Ask Me Help Desk - Will I get him back?

I was having an affair for the last three years. We were loving each other like anything. I was very honest and I used to tell him each and everything. He was also very honest. Our relation was so strong that we even had sex. I believe that I should have sex, only with that guy whom I marry. But recently, one guy came into my life. I tried to keep away from him. He was coming close to me. I could realise that I have an attraction towards him. I felt guilty. My boyfriend was telling me not to get close with that person. But unfortunately I had more situations to get close to him even though I tried not to be. Finally my mind got slipped somewhere I realised. My boyfriend could realize some behavioural changes in me. He asked me what is happening to me. I could not say anything. I always felt that I was cheating him bcause he never expected this from me. But finally one day I told him that I love that guy. I know I did wrong. My boyfriend's heart got broken. He started hating me. He stopped the relation. I was calling him again. He begged me not to call him again. I didn't want to cheat him at all. Then my friends told me if he loves you really he will call you back. I was in a dilemma. By the mean time I was with the other guy. He knew that I was loving my boyfriend so much. He told me that if my boyfriend doesn't come back he will be with me. So I didn't call him for some days. But after some time I got to be alone at my home. I was missing my boyfriend like anything. I realised this very late. I started calling him again and again. I was crying and begged him that I would never repeat it again. But he is not emotional and told me that he can't trust me anymore. He has made up his mind and told me that everything is over. And I know him very well. He will not take any decisions emotionally. He was telling me that the life has just started and forget these three years. He was telling me that even if he comes back he can't love me the way he was loving me before. He will doubt me always. And we can't be happy. He will expect this kind of behavior from me again. He knows that I am very emotional and that's why am crying. So he has taken this decision for the good of both of us. But I am not able to imagine me without him. I am crying everyday for him and for what I did. Ultimately he is the man of my dreams. I realised that I can't live without him. I talked to him so many times and he is very firm in his decision. He is always telling me that he can't trust me. Myfriends also called him many times. After that they are telling me that I should forget him and start a new life. But ours was a matured love and we were like husband and wife. And I am ready to wait for him hoping that one day he realises my love for him and comes back to me. Will he come back? I really love him and miss him a lot... What should I do now? Please help me out...

asterda

Hi Asterda,

Be confident . Don't be too much emotional.What your boy friend is telling is very right.Even though if he accepts you now. then later at any point of time. he may doubt about u.. So just leave this & try to concentrate in other things.. & make yourself diverted.
All the best

Welcome to AMHD.com, asterda. I'm going be honest with you, this relationship is over. You have to first learn how to accept this before you could even ask yourself will you two get back together.

Give yourself some closure: Put all of his stuff in a box that you keep in the hall closet; you will go crazy looking at pictures and such. Don't throw this stuff away because I'm being optimistic he may return. If he has things that he wants to pick up let him give him all his things. Let him ask for it though. People leave things so they could come back. It is easier to say I need to pick up a book then it is to say I miss you and I want to try again.

Write him a letter apologize, explain how you feel and tell him that your hope that he finds happiness even if it is not with you. Leave your number. Consider this your last contact with the person, explain this in the letter. Don't call him for ANY reason. Birthdays, Holidays, family death, these are excuses to reach out and you have lost that right. The ball is in his court not yours, if he wants to work it out with you, it's his decision.

Whether he decides to give you another chance you have get your stuff together. Seek counseling if you can afford it. In the post you made it seem has if this affair was by chance, like it was something you didn't have control of. You have to understand that you made a conscience decision to cheat. I'm not saying you woke up one morning and said to yourself I want to have an affair. It was a process, maybe you find this person attractive, then you start talking, this maybe something you consider innocent compliments, then maybe flirting, then things get physically, you hug and maybe even kiss, and then leads to other things and others and then you turned to the dark side.

You have to know at which point the relationship starts turning inappropriate. Quick example: I'm dressed in a business entire for an interview and from there I went to work a couple of women complimented me on the way I looked. Wow, you clean up nice, or look very handsome today. I thank them and continue my day has normal. IF one of these women decide that to strike up a conversations out of the blue and displaying the signs that she is interested in me I would jam the brakes on the conversation and tell her that I really should get back to work. She will mostly get the hint and leave.

I'm a little extreme with my contact with other women. It's to the point where women outside of my life think I'm gay. There are those that say there is no harm in looking your married not dead. People who window shop only because they can't afford to purchase the item they like. They see a pair of $200.00 boots, and say to themselves I have a mortgage, rent is due, gas prices are rising.. I'll pass.

How big is your mental/moral bank account? The cost of cheating is huge, learn from this.

Thanks for the reply... but I tried a lot to forget... but am not able to... its been more than one month... and I know I can wait for him... maybe one day he comes bak...

U should wait for him for sometime... he might have felt bad... give him som time... let him realise things... if he loves you he will realise your love one day... but you should make him understand that you love him truly...

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Will he come back? I really love him and miss him a lot... What should I do now? Please help me out...

Your feelings are way to late, as you have already screwed this relationship up beyond repair, I feel. Sorry but no self respecting man, would trust you with his heart, after your bad behavior, and why should he? There are more loyal females out there. Learn your lesson, and move on.

Oh Honey! Ive been and don't that so let me tell you... its over. Even though you guys had what seem like a great relationship, he is NOT the last man on Earth. Just take it as a lesson learned. I believe that life is already written out so this was supposed to happen. Sometimes God allows things to happen in our life so that we will learn from them. Maybe this happened because you haven't truly meet the right guy for you. So this one was just a "test drive." So now when you do find the "right guy" you will know what to do because of previous experiences. Don't feel like it's the end of the world just because some guy isent in your life anymore... You are only human. You live, learn, and move on, its just a part of life. I hope I have helped you solve your problem... just take it one day at a time.

But what I felt for the other guy was an attraction only.. and even my boyfrnd knws that... and in our three year relationship I didn't make any such kind of situations before... I was loving him lik anything and he too was trusting me... this time also I only told him that I felt something for the other guy... the very next day I told my boyfrnd that I simply told you lik that... I don't love anyone other than you... but he was not ready to believe me... my friends wer telling me that you did wrong but not that much for him to leave you lik this... and I want to let him know that I love him truly... and it was a mere attraction and nothing more than that...

Obviously your friends are wrong, and he does feel that you were too!

Hmm.. I know and I am not justifying myself... I know what I did is wrong... and am ready to punish myself... wat if I wait for him for 2 yrs without anyone in my life... he knws that my parents are forcing me to marry...

Since no one can know what tomorrow brings it's a risk we take, waiting for someone to change their minds, is such a waste of time, especially 2 years. That's a lot of waiting for nothing.

I know that.. let it be a punishment for myself... else also I don't think I will be able to picture someone else in his position.. bcoz thts how I am... and I think sacrifices in life have its own power... dnt know this decision is right or wrong...

Once you have healed, you will find things work out for the better. Right now though, you can't see through the heartbreak.

thanks for the inspiration... hope everything will get fine.. but one thing I know for sure.. I will not be able to live my life happily with some other person else he doesn't understand me... I will feel that I am cheating that guy... honesty is something that I value.. and thts what happened in this relation alos... I was too honest... I sometimes told even the minutest things and he knws that well.. he was always telling me that am sincere.. I have never cheated him.. I just told him something I felt... every humans can feel that way.. may be they know to hide it as well... I shudnt have told him that and could have loved him more... dont know every human is different... so am sure that I will not be able to accept some other person in my life.. and that's wy am ready to wait for him... he knows all these things about me... that am very emotional... I take decisions very fast and all... he has changed me a lot.. thanx for that... hope he will understand me...

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hope he will understand me...

The object of life, is to understand yourself, and love yourself. You will!

Punish yourself? I don't mean any harm but I think you need to seek some professional help. I don't even know you and I'm worried! You are ONLY HUMAN! That means you make MISTAKES it happens and anyone who can't except that doesent deserve you anyway. I thank you should sit down and have a long talk with yourself. Lay out all of the problems you have and let them go. If its meant for you to be with this guy than it will happen but just in case it doesn't work you need to have yourself together. YOU are more important than him. You can't be happy with someone if your not happy with yourself. Give yourself time to grow first... then seek a relationship.

Its been more than one month now... I can't keep myself frm thinking all these... am not fine even now. But he willl not be able to aacept me at this point of time. Everyone will make mistakes I know.but how the other person will get hurt... thts also a question.. I didn't think about that at that point of time.. but now am thinking... am regreting... but I need to give him some time... wat if one day he accepts me.. I know the chances are very less.. but still... hope is the one which helps me live each day...

Hi asterda, I'm just new member here at AMHD.com... I know what your hearts aching for now... but please help yourself and try to forget him... try to date someone else because you don't have any assurance for him right now... so, its just like your wasting your time to wait him so long... and maybe he has already a new girl now... so stop waiting hence, love yourself more... God is good... he will give you a man whom you deserve to be with... Accept to yourself that it's over and think its just a lesson for you to be learned... take good care of yourself always and God bless!

You must love yourself enough to rebuild your life without him. He has chosen his path, and you must chose yours. Choose to be happy with yourself.