Ask Me Help Desk - I need some constructive criticism for dealing with a psycho baby mama

I have been with my fiancé for a little over three years. In October of last year we broke up and he slept with his babies mother. He already has two children by her. Well we got back together and in January she said she was like three months pregnant. By this time we were already engaged and talked about wedding plans. This woman has been a thorn in my side since day one. I have had to change my number at least three times for her not to call me. She has threatened me countless times. I have a temper Lord knows and out of respect for him, his kids, and his family have not said or done anything. The woman through out the duration of our relationship has put restrictions on him seeing his kids. He pays child support but the only way that she will let him see the kids is if he goes to her house (which I can't stand but I support him). Since he slept with her he has apologized to me day in and day out. I love his son and daughter to death (6 year old and almost 3 year old).
When he and I first got together the mother was pregnant with the second child. In February I found out that I am pregnant, we have been very careful but had one drunken night. Anyway he is so excited about the baby and calls it "His baby". He says that this is the first child that he won't have restrictions on. The mother has already told him that he has to choose between her and the kids or me and his and my new baby. He basically told her to screw herself. I am just now 23, I work (40 hours a week), am in full time school, I have my real estate license and oh I pay my own bills and split the mortgage. He gave her an 04' Nissan Altima, she doesn't have a job, no college education, and is on government assistants. The woman curses in front of her kids, and is just not a nice person.
I have tried and tried to get along with this woman but nothing will work. I am so frustrated and even more so now that I am pregnant. She sends messages to his phone saying that she is still sleeping with him and what not. He will hardly answer her phone calls because he doesn't want to hear her mouth.
I just need some advice with how to deal with her. I want my child to know and love it's brother and sister and whatever else she is having. I just have this fear that she is going to make the kids hate me and my unborn baby (like jealousy issues). What should I do?

You need to seek legal advice about getting proper access to the children [well he does] explain the situation and see if there is a centre were she can drop the children off and he can collect them,tell the person dealing with the case she is making life very difficult for you both and the children explain about the calls and how many times you have had to change your number all this will help,ask if the court will set dates and times that he can have the children and were she has to stick to them

Other than that hun you need to stop stressing she's only doing it to get to you and you are letting her your pregnant if you get stressed so will your baby so keep calm

I agree with CM, because she can screw everything up, except court ordered visitations, where she can be held in contempt if she does not comply. This is something he must do, as you have no standing, and make sure all the details such as time, and place, of pick up are spelled out. After that you have nothing to say to her.

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Well I have a different take on the thing. This is on him. If he a wants to see his kids, then HE needs to go through the proper channels to make sure he does. It's not your responsibility to get along with her or her kids unless you two are married and you have joint custody of his kids. She is still in his life and she knows it. He did go back there and have unprotected sex with her and got her pregnant again. HE is your problem!
Let him deal with the problem with his kids and their mother, and he will if he really wants to. And you keep things right with your child.
He is about to have 4 kids, how old is he?

He is about to be 27, I know it's ridiculous that he is having that many kids. He wants to marry me right now but I want to wait until I am out of school. Plus there is no telling what the future holds in store for us. I finally got to see his daughter last night (it's been two months since I saw her last). I can't tell you how glad I was that the mother needed a night off from her daughter. Im sure that it will be another two months before I get to see her or her brother again though. She had the odasity to pack her braw in her daughters clothes! What kind of crap is that, acutally I thought it was funny. I know he is my problem and she is not, be she keeps forcing herself to be my problem. I just don't understand how a woman, a mother can be filled with so much hatred torwards someone she doesn't even know, and how she has the time to focuse all of her energy on someone who is not her kid.

She does it because as she sees it, he is still her man. Who did he run back to when you two split? She still has her hooks in him.
You have no right to see her kids, you are not their mother in fact at this point you are about to become a baby momma too.
This is his problem to deal with. He can go through the courts and get joint custody of his kids, and if you two were married, then yes you should have access to his children. This is the very reason people should not bring their children into relationships when they already have problems with one parent of the kids, or when you are just dating. Leave the kids out of it until there is a commitment or you have things settled in court. Now these kids are going to be put in a situation where there is another baby their daddy is going to be seeing more than he sees them, by a woman who is in and out of their life too.
Stop playing house and messing with these kids. Concentrate on the one you're getting ready to have and let this boyfriend of yours take care of the mess he has allowed himself to be in with this other woman and his other children.
I wish you well

My honest advice, RUN, don't walk away, just run away. I am a stepmom of 3 and my husbands ex made my life hell. She taught her children to hate me. After battling the system we finally got custody of his then teenage kids, only for me to be physically and verbally abused by them. Good luck, living it, I'd of ran.

Had to spread the rep Homegirl, but you have made some very compelling arguments. This guy needs to handle his business in a more mature way, and that will stop the chaos he has created. Sad the kids are in the middle.

First of all I am not in and out of his kids lives. We only broke up once because due to her drama. Second of all we have been engaged for quite a long time so I am not going to be just another "baby mama". Im the one holding off from getting married not him. You are right Homegirl it is sad when the kids get put into the middle like this. It's not mine or his fault that his dumb baby mama won't let him see his kids. He still took care of the woman and she still won't let him see his kids. I don't express my feelings about the situation any more because he is the one who has to step up and help his kids rather then making the situation worse. It's not my fault that he will be able to spend more time with our child rather then the other two beautiful kids that he has. His baby mama needs to be the one to quit putting her selfish needs before her kids. Oh and the baby mama is the one making he and myself go in and out of those poor kids's lives. Trust me I am fully aware of the problems that are going to happen after our baby is born.
Juse yesterday she called him over thirty times because she found out we were buying a house and that we are selling my car so that I can get a larger vehicle. He had to call the police for harassment on her. This is a every day thing. It's none of her business what we do in our relationship, I pay my own car payment and pay half of the mortgage, so her input doesn't matter. She decided to be psycho as usual went on line at public data.com and decided to pull up all of my speeding tickets and then call and throw them in our faces that she was able to find them. She is so wrapped up in me that instead of taking care of the three kids at her house she has time to Google me on line and research me, now that is pathetic.
Oh and he didn't run back to her, he got drunk and slept with her. That's it she was just a f*** like she used to be. There is a complete difference in her and myself. Running back would consist of trying to have a relationship, going over there to have sex consists only of that.
Besides the point the woman is still selfish, crazy, and trash.
I have tried over and over to be civilized with her but its just not going to work.

I don't care how long you've been engaged, the fact that you are about to have a baby by him and you are not his wife, makes you a baby mama just like her. You're smart not to marry him, he comes with too much drama. (and God forbid he gets drunk again.) If he owes any back child support, he will be paying out the wazoo and you and your baby will get the short end of the stick.

This is his fault, because he will not stay out of this woman's life. He has a 6 year old by her a 3 year old and 3 years later he goes back there and makes another baby. This is his doing. He still had sex with her. He either got drunk and went to her, or got drunk with her, either way it was his choice. He had unprotected sex with her and then went back to you. That is trifling! If she is just a f***, he chose to f***her, several times, there are about to be 3 kids. Running over there to have unprotected sex with her, knowing he already has problems with her and is going to cause more problems is just stupid. How do you know he was not dippin there before the "drunk" episode and how many times after? You need to open your eyes a little wider.

Granted the woman sounds crazy, but he created this mess. He has now made two other babies while dealing with this mess. This is on him. He needs to go to court and file for joint custody of those kids if they are so important to him.
Instead of worrying about her, you need to put him in check. Leave him alone until he straightens this mess out. You are going to have your hands full once this baby comes, you don't need his drama. This woman manipulates things because he allows it, and until he puts his foot down with her, acts like he means business and files for joint custody of his kids, this will continue.
I wish you the best.

Haven't we learned anything from watching Jerry Springer?? Two women will always fight each other, rather than kick the lying, cheating, moron to the curb. What's up with that??

What exactly do you get from this relationship? My guess is the excitement of the drama and the challenge of winning him back from his ex every now and then. Not exactly a healthy way to run your life.

I think your getting a preview of the way it will be. What self respecting man allows this type of drama in his life, and let it impact his new family(?) in such a negative way?

Personally I love him, I hate the drama, and this isn't like Jerry Springer because I am not white trash. She chooses to cause the drama that I like to avoid. He did get kicked to the curb but sometimes you can't help the way you feel. He does pay child support for both the kids, he pays for their private school too. He talked to a lawyer about getting joint custody but they said it would be hard since he has a record from like 5 years ago. In Texas the father has no rights, he received visitation and a type of custody through DHS because he pays his child support. He is supposed to get the kids one day out of the week and two weekends out of the month, and one month out of the summer. The order says that if she doesn't give the kids to him then a citation will be issued. Well there have been plenty of times that we haven't seen the kids and when we called the cops they told us that they couldn't do anything about it. He didn't cheat if we weren't together, and no he wasn't double dipping, through the past year she was in a serious relationship, needless to say if he was she nor he will admit to it (you would think that she at least would).
What do I get from this relationship is just being happy with him, through all the drama and the craziness we are happy. Believe me it's no reward to win someone back if constant drama is in the way. Nice analysis of the situation though. I didn't try to get pregnant, it was just one slip up in January, I don't believe in having kids out of wedlock but since I refuse to get married right now that is what I am forced to do. Fortunately for me if I do choose to leave him and won't be reliant on him for anything. I run my life to the best of my ability, I focus on what's important to me, health, my relationship with god, my family, work and school, I can't help it when its all interrupted by some woman who just can't get over the facts. I was in the Army so I have learned patients, but I am losing them slowly and surely. A woman is only as blind as she chooses to be, I have had my eyes open for quite a while now. I asked for advice not judgement. I quit watching Jerry Springer when I grew up, got a life, and didn't feel like watching trailer trash anymore. Im not fighting for him if I already have him, I am just needing advice on dealing with a baby mama in the most peaceful way possible. I don't disrespect her in front of her kids, I don't talk when she calls, I don't say F****ed up things to the kids, hell I try not to talk about her at all. I have tried to be the grown up about the situation and I just turned 23, this woman is 26 and has kids, she should be acting more mature then me. I understand that what he has done has caused more friction then I could have ever imagined, and I feel for the babies that are in the mix. I don't come from a life of drama and honestly every day I think about "How can I bring a poor innocent child into this". My sister and her ex husbands baby's mother (who's kids are older) are like best friends, they set up play dates for the kids, my sister went to her baby shower, they go out together like every other month, and I have plenty of friends that have similar relationships. It's not hard, I am not an angry person, I used to be but I've grown up. I have never dreamt of having a relationship like this but this is what was thrown at me. I just feel for the kids, his kids love me, and they will always be torn, its just a sad situation. I know what I want in my life, a nice home, nice car, great family, amazing career, and especially for my child to be involved with his or her brother and sisters. Family is very important to me and this whole situation sucks. My fiance's sisters get put in a tug of war when they want to talk or hang out with me. The baby's mother makes them feel like they have to choose sides. Which is ridiculous, I am not from Texas, all my family lives in Oklahoma, Florida, Michigan, and Ohio. I don't have anyone close to me and when his sisters want to reach out me they feel the struggle. I don't know this is all a mess. I really appreciate all of you who are actually reading this, who disagree, and agree, who give constructive and informative criticism, I really do appreciate it. I really don't have anyone to vent to so this is kind of my form of getting things off my chest. Thanks!

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I asked for advice not judgement. I quit watching Jerry Springer when I grew up, got a life, and didn't feel like watching trailer trash anymore.

Forgive my harsh comments, they were to illicit information not give insults. Heartfelt sorry.

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Well there have been plenty of times that we haven't seen the kids and when we called the cops they told us that they couldn't do anything about it.

Wrong law enforcement entity, report her to the courts, where the order was made, but this is a common mistake, as the cops won't enforce any court decrees involving custody, with out a judges direct order, or the prosecutors recommendation. I too, live in Texas. Cops are not shy here, doing there job, when their boss gives them orders.

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I really don't have anyone to vent to so this is kind of my form of getting things off my chest. Thanks!

Your in the right place, so vent away as your situation can't be easy especially when your pregnant. Your man MUST take a more proactive role in this situation, no doubt about that. All you can do is keep your cool for now. Good Luck with your pregnancy, and make that guy rub your feet.

I am not judging and I apologize if it appears that way. I really feel for your situation. The woman is crazy and the man has allowed himself to be in a messed up situation. I have no doubt that you love this man, but your responsibility now is to this baby you are carrying. You nor this baby need this drama. I will be hard, but I still think you need to remove yourself and just get through this pregnancy.
If you need to vent, feel free to do so. It makes me ill when women use kids as pawns to keep a man hanging on to them and it sounds like this is what this female is doing and all the kids involved will unfortunately suffer. Men really need to always be using condoms and women need to insist they do, and if they don't, the man needs to see that as a red flag.
At any rate, I sincerely do wish you and your baby the best.

What a mess. I feel for the mother of soon to be three children with this no-account juvenile man. Why do women get involved with men like this and then get all involved with the family drama, and you are part of the drama too. It won't change with you, he is what he is, there is another girl waiting in the wings believing whatever he is saying now.

You feel for the mother of the kids? Well maybe if you knew her you wouldn't. She put her self in that position, telling his whole family that she is having that poor baby just to get back at him and to break us up. You should feel sorry for the kids and the unborn one that that crazy women is about to have. Its bad enough she is trying to ruin the two she has and now she is having one more under bad cirumstances. What a joke, I know the saying "Old dogs can't learn new tricks". Trust me if there is a girl in the "wing" then let her step up and fill my position. I don't need to be with someone who can't be there for me and is a man whore. He knows this and we have gone round and round about that subject. Hello of course I am apart of the dram, if it weren't for me being surrounded by drama I wouldn't be in this forum. Are you a baby mama?

I'm assuming you are speaking to cerisa. I feel for all of you. This man is irresponsible. He made these babies. He could have used protection and he didn't, knowing this other woman is strung out on him and he should have used it with you after her was with her.
You will be surrounded by this mess as long as you deal with him. And now you have a baby on the way that will also be apart of this as long as you are around him.
I am not a baby momma

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Originally Posted by sbanuelos13

You feel for the mother of the kids? Well maybe if you knew her you wouldn't. She put her self in that position, telling his whole family that she is having that poor baby just to get back at him and to break us up. You should feel sorry for the kids and the unborn one that that crazy women is about to have. Its bad enough she is trying to ruin the two she has and now she is having one more under bad cirumstances. What a joke, I know the saying "Old dogs can't learn new tricks". Trust me if there is a girl in the "wing" then let her step up and fill my position. I don't need to be with someone who can't be there for me and is a man whore. He knows this and we have gone round and round about that subject. Hello of course I am apart of the dram, if it weren't for me being surrounded by drama I wouldn't be in this forum. Are you a baby mama?

So a month later I'll ask you the same question. What exactly do you get from this relationship?