Ask Me Help Desk - Father Son dilema.

Hi, lately I've been feeling very scared about my future and the person I will become. I'm going to be 18 in less than a month and I can already see patterns of my dad's reactions and ways of dealing with situations. I hate it.

He is a very hard person to live with and is constantly in stress or in a bad mood. Every situation will end with is his way, emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, or (not so much lately) violence.. He holds on to the IM RIGHT BECAUSE I'M THE FATHER. You're the SON SO BE THE SON AND TAKE MY WORD AS GOSPEL. I just flat-out disagree with him on so many of his views..

I used to and still do tell myself.. "just ignore it.." "just get over it.. he just doesnt know.. what can you do" "i never want to be like that." and so on..

I find myself resenting him and his old fashioned ways more and more every day of my life. He has done a lot for me and I KNOW he loves me. I'm positive. He is just the worst person to communicate with. He doesn't understand that other people have different opinions.

With him and I, it is one of those relationships where I can't be myself or say what I am really thinking because he will explode. I have distanced myself lately and have been fending for myself around the house lately, I try to avoid even talking sometimes.. but when I do I keep it to the things I know won't anger him..

I have TRIED talking to him about this and he thinks I am not "being a man." That if I can't deal with it, then the door is right there.. Stupid and Immature things like that.. So I've learned to just not talk about it.. If all is right with him, he'll be okay to me..

I guess I have TWO big questions from all of this..

1: HOW CAN I PREVENT MYSELF FROM BECOMING LIKE HIM?. UNREASONABLE AND HARD TO BE AROUND...

2: WHAT CAN I DO NOW TO GET BY WITH HIM?

Please, don't think I want to throw myself a pitty-party.. He is a descent hardworking man and I will always love him for being my father. He CARES. He just.. He can't hear other people out..

Kick his @ss...

I know this probably seems out of place at a website like this... but when I was a sophomore in high school, I was going through a similar situation with my dad. I got him on the ground and cocked one back. I didn't hit him, I just convulsed my entire body and flexed it on him, and from that point on he gave me the respect I wanted, knowing that I could, and wasn't afraid to protect myself.

I don't know what your situation holds physically, your dad could be a cage fighter... just my personal experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FilthyDFC

Kick his @ss...

I know this probably seems out of place at a website like this... but when i was a sophmore in highschool, i was going through a similar situation with my dad. I got him on the ground and cocked one back. I didn't hit him, i just convulsed my entire body and flexed it on him, and from that point on he gave me the respect i wanted, knowing that i could, and wasn't afraid to protect myself.

I don't know what your situation holds physically, your dad could be a cage fighter... just my personal experience.

Not a good idea at all! Violence begets Violence, and will not help anything at all, and in fact could make things a lot worse.

Martin, just because you're his son, doesn't mean you have to turn out to be like him. It doesn't sound to me that you are like him anyway. You obviously are willing to talk things out.

You know him best, and unfortunately you probably won't be able to change how he reacts, but you can change how YOU do. It's too bad that you couldn't be closer as a son and father should be, but you know his buttons... so just steer clear until you are ready to be out on your own. Then you can show him that you handle things differently in your life, and you make your own rules, that don't include being like him.

Good luck! :)

1. You do have a great chance of turning out just like your dad because he has indirectly taught you his ways. If you really want to change, you really have to put a lot of time and effort into it. Commit yourself to changing. Surround yourself with people you would like to be and learn how different families handle situations.

2. I gather that your dad does not very accepting, but I think you are doing the same. Learn to accept that he is the way he is. Then go from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 121006

1. You do have a great chance of turning out just like your dad because he has indirectly taught you his ways. If you really want to change, you really have to put a lot of time and effort into it. Commit yourself to changing. Surround yourself with people you would like to be and learn how different families handle situations.

2. I gather that your dad does not very accepting, but I think you are doing the same. Learn to accept that he is the way he is. Then go from there.

I disagree! Every person has their own separate personality. Personality traits CAN be a learned behaviour if the person chooses that, but it doesn't come as part and parcel of the gene package. People can choose their own behaviour, and it does not require a lot of work to get there. Just commitment!

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck8

I disagree! Every person has their own separate personality. Personality traits CAN be a learned behaviour if the person chooses that, but it doesn't come as part and parcel of the gene package.

A person does not always choose to learn. We learn how to have a family and how to handle certain types of situations by observing our parents. I never said it is in our genes, but it is the environment you are raised in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck8

People can choose their own behaviour, and it does not require alot of work to get there. Just commitment!

Changing your behavior/ personality is not easy. If it is, then you are just acting or playing the part i.e. being fake. You really have to commit to change and actually become that person you want to become. This takes hard work. If changing behavior was so easy then we'd all be fun, outgoing, Harvard graduates.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 121006

A person does not always choose to learn. We learn how to have a family and how to handle certain types of situations by observing our parents. I never said it is in our genes, but it is the environment you are raised in.

Changing your behavior/ personality is not easy. If it is, then you are just acting or playing the part i.e. being fake. You really have to commit to change and actually become that person you want to become. This takes hard work. If changing behavior was so easy then we'd all be fun, outgoing, Harvard graduates.

If you read the question carefully, it sounds like he already knows he is not like his dad, and he doesn't want to be. That's about all it takes! It doesn't sound like he thinks he needs to change his personality. I think he's just worried that as he gets older, something might mysteriously kick in, and he will turn into his dad. Well it doesn't work that way. Not if you don't want it to.

I was raised in an environment with two parents that were emotionally stunted. Although I knew they loved me, there was never any outward affection. I grew up with them thinking that showing affection was uncomfortable and unacceptable.

I didn't turn out that way at all. In fact, it taught me the complete opposite of how to treat people. I tell people I love, that I love them. If I see someone I care about, I give them a hug. If I see someone hurting, I will sit and listen. So, a lot of the times it has the complete opposite effect, and it didn't take any hard work on my part, only empathy for others... which I learned on my own and it didn't require a long hard road to work on being committed to that. It's just a decision that you make and stick to.

And as far as "fun, outgoing, and Harvard grads"? Well I don't exactly know what you are getting at there, but if you want to be a fun person?. then be fun! If you want to be outgoing?. then put yourself out there! If you want to be a Harvard Grad?. well then work hard in school, get good grades, and maybe you'll be able to apply.

Bottom line,. It is not his destiny to be like his father, in any way, shape, or form if he doesn't want to be.

1: HOW CAN I PREVENT MYSELF FROM BECOMING LIKE HIM? ..UNREASONABLE AND HARD TO BE AROUND...
By being yourself, and learning who you are. You have already taken those steps, by questioning him here. As you grow more aware of what made him who he is you will take some of it and leave what you don't like. Consider yourself fortunate to have a male role model, albeit an imperfect one, so keep learning while you can, trust me on that.
2: WHAT CAN I DO NOW TO GET BY WITH HIM?
By respecting him for what he is, and what he had to go thru. This will take years of talking, and listening as an adult, but you can still learn a lot. Again, keep learning from him, as when he is gone, your on your own. Remember, one day some big eyed kid, will be looking at you the same way, so how do you think you want to be treated? That's how you treat him now. With love and much respect.