I met a guy about 15 years ago. We quickly became friends and within a year he told me he loved me and wanted to leave his girlfriend of 6yrs to be with me. I felt the same but was afraid that he might have just been infatuated with me and do the same to me down the line. I followed my head and not my heartand told him so. 3 months later, she fell pregnant and they got married. Just after that I met his brother and we got married 2 years later. About a year ago, my (ex) and I realised that we still loved each other. This is not just a kind of feeling that goes away. It lasted for 15 years. Problem is we are stuck in a catch 22. He can't leave his wife and I can't leave my husband because our children and the family will be hurt by this. Does someone have any adivice on how to deal with this? We are both hurting inside because there's no way we can be together.

Wow... I can't believe you got with his brother in the first place. If I was that much in love with someone I wouldn't go after their brother. (Just something to think about.) What's going on... has your marriage fallen into routine? Are you bored and started lusting after a memory?

I would go with your head and analyze the crap out of this before you do something spontaneous and hurtful. And remember... never leave a relationship for another one. That's definitely the wrong reason.

In making my decision years ago I think I judged him too harshly. I was afraid of being hurt so I turned away. I'm still trying to figure out if maybe I married his brother on the rebound and thought I was in love with him. We have been happily married, but I always felt that something was missing. It is important for you to look at the situation with an open mind. Sometimes we follow reason instead of our hearts. We tend to imagine the consequences of our decisions, but forget that nothing in life is guaranteed. Now I wish I gave him the benefit of the doubt all those years ago.

For the good of everyone involved, not acting on those old feelings is a must. More ever, stay focused on your own husband, and reject any more talk from him, on how miserable he may be, (or you may be) in your present situation. You have both made a decision, now live with it and give 100%, and leave the fantasy stuff alone. You may have feelings for one another, and that's fine, but what matters is what you do about it. Just me, if you both focused on your commitments, as you focus on yourself, things will go much better. Even if you have to lie to him (the brother you covet) about your feelings, to keep the emotional separation, that's better than to keep stoking the fire of shared desire. Does that make some sense? I hope so because this has the potential of destroying a whole family from the inside, if this gets out of hand.

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We have been happily married, but I always felt that something was missing.

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Whatever it is you think is missing, find it, but make sure that its not your 100% total commitment to your husband, that's the thing that's missing.

Here is something to think about... what if you do get with the ex and the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy? And/or perhaps he feels the same way and dumps you? What would you do if it didn't work out?

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Originally Posted by My baby

I met a guy about 15 years ago. We quickly became friends and within a year he told me he loved me and wanted to leave his girlfriend of 6yrs to be with me. I felt the same but was afraid that he might have just been infatuated with me and do the same to me down the line. I followed my head and not my heartand told him so. 3 months later, she fell pregnant and they got married. Just after that I met his brother and we got married 2 years later. About a year ago, my (ex) and I realised that we still loved each other. This is not just a kind of feeling that goes away. It lasted for 15 years. Problem is we are stuck in a catch 22. He can't leave his wife and I can't leave my husband because our children and the family will be hurt by this. Does someone have any adivice on how to deal with this? We are both hurting inside because there's no way we can be together.

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I think that instead of focusing on the hurt that you feel with not being with the one you think you love, think of the double hurt you would feel if you devastated the entire family, including children.

It is truly worth all that hurt. You will loose so much by giving in to this "selfish" love.

Think with your heart and head this time. And put all that energy into the man that did take your hand and wasn't willing to betray his girlfriend 15 years ago.

I am sure your heart is heavy, but I would much rather advise you on this situation, then you coming to us saying how deeply distraught you are and how you could never forgive yourself for the pain your actions caused so many.

I am not downplaying your current hurt, but choosing otherwise, will be a hurt you can't even try and imagine now.

I do wish you all the best.

I do value your opinion. I just wonder that if a person should live with your decision and try to give 100% to your partner whom you chose. Are you being true to yourself? Is this not living a lie? Obviously I know if we should act on our feelings the outcome will be disastrous. All I'm trying to say is this, I have learnt from this experience that you should not be afraid to follow your heart. Most of us are too afraid to take a chance on love for fear of being disappointed. It's too late for me and I definitely will honour my vows, but that does not mean I will be a happier person inside. I have also learnt not to judge someone too harshly before really getting to know them because people can change for the better. I made that mistake and now I'll have to live with my decision, but after doing some retrospection, I am 100% convinced of my feelings. It's definitely not a fantasy. It just can never be a reality!

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Originally Posted by My baby

I do value your opinion. I just wonder that if a person should live with your decision and try to give 100% to your partner whom you chose. Are you being true to yourself? Is this not living a lie? Obviously I know if we should act on our feelings the outcome will be disastrous. All I'm trying to say is this, I have learnt from this experience that you should not be afraid to follow your heart. Most of us are too afraid to take a chance on love for fear of being disappointed. It's too late for me and I definitely will honour my vows, but that does not mean I will be a happier person inside. I have also learnt not to judge someone too harshly before really getting to know them because people can change for the better. I made that mistake and now I'll have to live with my decision, but after doing some retrospection, I am 100% convinced of my feelings. It's definitely not a fantasy. It just can never be a reality!

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First, I want you to be sure to know, honestly, I do not judge you in any way at all.

I wish that you could be happy. Here's what I think, you should try one more time to really look at your current marriage with nothing from outside on the marriage in your heart and head.

If this marriage is truly over, and after trying you still feel, you are being unfair to your husband, because you think you can not love him in the way in which he deserves, then maybe a separation, to really see if this is what should be.

During the separation time, focus on yourself and not any what ifs with the brother. Nothing healthy will come out of that.

You have the opporutunity today, to have no regrets for tomorrow, as far as your marriage is concerened, if you truly try, even one more, to honor those vows, heart, mind, body and soul.

No one is winning in this current situation and healthy choices, normally produce positive results.

I do wish you the best and am truly sorry for the turmoil you find yourself in.

I will share a personal story with you, as it relates to regrets.

When I was 4 My mom left my Dad with 5 kids for another man. My Dad was distraught, but I don't' think my Mom had a happy day since.

Her and the other man argued, never married, and did not end up together, but yet they claimed to love each other so much.

They rocked two families and both were left with heavy heavy hearts.

Neither of my parents remarried and my Mom was at my Father's bedside when he died. And if I could capture the pain, deep pain, the regret, and illustrate it for you I would. Her pain was deep, her face was beet red, so much so, I couldn't even mourn for my Dad at that time, as I was ready to get a nurse for her.

So, please no judgement, I just want you to realize that following what you think is in your heart, may mean even worse heartache down the line.

I thank you for your honesty. I do understand after reading your personal story where you're coming from. I do feel that my husband, being the kind gentle soul that he is deserves someone who can love him with all her heart. I have tried over and over again but maybe I should take some time for myself to gain perspective. Sometimes I just feel that there's really no point in staying with someone because you feel obligated or for the sake of the children. I love my kids. I just feel like such a hypocrite in making everyone believe that I am the devoted wife. Physically I am devoted, but emotionally I am not. Please don't misunderstand me. I do love my husband, but there are different ways of loving someone. I strongly believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness and that we also have a duty to ourselves to live a life of honesty and integrity. What am I teaching my children? How can I teach them this philosophy while I feel like an imposter? It's really a difficult situation and any decisions to be made cannot be done lightly. Most times I think I'd be better off alone than to live with this pretence.

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Originally Posted by My baby

I thank you for your honesty. I do understand after reading your personal story where you're coming from. I do feel that my husband, being the kind gentle soul that he is deserves someone who can love him with all her heart. I have tried over and over again but maybe I should take some time for myself to gain perspective. Sometimes I just feel that there's really no point in staying with someone because you feel obligated or for the sake of the children. I love my kids. I just feel like such a hypocrite in making everyone believe that I am the devoted wife. Physically I am devoted, but emotionally I am not. Please don't misunderstand me. I do love my husband, but there are different ways of loving someone. I strongly believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness and that we also have a duty to ourselves to live a life of honesty and integrity. What am I teaching my children? How can I teach them this philosophy while I feel like an imposter? It's really a difficult situation and any decisions to be made cannot be done lightly. Most times I think I'd be better off alone than to live with this pretence.

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All of your points are right on and valid. A good talk with your husband alone, may be a good starting point.

Having sometime to yourself to gain perspective is a great idea. As long as you don't allow thoughts of being with someone else instead.

Please I understand what you are saying and your heavy heart, but I truly don't want your heart to suffer anymore then it is, or anyone else's.

Maybe a weekend away, just you, get a hotel room, JUST YOU :), and see how you feel then.

This is after you talk to your husband.

I can tell you are torn. But simplify it and just concentrate on you and your family for now.
Clear the cob webs and see what truly remains.

I am really grateful for your advice. Getting away for a weekend BY MYSELF is the best option I think. It's true what you say about clearing the cobwebs. I'll only be able to see where I stand once those are out of the way. As for talking to my husband. I suppose I could tell him I need some space but it would be a bad idea to tell him the truth. I defintely don't want to cause hatred between brothers. They say blood is thicker than water, but in this case I don't want to find out if it's true. I will take your advice though and concentrate more on my family for now. I'm sure eventually all will become clear. I just have to remain positive.

Hi my baby,

You are more then welcome. That's why we all are here, to help each other out during difficult times. None of us are perfect, and you are trying to do what's right without making any bad choices. You are trying to sort this out, so give yourself credit for that.

Yes, no need at all to tell hubby about the brother. No, please don't. Believe it or not you may think you feel one way but after getting that well needed quiet time, you may see things a little differently. Bring a book with you to write in and write all of your feelings down. (then destroy the paper).

You can just say to hubby, that you feel you need time to rejuvenate. That you feel so tired inside and unsure if you are doing right by him and just need some time away for a couple of days, to get some rest and reprioritize.

The "space" word may not work too well, because he may hear " I need time away from you".

You will be okay, and I truly hope you get those well needed days.

My best to you.