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My girlfriend went on a break with me about a week ago. She said that she was unhappy and needed time and space. I know you all suggest NO CONTACT, but my situation is a bit sticky because she still wants to hang out with me and we also take the same university class together, where we usually sit together. My question is... Should I try to be more aggressive with NC and decline to hang out when she asks, and not sit with her in class? Or should I remain distant but still be there for her?
She ask for a break, give it to her. That means no hanging out, or being there for her, as this leads to the friends zone. It also means being friendly and polite in class, but BRIEF! No calls to her or from her. Be busy, and unavailable. How can you give someone a break, and still be there the same as you were together? You can't so don't try. She wants you as before but with no attachments, in other words, as a friend, to keep her from being lonely, with nothing to do. Yes, she will wonder why you have backed off, and why you can't be just friends, so what. Guard your own heart, or she will tear it from your chest, and whether this is intentional, or not, it hurts like hell just the same.
YES!Quote:
Should I try to be more aggressive with NC and decline to hang out when she asks, and not sit with her in class?
NO! She will never miss your company that way, as she will have you, when she wants you. That does YOU no good. Your on a break, and in my book that means she doesn't want an official relationship with you, and is open to other options. Maybe you should be open to YOUR other options, and before you give me the old " I'm in love, I want her back" that not up to me or you, and she obviously is not loving you at this time, so, NO BEGGING! SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.Quote:
Or should I remain distant but still be there for her?
Havok,
Tal's advice is spot on. I can't even add anything to it. But I will tell you exactly what will happen if you keep talking to her. She will use you for your friendship and then leave the friendship on her terms. You can never give more then 50% and when you do as this situation demostrates she sees it as weak and WILL take advantage of it. She understand emotions better then you so demostrate through silence that you understand her game and play it right back. You are a strong man who is unmoved by her choices.
She may have asked for the break and she did so on her terms and now wants to keep you around. This is the only power you have right now and that is silence. It's a power that sucks and it's one that you will want to fight but you must challenge yourself as well as her. She wanted a break and then she wanted you to stay around so now you must prove to her that you are stronger then she believes and the only way to do that is leave the situation all together.
I guess I should be a little more clear and provide a more detailed explanation.
The thing is I believe she went on this break not because she wanted to see other people. She told me that she still loved me but couldn't have a boyfriend right now, because she's at a very stressful point struggling with her schoolwork and other social obligations. It has been a very hard and busy time for her this year and I believe that I did, in part, drive her away by making her feel obligated to spend the little free time that she did have with me (though she keeps telling me I was a perfect boyfriend). But she even said that we will get back together very soon, like less than a month. When we do hang out she acts like we're still together (basically do everything but kiss). I don't know what to make of this situation
How old are you two??
Doesn't change a thing from the above advice.
One girl broke up with me because she didn't want to date anyone at that time. A month later, she was dating someone else.
Not saying its going to play that way... but its one thing to say I'm with you but I need to focus on other stuff, so I'm going to be with you, but I'm going to be busy.
Here, she cut the ties. She's holding you hostage, since you are willing to wait. In the meantime, she gets her space, has control, and gets to choose whatever she wants in the end.
At the very least, id be a little pi$$ed. Doesn't mean walk away yet, but stop being there for her so much. Don't be a butler. What?. she doesn't have unlimited time for you, but you are willing to be there for her whenever she needs to see you?
If she wants a break, make it a break. That means she doesn't get the comfort of you being available when she needs a shoulder. Unless you just want to be a girlfriend.
I know, I know. You don't want to lose her. Well what about yourself? Are you willing to lose yourself for someone else?
Her points might be valid. If she doesn't feel like she can date right now, that's fine. Its not evil. Its not even mean. Its where she is, if its true. But that doesn't mean its right for you. At the very least, id emotionally step back.
If you get back together, she has to explain why this won't happen every time she gets busy. Again... its one thing to ask for more space when you are busy... its another to say lets break up for a time.
She wants a buddy now - and if you can handle that, fine. But, I doubt it.Quote:
Originally Posted by hav0k
Couples can share time together even under stress, as long as you allow her to study and go out for fresh air and not be demanding. If you did all these things and respected her space, then she wants out. Don't stop living your life and enjoying things you like to do, and don't stay home alone being sad... you deserve better. If she comes around, fine, if not - oh well, another bit of experience that helps you grow - just like millions of other people - we do survive, honest.
Never place another person in the center of your universe - treat yourself better.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
To answer Tal's question -> we're both 20
And in response to others ->
She has expressed a few times before when we were dating that she needed space, which I did not give to her. As a boyfriend, I'd say I was pretty demanding. So, I do partially feel like I forced her into this situation. Although she still claims I was a good boyfriend, I do believe this to be the source of her unhappiness.
I don't know... maybe I'm in denial and maybe I'm putting her on a pedastel. I'm still trying to figure this whole situation out myself. Thoughts please?
Here are my thoughts. You are not listening to a damn thing anybody is telling you. Do not put her on a pedastal. Do not contact her. Do not talk to her. Do the exact opposite of everything you are thinking of doing.Quote:
Originally Posted by hav0k
She told you she needed space so she could drop you at a moments notice. Quit making excuses for her behavior. Maybe you were not perfect but she is the one who dumped you and you can't even see what happened.
I am telling you, you are killing this situation. Stop it. Just stop. She wants a man, solid like a rock and you are going back and forth and worst of all you are not listening. DO NOT TALK TO HER. DO NOT ENGAGE IN SELF PITY. DO NOT START MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER BEHAVIOR. Everybody who has posted here has given you the same advice in different words. Tal's advice is one of his better posts ever and you still ignore it. DO NOT TALK TO HER.
If you were that good why does she need space? Simply give her what she asked for. All the space she can handle and then some.
I agree with the others. If you are there for her when she wants something then you are just for convenience and it will be too easy for her to keep things where they are.
As long as she sees you are pining away for her she knows she can continue the just friends cause she knows you will be there whenever so she knows she can go a month or a year.
NC she may just realize just how much difference there is without you and maybe reconsider her decision.
Nine times out of ten, what has happen is that through no contact, a fog lifts, and we see those partners for what they really are, flawed, confused humans with problems, just like us.
Amen.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I haven't done anything yet... how can I kill the situation. I'm just trying to analyze everything and consider everyone's advice before I act. In order to do that, I wanted to convey a clearer picture to everyone.Quote:
Originally Posted by chuff
You are going on emotions. That is understandable this is an emotional situation but your letting your emotions take the lead and that is going to kill you because you are acting out in a desperate manner. In each post after your OP you are NOT conveying a clearer picture, you are attempting to get someone to agree with you so that you can call or talk to her because that is what you want.Quote:
Originally Posted by hav0k
Look bro, I'm telling you this as a guy who is going through this same problem right now... not someone who did it before, but right now. She started pulling away from me and instead of thinking with my logical brain I went full steam ahead. I broke my own rule that you never give more then 50%. I was giving 100% and guess what I'm without the person I've been with for almost a year. She continued to push me away, like your girl has been doing, and instead of match her at her game and back off (ie when they pull back you pull back) I continued to pursue. I completely flip floped the entire relationship because she was the one that chased me originally. Why... because women love challenge. You are presenting no challenge and demostrating no authority to her.
That picture does not need to be made clear, everybody sees it but you. That's not a knock on you because you are in a desperate time and you are thinking irrationally. I don't blame you, I was just there two weeks ago. She has all the power over you right now, which is horrible for you because women love powerful men. There is only one way to demostrate to her that you don't need her and prove how powerful you are to her. That way is to not talk to her. Furthermore, that is exactly what she should expect since she asked for this, for her to dump you then tell you to hang around as her friend is lame, petty, and beneath you.
Chuff is right, your situation is clear to everyone but you, and if you back up a few minutes, and look objectively at what's going on, you would see what we see. She is making the rules, and setting the tone, for how this will work in her favor, and your scuffling to keep up, and salvage a few crumbs. Love yourself enough to act in YOUR best interest, and keep your dignity and self respect. You can't change her, but you have full power, and control over what you do. Two choices here, one is to do it her way, and be her girlfriend, until her interests wonder elsewhere, or be responsible for your own health, and happiness, which I might add, she cares nothing about. Your call!
She can't have it both ways. She wants space from the relationship but wants you as a "kissing" friend. If you can just be friends with her without it causing you pain, go for it, but cut out the kissing. If it makes you uncomfortable then back off and give her what she asked for. Keep your distance from her. If she asks why you're backing off from her, tell her you are doing what she asked, giving her space. In the meantime, don't pine away for her. She is no longer your girlfriend as per her request, so you treat her as you would any other girl that you know.Quote:
Originally Posted by hav0k
She broke up with you, she was doing for herself what she felt she needed to do, now you need to do for yourself. Don't let her cause you any undue pain, remove yourself from her and allow yourself to heal. If she decides she wants you back, think long and hard before you let her come back.
I wish you well
I don't know if your ex is using you, she is doing what is best for her, but it is unfair to ask you for space but want to be acting like you're still dating.
You do what is best for you. If this bothers you, back off from her. This is now about you. Her feelings are no longer an issue.
hav0k, you have to follow the advice given above if you want to save yourself..
When I first came on here I was surprised at the pessimism shown in everyone, but it turned out that they had predicted my break up one week before it happened - but I wouldn't believe them.. If I had listened to the advice that was given to me and used the advice, I would have been better off.
Yes. Absolutely. She asked for the break so she gets what she asked for! I'd consider moving my seat in the class you have together unless the professor requires you to sit there specifically or there's some other compelling academic reason for you to do so.Quote:
Should I try to be more aggressive with NC and decline to hang out when she asks, and not sit with her in class?
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