I recently moved to a new city to join a grad program in psychology and neuroscience. I don't know why but even after a year I feel like I have no friends. I do talk to people and I'm pleasant but people see me as aloof. Somehow I find myself unable to join and mingle with people and have them like me and want to be with me. I'm not desperate and rarely run after people but I do try to be warm. Still I feel that people reject me. They'll invite everyone to a party but not me. Am I repulsive? Boring? I have many things to talk about, share, love good joke. I do tend to be a bit serious and find it hard to be lighthearted. Still I've seen many serious people find friends and boyfriends and what not. What is wrong with me. Please don't tell me tips from "how to win friends and influence people" I cannot be fake. I rarely find people who enjoy what I do-watching indie films, going to concerts art, music etc. rather I don't find people who have my taste in these things. But there's got to be someone! I feel like people are only nice to me out of pity. It makes me hate this world. I hate pity. Why isn't it enough that I'm myself? I don't expect to be liked by everyone- just someone.please help.

I have been finding the same. People seem content with where their lives are and not interested in expanding friendships or anything. I don't know if it is because they are so caught up in their own life to be bothered or because people do not trust others much any more or what but it is NOT you. It seems to be the normal any more.

I have the same interests and can't find anybody interested in going places and doing things either.

All it takes is one sociable acquaintance and you're in a crowd. It's sad but true. The sociable person can bring you in and make you part of the group. People can be so clique oriented.

At your age,I always found "sociable" people to be fake (well, except for one.) So, what I did was find people who needed me. Sometimes these people are socially undesirable, but if they need a friend too, they'll hang out with you. This may sound like loser mentality, but it frees you from climbing the social ladder with those who are busy looking accepted. Why look like you're wanted? Be wanted.

Later, when you've gotten your degree and a good job, the "right" crowd may be more important. Maybe you'll end up in that crowd, maybe not.

Perhaps you could find a club or organization that you could be a member of where the people share the same interests as you? Do you play an instrument? Do you like to sing? Do you like to dance? Do you like to read a lot? Do you like to go to church? Have you checked the media of various types for social clubs and activities that are going on in your area?

I do know what it feels like to think that I have no friends. If I wasn't involved in the various musical activities that I am in, I'm sure that I would find myself somewhat isolated because of the nature of my self-employment.

Those are just some ideas for you...

Thanks for your answer. I do hang out with people of my own interest but usually, I find that even within that group, everyone else gets together and I get left out. So I don't know what's going on.

I know that is why I hate being in groups too I always feel like the one 'left out' too.

I think what you need to first learn to do is learn how to enjoy your own company, be by yourself sometime and if you can't even stand to be alone then maybe there is something people don't like being around you...

I was thinking about your situation. There may be something you do, or don't do that causes others to leave you out.

Do you remove clothes promptly from the washer and dry them. If not, you may smell like mold.
How about talking/chewing with your mouth full and open?
Do you brush and floss at least twice daily?
Do you wear a cologne that smells good to you but maybe not to others?
Do you bathe daily, wear antiperspirant with deodorant and put on clean clothes?
Are you leaving muddy tracks behind you in their houses?
Do you wipe up spee drops and put the toilet seat down when you're done?

There are a million and one little things that I have witnessed that have caused ostracism. Yeah, some things are very little, puny! Good luck.

I just want to also add that I can relate to your feelings. I've tried to join groups and make numerous efforts at friendships, but often feel like I'm being rejected. I know that people are all pretty busy with their own lives, but some people are just down right rude about it. They also might be afraid that a person might want more of a time commitment etc than they are willing to give.

Anyway, there are times when I just feel like saying "screw it" I don't need to please anyone else, and I can just be happy doing the things I enjoy... but I do know that it gets pretty boring not sharing things in life with others. Guess the trick is to just choose who and when to share, without investing too much of you own self worth on what other people decide to do as far as if they include you or not as much as you would like them to.

It can take time to adjust to a new place and a lot depends on the city you're in. You might try leaving your comfort zone by doing something totally different to anything you've done before, yet something you genuinely find fun and interesting. Scuba diving, rock climbing, drama... I scrabbled and exercised my way through my personal drama when my marriage ended and made a few interesting friends along the way. If you workout on a treadmill for 20 minutes, you'll experience a noticeable lift in your mood. Extend that to 30 minutes and you'll be feeling much better about yourself and your life. Trust me, it works.

There are a lot of us just like you.I am looking for friends too.I find that a lot of people like drama in their lives.And just think about it they are very lonely people too.If those people that you want to know are doing those things you really don't need then in your those you want to find friends that like your interests,go to those places,hang around and you might find the right group of friends! And try to remember if you just get one true friend that's all a person would need.cause who needs a bunch of untrue friends. Mdk pitt pa

Don't be easily available to anybody... people tend to neglect those who they are always there for them in their needs... I am telling this from my personal experiences... you can rarele find true friendship... people are there just to use you when they need... but when you want them they are BUSY in something else... so my suggestion is just be happy in yourself... remember you are your best friend... dont let anyone to hurt you... people hardly bother about those crap emotions... beleive me dear... in this world there is just no place for this... grow up & enjoy life as much as you can... without pondering over things which is not meant for you... hope this will help you

How about a local message board that has a site for seeking friends. I know of a couple people in my crowd who were "brought in" by a friend who frequents our local Craigslist. He chatted with them through email for a while and then eventually invited them to a dinner party and now they are a big central part of our group. (He is straight, married and tolerant and they are a gay couple who were just looking for friends with similar interests.)

Maybe give it a try, what do you have to lose?

The biggest turn off about people who are looking for friends is that they're desperate and needy. THEY don't think they come off that way... but it's an uncomfortable feeling for those around them, and it makes people NOT want to be around them, which in turn makes them even lonelier and more in need of friends.

First things first: be happy with your own company. I know that was stated above, but it's an extremely important trait to have.

Second--don't be a "yes-man". Disagree with people (without sounding like a know-it-all, if possible) and don't feel the "need" to fit in with a specific group, or to hang out with a specific person.

Third--have YOU done any inviting? Have you turned people down when they've done the inviting? Make yourself available, without being TOO into it. Invite people along when you're going to go do something, but even if they say no, do it anyway! I've invited people to the museum, and gone alone. I've invited people shopping, and gone alone. Eventually when people realize that you really ARE going to do that activity, with or without them, they stop seeing it as an excuse to hang out with somebody, ANYbody.

As has been suggested above--go out and do the things you like, with or without others. If someone (even if it's someone YOU don't necessarily want to hang around) expresses interest, invite them along. You're in school--join social clubs. Go to church. Even if you don't devoutly believe in whatever religion you prescribe to--church is very much a social activity.

And the best way to meet good people? Volunteer your time. Join Habitat for Humanity. Read at a nursing home. Become a Big Brother/Big Sister. Coach at the YMCA. Call your local city's municiple building and ask about volunteer opportunities. Become involved with Special Olympics. Join an amateur theatre group--even if you don't act, there are LOTS of things to be done behind the scenes. There are MILLIONS of opportunities to help others, and in helping others, you can meet great people who are not all about themselves.

The biggest thing, though, is to stop wanting to be friends with people who have not expressed an interest in being friends with you.

Believe me--I know all about moving and not being able to make friends. I'm in one of the most socially awkward phases of life--married, but with no kids. My single friends want to do things I no longer have interest in (going to the bars and scoping out guys when I've got the perfect guy is just dumb to me), and my married friends have kids, and frankly, I have little in common with people whose lives (rightly so!) revolve around their kids. So... making friends is hard, because I don't have much in common with either sort of person--married with kids or single.

Gol,

You're too uptight... *RELAX*... don't be a perfectionist, don't over-think life.

I think you should take up tennis and/or volleyball immediately. People who *play sports* lose all their uptightness pretty quickly. :) It's hard to be a perfectionist when lying flat on your back!!

There are many sports to play... get going. Loosen up! RELAX. Use sports as a way to get out of yourself! :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Choux

gol,

You're too uptight....*RELAX*....don't be a perfectionist, don't over-think life.

I think you should take up tennis and/or volleyball immediately. People who *play sports* lose all their uptightness pretty quickly. :) It's hard to be a perfectionist when lying flat on your back!!!

There are many sports to play.... get going. Loosen up! RELAX. Use sports as a way to get out of yourself!! :)

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I agree find something to help you relax a little, the fact that you say that you have found groups where people have the same interest as you and yet you are still feeling rejected may mean that you are doing something to turn people away... that concerns me :(

But it may not be a huge problem though! Keep in mind...

You don't have to be fake to be warm, welcoming and to make people feel wanted/comfortable in your presence... smile more, engage in conversations... maybe you should find someone in one of those groups that you find interesting and YOU INVITE them to lunch or some kind of activity you like! Try to take more control of your social life. After all, Life is what you make it!

Dude... make a good thing out of it. Be proud that you have no friends... lol I know that sound a little far out but whatever. It is your uniqueness that makes it that way, and isn't being unique a good thing? I LOVE (and sometimes get bored of the fact) that I am the ONLY person I know in my town that is the way I am, and I live in a small town so I know EVERYONE. I am the most far from conceited but I can say that people love me... I have many people who enjoy my company, although I only chill with like a couple people. I have lived in the same town for 17 years and still have no friends. Being honest, respectful, and loyal to everyone is key to being enjoyed as a person, no matter what you're into. Haha most of the people I know that I would be destined to chill with everyday are all from the internet and different forums lol but we have our good chats. Think how hard it is for me to find friends : Im 17 years old, Im a girl, I looove to party but I'm not a crack head, Im deeply into meditation and mind power, I am a strong christian, and I have this obsession with creativity and art, I love reggae and metal, and I am "the hippiest girl" you'll ever meet. Lol.. there's not a lot out there like me. Most chicks my age are all obsessed with how expensive their clothes are and how popular their boyfriend is and pop music and cellphones and out-doing each other.. its nuts. Lol.

Go to the local bars,clubs,join a cooking club, keep putting yourself out there you'll eventually find friends

I do hope that golusi will return to read and respond to the responses that have been posted here, since golusi hasn't logged back onto this site since April 12, 2008 at 10:19 A.M.

Maybe he/she found friends lol