still want to hold onto something that's not there anymore. If he keeps suggesting marriage maybe he is testing you, not because he wants to get married, but to know that you want to marry him. An ego boost. This is not fair on you

OK chuff I see that we are just going round in circles here so here's how it is
Yeah I was a mess before I met him there was a lot happening and he does deserve credit for me getting my life back cause after everything happened I just gave up I just wanted it all to end and he would and still does sit up with me all night if he has to talking things through with me so I can try and understand why they happened and doing that has helped

Our relationship is not as bad as it looks we do have a good relationship.it just gets hard sometimes for him to talk to me

But its complicated with my mother the illness she has is called DID (dissoavtive identity dissorder) and the way it affects people is quite hard to understand but that doesn't mean that she isn't still a mother to me she still does the things a mother would do but she does need a lot of care I can't explain how she can still be a mother to me the dissorder is just to complex

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our relationship is not as bad as it looks we do have a good relationship.it just gets hard sometimes for him to talk to me

You have doubts and fears and rightfully so, based on what you have written. Neither of you is ready for a marriage or kids, until you learn to,
communicate
trust
work together to solve your issues, and build a healthy, happy life.
Don't be confused, just keep working and LEARN how to talk and listen, since you insist on playing house together, then you must learn ALL that goes with it. Hard work ain't it!!

Tal what do you mean 'playing house'?

You live as man and wife. Your young and learning.