My marriage is destructive and broke my heart
Hello. Firstly I want to I thank everyone who finds the time and generosity to read my lines and try and give me a piece of advice. I apologise for the length of my message, but I guess my situation is really complicated. I've been married for ONLY 7 months (there are almost two years since we've been living together). No kids yet. After 2 months since moving to live with him, I noticed a significant relaxation in our sexual life. I also found every week in the laundry basket towels or other pieces of clothing smelling so specifically (you guessed) and I was wondering whether my nose plays tricks on me.
Whilst at the beginning of our relationship the sex was very good, gradually he started to neglect me in bed. One day it occurred to me to check the computer... I discovered he was watching porn on it and masturbating after I was going to bed, every 2-3 nights! I was shocked, appalled, scared, confused, sick! When I told him that I discovered what he's doing, first time he said he was very sorry, he blushed and promised he won't do it again. I started to think I don't know him at all. I got depressive, needed to go to doctor and take anti-depressant treatment.
But he did it again after a short while, this time hiding 'better' the traces of his 'sins'. I caught him, just checking a bit deeper the 'application history' on the computer. When I brought it up again, asking him why is he getting away with it knowing this hurts me so much and insults my dignity, he denied. But then when I showed him the evidence. He got mad, very disruptive, he threw around and broke a few objects in the house, shouting, screaming, like a mad animal. Eventually he admitted he still had watched, but added: 'So what, what harm does it to you? You shouldn't feel hurt by it, it's not a crime what I am doing! '. Can you believe it? He didn't even felt ashamed any longer.
Then he refined more and more his methods of cheating on me with his porn videos, but so did I with tracing them down. The horror went on and on, culminating one day, when I came back home from shopping (he had been alone for a few hours) and I found in the kitchen sink a mug - while trying to wash it up, I sensed a funny smell. Well, believe it or not, it was sperm in it. I can't describe how sick and disgusted I felt. I thought he's a monster, a heartless and shameless animal. An enemy, not my fiancé (at the time).
He continued lying to me. Every time when I asked him whether he stopped doing 'the bad thing', he swore he didn't any more. He lied with so much serenity! I felt so betrayed, so humiliated, so deceived. After six months of nightmare, I simply couldn't bare the fact he was constantly 'replacing' me with all those sluts doing devious things in his porn videos, instead of enjoying a normal, harmonious sex life with me, a normal woman loving him. I decided to tell about his scandalous habits to his parents. They were shocked. His father talked to him, telling him off, saying to him he's lose me if he went on with it. It was a critical time. For a couple of days we were like two ghosts living under the same roof, he hardly talked to each other (he is a very introvert, silent, not really communicative person anyway). This time the 'wonder' lasted longer. After all his promises, I believed him. I REALLY thought he was cured by abstinence (=not watching that crap for a longer while) and that he's doing it for my sake. We got married. I was so hopeful. I thought the past is only a bad dream. But then I discovered he had watched porn and masturbated in my absence again - it took him only a month and a half after our wedding. My trust was seriously breached. I got depressive again, the same ordeal. The communication between us was affected. Making love occurred more and more rarely. His performance poorer, so on and so forth. I am an emotional mess. I entered his life looking like a flower. Now, after less than 2 yrs living with him, I look 10 years older, tired, sad, I put on weight because I found the 'refuge' from stress in eating, my general health deteriorated. I only talked to my parents about it. They both, but especially my father, were so angry and disgusted when found out about his sick deviation! They would rather see me leaving him. I don't know why, I still love him. After every argument and row, when things cooled, he said he loved me. But to me, this nightmarish relationship seems to fade and die every day, I am so so unhappy, feel so humiliated, lied in my face, fooled. Please help me! Cocolino
