Ask Me Help Desk - Ex is playing games am I right to walk away?

I posted a question here about three weeks ago and I got some really great advice back, it was with regards to my ex-girlfriend, we had been out of contact for about two months after trying to be friends, I thought I was never going to hear from her again, and to be honest I was slowly getting use to that fact, then low and behold I heard from her again. Only now I only seem to be more confused, I was really hoping that someone or someone's might be kind enough to give me some independent advice as I feel that's really what I need, I only hope I explain this right.

To give an explanation. My ex-girlfriend and I are 23 and 25 respectively, we had been dating for three and a half years, in which we had been travelling together for a year, we have been through many emotional rollercoasters together, some good some bad. My ex, as some might remember from my last thread has what you might call baggage, she suffers from manic depression, bulimia and anorexia. Which has plagued her for almost half of her life. When we broke up it wasn't because either of us cheated or anything like that, it had just gotten bad.

I felt I had never really gotten closure from the relationship and I always found that really hard to bear. Well a day before my birthday, she started texting me all of a sudden, wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how lost she has been without me, and that she doesn't know who she is without me, and that she loves me. After a long think, and probably weakness I texted back. We talked and eventually met a few times, I kept it very cool and uncomplicated I waited for her to initialize things and tried to show her that I had changed and was getting on with my life, we went for drink, cinema, drives and it was amazing. Although it kind of felt like we were glossing over things and weren't talking about the nitty gritty and I really felt myself going backwards again from within, the way she ended it last time really hurt, and I really wanted to avoid going through that pain again. I decided I would rather take pain now than much furher down the line.

So I sat her down and asked her what she meant by those messages, she said that she really missed me and wanted to hear from me, I asked her does she want friendship or more. Her response was that she is so messed up at the moment that she needs to sort herself out first, try and make herself happy again before she can even think about going into a relationship with anyone, she just couldn't handle a relationship in her current state of mind, which I do kind of agree with. I had to be honest with her and tell her that I don't think at the moment I could just be her friend without having motives towards a relationship, I was scared that I wouldn't be any good as a friend to her, and that it would lead to me being all messed up in the head again. Which I was. We cried, hugged, and told each other how much we loved one another, and that was it I walked away.

Next day, I couldn't go to work every time I spoke to someone I just burst into tears, I text her and told her how I was feeling and she said she was exactly the same, and that she loved me so much and was so confused, before going to bed I received this message from her

" i HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO HARD. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALOT THAT WENT WRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE WAY I AM. I WANT DESPERATELY TO SORT MYSELF OUT. SO I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT HURTS! I NEED TIME - EVERYTHING IS STILL SO SAW AND PAINFUL. WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE. BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER WANTING TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. X X"

I haven't replied. What does this mean? What should I do? I love her but it could take months and then she might change her mind, this is so hard. Please help.

Hi, Pistol,
You would be much better off moving on. Finding someone else will be hard, but if you try, you can do it.
It takes time to get over someone; talking with new girls can help a lot.

Bottom line: I've seen this before. She NEEDS attention!! She has no motives to get back together from what you are telling us... she's playing with you. Stop giving her attention - make her work for you.

Don't give in!

And for the LOVE OF GOD!! Quit telling her how you feel and what you want!! You being WAY too much of a 'nice guy' - she needs A CHALLENGE!! You tell her how you feel and what you want and you will never get her back.

You're broke for a reason and it sounds like it was her.

What does this mean? : I thin kshe is playing you - SEEING IF SHE STILL HAS YOU. I advise NOT responding. Women do this all the time - it's a test - a test to see if you will still coem running.

Thank you for your advice, I completely agree with what your saying Wildcat she does need attention, and I can't understand why she got back in contact with me, she impled in her messages that she loved me, couldn't live with out me, etc etc...

But then it turned out that she isn't ready for that, and that she needs to sort herself out. Which is true she does need to sort herself out, as I said she has bulimia and this illness has totally consumed her. As well as the fact she seems hooked on laxatives. I would like to try and be her friend and help her sort out these problems but I just don't think I can be, without getting all messed up in my head again, wanting us to start a relationship again, and probably screwing things up and not helping her. Bulimia is strange only the people close to her knows what it does, she hides it, so knew people she meets would not have a clue, and I guess that's probably good for her!

Since we said our goodbyes, I haven't made contact with her in anyway, it's valentines today and I haven't sent her anything. Am I doing the right thing, part of me wishes she would come back to me, part of me doesn't too many problems, I'm so confused, but then if I do want her back I don't want to force her, does anyone have any ideas on this its so confusing.

Pistol - I think you're handling it best.

If you are to be together - it won't be today. I know it's hard. But, you can't be her lap dog either - ever.

I do believe, and even more so now, she needs attention. I hope to hell she has seen a doctor and maybe a shrink - seriously. She needs help that you can't give her.

In a perfect world you could be there and help - but it's not. And emotions are involved and you want more out of this.

You situatin needs time. IF she really means it she needs to SHOW IT!! Not say it - right now, because of what has happened in the pasts - words don't mean much - talk is cheap.

Sounds like she has low self esteem and insecure and needs attention - but that's it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pistol2381

I posted a question here about three weeks ago and I got some really great advice back, it was with regards to my ex-girlfriend, we had been out of contact for about two months after trying to be friends, I thought I was never going to hear from her again, and to be honest I was slowly getting use to that fact, then low and behold I heard from her again. Only now I only seem to be more confused, I was really hoping that someone or someone's might be kind enough to give me some independent advice as I feel thats really what I need, I only hope I explain this right.

To give an explanation. My ex-girlfriend and I are 23 and 25 respectively, we had been dating for three and a half years, in which we had been travelling together for a year, we have been through many emotional rollercoasters together, some good some bad. My ex, as some might remember from my last thread has what you might call baggage, she suffers from manic depression, bulimia and anorexia. which has plagued her for almost half of her life. When we broke up it wasn't because either of us cheated or anything like that, it had just gotten bad.

I felt I had never really gotten closure from the relationship and I always found that really hard to bear. Well a day before my birthday, she started texting me all of a sudden, wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how lost she has been without me, and that she doesn't know who she is without me, and that she loves me. After a long think, and probably weakness I texted back. We talked and eventually met a few times, I kept it very cool and uncomplicated I waited for her to initialize things and tried to show her that I had changed and was getting on with my life, we went for drink, cinema, drives and it was amazing. Although it kind of felt like we were glossing over things and weren't talking about the nitty gritty and I really felt myself going backwards again from within, the way she ended it last time really hurt, and I really wanted to avoid going through that pain again. I decided I would rather take pain now than much furher down the line.

So I sat her down and asked her what she meant by those messages, she said that she really missed me and wanted to hear from me, I asked her does she want friendship or more. Her response was that she is so messed up at the moment that she needs to sort herself out first, try and make herself happy again before she can even think about going into a relationship with anyone, she just couldn't handle a relationship in her current state of mind, which i do kind of agree with. I had to be honest with her and tell her that I don't think at the moment I could just be her friend without having motives towards a relationship, I was scared that I wouldn't be any good as a friend to her, and that it would lead to me being all messed up in the head again. Which I was. We cried, hugged, and told each other how much we loved one another, and that was it I walked away.

Next day, I couldn't go to work everytime I spoke to someone I just burst into tears, I text her and told her how I was feeling and she said she was exactly the same, and that she loved me so much and was so confused, before going to bed I received this message from her

" i HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO HARD. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALOT THAT WENT WRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE WAY I AM. I WANT DESPERATELY TO SORT MYSELF OUT. SO I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT HURTS! I NEED TIME - EVERYTHING IS STILL SO SAW AND PAINFUL. WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE. BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER WANTING TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. X X"

I haven't replied. What does this mean? What should I do? I love her but it could take months and then she might change her mind, this is so hard. Please help.

If she had all those illnessess she needs help until that happens don't fall in her trap because she is sick not her fault but she is she needs help sorry

Quote:

Originally Posted by pistol2381

I posted a question here about three weeks ago and I got some really great advice back, it was with regards to my ex-girlfriend, we had been out of contact for about two months after trying to be friends, I thought I was never going to hear from her again, and to be honest I was slowly getting use to that fact, then low and behold I heard from her again. Only now I only seem to be more confused, I was really hoping that someone or someone's might be kind enough to give me some independent advice as I feel thats really what I need, I only hope I explain this right.

To give an explanation. My ex-girlfriend and I are 23 and 25 respectively, we had been dating for three and a half years, in which we had been travelling together for a year, we have been through many emotional rollercoasters together, some good some bad. My ex, as some might remember from my last thread has what you might call baggage, she suffers from manic depression, bulimia and anorexia. which has plagued her for almost half of her life. When we broke up it wasn't because either of us cheated or anything like that, it had just gotten bad.

I felt I had never really gotten closure from the relationship and I always found that really hard to bear. Well a day before my birthday, she started texting me all of a sudden, wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how lost she has been without me, and that she doesn't know who she is without me, and that she loves me. After a long think, and probably weakness I texted back. We talked and eventually met a few times, I kept it very cool and uncomplicated I waited for her to initialize things and tried to show her that I had changed and was getting on with my life, we went for drink, cinema, drives and it was amazing. Although it kind of felt like we were glossing over things and weren't talking about the nitty gritty and I really felt myself going backwards again from within, the way she ended it last time really hurt, and I really wanted to avoid going through that pain again. I decided I would rather take pain now than much furher down the line.

So I sat her down and asked her what she meant by those messages, she said that she really missed me and wanted to hear from me, I asked her does she want friendship or more. Her response was that she is so messed up at the moment that she needs to sort herself out first, try and make herself happy again before she can even think about going into a relationship with anyone, she just couldn't handle a relationship in her current state of mind, which i do kind of agree with. I had to be honest with her and tell her that I don't think at the moment I could just be her friend without having motives towards a relationship, I was scared that I wouldn't be any good as a friend to her, and that it would lead to me being all messed up in the head again. Which I was. We cried, hugged, and told each other how much we loved one another, and that was it I walked away.

Next day, I couldn't go to work everytime I spoke to someone I just burst into tears, I text her and told her how I was feeling and she said she was exactly the same, and that she loved me so much and was so confused, before going to bed I received this message from her

" i HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO HARD. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALOT THAT WENT WRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE WAY I AM. I WANT DESPERATELY TO SORT MYSELF OUT. SO I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT HURTS! I NEED TIME - EVERYTHING IS STILL SO SAW AND PAINFUL. WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE. BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER WANTING TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. X X"

I haven't replied. What does this mean? What should I do? I love her but it could take months and then she might change her mind, this is so hard. Please help.

I see this all the time. Randomly texting to get your attention, telling you what you want to hear, but if you respond with what she wants to hear chances are she'll change her mind. It doesn't take any form of illness to do what she's doing, I know at least two dozen guys who have dated the same kind of girl. They're called drama queens. They need attention to feel better about themselves, and it takes a lot to get them to stop.

If she contacts you again, recommend she sees a therapist to help work out her problems, but DON'T DIVE BACK IN!! This will lead to the same thing a little later down the road. What's the best idea right now is to do as she was saying, make yourself happy, worry about your problems before deciding to take on anyone else's. Trust me, in a few years you'll be happy you did!